Fat Shaming Husband...so hurt

[Miss Mac 6,261]

As the survivor of two badly abusive marriages, I feel for you. I was raised methi-bapti-presby-costal, which means we moved a lot and my parents dragged us to whatever church was on the next corner. I was raised to believe that a good Christian woman was of secondary (or no) importance to her husband who was the head of the household whom no one dared disagree with or there was literally hell to pay. I was raised to believe that if you didn't like it, you were to pray and stay.

I "prayed and stayed" for 23 years with my first husband who cheated on me prolifically and brought home someone else's germs every week-end. He called me names and told me I was too ugly to live. One day I was watching Oprah (this was back in 1993) and she had a woman guest on who had written a book on domestic abuse. That was the first time I had heard, "Instead of asking yourself..... I love him why does he treat me this way? start asking yourself.....Why would I love someone who treats me this way?"

That woman set me free, and gave me the courage to separate myself from a horrible man who constantly drove my self worth into the ground. I had "prayed and stayed" until he put me at risk for AIDS. My church upbringing was preventing me from seeing the red flags that would have saved me from dangerous men.

My second marriage was to a psychopath who hid his mental illness very well until after the ceremony. Again, I "prayed and stayed" for ten years until he hit me and threatened to kill me. I did contact a women's shelter, and they helped me to realize that there were indeed ways to get out safely even if I did not immediately see a means of support.

You don't have to perpetuate a mistake. If you want to consider this from a Christian perspective, you need to realize that obedience and submission are not the same thing. Obedience is for small children, draft animals, and slaves. Submission is a voluntary, willing, emotional investment for a mutual harmonious household which comes from a loving relationship that is properly maintained through patience, kindness and longsuffering.

Even the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 had a life of her own. She kept her family well-cared for, she made belts and fabric items to sell in the marketplace, she even bought and sold real-estate....all while having babies and tending a garden. Her husband respected her, not ridiculed her for what he perceived as imperfections.

I agree that you need to contact a women's shelter or the Domestic Violence Hotline to get a professional opinion from a legal, not religious perspective. Sorry, but your marriage is not based on love - it is based on him controlling you so that his own selfish needs are met. This is a one-sided relationship. What's in it for him?????Everything. What's in it for you???? Nothing.

Please get well and then get some help....some way - some how. Visit us often for support.

[Heather I 500]

I'm very worried for you, Blue Sky. After surgery, can you maybe pilfer some grocery/errand money aside and start saving for the "rainy day" where you can move out? You can apply for housing since you are accepted on disability and will get Medicaid and heating/fuel assistance. I'd research your options while you are recovering and get a plan in place.

And this is the petty jerk in me that probably would inflame the situation, but can you record him berating you and play it back to "embarrass" him the next time he gets on his high horse? Maybe some members of the congregation need to hear how he treats his flock.

Grrrrrrr.

[Cape Crooner 589]

@@Cape Crooner I respect what you say and wish more men were like you. More in touch with their feelings, perhaps? But I will say this...if someone blatantly tells their S.O that they are embarrassed of their appearance or do not want a "fat" spouse..that's emotional abuse. If he's coming from the point of....I want a HEALTHY wife but chose the incorrect words...that's understandable. But if he is only concerned about how she looks and what others may think of her appearance, that's a whole different ball game.

My ex, we'll refer to him as "A"- when we began dating I was fit! Not just skinny. I'm talking, decent abs, muscular legs...i played soccer and it was obvious by my physique. "A" left for the air force & I battled with a few "demons" if you will...anxiety & depression being the biggest culprit and put on a few pounds. I was still at a healthy weight, just not as cut like HE preferred. When I went to visit him, he refused to take me on base to meet his friends. Or have them over for a cookout and beach volleyball. I finally convinced him to tell me why he was so opposed to the idea. Wanna hear what his response was?

Something along the lines of.... "I have a picture in my room of you in your bathing suit from when we first started dating. I don't know how I will explain to them how you went from that.....to this."

I didn't get flowers, candy, stuffed animals, etc in my care packages from him. I got hydroxicut. Freakin diet pills.

I honestly do try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt, but what she has shared sounds all too familiar to what I experienced. And if he is coming from the same point as "A"....then he does not mean well. He is inconvenienced by her looks and the lack of "trophy wife" material that he expects. That's abuse. Plain and simple.

I don't think I made myself clear. I'm suggesting two thoughts to the OP:

1. You're clearly fragile and he didn't say the things you needed to hear. I'm suggesting that what he actually said/meant might have been different than what you heard. No one knows this but you (certainly not a bunch of strangers on this forum).

I've been married 37 years and my wife hears me say things all the time that I don't think I said and certainly didn't intend to convey.

2. Clearly, you don't like what you're hearing him say. Have you told him loud and clear that? Have you told him what you need from him to help you get through this? Women her nuances that guys can't. Guys are thick in this area and need to be set straight.

Obviously, if you're certain that he spoke those words and meant to be hurtful and you told him as much and he doesn't give a ****, you need to move on.

I'm just saying be sure first...

How is he otherwise?

Edited January 28, 2016 by Cape Crooner

[careya123 260]

Now might be a really good time for marital therapy. I'm so sorry for your struggles.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Like I try to tell our newbies, opinions and tact will vary....but we mean well.

[TammyDTM 391]

@@Bluesky1

If you are a saved woman, then you have the Holy Spirit living in you. Draw upon the power you have within and KNOW that you are loved by your Heavenly Father, no matter what you look like!!! Know that!

PEACE

[4shiggles 57]

This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry. Praying for you.

[MsB7 64]

I am so sorry you have to go through this.. I pray for a speedy recovery. I pray that he will wake up one day and admit that he was wrong and start to treat you like the Queen you are No Matter how your health or weight affect the way you look.

Blessings

[TMW2016 36]

Wow! Thank you all for swift responses. It's good to hear that my feelings are valid, and that this is unacceptable.

As far as making him move out...He is the bread winner, I'm disabled and filing for disability, just had a hysterctomy, about to have a sleeve surgery...and I moved in to the house he already owned (and gave up my apartment). So, leaving or having him leave isn't really an option.

It is abusive, I know it, and of course he tells me I deserve it. He is very attractive and I think he is embarrassed of me. I am embarrassed of me too. That is why I need this surgery. I need help. I know it. I have been (for the last nine months), doing something about it (classes, weigh-ins, a myriad of tests), and I'm having surgery in 4 weeks, so the badgering is just totally unnecessary. He tells me I'm conning the system because I gained 7 pounds to have this surgery. I sure did! 7 pounds waa not going to rob me of the opportunity to have this surgery. I have gained and lost all my life, and those 7 lbs would have come on organically, as my weight continued to keep going up.

I know saying I hate you...is really strong language. It's just hard to not have awful feelings toward someone who is beating you up mentally and shaming you about your body. Lord knows, I beat myself up enough. I don't need reinforcement.

Thank you again. It means a lot to know I'm not alone, and I'm so grateful for this website. It is a blessing!

I'm sorry to hear about this. I am a Christian woman and I believe in having a godly marriage. I would bring all this to the Lord in prayer and I certainly would bring scripture to his attention of how a man should treat his wife. Christ would not treat His bride in this manner!! And it needs to addressed and dealt with, however, if it continues, then get out! God does not want us abused and unhappy! I will keep you in my prayers!

[Valentina 2,642]

"Tread softly upon the pain".

Worry, embarrassment, hurt, frustration, resentment, anger, and fear will all slow down your healing processes.

You need to have nothing on your heart and mind except getting physically and emotionally stronger every day after your surgeries. Anything else just "clogs up the healing flow".

I would try to find a quiet time, sit down with your husband, hold his hand, look him in the eyes and explain to him just how much his love and support mean to you right now and forever more. I would --without looking away--repeat my wedding vows. Ask him if he remembers his vow to not only you but to his church when he became its minister. I would explain that in every woman's life there is a time when she truly needs to "the one", the reason the sun rises and sets. The time she whole heartedly needs to be "cherished". Now, before your surgery is "your time". You can tell him that you know you both have "issues" and you are more than willing and are looking forward to working through with him---after surgery, but for right now, right here, you NEED him to be the husband the God instructs him to be.

I know how crucial support is from one's "heart". Try and try and try again to get that through to him.

We are here to listen and encourage. ---and pray for each other. Right now you have been added to a pray life-line. Folks you don't even know are praying for you. How can you lose? prayers are floating up to the Lord --all for you. All will be well,

God bless and KEEP IN TOUCH-----OFTEN!

Valentina

[redvet 39]

Praying for you my sister, God would not want you to be with someone who treats you and speaks to you that way, have faith and courage, take care.

[katladee 156]

@@Bluesky1 I feel so bad for you and the way he must make you feel. No person should have to endure that behavior from anyone, but especially their husband. I was in a controlling marriage for 14 years, and finally got a second job and that money went into my own account not our joint account, until I had enough to get an apartment Are there any family you could go and stay with? During that separation, I also would adivise marriage counseling. It didn't work for my marriage but I wanted to leave knowing I had done what I could to save it. I will include you in my daily prayers! Hopefully once you have your surgery and the weight falls off he will come around, but if not, please don't stay in a loveless marriage because of finances. It sucks! Best wishes!

[Bluesky1 191]

Certainly, the words you recall him saying are shameful and inexcusable.

I don't know you or him, but I would ask you to consider something.

Did he really say those exact hurtful words, or was he just trying to encourage you in his own warped way?

Guys think tough love is a very loving way to motivate. I've been married 36 years and I know women beg to differ.

I also know that after 45 years of struggling with my weight, I became very sensitive to anything anyone ever said about my weight (especially my wife who seemed like she could eat anything).

As a Christian myself, let me suggest that you give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his heart is the right place, but his mouth isn't cooperating.

I would try and win him over as your biggest supporter. You just have to open up and explain to how long and hard the struggle has been (cry, guys always melt when the girl cries).

Most of all, make sure he knows exactly how much the tone of his words cut deep into your soul. Sometimes you have to hit a guy with a 2X4 - have you done that yet?

That said, I'm 4 months out of VSG and I can assure you he'll be eating his words a year from now when your Weightloss struggle is a distant memory!

Stay the damn course...

Your words of wisdom are really appreciated. My husband does believe that his tough love angle should work. It does the opposite, and it adds to my wanting to eat. I am a food addict. I am trying to take responsibility for my food and weight problem by having this surgery. But, his unkindness sure doesn't make it easy.

I have tried to ask, beg, threaten, and yell....STOP IT! But, it just leads to more arguing and strife. We had a few days of that. He told me that he's frustrated that I gained all of this weight after we just got married. I don't look the way I did when he met me, and he's never had to go through this with anyone....also, he's angry that I eat, when I want to lose weight. I see how it could be frustrating. It's frustrating to me.

I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. He absolutely doesn't want me to have this surgery. He feels I'll just gain the weight back. I realize that he hasn't studied anything about it....and that's his choice. I plan to continue to heal day by day, and have the surgery.

Again, thank you for sharing your experience with me.

[Bluesky1 191]

I too am a Christian woman and have been married 21 years. There have been ups and downs. I have put up with a lot of things my girlfriends where quick to tell me they would "never put up with" and I have done things his friends have told him were too bad to get over. During our early years we argued and fussed a lot!!! Not so much now but we still don't agree on everything. We have 6 kids and he is my best friend. As I write this I am disappointed in him but I still love him. You have to love yourself and decide for yourself what you are willing to put up with. Don't threaten to leave if he knows you wont. You are working on your physical needs and that's great if you're doing it for YOU! You need a plan for attaining independence so you don't feel trapped. It gives him too much power over you and he knows he has it which makes .Praying for you.

Thank you for sharing your heart and experience. It's hopeful to know that you've stayed the course. I did tell him I want a divorce, or he can file for divorce. But, the truth is...that isn't what I want. I want to have peace, and feel that who I am is adequate....no matter what I way. The surgery is TOTALLY for me. I wish I had the means or the weight (I wasn't "heavy enough" yet) to do this a long time ago.

I'm staying and praying. I hope that things will turn around. I recognize that my illness, pain, and surgeries (back to back) are not easy for him. It doesn't excuse his unkindness, but I see that he's not having an easy time either. Separation may be in our future. But, right now all I can think about is getting past this pain (the hysterectomy surgery has been hard, and I have new pain) and then having the sleeve surgery on Feb. 23rd.

[Bluesky1 191]

*It worse. Praying for his heart to be softened and for God to watch over and protect you.

Thank you for your prayers Sister I will be praying for you too.

Praying for you my sister, God would not want you to be with someone who treats you and speaks to you that way, have faith and courage, take care.

Thank you for your prayers.