Eating out with family who doesn't know Help!

[DedicatedLady 139]

Its early so I may not be as eloquently written as usual, please excuse the following, and how long it is. This is from last nights, first nights eating out with a group:

I've been pre-op dieting for a week exactly now. Its been relatively easy as it's Atkins and I happen to love meat and vegetables (Its just easier to open chips and beer so now I'm here..)

Originally we were going to go to the Keg, perfect, I knew ahead of time and went online and planned my meal out. Wild card, we show up at The Keg and its practically overflowing so we have to now go to a different restaurant nearby. Crap, okay time to use what I've learned and know and find something I can have, "I got this" I think to myself confidently. Our waitress comes around and I order the house salad with a grilled chicken breast AND grilled shrimp skewers as well, no sauces. Success.

Okay so here's my conundrum, I'm with 6 people who don't know about my surgery, they are my fiances family and (potentially?) judgmental. Immediately after I order, The first words out of his mother mouth to him are "Oh so I start my diet next week, blah blah (Its this weird diet where literally you eat like an exact food plan repeatedly week after week, one day actually contains 2 hot dog weiners for lunch)..okay back on topic. I flag her, and put her in the mental "Dont Tell" file. I eat, happily satisfied with my food. Later were discussing some topic unrelated to food entirely, I happen to be the one who has just finished saying something and I hear from the other end of the table "well then you wouldn't have to go on a diet", not a passing comment, but actually snarky! I use every ounce of my remaining energy not to sass his ass speechless. Luckily hes just their friend and not actually a future relative. His wife however, I notice orders a huge meal, eats 7 small bites, then scrapes the sauce off her chicken, and boxes that up along with only the remaining steamed vegetables. Leaving over half the meal to be thrown away. Her husband however goes immediately on my "NEVER tell" list.

Question (FINALLY) What are others experiences with eating out when people don't know. Is it better to order what you actually want and can have,and finish it, or order a full sized meal, play with it hoping nobody notices you only ate 1-2 items, then take home the remaining food. If you've done both of those, when have you noticed people ask/comment less on what you've ordered?

Please, I actually would really appreciate some input on this whole eating out thing..Oder small and eat it all? Fake it with a full meal and toss it when you get around the corner?

[Navigating the Wilderness 824]

I know @OutsideMatchInside will come through this thread and light me up, but I honestly don't see why it has to be a closely held secret that you had WLS. I'd order whatever the hell I wanted in whatever portion I wanted (depending on if I wanted to eat leftovers for a few days) and run with it. If anyone asked me, I'd tell them the truth. If they made any nasty comments I'd tell them to f**k themselves. Yes I have told my mother-in-law to go f**k herself, a couple of times (including once when she commented that I was "chickening out" when I decided to postpone my surgery so I could do a sleeve instead of RNY). I have found though that 99% of the people who I tell are completely behind me and willing to help me along including motivation. Now, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I had WLS, but if they ask, I can't see lying about it, because I just don't care if they have anything nasty to say. Just my $.02.

Oh crap, here comes @OutsideMatchInside, running away now...

[Joann454 1,329]

I know [mention=255228]OutsideMatchInside[/mention] will come through this thread and light me up, but I honestly don't see why it has to be a closely held secret that you had WLS. I'd order whatever the hell I wanted in whatever portion I wanted (depending on if I wanted to eat leftovers for a few days) and run with it. If anyone asked me, I'd tell them the truth. If they made any nasty comments I'd tell them to f**k themselves. Yes I have told my mother-in-law to go f**k herself, a couple of times (including once when she commented that I was "chickening out" when I decided to postpone my surgery so I could do a sleeve instead of RNY). I have found though that 99% of the people who I tell are completely behind me and willing to help me along including motivation. Now, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I had WLS, but if they ask, I can't see lying about it, because I just don't care if they have anything nasty to say. Just my $.02.
Oh crap, here comes [mention=255228]OutsideMatchInside[/mention], running away now...

Hysterical!

I don't do well with "judgey" people and probably wouldn't tell either. I do like the idea of telling them to eff off though. Hmmm

[K_aane 356]

I know [mention=255228]OutsideMatchInside[/mention] will come through this thread and light me up, but I honestly don't see why it has to be a closely held secret that you had WLS. I'd order whatever the hell I wanted in whatever portion I wanted (depending on if I wanted to eat leftovers for a few days) and run with it. If anyone asked me, I'd tell them the truth. If they made any nasty comments I'd tell them to f**k themselves. Yes I have told my mother-in-law to go f**k herself, a couple of times (including once when she commented that I was "chickening out" when I decided to postpone my surgery so I could do a sleeve instead of RNY). I have found though that 99% of the people who I tell are completely behind me and willing to help me along including motivation. Now, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I had WLS, but if they ask, I can't see lying about it, because I just don't care if they have anything nasty to say. Just my $.02.
Oh crap, here comes [mention=255228]OutsideMatchInside[/mention], running away now...

I like you. ...really like you!!

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[Navigating the Wilderness 824]

22 minutes ago, Joann454 said:

I don't do well with "judgey" people and probably wouldn't tell either. I do like the idea of telling them to eff off though. Hmmm

10 minutes ago, K_aane said:

I like you. ...really like you!!

Haha, thanks, its just how I am. I am ever happy to meet new people and potential friends, and give precisely zero fucks about what they think of trivial things like how fat or skinny I am. I have a fantastic woman, and really she is all I care about.

Edited June 14, 2017 by Navigating the Wilderness

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

3 hours ago, Navigating the Wilderness said:

I know @OutsideMatchInside will come through this thread and light me up, but I honestly don't see why it has to be a closely held secret that you had WLS. I'd order whatever the hell I wanted in whatever portion I wanted (depending on if I wanted to eat leftovers for a few days) and run with it. If anyone asked me, I'd tell them the truth. If they made any nasty comments I'd tell them to f**k themselves. Yes I have told my mother-in-law to go f**k herself, a couple of times (including once when she commented that I was "chickening out" when I decided to postpone my surgery so I could do a sleeve instead of RNY). I have found though that 99% of the people who I tell are completely behind me and willing to help me along including motivation. Now, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I had WLS, but if they ask, I can't see lying about it, because I just don't care if they have anything nasty to say. Just my $.02.

Oh crap, here comes @OutsideMatchInside, running away now...

I agree with you 100%. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but if someone believes that being secretive will help remove the stigma of WLS, they are sorely mistaken. It's funny watching people complain in one sentence about others judging them, then in the same sentence keeping a secret. I guess some really do believe that doing the same thing can achieve different results.

One thing I don't do is I don't eat out with people I don't know. Secondly, if I did, and they questioned my eating decisions, depending on what they know regarding my surgery, and their willingness to listen to reason, I'd either educate them about my circumstance, or I'd tell them to pound sand. Either one is fine with me. Like Navigating the Wilderness, 99% of the people listen very attentively to me discussing this.

But I know with women people tend to act a lot more controlling, judgmental, etc. I had to put in-laws in their place with this very situation with how they treated my wife, including my mother-in-law.

Also, OP, regarding the Keg, I never eat there without reserving seats, especially if it's anywhere near a popular shopping center like Chinook. Took my wife there for mothers day and place was lined up around the building -- thankfully we had a reservation.

Edited June 14, 2017 by PatientEleventyBillion

[K_aane 356]

Haha, thanks, its just how I am. I am ever happy to meet new people and potential friends, and give precisely zero fucks about what they think of trivial things like how fat or skinny I am. I have a fantastic woman, and really she is all I care about.

I would say she is a lucky lady! Good for you! I fear I may let the fucks fly myself someday. Although in my head , they do, it's just the southern bell in me that will always be gracious. Perhaps though a change is a coming....lol

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[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

2 minutes ago, K_aane said:

I would say she is a lucky lady! Good for you! I fear I may let the fucks fly myself someday. Although in my head , they do, it's just the southern bell in me that will always be gracious. Perhaps though a change is a coming....lol

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using BariatricPal mobile app

OP is from Alberta.. they are abnormally polite here (especially by my standards, as a native of the Bay Area in California), much like southerners in the US, so it's rare to have to tell someone to get bent, but as with all things in society, never say never. Some people are quite deserving of the honor.

[K_aane 356]

Ya'll are cracking me up! ! Thanks for the giggles!

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[linah 92]

I'm pretty open about my surgery, don't feel a need to hide as most people don't understand hiding things that are private and just take it as you being embarrassed or trying to pretend that you lost all the weight "naturally". Cannot be bothered to try to figure out what they think so I'm usually honest and matter of fact about it. Most people are then accepting, and if they aren't, don't particularly care anyway. That being said, I'll order whatever I feel like and if its a regular sized dish then I'll have the leftovers for 2 meals

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[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

2 minutes ago, linah said:

I'm pretty open about my surgery, don't feel a need to hide as most people don't undrstand hiding things that are private and just take it as you being embarrassed or trying to pretend that you lost all the weight "naturally". Cannot be bothered to try to figure out what they think so I'm usually honest and matter of fact about it. Most people are then accepting, and if they aren't, don't particularly care anyway. That being said, I'll order whatever I feel like and if its a regular sized dish then I'll have the leftovers for 2 meals

Sent from my SM-G900FD using BariatricPal mobile app

LOL yeah, when we went to the Keg on mothers day I immediately told them as I was ordering I'll need some of it to go as I just had surgery and couldn't eat much.

If there was anyone nearby judging I wouldn't know. I never really walked around wondering what people thought of my decision-making. I could tell from doctors visits I screwed up, and my changes stem entirely from the perspective of health and my self-image. Not about to let other people impose whatsoever.

Edited June 14, 2017 by PatientEleventyBillion

[MSinger 348]

I respect anyone's decision on whether or not they want to go public with their WLS, but I am a private person. Right now, I wanna focus on me and do not have the patience to explain the ins and outs of my sleeve to a bunch of lookie-loos. 99.9% of the questions I would have to deal with would be a waste of time. Just people being nosey. I don't want people asking me questions about what I'm eating, how much I can eat, how I feel while I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. I don't want to have to field ignorant questions from people who have no interest in the surgery. I don't want people to stare at me while I eat. I don't want to feel pressured by people to drop major poundage and the drop of a hat. I don't want people to immediately think that there is something inherently wrong with weight loss surgery if I ever happen to be stalled. Weight loss makes the people around you turn weird as it is, and I want to minimize the weirdness as much as possible.

If anyone wants to be open about it then more power to you. I prefer to focus on my journey, and try to be helpful to the people I know are going through the same thing I am. Just because you have surgery, does not mean you are obligated to put yourself out there and be a stigma buster. I had to overcome my own ignorance regarding WLS as I researched whether this is right for me. If you asked me even 6 months ago whether I wanted to have WLS I would have said no. but I did my research and promised myself if anything ever felt wrong I would stop immediately and find another way. I can be open on an anonymous board, but I do not want to deal with it IRL. Just like any other surgery, no one is obligated to publish their personal health history to a bunch of nosey people.

[Joann454 1,329]

I respect anyone's decision on whether or not they want to go public with their WLS, but I am a private person. Right now, I wanna focus on me and do not have the patience to explain the ins and outs of my sleeve to a bunch of lookie-loos. 99.9% of the questions I would have to deal with would be a waste of time. Just people being nosey. I don't want people asking me questions about what I'm eating, how much I can eat, how I feel while I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. I don't want to have to field ignorant questions from people who have no interest in the surgery. I don't want people to stare at me while I eat. I don't want to feel pressured by people to drop major poundage and the drop of a hat. I don't want people to immediately think that there is something inherently wrong with weight loss surgery if I ever happen to be stalled. Weight loss makes the people around you turn weird as it is, and I want to minimize the weirdness as much as possible.
If anyone wants to be open about it then more power to you. I prefer to focus on my journey, and try to be helpful to the people I know are going through the same thing I am. Just because you have surgery, does not mean you are obligated to put yourself out there and be a stigma buster. I had to overcome my own ignorance regarding WLS as I researched whether this is right for me. If you asked me even 6 months ago whether I wanted to have WLS I would have said no. but I did my research and promised myself if anything ever felt wrong I would stop immediately and find another way. I can be open on an anonymous board, but I do not want to deal with it IRL. Just like any other surgery, no one is obligated to publish their personal health history to a bunch of nosey people.

Exactly. The two people I've told outside of my immediate circle have asked me twice how much weight ive lost. Last thing I want to deal with while in this stall. When I told one woman she looked me up and down like "really?"...I JUST had surgery ffs it's not all coming off tomorrow. Maybe when I'm further down the road but right now I'm just trying to figure it all out myself.
Special shout out to my neighbor who had RNY (I had the sleeve) ten years ago and tells me the surgeon has me on all the wrong Vitamins and I shouldn't be on purée yet and has gained more than half her weight back.
It's just not worth it.

[Rivka7NV 40]

Tell the trusted ones and educate them that this is not the easy way out. Let them know you are on a pre-op diet and offer to give them information on what you are going through via a couple of websites.

Those that make nasty comments should definitely be off your social calendar. Next time there is a group foray to a restaurant, make sure the list of people includes only your most supportive friends and family.

[Nhope 146]

You don't owe anyone an explanation!! Take care of yourself first. Ignore snarky comments as best you can (that's their monkeys and their circus). Be proud of how you handled your dinnertime challenge!