2 months after surgery talking divorce

[FatDan&TiredOfIt 10]

So my wife after my surgery sort of became heartlesss. Idk what caused it but no matter the amount of effort I put in to making us better, she seems to make that much less effort. Now she has told me she doesn't love me anymore. I really don't think it's related to the surgery but before it she was on board and ready to be supportive of my changes. I don't regret it or anything like that but I really don't know what to do. Going to try marriage counseling but so frustrated with everything I want to call it quits. Words I never thought I'd say. I know though we owe it to our child to try to work things out. Things were so good before I just can't figure out what happened. Anyone have experience with this?

Sent from my SM-G900V using the BariatricPal App

[Christinamo7 4,041]

not post sleeve experience, but I will say that about 10 years ago my marriage was falling a part. badly. husband had done some stupid things and I was finished. We had a lot against us. but we are people of faith, and I have children who I felt their best chance at a good life was if we could work things out. so I tried. but when my disabled son moved out I realized I couldn't have left at that time, so - after John moved to a group home things really fell apart for real.

Husband went through 6 months of hell when we essentially separated (stayed in the same house, separate rooms, separate lives) while he let me grieve the real loss of the marriage I thought we had, and gave me time to see him make real changes. He also did the "love dare" I don't know if you've seen fireproof - but it came from that. He was SO patient with me. At the end of the day I knew I either had to make things right or let him go, and the idea of him being out there somewhere, not loving me was harder than doing the work to forgive and move forward.

For us, we experienced a little bit of a miracle the day I decided to stay that confirmed things for us (God does wink from heaven sometimes, I find) He is a mechanic. He had lost his wedding band shortly before we separated. THE VERY day I told him I wanted to make things work his friend sent an email about a ring he had found on a post inside his car's engine bay. he had been driving that car FOR A YEAR with husband's wedding ring on a post in there. I knew that was God's little hug to tell me he was with us.

Now, all these years later I am glad we did the hard work to make things right. But know this, it will take both of you. My first husband divorced me after 9 years. He did not want to work things out or get counseling. he just wanted OUT. you can't make someone stay. my second (good) husband was willing to do the hard work of making a good marriage.

Wishing you all the best as you move forward and hoping that you can get good counsel.

Let me also add right after surgery at week 3 I was ANGRY about everything and at everyone. then I was depressed for about a month, which is not like me. I have a good friend and my husband both that I am filtering every important decision through right now because I recognize that with the hormone dump I am not in a good position emotionally to make decisions on my own. not forever, but for now. Please consider that this may also be a factor going on with you right now. make any decisions carefully.

[itstimealready 180]

I'm 6 months out and totally forgot about the hormone dump. I've alienated so many friends and colleagues going through this. I forgot I used to be more reasonable.

[KristenLe 5,979]

I can only say that children are better off with 2 happy parents - even if they aren't together than 2 unhappy parents staying in a relationship only for the children. Don't stay together for the children - do whatever will make you happy and be a good parent!

If that's working it out than great!

[Miss Mac 6,261]

I had to kick two ex-husbands to the curb. The first was my high school sweetheart, and we were married for 23 years, which was about 20 years too long. I was in a church environment at the time when he began to cheat on me prolifically with no conscience. I prayed and stayed until it just became ridiculous to endure him bring other people's germs home to our marital bed and putting my health at risk. Our daughters were 15 and 17 at the time, but they understood how toxic and one-sided the marriage was.

My second marriage lasted ten years, but he had psychological issues that had been hidden from me and eventually manifested themselves by him mistaking me for a punching bag. I had to flee the state to get to safety.

I stayed man-free for a couple of years so that I could get to know myself. I needed to know what I would eat, do, watch on TV...without someone else shaping my decision.

Once I was comfortable with who I was in my natural mental state, I reached out for companionship. I knew then exactly what the deal-breakers would be and where I was flexible to compromise. That is when I met a kind and thoughtful gentleman from Malta and we have been together now for ten years with no issues in sight.

A one-sided relationship is no fun and not emotionally fulfilling. Sorry to say that your wife has already "checked out". If patience and counseling have not given you results, it is time to decide which way to go. I agree that you are not doing the children any favors by staying together, especially if you and your wife expose them to drama and conflict. That then becomes their example of what a normal marriage looks like, and sets them up for failure at relationships.

Originally, I did not want to admit defeat by getting divorced, but I finally realized that the mess was not about me. It was about selfish spouses who had no regard for sanctity of marriage. It sound like to me that your weight loss has absolutely nothing to do with your dilemma.

Hold your head up high and face the raw truth about your relationship with your wife.......you tried. It sounds like you both are totally exhausted from trying to keep things patched together. I wish you the best with some future happiness and peace of mind.

[FatDan&TiredOfIt 10]

Blank

Edited May 9, 2016 by FatDan&TiredOfIt

[jaxmom 643]

Ahhhhh buddy... I'm so sorry to hear this. Sounds like you were taking a positive step in your life so I'm sure this is really hard. I know from reading the boards that people say don't make any big life decisions in the first 6 months after your surgery. I guess your body is going through a lot and so is your mind. I understand it's not your choice though, so I'm sure you are upset.... I really really hope things work out. Sorry could not help per se, just wanted to give you a bit of support with a smile for what you are going through. Best of luck, I mean it.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[FatDan&TiredOfIt 10]

Thanks everyone for your stories and support I know that everyone is different and every situation is too but it is nice to vent here sometimes and hear others that have gone through similar situations. I do know that 2 happy parents together or not are better for a child but that's where I struggle. We were so happy and then it was like a switch. I am optimistic about counseling, I have found a Dr that has a strong track record and I think that it will help both my wife and myself to see him separately as well as together

Sent from my SM-G900V using the BariatricPal App

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Like many people here, I've also been divorced.

I'll say one thing about relationship counseling -- no matter what you guys decide to do about the marriage, there's another relationship that will benefit just as much from counseling as rebuilding your marriage. And that's learning how to be sanely and undestructively divorced. (That sounds like something Gwyneth Paltrow said, although I don't think she did. )

A healthy divorce is just as deserving of the investment of therapy as a revived marriage. Plus, you've got a child you will both have to co-parent, whether you're married or divorced. And that co-parenting relationship is even more deserving of your therapy investment.

Very best to your family -- whatever you all decide to do moving forward.

P.S. Rant away.

[DavidOso 272]

In many cases it is about control (and insecurity). The spouse gets to control the "fat" spouse because no one else could possible be attracted to them. As weight is lost that control is (perceived to be) lost. The attention the post op spouse receives for the dramatic weight loss is an issue. That attention used to go to the OTHER spouse, and now they resent your successes. A sick way to look at things, but it is THEIR sickness, not yours. I wish you the healthiest (physical & mental) outcome, whatever it may be.

A former ring wearer.