Spouse says to stop losing weight

[customademe 15]

Hi everyone! I came home from work yesterday and when my husband arrived, he asked me, "Have you been going to the gym?" To which I replied, no. He then asked, "Are you still losing weight?" I replied, yes. He said, you've lost enough. My goal is now 125lbs. I am currently 155 or 153, fluctuating right now. I haven't been that size since junior high. It's where I want to be before I go into maintenance of 125-130lbs. If it were him, that would be one thing, but the problem is that it's also my mother, and co-workers and my daughter.

To tell you the truth, I still see myself as big, maybe not as big as I used to be, but still large. When I pull out a pair of pants, I think, they aren't going to fit, and then I find that they are sagging on me and I stand there in amazement, total disbelief. "How did I fit into those?!" Are these magic pants/jeans?

When I pass a mirror or window, I wonder, who is that person. The face is sagging, tired, but familiar. Then my eyes wander below my belly button and I see my reflections of my former self and no it's not completely the same but, there are those of you who know exactly what I mean when we say, "I don't see myself thin."

But back to the problem, or A problem. How do I handle the situation with my family regarding my intended additional 30 pound weight loss?

[bostonmama 135]

I've heard many times on this site that people don't recognize a "healthy" weight anymore, because so many people are overweight.

If your goal is a healthy BMI and your doctor supports it, I would just tell them that. They may just need some time to adjust to the new you.

ETA: you mentioned your face looking tired and sagging, this could be causing their concern too. Are you getting enough Water? I have the same look sometimes, but noticed my face looks much much better if I am well hydrated.

Edited March 31, 2017 by bostonmama

[katieroybal 183]

I'm still in the pre-op phase so I don't have first hand experience but I'm reminded of something my psychologist said. As we loose weight, we will change and our relationships with family and friends may become strained. They are going to need some time to adjust to the new person you are becoming and they may put up barriers to stop you because they are uncomfortable.

I do remember the one time I lost a large amount of weight. I went from 200 to 170 and I was fitting into size 14 jeans for the first time in a decade. It was awesome but I too felt like something was wrong. I still saw myself as fat. I couldn't believe the clothes fit. I actually became really uncomfortable with myself and it wasn't much longer before I started eating and putting the weight back on plus an additional 30 just for the extra comfort.

I'm a huge advocate of talking to a therapist. Maybe you can bring your husband into the conversation. Maybe they are having real concerns about your weight loss or maybe they are just feeling the change and are putting up boundaries. But it sounds like you might be struggling with your new body image as well. You don't have to worry alone.

[queendeborahbee 119]

If your BMI is not yet in the healthy range, then you still need to lose weight and that is what I would tell them. You did this surgery to get healthy and look better. Also, have you had your blood work done to make sure you are getting enough Protein and Vitamins that is why you may look tired.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

To reiterate what others are saying here, and there's some very logical advice.. your goal should be to be healthy. Don't focus so much on the weight number (meaning ignore your demand for a weight number and your husbands advice based on weight), because it's only partially useful. When you're eating healthy, exercising, and living the lifestyle of a healthier, smaller person, your weight will adjust accordingly, and what your body wants you to be at with this healthy lifestyle, there's no reason to fight that.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

27 minutes ago, queendeborahbee said:

If your BMI is not yet in the healthy range, then you still need to lose weight and that is what I would tell them. You did this surgery to get healthy and look better. Also, have you had your blood work done to make sure you are getting enough Protein and Vitamins that is why you may look tired.

Problem is, BMI alone is not an indicator of health.. using BMI by itself as an indicator of health would be counterproductive.

Things that are diagnosed on the side of BMI as indicators:

- Lifestyle issues (such as mobility, pain, quality of life)

- Comorbidities (liver disease, diabetes, anemia, heart disease, etc.)

Before I gained weight I had a BMI of 30 because I was quite muscular. No useful doctor would have told me to lower my BMI into this "range". Health Canada is actually in the stages of changing this correlation of BMI and health because of the over-reliance upon BMI as indicators of health when it's quite counterproductive to this intention.

Edited March 31, 2017 by PatientEleventyBillion

[VSG4Mag 106]

Hi- I checked your profile and you are 5'2" like me. 125 is my goal.

I copied this off line:

BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9 (Normal Weight)
People whose BMI is within 18.5 to 24.9 possess the ideal amount of body weight, associated with living longest, the lowest incidence of serious ilness, as well as being perceived as more physically attractive than people with BMI in higher or lower ranges. However, it may be a good idea to check your Waist Circumference and keep it within the recommended limits.

if you get to 125 your BMI will be 22.86. NORMAL

It's not normal for us. But it IS normal. And in the mid range of normal. That way if we fluctuate a little we can still stay in that normal range and get ourselves back in order before we are in the danger zone again.

I've NEVER weighed 125. I was over 100 pounds in 6th grade and in the 140's by 7th grade. So it will be weird for everyone around me, including me. But that's why we made this choice right? For a major change forever that will keep us healthy for life.

I say it's your choice and I wouldn't confer with my family. It will take time for your head to catch up with the mirror.

Maybe just say you aren't losing weight anymore if they are pushy and that your body is just settling.

Or that you are toning up.

Whatwver you are comfortable with. But I find that sometimes people (because I have lost a lot of weight in the past and was running like crazy) start to get weird and want the fat version of you that THEY are comfortable with.

Keep up the good work.

[blizair09 3,250]

I'm close to 210 now (at 6'0"). When I say that I want to lose about 30 more pounds, most people remark "why?", but I just tell them that at this point, it is mostly in my belly and thighs (which it is).

The other thing, for me, is that my partner (who has lost 115 pounds himself) is a little bothered by the fact that I will soon weigh the same or less than him. I have always been at least 50 pounds more than him, even years and years ago before we had both gotten so big. He is and has always been super supportive of my journey, but it is an adjustment for us.

The bottom line is that I started this journey to fix a health issue and it is going to keep going until I get where I need to be.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

My now ex husband told me that... and then cancelled the gym membership. Said i was "skinny enough"..... I've had family and friends say.... how much more do you want to lose? I tell them... my body will tell me when.

Keep focused and do you and forget the rest....

[maggieO 33]

Sometimes men forget that not everything is about them... him being happy with you is distinctly different then you being happy with you. I would just be honest about the way you feel... you should go for your goals! Congrats on doing so well and I hope you can get the hubby to get on board.

[James Marusek 5,244]

As I was losing weight, some people commented that they were concerned that I was losing too much weight. That wasn't really the problem. It was that since I lost my weight, my clothes no longer fit properly and I looked like I had lost too much weight. The sleeves of my shirts and jackets fell well below my fingertips. I replaced my clothes with some that fit properly, and the comments went away.

[Candygyrl 637]

My hubby has said the same thing.... don't lose anymore please! Then he stops himself and says you know what-- Do what you feel is best for your body. He tells me he thinks I look great-- and that he just doesn't want me to lose the stuff he likes... I had friends 30 lbs ago tell me to stop right there. Don't sweat it. We're here to maximize this tool to the best of our abilities. If you want to work out, get fit, toned keep your heart strong and such go for it!!! Your body will let you know when you're there.

[customademe 15]

I would like to say thank you to each and every one of you who commented on this topic, but I haven't learned the ropes yet on these electronic things (over 50 LOL). Everyone had fantastic input and covered everything I needed to give them the response and provide me the support I needed to get to the finish line.

I see my NUT and surgeon next Thursday and while it has been 4 months since I last saw them, I will be able to go in to this appointment a little more reassured that I am doing the right thing by continuing on my journey to the finish line.

I'll keep you posted on the outcome. Rally on!

[queendeborahbee 119]

31 minutes ago, bayougirlmrsc said:

My now ex husband told me that... and then cancelled the gym membership.

What an ass, happy he's your ex!

[courtneyd 59]

Do what is best for you, physically and mentally. He will follow; it's his job to support you.