Told my Mother I was having surgery and her repsonse is.........

[Clementine Sky 707]

I don't think I've ever seen a post here by a woman of legal age who reported that, when she told her mother she was considering or going to have WLS, her mother said: "Oh, honey! I'm so glad. I've been hoping you would consider it. I support you fully and with no reservations 100%!"

I don't recall a single result like that.

Usually it's just like reported in the OP and other earlier comments -- the mother delivers some version of: "You're crazy. You're stupid. You're wrong. You're not fat enough. You're too fat. You're going to die. You're going to have complications. You should go on a diet and exercise. How could you do this to me?!" Or worse.

Most of you know your mother's not going to support you and is going to bust your balls. But against your better judgment you tell her anyway. And then she busts your balls.

I'm so grateful to be the exception. Not only has my mom been tremendously supportive of my surgery, she insisted on paying for it and being by my side. I've made it into my early 30s without my mom having ever made me feel crazy or stupid about anything, much less personal healthcare choices. My husband is a physician, and I'm a professor, so she knows we're keen on educating ourselves before making momentous decisions. She's also known that I've struggled with my weight for years, and how it has impacted my quality of life in a myriad of ways. When I first told her about wanting to have the VSG she was mildly surprised only because she didn't think I'd qualify for it since I was a size 14, and definitely overweight but barely into the obese category. My endocrinologist had recommended the VSG to me because other patients my age and size who have PCOS have benefitted from it. I sent my mom the medical research on women with PCOS having the VSG, and she became as committed to me having it as my husband. Insurance wasn't going to cover a cent of the costs because my BMI was under 35, and she was initially concerned about that aspect. Local surgeons were going to charge $29,000 to $35K. My husband and I are still paying off student debt, so that was unfeasible. I did research on having surgery in Mexico, and sent it all to her. She got on board. She insisted on giving us the money for the surgery. Since my husband was working the week of the surgery, she and my dad flew out to be my support team and accompany me to Mexico. In the ten months since having the surgery, only my parents and my husband know about it, which has been perfect for me because they've given me all the support I need. I can't even put into words how much I appreciate her and my dad.

[BandtoSleevechick 171]

@@Clementine Sky... Thank you for this!

[finding_onederland 226]

That is really a shame - but it's also the reason I won't be telling my mom about my surgery either.

It's funny, my mom used to tell me the same thing - "just write down what you eat" & I remember asking her - ok, then what?!?

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[Clementine Sky 707]

"WHY IS THIS NECESSARY??" along with " I don’t see where your weight is so bad that you can’t get on a diet regiment and exercise program to help that." and a ton of other says.

Of course I broke down my reasons for her. She still doesn't get it. I specifically asked her to not tell my sisters because I know the response from them will be even worse.

I honestly thought she would be a little more supportive than this.

I understand that 9 times out of 10, family is worried about your safety and the risks, and even though I don't have any healthy issues right now I feel like at my age (36, 228lbs) its only a matter of time before I start to develop all of the health issues my fathers side of the family has. Why wait, when I can take control now??? After all the diets and exercise programs I've been through, obviously they weren't working for me very well. This is a tool not a magic pill but I do feel that after seeing everyone's success, its a dang good tool and I'm willing to give it my all.

THIS makes me very sad, because my surgery is only a couple weeks away and I need support. Not the stress of family not supporting me.

You are right to have the mentality of "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." My parents were supportive of me having the VSG in part because of the experiences of one of my mom's college sorority sisters, who in her 50s was faced with needing to have double knee surgery because of her obesity. She instead had gastric bypass, lost the weight, and no longer required the surgeries. It was a transformative process for her that allowed her to really seize her life and live it fully again. They witnessed that transformation. Another friend of theirs did have double knee surgery in her 60s, also because of her weight, and it was a grueling, physically and emotionally painful process. Type 2 diabetes, heart problems, joint pain, and a plethora of other weight-related issues have plagued their friends. In your 30s you're old enough to make sound medical decisions for yourself, and young enough to benefit from the ability to recover more quickly and to reduce your risks of future problems that can rob you of your vitality. It's like an insurance policy of sorts that can give you some protection for your future. It also benefits your present. I'm in my early 30s and definitely view having the VSG as one of the best, most life-improving choices I've made for myself. I've gone from a size 14 to an 8 in the past 10 months, and gained a tremendous amount of energy and confidence. In part because of losing weight relatively slowly, but also in part because of my age, I have absolutely no loose skin. My scars completely faded. The younger you are, the more likely your skin is to be resilient.

Leading medical institutes have done studies on bariatric surgery vs. other methods of weight control, and come to the conclusion that the surgery has more favorable and lasting outcomes for many people. You can get an account on MyFitnessPal for free, and there's little costs involved in exercise like running in your neighborhood. If it was as simple as tracking your food and working out more, why would any insurance company in the world agree to pay for expensive bariatric surgery? Maybe you could pose that question to your mom. Showing her the research on bariatric surgery might help to convince her that it's the wise move for you. You can also find research about the safety and efficacy of WLS. Of course there are risks involved in it. There are risks in vaccines, OTC cough medicine, Vitamins, dental work, and any medical procedure out there, but what's important isn't the fact that the risk exists, but putting that risk into perspective. The VSG in particular is incredibly safe if you use a reputable surgeon and medical facility. There are risks in inaction, too. You are young and healthy now, but you will age, and if you don't do something about your weight it is likely to increase and cause your overall health and happiness to deteriorate. You're not an impetuous 14-year-old. You're a grown woman already experienced with the frustrations of trying to lose weight with the methods your mom suggests. I definitely recommend the surgery. Hopefully if you can give her factual evidence about the efficacy, logic, and safety of the surgery in addition to your own personal reasons for it, she will change her mind and support you. If she doesn't, do it anyway. In time as you lose weight and gain more energy she'll hopefully see that it was indeed a good decision.

[austinsboysmom@yahoo.com 3]

I know the feeling I told my mom and dad and they told me about all the bad stuff with it. My mom told me to track what I eat and go to the gym. I been telling them they I can't do it on my own or I would. I am 36 and a mother of two boys and I want to be around longer for them. Last night my dad told me I can't do it cause I love food to much and I am giving everything up for it. I am trying to put around me positive people, I am ready to prove my family wrong, and my sister is getting ready to get married and they told me to get a plus size dress and have it altered to fit after surgery and I told them that is more money. You will do great and find the positive people in your life. I have my work family, church family and friends!!!

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Edited June 3, 2016 by austinsboysmom@yahoo.com

[reachbree 140]

Thx everyone for the comments.

My mother dearest is itching to tell my nutritionist sister. She said "IM curious as to what she has to say about this!"

So for the umpteenth time I asked her again to not say anything to the rest of the family and that I will say something in my own time.

[kmorri 1,689]

I don't think I've ever seen a post here by a woman of legal age who reported that, when she told her mother she was considering or going to have WLS, her mother said: "Oh, honey! I'm so glad. I've been hoping you would consider it. I support you fully and with no reservations 100%!"

I don't recall a single result like that.

Usually it's just like reported in the OP and other earlier comments -- the mother delivers some version of: "You're crazy. You're stupid. You're wrong. You're not fat enough. You're too fat. You're going to die. You're going to have complications. You should go on a diet and exercise. How could you do this to me?!" Or worse.

Most of you know your mother's not going to support you and is going to bust your balls. But against your better judgment you tell her anyway. And then she busts your balls.

My mother was very supportive! She of course showed concern over having a surgical procedure.....but said she certainly understood why I wanted to do it and supported me 100%. Now since the surgery she has been soooo excited for me and has been a great cheerleader. She has struggled with her weight most of her life too so maybe that's the difference....she said she wished she had done the same many years ago.....she's 74 now and thankfully her BMI is lower so at her age it's not something she needs now.

[mskittykat03 113]

I made the decision to not tell people. My family does not believe in the surgery. I've been heavy my entire life and hitting 40 has caused some major concerns. I started at 236 had surgery 4/13/16 and now 6 weeks later & 40 pounds lighter I couldn't be happier. We all hear just diet and exercise. Easier said than done sometimes. I now pay very close attention to what I eat and I walk at least 5 miles a day. Surgery is not an easy answer and sometimes people don't understand that. Best of luck with surgery and the family. ????

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[sharonintx 1,275]

I did not tell my mother or brother until the day after surgery. They weren't that happy lol. As time went by and they started seeing the results it got much better. Hang in there. Your mom will probably jump on board down the road.

[Dr-Patient 830]

@reachbree It's GOOD that mom/sis are so far away, because they don't need to be in your face day by day with their negative, doubting energy and spirit. And yes, the beginning days/weeks may be a bit uncomfortable (it's surgery!), but not miserable or unbearable. But you will get better; the weight will come off; you WILL be happier, sexier, more confident, less emotionally burdened/trapped or self-critical. Sweet Freedom!!!!!!!

You've got hubby and his support. Together you TWO move forward with your journey to be the best you want to be, and can be. Your mom and sis will see the end result later.

And yes...DON'T bother telling others. Ain't their business; and you don't need commentary from the uninformed or those not in your shoes, re: your psyche, health, needs and desires for YOU and your man. Step away from, and don't even give an opening to, toxic energy.

Having the VSG was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. Wish I'd done it sooner. Good luck to you.

[still_dna 10]

Tonight I told my mom I was scheduled for surgery in 2 weeks. Her response, "you know you'll have hanging skin everywhere". I'd rather have hanging skin than tires of fat or a list of co-morbidities. I'm so sad she is not supportive.

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Edited June 4, 2016 by still_dna

[reachbree 140]

Im sorry Im certainly not alone with this.

makes me sad too, but like most of the pp's said, she is slowly accepting it. Today is better than yesterday and she even said that she would try to drive up to visit me after the surgery....so keep your head up. your mom will come around....they may NEVER be overly excited about it...that is until they see our success.

Tonight I told my mom I was scheduled for surgery in 2 weeks. Her response, "you know you'll have hanging skin everywhere". I'd rather have hanging skin than tires of fat or a list of co-morbidities. I'm so sad she is not supportive.


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[Cari Dickenson 148]

My parents supported me. I was one of the lucky ones it seems. My weight had gotten out of control after losing my thyroid... and you can tell your mom you tried losing it on your own and it didn't work. I went to the gym for nine months worked my butt off was sore and went 4 days a week and ate... bird food and lost barely 30 pounds.... it wasn't gonna happen for me on my own...as long as you know this is right for you in the end that's what count's. you are doing this for you to be healthy. this is your journey and you need to make this... about you and only you. if she doesn't support you let that be her problem...having the surgery is not anyone's first choice... but for many of us it was the only and best choice. Most of us have tried to do it on our own before we considered the surgery... which is not a quick fix like some people think. its work and you have to work at it. But the surgery makes it possible makes it easier... gives us a chance to get the weight off. I will be the first to say it's hard at first.. I think about food now more then I did before... weigh my food make careful choices based on Protein needs... and I can still take my kids out to eat. I bring my scale with me... You just make good choices... eat steak or chicken... I can usually eat several meals off of what I buy for myself..my food bill has gone down... along with my weight. I am happier healthier... My energy levels are not yet where I want them to be but physically I feel better...I talked with my doc and its normal to be tired for a lil while... of course My journey so far is only 6 months in.... he said after a year or so I should feel much better. I can tell you my knees are not hurting nearly as bad as they did my back is getting better... my hips haven't hurt at all which is amazing. You keep doing what you need to do for you... your health and don't worry much about what anyone else thinks.. Maybe they are jealous... cos there not as thin as they want to be... you just never know what and why they are thinking or acting this way....

[Cari Dickenson 148]

Tonight I told my mom I was scheduled for surgery in 2 weeks. Her response, "you know you'll have hanging skin everywhere". I'd rather have hanging skin than tires of fat or a list of co-morbidities. I'm so sad she is not supportive.

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You know I had those questions about skin as well. And it's not as bad as I expected. I thought it would be worse.. and they said give it a yr or two and let the skin go back... I was a few days after my 40th bday. I have some skin.. its not half as horrible as I thought it would be...I went from a 5 x.... now I can fit a jrs 15/17( and I'm not done yet) and it feels very good my journey is far from over... and at first yeah its a lil scary.... but all surgery is a lil scary. and remember you can also decide when your journey is to a weight you are happy with to have the skin removed as well..you have options...

[Alex Brecher 10,484]

@@reachbree,

This may not make it any easier, but you’re certainly not alone in having your mom and other loved ones not agree with you that you are truly big enough for WLS and that you need WLS to lose weight.

Even if you can’t get her to agree, I agree with @@Caribear that right now, you should be dealing with the stress of surgery, and not the stress of your family not supporting you. Can you at least talk to your mom and explain that she doesn’t have to agree with your decision, but you’ve made your decision and the best way you can prepare for surgery includes being relaxed and feeling loved. Let her know how much her opinion means to you; she may not realize how much it eats you up inside when she doesn’t support you.

I am so glad your husband supports you! With your mom 7 hours away, his opinion means so much more. Good luck either getting her to come around, or getting over the stress of her opinion.