Infidelity (long)


17 posts in this topic

Never Say Never.... I created this topic in August of 2016. Today is Feb 2017 and as I read back over this I think I knew all along it could happen. Lets just say I did travel back down that road. I've lost close to 85 lbs and with all my newfound interests... I never stopped thinking about "him".

Soooooo one day I was out with friends and I got the impulsive urge to reach out to him So I did by requesting him as a friend on FB. He responded the following day on fb messenger and seemed very happy to hear from me. He text me his phone number and explained how much he missed me and was so happy to hear from me. So we went back and forth and although we didn't have a lot of time he was eager to meet up with me if only for a hug and quick hello. I was super excited to reveal my new self to him and he seemed already excited to see me the way he knew me. We met up briefly and the smile on his face was worth it all. We hugged and agreed to keep in touch and link up real soon. When I walked away he grabbed me again, hugged me and said damn baby you look soooo good I miss everything about you. I was satisfied with having just seen him. I figured he wouldn't follow through with further contact.

Well we remained in contact. We did meet up all the old feelings never left and I was once again in love but very cautious. What was I doing? The man I'm married to has gone through enough already. BUT I couldn't stop myself I was already in too deep. This time it was different. I was getting what I needed from him. He was highly responsive to my texts, He initiated. almost like he had a 2nd chance to make a 1st impressionHe even said I thought I would never see you again. I never forgot you and don't think I haven't tried to find you. COme to find out when we started texting through FB messenger I saw 4 previous attempts over the last 2 years where he attempted to reach out to me. The most recent attempt prior to my December contact to him was May 2016. For some reason I never got them. It looks like he sent them and I just never responded.

Anyways Everything was awesome I was having my cake and eating it too. I know it wasn't fair to my husband but I really needed to obtain closure from this situation. I needed validation, affirmation and I was getting a little more than that. Well a little more than a month since we reunited, my husband found out that I had been back in contact with him and he was of course devastated, heartbroken you name it. He did reach out to the young man and he was very apologetic to my husband. He did continue to contact me and even though I shouldn't have I welcomed his contact and we continued to make plans to spend time together. Several days after my husband found out... I received a text message from the guys phone. I guess his girlfriend was notifying me that he had one.

She then left a vm on my phone screaming at the young man and demanding he tell her he has a GF and a baby on the way. I was hurt because he lied to me. I asked him several times if he had someone and he adamantly told me no. He knew my marital status therefore he had no reason to lie. He later told me that he thought if he admitted to having a GF he would lose me. I told him that we both need to go fix our lives accept that we are not meant to be in each others lives and I wished him the best.

I did not feel bad about the GF because if he had been honest she may not have ever found out. (twisted thinking) Because I thought he was single, I contacted him when it was convienient for me. If id known about his GF I would have been more considerate. I do feel bad for my hubby although he understands how this guy affected me and that I needed closure I hate stepping on his heart to get it. Well I got it. It never had anything to do with the way I looked-- he just wished things were different because he developed feelings for me. The best way to get over what he could not have was to move on. He did think I looked amazing but did not comment on the weight loss.

My husband and I have patched things up and you would think that he was the one that messed up because I've been getting flowers and candy and edible arrangements, trips to the jewelry store etc. My husband says he feels relieved and believes he finally has me back totally as he knows how I had been previously tormented.

In the end I know it was wrong, it was very selfish of me to have an affair in the first place it was dead wrong for me to reach out to him recently. it all worked out though and I do not regret it. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders-- I don't really think about him anymore. Really now-- I could care less.

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Boy, I sure do feel sorry for your husband, he deserves better...

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@dredfern I wholeheartedly agree. My husband deserves better than what I gave him. he deserves better PERIOD. We're in counseling now. My contact with the young man has stopped. He did reach out to me last week to check on me but I told him I was fine and that he shouldn't call me again. He wanted me to know that he loved me and really wish things could be different because I truly make him happy. I feel the same-- but I know it would never work. Its all just a fantasy. I choose to be a better partner to my husband and work to fix our issues so that we can have a healthy and happy relationship, or agree to let it go and move on. No one deserves to have their heart crushed. I am doing whatever I can to repair, rebuild and restore.

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[mention=307585]dredfern[/mention] I wholeheartedly agree. My husband deserves better than what I gave him. he deserves better PERIOD. We're in counseling now. My contact with the young man has stopped. He did reach out to me last week to check on me but I told him I was fine and that he shouldn't call me again. He wanted me to know that he loved me and really wish things could be different because I truly make him happy. I feel the same-- but I know it would never work. Its all just a fantasy. I choose to be a better partner to my husband and work to fix our issues so that we can have a healthy and happy relationship, or agree to let it go and move on. No one deserves to have their heart crushed. I am doing whatever I can to repair, rebuild and restore.

I'm going through something similar only I'm on the business end of the situation and I'll spare you the lecture of how horrible it feels to be cheated on by someone you love so dearly. What stands out to me is you're taking responsibility for your actions, that both you and your husband are in counseling, and equally important is you've stopped contact with the young man. That is SUPER important if things are to work.

I hope in counseling the therapist is getting you to address and explore that part of you that compelled you to have the relationship with the man. It's important to get to the bottom of why and your husband needs to know why. It may seem obvious but there's usually a lot more to the story than meets the eye.

For me, it's flattering...very flattering...to be fancied by a man but I love my husband and want my marriage intact. So when temptation shows up I've to think of how hard divorce can be & ask myself do I really want to live with buyers remorse that can come with an affair and that usually does it for me.Lol

Plus.......

my husband is struggling because of my PTSD. I've suffered with the PTSD monster for many years which has caused me to come across as uninterested towards him, which couldn't be further from the truth. What is the truth is that I was viciously attacked in Mexico while he was out to sea (Navy) and almost killed. I had to defend myself or die. As a result the anxiety and OCD I've had since childhood exacerbated into crippling anxiety, OCD and major depressive disorder for which I take meds. The weight of it all killed my soul and it wore him down.

The attack happened 24 years ago and I only told him 2 years ago. I never got help to really deal with the issues until very recently because I was scared about what exactly was going on with me and what his reaction might be when he found out.

At any rate, because of my behavior of being distant and untrusting and cold, instead of turning in to me, he turned away from me, which devastated me greatly. I think he was/is scared, angry, definitely feels rejected and hurt that I didn't tell him and he says he feels guilty that he wasn't there to protect me.

We are working through it though and I have learned that his decision to turn away from me is his $hit not mine... his actions are not my burden to carry & visa versa. So I make no apologies for waiting so long to tell him. Hell, it took me 5 years to even tell my psychiatrist. I do make amends for the bad decisions I've made because of my PTSD.

What I'm trying to say is after a loss of 100+ pounds and getting into shape and going on a fabulous cruise just a few months ago, I thought we were on the right track.

The woman he was "involved" with was 100lbs bigger, married and miserable. Lol so he definitely wasn't thinking straight either. Jumping from a frying pan into a fryer wouldn't have helped him.

We are slowly healing, taking it day by day.

My belief is that some couples need periodic counseling whether they're in a good place or not, to help keep the foundation strong. Had we done that I really think we'd not be in the spot we are in now.

Marriage can be hard at times so counseling as needed gives a safe place to air out dirty laundry, teaches how to set healthy boundaries, which in turn can strengthen and keep the marriage bond growing.

My "lecture" probably sounds pontifical but I really hope you guys make it and move past this and Celebrate a life time of marital happiness together. Don't give up!

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I think fantasizing about other people is perfectly fine. But if one feels compelled to take it a step further and cheat, or try other things, they should examine the relationship they're in, presuming it's monogamous. Monogamy isn't natural anyways. But, when one marries a person, whether you want to call it a religious bonding or a contract, it's something to be 100% honest about, with yourself and your partner. There's nothing wrong per se with that desire to be with other people, but it would be fair to the partner to end the relationship first. Rest assured if my wife had cheated on me (and I caught it or she told me), that would have broken our marriage contract and that would have been the end of it, no questions asked. Likewise, if I ever felt compelled to be with anyone else I'd tell her first. Don't see it as an issue really.. while we've been married 7 years, I'm perfectly happy and apparently so is she. While it's commendable OP (who may be gone after this post which was done like 8 months ago) found a way to counselling after cheating, if I was the guy I'd not have bothered. If one is willing to try out other fish in the sea it's only fair the other person have that chance as well, and since I'm not willing to cheat in a relationship I entered into with a sole person, only makes sense to break it off.

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I second the above comment, no one on this earth in a marriage, a commitment made before god, deserves to be played with or treated that way. Over and over again, it made me sad for your husband, your actions were so selfish! Just to boost your ego your tore down the man who would take a bullet for you, for 22 year old that was getting a nut off let's be real, for you to be that old there's no excuse for your actions you know better your married, the 22 year old could careless about you, your marriage or your husband. Your lucky, it could have turned out tragic people get killed playing with people's heart. I'm sorry for the long rant but damn yes it feels good to get attention, but I wouldn't dare cross that line my man is way to good and doesn't deserve that. I hope you truly get the help you need, and if you truly can't be faithful let your husband find what he deserves. Good luck

2017 could it be, a new me? yaaaass please!

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Good luck Candygyrl, I hope you can make things right with your husband. If not, I hope you do the right thing and let him go...

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