Did anyone's spouse lose attractiveness when they got close to goal?

[Chrystee 838]

My Husband has been acting a bit strange lately... I was feeling particularly good one day, and said, don't I look good,and he responded very lacklusterly with an.. eh, its ok.. which really hurt my feelings.. he had me feeling like I was vain after I gained my composure and asked him about it later that day..

Finally, he opened up to me this morning about how he really preferred me heavier, and that I'm still heavy in his mind.. he doesn't picture me so "little" but that he loves me and I'm his best friend.. etc..

I was pretty surprised. I know he likes large women. I was a little bit bigger than I am now when we first met.. I don't understand it, I guess cause I'm not attracted to that look..

Anyway, anyone go through this? He refuses to go to counseling..

[7TimesBlessed 16]

Interesting.

[Chrystee 838]

When we met, I was probably 20-30 pounds heavier than I am now.. actually maybe a little more than that..

[PrincessMonsterTruck 35]

I am still in the pre-surgery stage of my journey, but this situation has also occurred to me. My husband is a large man. I'm a large gal, so it's been fine for us. We are attracted to each other, and share a similar lifestyle now. Although he says (and displays) that he is supportive of my WLS, I am concerned how my dramatic weight loss will affect him, and our relationship. In a perfect world, I will have a very positive experience with it, and he may consider it for himself, and then we can continue together with the new lifestyle. But, what if he doesn't? I don't want him to feel guilty for eating something that I can't have. And I don't want to feel resentful towards him.

When I first started this, I kept saying things like "OMG my whole life is going to change!" Then I thought of my husband and our life together. How hurtful that statement must have been to him. I realized that although my weight was certainly a major part of my life - but, it wasn't the whole thing. My marriage with my husband is awesome, and I don't want that to change at all. To head this off, I'm doing everything that I can do proactively communicate with him so we can squash those obstacles. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared....

I am sorry that I couldn't offer you much advice or solace for your situation.

I do wish you the best and hope that you can work it out. I suppose if I can offer any advice - it would be to encourage you to keep communicating with him. Show him that although you may look different... You're still the same girl that he fell in love with.

[cookarue 233]

My husband also prefers a curvy woman, but he also has said that he wants his wife to be as healthy as possible so we can be with each other for as long as possible. We met when I was at my heaviest (250) I lost almost 100lbs from diet, then gained almost all of it back with my two pregnancies. He loves me for me, and I accept that. Someone might be his physical idealness but they'll never be me. He's a very fit military guy, so I've always felt uncomfortable at my weight meeting his friends and things. He's good with the fact that I'm going to lose weight (and boobs lol), as long as I "don't lose too much" (120s). Even if I do though, I'm very secure in our marriage. For me, it's a good problem to have. He's attracted to me, because of me and that's good. If the tables were turned and he gained weight, I wouldn't love him any less. I think it's more of something I need to get over than he will. It'll take some time, but we'll get used to our new normal. Also, I know if I gain any back (as some people don't stay at their lowest forever) he'll be totally fine with that.

[snickysnack78 131]

I have gone though a similar thing with my boyfriend. Once I had the surgery, he changed on me. I am still considered bigger since I was very heavy when I started, but he didn't like the weight loss or attention I was giving to myself. He tried to purposely have me eat and drink things I couldn't, which failed on his part, and even told me about 6 month ago that I have lost enough and not going to the gym. For him, I think he thought that when I was bigger, I would just settle and not go towards my dreams, which may not include him. I am more active now and he is less active due to lifestyle change and he has several health problems that he will not help himself with. In the end, he did want counseling, but I was done and now he is my ex boyfriend.

I hope you guys can talk about it. I think before the surgery my relationship was at a downfall, however it could have turned around

[860971 31]

I've been with my husband since I was 15. He has seen me at my highest and my lowest. He is 155 at 5'10". He loves me at any weight. He always buys me a size medium. I was a 2-3X. Love is weird. I have lost 40lbs so far and when I ask if he can tell he tells me no. Unexpectedly it made me happy. This shows me he loves me either way. Relationships will change. You have to remember who you are doing this for and why. For me it is for me and it is so I can get/be healthy so I can be there for my family for a long time.

[KristenVSG2014 1,871]

He could be projecting his own insecurities on you.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

I am glad I was in relationship drought when I decided to do WLS. As a matter of fact I deliberately choose not to date during the transition for this very reason.

From what I have read weight loss (or gain) changes the power dynamic of a relationship. If one partner makes a change making them more desirable to the opposite sex, it can create insecurities in the other. It is a game changer. Now many relationships have improved since the weight loss as I read this site, so it really depends on the nature of the relationship.

@@Chrystee, you might want to check out John Gottman's work: http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_8.shtml. He may have done some of the best research on relationships I've seen. I'm not about throwing out the baby with the bathwater, but relationships require work, and it does take both. I was happily married for 15 years (the last 5 REALLY STANK), so I'm a big believer in trying to save things. Divorce sticks beyond belief, as well as staying in a crap marriage, so save it if you can without settling.

[Chrystee 838]

We've been married since I was 19 and he was 21.. and we have now been married 16 years. We were married 7 years before our first son was born. Before we met, he was with his ex for 6 years. He met her at about a size 14/16.. about where I am now.. and she lost down to a size 4 and went a bit crazy, cheating on him a few times. I know that is where his insecurity lies..

However, I can't help if he is attracted to larger women, although he told me he is still attracted to me, but he does wish I wouldn't lose anymore weight, but I wouldn't be happy with that.

I told him the other day that he is so unemotionally supportive. He mostly always has been.. Now I notice when I get compliments it really makes me feel good/attractive. I've never dealt with that.. I've NEVER felt pretty.. so now I'm just questioning.. why can't he do those things too! He should be saying those things to me.

Also, he isn't very overweight.. He's fluctuated 50ish pounds.. if he lost 40 pounds right now, he'd be at a very good weight for him, and he loses it with running..

Edited February 9, 2016 by Chrystee

[AnA92212 577]

No words of advice. My hubby and I are doing this together. He had surgery 3 weeks before me. Our support group talks about this a lot though. How relationships can and will change after surgery.

[Elode 8,093]

@@Chrystee My husband didn't say that but he did say "I think you looked the best at 180" ummm excuse me! Well I think you look best without a black eye soooo. That was nearly 40 lbs ago. Then I remembered at 267 he never told me I was fat....his opinions are now null & void! He can't be trusted in the weight determining department so he's found it best just to shut up. Which is just the way I like it!

[Emilie.Lancaster 189]

My first big weight loss (I lost 90 pounds a few years ago - gained much of it back - sleeved in early December 2015) had a similar thing.

I said to my husband at the time (I guess THAT gives away the ending), "Hey, why don't you say I'm looking good?"

He said, "I don't want to be disingenuous..."

And there it was. Like many men, Mr. B had a type. When I wasn't that type any more, he was under no obligation to lie and say he fancied that new me. He didn't. There's not fault there, as I'm the one who changed.

I've met and married someone else, and I met this fellow at the low point of my weight, and gain 50 pounds while our relationship progressed, then I was sleeved. As I loose now, I have all kinds of support from Mr. L - as the thinner girl is HIS type.

No doubt - massive weightloss is something that changes us on many levels. This surgery is also a changer: I am a super sniffer now, and I don't get hangry like I used to. When did I start liking hot sauce? No, thanks, I DON'T want eggs any more - really. I wear different clothes and feel different things about what I see around me as hormones flow in new and interesting ways. People react to me differently. I'm in a Sci-Fi business and people who wouldn't take my calls at near 300 pounds think I'm so very interesting now....

Perception....

Reality...

Horse...

Cart...

???

Bariatric divorce is a real thing - I know first hand. Brace yourself or get to counseling.

[ssflbelle 829]

Yep it happened to me and I wasn't even at goal. I married my husband in 1995 when I was 420 pounds barely able to walk down the aisle. My dad was on one side my brother on the other side. My husband was of normal size but I made us a wedding bench that we could sit on up at the alter. My husband was a Fat Admirer and that is probably why I married him at the age of 39. Here I was a 420 pound 39 year old woman using an electric mobility device to get around and barely able to do anything. Yet this 8 year younger attractive man was willing to marry me and take care of me.

About 8 1/2 years later when I gained all the way up to 497 pounds and couldn't even get out of bed, I wrote him a 3 page letter asking him for support and what he could do to help me. He reminded me that he loved a super obese woman and that I would get no help what so ever from him. I was crushed, how could you love my fat more then my health and having me around you longer. I never got an answer.

Some how I got the strength to get out of that bed and drove myself to a Weight Watchers class. That year I managed to lose 95 pounds. During that year I also discovered he cheated on me with women just as big as I was. We went for counseling the first time he showed up, the second and third time he was late the last time he never showed up. Within 4 months of discovering what he had done I filed for divorce. He has been out of my life since Feb 2005 and it was the best thing I ever did.

I am not saying this will happen to any of you but in the world of Fat Admirers they know what they love and they usually will not settle for a thinner person. I have dated since then and gone on to lose even more weight as I got down to 314 before my surgery 2 weeks ago. Even though I am 60 there is still a lot of life and love left in me I hope the next man I fall in love with is either naturally thin or has had WLS. I am done with Fat Admirers forever!!

[Babbs 14,680]

Huh.

My husband has loved me through thin, fat, thin again, fat again and finally thin again. No matter what I looked like, he still couldn't keep his hands off of me.

Maybe that's why we've been together for almost 30 years. He just loves me for...me. I guess I'm lucky.