Feeling like I've failed already - frustrated

[Retta1983 0]

Well I started with lapband surgery back in 2009 and had it emptied for a few years while going through IVF and then the pregnancy. When it came time to start adding fill again I had a lot of trouble because of scar tissue that had built up under the band so it was replaced, then that one was replaced because of a slip. As a result I had gastric bypass surgery last year but barely lost weight in recovery and have gone up and down ever since. The surgeon wants me to have an overstitch procedure to reduce the size of the pouch but unexpectedly I am pregnant again so everything is on hold for the moment.

I'm very down and miserable about my weight as after getting down to 70kg with the band I have crept back up to 110kg and even at this point in my pregnancy (just shy of 20 weeks) I am having tailbone, hip and back pain, am constantly exhausted and pretty hormonal. Just frustrated and seem to be eating uncontrollably.

As I think about it I realise that although on the surface the issue is that I have the capacity to eat so much more than I should since the surgery, which my surgeon advised is because I was one of his early surgeries and at the time he used a particular type of suture which has resulted in the same problem for several patients - but since he changed this technique others have had success. This is technically the problem. The deeper issue though is that there is something in me driving me to eat and eat and eat all the time and I don't know what to do. With the band the restriction I had resolved this issue because I physically couldn't eat more than I should but perhaps this is a problem because I never learned how to change my emotions and thinking around food. But how do you do that after a lifetime?

I feel a failure because I am battling anxiety and depression all the time despite treatment and feel like I will be in this cycle forever.

[jen'snewday 48]

Hang in there! Enjoy your pregnancy right now and give yourself a break. After you deliver, you can regain your focus on losing weight. This is a daily battle that I , personally have been taking one day at a time. Sure, I have goals but I have less anxiety thinking one day at a time. I would suggest talking with someone about the root of your eating. There is so much baggage in all of us compelling us to eat more than we should. You aren't alone. Keep your chin up!

[B.Annie 290]

I did things a bit opposite of you but have a similar story. I lost 60 pounds on my own after being diagnosed it's severe PCOS and endometriosis. I was waiting on approval for a hysterectomy when a surprise pregnancy came. I was on 2 forms of birth control due to waiting for surgery and my son came through all of it. Well, I gained 100 pounds during that pregnancy and couldn't believe that I had worked so hard before only to have it all come rushing back on and then some. I was defeated, especially since even 2 years after giving birth I still couldn't couldn't lose even 5 pounds. I was referred to WLS by my PCP and here I am.

Anyway I was talking to my husband last night because although he's supportive of the surgery and my feelings on it he really wishes that I could try to lose more weight on my own in lieu of surgery since I'm currently being successful pre-op. I explained to him that I had worked so hard for so long to lose weight before my son only to have it come on so rapidly when I was pregnant. And how I was just very tired of the roller coaster that I've been going through since high school. I'm older and I'm mentally exhausted of the fight. And I need a tool to help. My husband looked at me and looked at our son and said "but wasn't he worth it?"

i hope you can answer that question easier than I could. My son is my life joy and I would never want to be without him. He's everything to me and honestly the best and easiest baby. But I still couldn't answer the question. I was mentally done with having kids before I got pregnant with him. I had 2 children already who were already preteens. I was having major life threatening health issues. I was excited to not be in pain anymore and I was almost done with the process of adopting another child who needed a family. All of that that stopped when I got pregnant. And I gained 100 pounds and end up leaving my beloved career to raise him. So while I do not regret him, I struggle with that question knowing what I went through- and what I couldn't go through- to have him. And still going through because of it.

I did a lot of therapy just to get beyond the conflicting thoughts and am in a much better place mentally now. There is hope for it all, and reasons for everything. You just have to get beyond your own ideas of how things should be and move forward on the path you're brought to. Depression is the result of looking at the past. Anxiety is from looking at the future. Peace is looking at the path your feet are currently on and seeing which step to take just to navigate today.

Good luck!

[Sherrie Scharbrough 311]

Wow both of your posts are so heart felt!! Surgery is NOT going to work all alone. Well, at first (right after WLS) you do lose quickly. What you are having to face now is the very worst nightmare of each and everyone of us!! THE DREADED REGAIN!! The weight isn't discriminate of who has the weight regain. Both of you have already proven that you know what it takes. Even if you need to take each day in a hour, minutes or even seconds. Just go back to what you know works. Stop beating yourself up. Make a plan to succeed. Pick yourself up and continue on. Don't think of your pregancy as being bad, Just think of your sweet little one who wants and needs their MAMA!! I know it is hard!! But YOU are the only one that can do this. Hugs