Hubby says " you aren't the one that has to be attracted to you" ..., WHAT?

[Dknal2 1,065]

46 minutes ago, ready_to_be_thin said:

Dang girl you look amazing!!! Honestly I have to say that I'm jealous of your pre-op pic much less your post-op pic!! You don't look by any means that you weighed 242 pounds in that pic. You sure carried your weight really well!! I'm sorry that you are having to deal with his comments. He is probably somewhat worried that you are going to leave him for someone else. Its probably just all of his own insecurities coming out. Hang in there, and keep up the great work. Do this for you!

Thank you so much. The pre op pic I had lost 23 lbs so I wasn't 242 on it , I was 219 on surgery day. I am working hard to be at goal and I won't let anyone I interrupt that.

[Dknal2 1,065]

29 minutes ago, lornasaurusleeve said:

Girl you are so strong! That example wasn't specific to you, but also as you pointed out, your core life beliefs due to prior traumas (at no fault of your own!) still left you vulnerable to predatory people. I kind of see it as little pre-drilled holes in your overall psyche and abusive people will plug right into any perceived weakness they can find.

I agree... there was a definite void that I was trying to fill at whatever cost. I was also very young and just grew to accept bull because of that void. So important to have parents that love and encourage our sons and daughters. So important... it hurts sometimes to think that I jumped out of the frying pan at my mothers house and into the skillet when I left home and got with my husband. But can't cry over spilled milk, just have to keep it moving.

[lornasaurusleeve 91]

I agree... there was a definite void that I was trying to fill at whatever cost. I was also very young and just grew to accept bull because of that void. So important to have parents that love and encourage our sons and daughters. So important... it hurts sometimes to think that I jumped out of the frying pan at my mothers house and into the skillet when I left home and got with my husband. But can't cry over spilled milk, just have to keep it moving.

Absolutely! You got this.

[Mindy78 372]

My husband, we were dating at the time opposed it, but for fears of surgery. He knew my goals when we met and was supportive. I had an ex in the past who was insecure and on a weight loss journey years ago tried to sabotage everything I did, ridiculed me, tried force feeding me by emotional abuse. It may be a phase he's going through or he may not be willing to except changes. Try to understand his feelings but don't let him pull you down. You look great btw

[Dknal2 1,065]

38 minutes ago, MindyMe said:

My husband, we were dating at the time opposed it, but for fears of surgery. He knew my goals when we met and was supportive. I had an ex in the past who was insecure and on a weight loss journey years ago tried to sabotage everything I did, ridiculed me, tried force feeding me by emotional abuse. It may be a phase he's going through or he may not be willing to except changes. Try to understand his feelings but don't let him pull you down. You look great btw

Thank you so much I have tried to be understanding and educate him on surgery and everything but it's to no avail. We have had marital issues before this and I think this is just taking the band aid off , so to say. I broke down this morning crying and asking him y does he act like he hates me and just treats me like crap and he says " you're crazy n need help , all that crying is doing nothing you are too grown for that" I just told him I just want us to be happy together and I don't understand how u can be so cold to someone you vowed to love. But he doesn't care at all. I'm just over this and I know it's time to move on. Sad but true.

[FunkyMunkyBrat 205]

Some of these men specifically were attracted to you for one of several different reasons.. Either that's just what they really are attracted to.. Or ice found lots of times it's because of their own insecurities and they don't feel like they have to worry about you cheating or worry about other guys hitting in you..

Munky

[10stackzz 184]

Heyyy...You are continuously dropping that weight...You go girl!...Just focus on you and pray... and everything will fit right into place...You know how the devil works when your being rained on with blessings....If it's not meant to be..It won't be! Everybody goes through seasons....Yall season might be up....Love is kind!..Don't sacrifice your true happiness & sanctity.
We give so much of ourselves. It's time for you to shine, don't let him dull you down!. #KeepYourHeadUp!

[Yardsleever 81]

We often give so much of ourselves to please the ones we love, that they often take it for granted. I know it is hard, but you have to do you!!! You took the first step with this surgery for your physical health, now make the right choice for your mental health.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using BariatricPal mobile app

[Dknal2 1,065]

On 4/8/2017 at 6:13 PM, 10stackzz said:

Heyyy...You are continuously dropping that weight...You go girl!...Just focus on you and pray... and everything will fit right into place...You know how the devil works when your being rained on with blessings....If it's not meant to be..It won't be! Everybody goes through seasons....Yall season might be up....Love is kind!..Don't sacrifice your true happiness & sanctity.
We give so much of ourselves. It's time for you to shine, don't let him dull you down!. #KeepYourHeadUp!

Hi 10stackzz.. miss you.. thank you for the compliment and advice. You are right about seasons. It's just hard sometimes to accept the inevitable but it's like in so many ways God has been revealing to me how this relationship is all wrong for me. I'm ready to shine and not so much physically but inside there is this vibrant , lively person who wants to enjoy a fulfilling, happy peaceful life. I'm getting closer to that version of me more and more everyday. Thanks so much girl and keep in touch.

[Dknal2 1,065]

23 hours ago, Yardsleever said:

We often give so much of ourselves to please the ones we love, that they often take it for granted. I know it is hard, but you have to do you!!! You took the first step with this surgery for your physical health, now make the right choice for your mental health.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using BariatricPal mobile app

Hi yardsleever... so good to hear from you. You are absolutely right and I have given so much of myself over the last 22 years that I almost didn't know who I was anymore. But I know there is more of me that is dying to come out n be happy n loved n just live. I'm etching towards her more and more each day.

[Dknal2 1,065]

On 4/7/2017 at 11:38 PM, FunkyMunkyBrat said:

Some of these men specifically were attracted to you for one of several different reasons.. Either that's just what they really are attracted to.. Or ice found lots of times it's because of their own insecurities and they don't feel like they have to worry about you cheating or worry about other guys hitting in you..

Munky

That's not my case .... I was 145 when I met my husband and I remained small for about 4-5 years and after the 3 kids came the weight. So I wasn't a low self esteem big girl that he preyed upon. I admit I was vulnerable for live because I came from a bad family situation but we were very young, I was 17 and he was 19.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Dknal2

[BigUtahMan 207]

My 2 cents...
in my life experience being married for 20+ years, having gone through counseling and observed many relationship dynamics as I help people with addictions with recovery. Your situation in many respects I think is a natural consequence when one person changes without the other person immediately changing with them.

I believe "birds of a feather flock together ". Which has good and bad implications, when we are married to people who suddenly don't seem to fit us anymore .
First, if he is "broken" today, I will assume he was broken the day you first met. So consciously or subconsciously you were attracted and or accepted his brokenness then until now. He also was attracted and accepted your brokenness as well which has worked at some level as you are still together. (Probably nothing to do with your physical appearance.)

I have no idea if there is co- dependency inside your relationship like mine had or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. But co-dependency is a two way street as I have learned first hand. So that space between liking our partners issues, and them liking ours is likely the issue.

While I Celebrate your life changing decisions to improve yourself, clearly your husband's issues are being rocked. It doesn't make logical sense for any loving spouse to want their partner to be less than ideal or healthy. But I also see it as a red flag in the bigger context of your relationship, and at some level you play a part in that issue. (Counselor can help you discover that.)

The immediate danger and temptation is if you perceive this only to be a broken husband issue, then you are likely not going to identify your own potential "brokenness" that has nothing to do with your weight, or even him. Than if unaddressed, even if you leave your husband, that unresolved issue will likely attract the same type of person in your next relationship.

I am not saying you should stay or leave, I am merely saying, there are many issues here and your weight and appearance is likely the smallest of them but making the most noise.

I hope you both find peace, and are able to use this difficult circumstance for your collective good and grow closer together.
I admire your strength for making change even though your path is different than what you originally expected. The old saying, proves it truth again... "the issues come out, as the weight comes off" even and especially with our relationships.

I still have many issues myself I am battling with my weight and life in general. So I don't mean to come off better than anyone else, or pretend I am fixed. I am not.
I don't know you, I am making a lot of assumptions with my comments, if they are off base, I am sorry and please disregard.
I am just trying to share the wisdom I paid a high price to learn, so others can benefit.

[CocoNina 210]

There are a lot of comments here & I didn't read them all. Sorry if it's already been said but it's YOUR body, not his. You can do whatever you want with it. He is your husband & should love you unconditionally & respect the fact that you're happier & healthier. I hope you both work it out. By the way, you look great. Keep up the good work!


Height: 5'0"
Weight for WLS consultation: 216 lbs.
Surgery date: 2/13/17
Goal: -71 lbs for healthy BMI (about 145 lbs).
Current weight: 174.2 lbs
My profile picture is not me. It's my "FITspiration" body.

[Dknal2 1,065]

10 hours ago, CocoNina said:

There are a lot of comments here & I didn't read them all. Sorry if it's already been said but it's YOUR body, not his. You can do whatever you want with it. He is your husband & should love you unconditionally & respect the fact that you're happier & healthier. I hope you both work it out. By the way, you look great. Keep up the good work!


Height: 5'0"
Weight for WLS consultation: 216 lbs.
Surgery date: 2/13/17
Goal: -71 lbs for healthy BMI (about 145 lbs).
Current weight: 174.2 lbs
My profile picture is not me. It's my "FITspiration" body.

Thank you so much ...I appreciate it.

[mtatanna 21]

Well BP FAM , I'm back again with a rant. My husband and I were talking last night and he made comments in how he wished I never had this surgery. He stated that my butt has gone almost away and he felt all unneeded to do was tone up and lose my belly initially. Well, first of all, I don't know how you tone up 242 lbs with BMI 0f 39( which was my initial weight and BMI). So.... he proceeded to run his mouth about all the things I can't do like drink gallons of sweet tea, eat cake and Cookies, go to restaurants and eat appetizer , entree and dessert.. You know all of the healthy stuff that led me to be 242 lbs in the first place. Well, I was really hurt by his comments. My rebuttal was how much healthier I am , I am a lose size 10 as opposed to a tight size 16, I am no longer out of breath with walking 20 feet and I am able to exercise. I like how my body has changed and I told him I love my size. Well, he said "you don't have to be attracted to you, I do and you only needed to lose a little belly but now your butt has gone down tremendously " well needless to say I was pushed to my breaking point. I was like if you don't like what you see, go and find you a thick chic with a donkey's ass. I'm not even at goal yet so I'm gonna lose more and just ticked that he would say that to me which made me feel a lil insecure about my looks. Then I snapped out of it. I have posted pics on my other forums but I will put my last one here as well. Not tooting my own horn but I worked hard for these results . I had surgery in Dec 2016. I am just like dang I can't win for losing .i really thought I was doing good . My pics show one week after surgery on left, middle is 1 1/2 months post op and last pic on right was about 2 weeks ago.

First off I have to say u look damn good . And your husband isn't really doing his job because this surgery no matter how long u did u need that support from ever that u hold dear to u .U don't need negativity around because it sometimes get to u he is suppose to be up lifting u not makin u feel bad u know but u did this for u to make u happy and more health .