Weight loss surgery

[pvechiola 195]

Today my mom said that me needing surgery for my weight is all in my head. I share a house with mom and dad and my brother and whenever they can they take jabs at my weight gain.

I've told them that it upsets me but they kinda do it anyway. I'm trying my best to watch what I'm eating and when I say I don't want to eat something they're cooking they talk about me like I'm not even there, saying sarcastically, oh she's not eating this she's on her diet, it really makes me think badly of myself for letting myself get this way with the weight gain and all. I've never had a real problem with my weight until I went to rehab for drug addiction. I really think I just substituted drugs for food. I'm fine with it because if I can overcome my drug addiction, I have 7 years sober, I have faith I can overcome food addiction. I just don't know how to handle all their snide comments about my weight. It's very hurtful especially coming from my own family.

Anyone have any ideas on how to handle this. I am 4'11" and my starting weight was 238, I am now about 208-210, I am fluctuating all the time but they are really depressing me, at least I'm trying to better myself, when I came back home after my divorce at 238 lbs I also had to have a breast reduction surgery that helped me be able to exercise, I was a 42J now I'm a 42D, a huge improvement that enabled me to at least get up and go to the gym. I've been extremely active since last winter after my breast surgery, working outside on the yard, garden, mowing the lawn, now I can do all these things but no significant weight loss. Main problem though I am wondering how to handle the sarcastic remarks and not feel so alone and just want to cry. Any ideas??

[Lise2021 15]

I would move out if possible or make a positive list. For example: they call you fat, you flip it and say I have fat; because you accepting the definition is saying I am, instead of I have extra fat, if that makes sense. Also, me including the majority of bariatric people have exhausted most weight loss resources, so weight loss surgery becomes the "last ditch try". So I know you say your family but it's probably other people too who have a opinion about your weight, but yours matters the most! So if want it in addition to needing it, then take it. Good luck! ????

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[pvechiola 195]

I would move out if possible or make a positive list. For example: they call you fat, you flip it and say I have fat; because you accepting the definition is saying I am, instead of I have extra fat, if that makes sense. Also, me including the majority of bariatric people have exhausted most weight loss resources, so weight loss surgery becomes the "last ditch try". So I know you say your family but it's probably other people too who have a opinion about your weight, but yours matters the most! So if want it in addition to needing it, then take it. Good luck! ????

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Thank you

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

Make it a priority goal to move out to a more civilized, kinder environment. Look for an apartment on your own or for a roommate situation. Your parents and brother aren't the nicest people. You don't have to ditch them completely, but if you're not with them so much of the time, the time that you do spend together may be improved.

Edited January 8, 2017 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[Travelher 915]

Make it a priority goal to move out to a more civilized, kinder environment. Look for an apartment on your own or for a roommate situation. Your parents and brother aren't the nicest people. You don't have to ditch them completely, but if you're not with them so much of the time, the time that you do spend together may be improved.

Could not agree more. My mother complained that I only stayed for 3 days at Christmas, but we have never gotten along so well.

[BigJohn58 135]

As a wiseman told me once you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Do this for yourself don't worry about what anybody says. God Bless

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[pvechiola 195]

As a wiseman told me once you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Do this for yourself don't worry about what anybody says. God Bless

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Yes you're right, I can't leave my family my dad has alhzeimers and dementia and can't stay home alone. I am just going to put only thicker skin.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

Yes you're right, I can't leave my family my dad has alhzeimers and dementia and can't stay home alone.

He isn't alone unless your mother and brother are incompetent or incapable. Another option is a home aide to care for him.

[Lady DT 32]

If you having the surgery to keep people from talking then this is not the correct choice for you people family and friends will always make comments on your weight whether you are large or small in order to be successful in any effort that you choose in this life you must have a strong mind strong will and most of all a strong sense of self esteem I suggest work on yourself work on your strength and get the knowledge and help you need anything that doesn't break you makes you stronger

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[Pam924 84]

Sorry this is happening ... we have an adult daughter who lives at home, and she can't move out -- she just doesn't have the resources so the poor child is stuck with us. Sounds like you have things that keep you there, so it might be helpful for you to find means of support outside the house -- not sure where you are in Illinois, but North Shore has excellent support groups twice a month (https://www.northshore.org/apps/calendar/results.aspx?Keywords=bariatric) that address the needs and concerns of people both pre and post surgery. There are also really good weight-loss psychologists in Illinois who could help provide tools to cope with family members and others who are not supportive. The only change we can control is in ourselves, but as in all things -- we need to know how to make the changes. I hope you have the opportunity to get some assistance.

[pvechiola 195]

Yes you're right, I can't leave my family my dad has alhzeimers and dementia and can't stay home alone.

He isn't alone unless your mother and brother are incompetent or incapable. Another option is a home aide to care for him.

You really need to work on your people skills before assuming anyone is incompetent that was very rude. FYI my mom works at the school district FT and my brother works 6 days a week, another FYI my mom is 73. I am on disability and all of us have a separate job in this family. I asked for help dealing with their comments and opinions about my commitment to go forward with wls not to bash my family because they are scared for me. We have a beautiful home and we work hard to keep together. I hope you learn some people skills before you insult anyone else on this website, you could easily hurt someone with words.

[pvechiola 195]

Sorry this is happening ... we have an adult daughter who lives at home, and she can't move out -- she just doesn't have the resources so the poor child is stuck with us. Sounds like you have things that keep you there, so it might be helpful for you to find means of support outside the house -- not sure where you are in Illinois, but North Shore has excellent support groups twice a month (https://www.northshore.org/apps/calendar/results.aspx?Keywords=bariatric) that address the needs and concerns of people both pre and post surgery. There are also really good weight-loss psychologists in Illinois who could help provide tools to cope with family members and others who are not supportive. The only change we can control is in ourselves, but as in all things -- we need to know how to make the changes. I hope you have the opportunity to get some assistance.

Thank you for that, you're right I am in Melrose Park, near Chicago and my first support group meeting is on Tuesday night. I'm pretty sure I can find some positive reactions there because some of the people on here are kind of rude or they need better people skills. I'll be good thank you for the support group info I will definitely work it out.

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@pvechiola

It sounds like you are in a situation where you likely cannot move out for several reasons. I get this as I am caring for my FIL who is 87, hearing impaired and has big time memory problems.

Fortunately we are not living with him but it may come to that in the future. We could do it but it would really be a lot to handle. He currently has a senior helper every day, 5 days per week and then hubby and I are with him the other two. It is hard on us because we work as well. Hubby out of the house and me from home. I seriously would not get anything done if I live with him.

We will see what the future holds as his health issues progress.

That being said, I hate to say this but you will have to get a thicker skin. Our parents don't always behave the way they taught us to behave. Of course that gets worse with age as well.

If you are considering weight loss surgery, the comments might actually get worse given your diet will likely look a lot different.

My father n law loves the fact that I am now thin but is always making comments about the fact that I don't eat a lot or I don't eat the same food.

He will constantly push cake, Cookies, pie and ice cream at me.

I have just learned to say no thank you politely and of course repeat myself everytime he asks because of his memory issues. After I say no thank you, that will make my tummy hurt he lets it go.

But will usually say something like: "thats a dirty rotten shame"

Rinse. Repeat.

I just remember that he loves me and doesn't know any better right now and I suck it up. I of course have a lot more patience than my husband who will get mad and yell: She doesnt want that! After he has asked me 4 or 5 times.

Oh and I almost forgot, his filters are completely gone. So if he gets a caregiver who has a weight problem he shakes his head and rudely comments about how fat she is. This is painful for me because it makes me wonder what he thought when i weighed 310lbs.

Apparently he likes the way I look so much now that he is constantly trying to slap me on the backside or tells me how pretty I am. This does make me very uncomfortable but I have learned not to get within butt slapping distance. LOL...see....filters are gone.

Thick Skin and lots of willpower. That's the only advice I have.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@pvechiola, if words could be retracted, I would. It was not my intention to insult you. Your previous notes gave me the impression of an endless barrage of insults and ridicule from your family perhaps to the point of it being almost a career for them. Their being scared for you didn't come through. I do not doubt my people skills.

[TXJess 98]

Sounds like you have a tough situation altogether for everyone in your house. We all make do with what we have though.

One of the things that was really the hardest thing for me at first was the guilt about why I couldn't just lose the weight and maintain a healthy weight without the surgery. For some reason it felt like the surgery was an admission that I wasn't strong enough. So I did a lot of sole searching and had a very honest discussion with my doctor about it. What resulted for me was a script that I live by now. Maybe it would help you to develop a similar internal script. this isn't a tougher skin, just a different way to look at things.

#1 - my weight/fat is not me. This is something I carry around and I want to get rid of it. Maybe I did pick it up in the first place and that was stupid, but I want to put it back down. It doesn't define me. I can hate it without hating myself. People can comment on it without it being about me. It's my 100 (now 80) pound bag of rocks I carry around.

#2 - "Why can't I have (fill in the blank)?", or "but it's Christmas", or "how do you celebrate". I had (fill in the blank) for years and it did me no favors, or "I'll have plenty of Christmases in the future since I'll be healthy", or "food is fuel, not feelings".

#3 - But the surgery is so extreme. I hear this the most. My family was against this for me at first. My son begged me not to do it a week before the surgery. My response is now - I have demonstrated time and time again - at least five or six times since you have known me that I can lose the weight. What I have been unable to do is to keep it off. The surgery is a tool that will help me in the long run keep this weight from returning.

Anyway - hope you are having a lovely day and that you get a break at your house sometimes.