Year surgiversary and my #1 NSV – figuring out how I got fat and loving myself

[butterfly23 423]

Exactly one year ago today I got my sleeve.

As part of my process of losing weight, I have decided to post my story. Warning, emotional dump below. Thank you to everyone who reads. I am so grateful to BP and to everyone who has the courage to share as I learn and am inspired by your stories – so I decided to post my own. I cannot imagine going through WLS without BP and you all.

Figuring out why I got fat – and how to heal myself

I have literally spent the past 30 years in different types of therapy trying to figure out why I do not take care of myself, love myself or feel worthy of love. Through the process, I have learned a lot about myself, done some hard work yet was still very overweight (high 421) and struggled daily with basic self-care.

I am a social worker and have also spent the past 25 years working in the helping profession, yet I was not helping myself. I am so grateful to be able to say now that I am taking care of myself, really for the first time in my life of 44 years. Thank you WLS.

I have been in talk therapy on and off since I was 14 when I tried to kill myself because of nightmares and flashbacks from childhood trauma that scared the hell out of me. I was in a group for sexual abuse survivors for many years because of the sexual abuse from my grandfather - a known sexual perpetrator that my mother moved into our house for free babysitting. I have done focused healing work on my abuse from him and the immense abuse and neglect from my mother. I have done somatic body work and EMDR for trauma, couples therapy with my husband to work through how my trauma and his trauma trigger each other, a formalized emotional eating disorder program for my binge eating (and of course Weight Watchers numerous times, nutrisystem, South Beach, Optifast, you name it) and copious amounts of psychoanalysis, CBT, solution-focused therapy, hypnosis, acupuncture, psychotropic medications, self-reflection and journaling, self-help books etc…

And I weighed 421 pounds.

Enter my decision to get the sleeve. I had been resistant, buying into the myth that if I tried hard enough, I would figure out how to take care of myself and not overeat. After struggling with enough energy at 421 pounds to run a non-profit, take care of my family and go to school for a masters in social work, I took a year off from school and signed up for the weight loss program at Kaiser. I always heard that in order to take care of others you must take care of yourself, but for some reason I thought I could be the exception. I was finally motivated enough for WLS.

A year later I got my sleeve at 385 pounds, and today, exactly one year after my surgery I am at 253 pounds with another 100 to go. I could never be here without WLS and my learning to finally and truly start taking care of myself. I realized that the solution was inside me the whole time – realizing that at my core, I felt I was a bad person and had to show everyone else this by my weight. I was using my weight as a boundary because I couldn’t say no or take care of myself.

In addition to WLS, I have started mindfulness training, worked hard on self-compassion (based on Dr. Neff’s work) and letting go of the shame that kept me big (Brene Brown’s work). I still have a long way to go, but today I wanted to honor how far I have come from the scared little girl who was traumatized to the adult I am today who finally is not scared to be healthy and take care of herself. Happy one-year surgiversary to me!

[2goldengirl 2,076]

Fantastic work. So, how will you Celebrate and own this wonderful milestone? Cause a year of improving self-care is a HUGE achievement for you!

[reree6898 1,164]

What an amazing and encouraging story. It never ceases to amaze me that those of us who always take care of everyone around us never take the time to take care of ourselves. I am guilty of this as well until I made the choice last year to get sleeved as well (I am 6&1/2 months out). Great job on not only the weight loss but on learning to take time to care for yourself as well! [emoji4]

[liposuction68 178]

Thank you for sharing. NOW i want you to go buy yourself something nice in honor of your great success. it could be a pin or a diamond. just do it in memory of your hard work.

Congratulations!

Edited April 15, 2016 by liposuction68

[byebyebmi 100]

Amazing job I just wanted to say that I love Brene Brown as well. Keep up the great work!

[Valentina 2,642]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I, for one, am deeply appreciative of your openness.

Personally, I'm not quite to the "loving myself" stage yet, BUT I am "liking myself" a whole bunch more.

Does that count as a positive step forward?

Your journey is and will be an inspirational path for a lot of us to follow.

Keep us posted. Are we nosey? Yep! Do we care? Hell, yeah!!!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Happy one-year Surgiversary to a strong, resilient, capable woman! This is awesome.

[butterfly23 423]

Wow - I really appreciate everyone's kind words and support!

@@2goldengirl I am not sure what I will do yet Celebrate as it will be after May 11 when I graduate with my masters degree (yikes, I cannot believe it) which honestly is reward enough. Thanks for your support, I guess I am celebrating in my own way by this post!

@@reree6898 thank you and congrats on your success! Yes, prioritizing self care is hard and I always erroneously thought it was selfish if I did - in fact, it is selfish if I do not as those around me suffer.

@@liposuction68 I appreciate your sentiment as I do not really have the $ to purchase anything right now but I your post made me think of making something (ritual?) to mark this time so thank you for that! Perhaps a collage.

@@byebyebmi thank you and isn't Brene Brown amazing? So inspired by her research and techniques.

@@Valentina sometimes liking ourselves is enough or for me at least not hating anymore. That is many positive steps forward! Of course I'd prefer to always step forwards, but WLS (and stalls!) have taught me that often it is one step back but then two steps forward.

@@Inner Surfer Girl you awesome! I am trying to barter a trade for a massage with my partner and I know you have one coming up soon too.

[Kathy812 794]

Wow, you have come a long way and you're winning. It's clear you are a conquerer!

I have no doubt you will reach your goal. Continued success to you and thanks for sharing your journey.

Sent from my SM-G900T using the BariatricPal App

[butterfly23 423]

@@Kathy812 thank you and congrats to you on your own success!

I really appreciate everyone who took the time to read my story here. I felt really vulnerable being so honest and worried no one would read or care - but you all really honored my experience and I am so thankful.

I took advice shared here about celebrating - went to the farmers market and bought some flowers and yesterday splurged on a pedicure. Didn't spend too much overall but really felt like a treat! I also started work a collage, which I will post when done as a creative outlet of my experience with WLS.

I also forgot to mention that I have incorporated gratitude practice into my day as much as possible to re-train my brain. Today I am grateful to BP and this forum for us to learn, inspire, heal, laugh and sometimes cry about this crazy WLS experience.

[New Jersey Rambo 30]

Thank you for sharing your story it is inspiring that you found the path to happiness for yourself. Happy Surgiversary! It makes me wonder what I will be and feel like on my sugiversary. I agree the most important thing for us is to love ourselves but it is the hardest thing for me, but I've changed and hope to keep it going. Good people not only take care of others but take the time for themselves as well! Keep it up!! Good luck!