Long post but I needed to say this to people who would understand

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

I kind of just need to vent and air out my laundry. So feel free to read on and offer advice as you see fit. I know it is long so you don’t have to read it either. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t but I wanted to share this with people who might understand. I do have some before and after pictures at the bottoms also if you just want to look at those!

I am having a hard time lately. I had my sleeve surgery on 5/29/16. I started this process at the end of October 2015 weighing in at 540 pounds. I used to have to wear portable oxygen 24/7 because I was so overweight my fat was pressing against my lungs and restricting my breathing. I have managed to get down to 248 pounds since my surgery 14 months ago. Now I can walk 6 miles up and down hills without even getting out of breath.

I just had the first of many plastic surgeries on June 5^th. It was just an interim surgery since I am not at goal yet, but losing over 290 pounds will affect your skin drastically and I needed my stomach hang removed for quality of life reasons.

I want many more plastic surgeries. My thighs are my biggest concern. My plastic surgeon told me he wants me to get to goal and wait at least 9 months at a stable weight before we do any more though.

My doctor’s just want me to get to a size 12 or 10 as my goal. I started at a size 38/40 and now I am a size 14/16. That is insane to me honestly. I don’t think I have been a size 14/16 since I was 10 years old.

Now, to be clear, I am a huge self-sabotager. I have been challenged by this since I was a kid. I have been in therapy since I was 6 with various issues and still see a great therapist every week.

For over the past month I have not been cooking. Mostly because I had no energy and I was in pain still from my surgery. I don’t heal that great after surgery and it lasts with me a long time. Instead of meal planning and cooking I have been eating take out, sweets, and junk and I know it’s not helpful. Thankfully I have only gained about .8 of a pound with my self-sabotaging ways.

Honestly guys, I think it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of what it will be like without my fat around me. I have been overweight since I was 3 years old. It’s all I’ve known. I used to have day dreams when I was in school of just getting on the bus and unzipping myself from this fat suit I was stuck in and everyone being amazing at this beautiful girl I actually was.

Here I am at 30, basically doing that and it terrifies me.

I’m not saying I’m unhappy with the weightloss, not at all. I am ECSTATIC! I can actually live my life and join in on the world instead of being trapped in my body and only living as a shell of a human being.

I can go to amusement parks and fit on the rides. Which is what I did this weekend as a kind of declaration of freedom and just a time to enjoy myself with friends.

I can be active, I don’t need to worry about if I will fit in a small space (but still my mind tells me I won’t and I’m scared every time that I won’t fit. I was terrified to get on every roller coaster at the park. Not because of the ride, but I was afraid I wouldn’t fit and the embarrassment would kill me).

This has been a draining experience, both physically and mentally. But for me, the mental part has been the hardest.

I was able to recognize that I was self-sabotaging out of fear though. I was able to get up, shake myself off, and start again. Because that is what you have to do. I have meal planned, weighed and measured my food, tracked everything, and started more activity.

I will not let my manipulative brain win this time.

I have come too far to stop now. I will not give up and I will NEVER go back to the girl who couldn’t live the life she wanted.

Edited August 3, 2017 by Dashofpixiedust8

[Banded2003NYC 55]

You got this! Do not let those demons sabotage you. You're human so no worries on the junk food. We're entitled to slip once in a while. Continue shining and continue radiating beauty. Good luck!


HW320 Pds
SW 311.5 pds
CW 300 pds
GW 182.5 pds
Sleeved on July 26, 2017

[Sassy Sleeve 34]

Sounds like you made a good "catch" and are holding yourself accountable. I find that hopeful. I also find your before and after pictures inspirational. Best wishes getting back on track!

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[rainyann 118]

Oh my.... what a transformation so far... just think how you will look when you have completed your weight loss.... you go girl!

[GrrlAnn 177]

I think it's interesting that your surgeon wants you to get to a size 10-12. I just had a conversation with my surgery team at my 6 month follow up where they told me that getting to my goal (shopping in regular stores size 12/14) may be unrealistic... Keep in mind I started at a size 20W, kill myself at the gym 5 days a week and stick to the eating plan religiously. I share this just to show you how far you've come and how different doctors have VERY different expectations of their patients.

I say you are doing an amazing, stupendous, completely wonderful job!!! If I were you I'd keep going until my body felt like it's where it wants to be. Then I'd convince my surgeon to finish the plastics.

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[hmills653 365]

Congratulations on how far you've come and for realizing what you need to do now. You look amazing and I'm sure you feel amazing. Keep it up, you can see this through and live a long healthy life.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

I think you have made all the right decisions, especially staying in therapy. Young lady you are amazing and in for some thrilling adventures, no more fear - just let loose and do it!

You might be afraid of attention and of your reactions to that, don't let that derail you. You might make a few mistakes, give yourself permission to make those and learn from them. It's hard to come to terms with the size you are now and the size at goal because you don't quite believe in yourself yet. Be kind and patient.

[Joann454 1,329]

This reminded me of you.

[herewegoJ 18]

You doing so great.
I believe you figured it out. When you are obese, people don't see you. You are invisible , and when you are not, you try to make yourself invisible. I was at goal before, and it was hard because i didn't know how to handle people paying compliments and or guys paying attention to me. Its so much harder to hide. I wasn't obese all my life, so i can't imagine how difficult this is for you to adjust too. I think you really could use a local support group if possible.
But don't let that fear and attention stop you, you got this. Keep going!

[shan0520 241]

You are amazing. Your honesty is refreshing b/c we all have a fear of our new life in our new bodies. But you owned that feeling, the self sabotage, and getting back up. You rock and I wish you continued success.

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[Boomqueen 24]

I have fear like that too. Both times I was assaulted, I was smaller. My plan is to take self defense classes. Maybe you could take up something that makes you feel strong?

[FitBeth 4]

You are a success in soooo many ways! Truly an inspiration!

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@Banded2003NYC Thank you! I'm trying to just move on!

@Sassy Sleeve Thank you! I am also glad I caught myself before it got worse!

@rainyannThank you!

@GrrlAnnWell my Bariatric surgeon at the beginning asked me what my goal was and I said 200 and they said it was doable and that was the goal they said I could have. MY plastic surgeon wants me to lose at least 30-35 more pounds before I start maintaining. He said if I don't lose that he would be disapointed because I've already come so far. I really just want to get to a size 10. I was able to buy a size 12 shirt yesterday which was super exciting. My pant size is still 14 or 16. Good luck to you though! Don't let your doctor limit you!

@hmills653Thank you so much!

@Sosewsue61Thank you! I'm honestly not sure what exactly I'm afraid of. I guess I'm afraid I don't know what I will be like and what my life will be like without the restriction of weight. I have used it a bit like a crutch and I no longer have it.

@Joann454 exactly like that

@herewegoJThank you so much! I will look into more support groups. I go to one a month but maybe more would help.

@shan0520 Aww thank you!

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@BoomqueenI'm so sorry to hear about that. I will have to look into something that might boost my self esteem.

@FitBeth Thank you! I'm glad I could inspire you!

[Nursesmiley 9]

Wow, you've come so far. I could wrote a book. But tale a serious minute to pat yourself on the back now on how well you've done so far!

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