The Ex's

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Okay, if you haven't heard Elle King you really need to listen to her hit "Ex's and Oh's" - great song.

Oddly, I have had Ex's sort of reappear recently.

P - very casual dating at the time, but my type in so many ways. He is outgoing, world traveler, very family oriented, business man, plans for early retirement like I want and just a few years younger but youthful in energy and attitude. He has more energy than me, whuch isnt very common! He is from Italy and there is something about those big personalities that suits me. I wasn't really ready for a serious relationship and he was separated not divorced at the time. What ended things is he moved about 4 hours away, but we stayed in contact and remained friends. I feel a strong attachment to him and when we met for coffee some months ago when he was in town, it was very comfortable. In many ways our relationship never ended, just changed.

Anyway, he brought up wanting to start something serious but I just can't bring myself to deal with a long distance thing. It is funny, I would MOVE for a real relationship with the right person, but to date... I am like 45 minutes is about my limit.

Actually as my give a damn is fairly busted, 45 minutes might me too far...

One of the thing P said is that after dating a bit after he moved, divorced final etc. he realized what a great catch I am and he wanted me in his life (About time someone noticed!).

That is flattering, especially coming from someone like him that I like and respect so much but. I just don't want to effing drive and give up so much of my life to that. My adult sons live with me, so it would be me driving, at least at first as I don't introduce them unless it is serious (or just a platonic activity partner ).

Even so, this still rolls around in my mind as someone I could really be with.

Then, yesterday I got an email from K who I dated for around 4 months in 2014. There were good things about our relationship, and he is a good guy but I found him to be a little...critical. nothing big, but I found it a little negative. Also during that time he had big problems with his neck and shoulder which meant we couldnt do alot of stuff and i got bored ... he is normally an active person but couldnt be at the time. Of course that probably contributed to his negativity. We ended things mutually, according to him the reason was we hadn't fallen in love, so why bother as he is looking for a wife/life partner.

Ok, so now he asked me to go to a live music show (one of our common interests ) and I assumed it was "as friends " but had to decline due to a work commitment. He then says "too bad, of course I was hoping to wine and dine you." Luckily this was by email, because my instant response was WTF?

I didn't hit the send key yet.

Never in a million years did I expect that. I wasnt in love, but it took me some months to get over so on some level i was hurt i guess. It is part of my "I am really sick of the 3-4 month relationships " of which I have had a couple. They have discouraged me when I should look at them as positive learning experiences. This is a topic I have discussed in counseling, that I experience "losses " of many types as abandonment, even if I wanted the change/loss to happen. So I don't hold any personal bad feelings toward him, it was hard to get over and set me up for falling for a crazy guy about six months later (situation I feel lucky to have gotten out of safely ). I guess through no real fault of his own, I don't feel that fondness and attachment toward K - although we had an awesome sex life. He does meet my 45 minute criteria however.

I am not out there actively searching and have gone on a few dates with someone else who wants to keep seeing me but I am not sure I want to pursue, so I am definitely "available "

As all the singles know, it is pretty hard to find a match who has the same relationship goals, are sane, financially secure, physically appealing, sane, health and activity oriented, sane, and you actually enjoy their company so as I recover from surgery... I contemplate my Ex's and Ohs....

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Have you discussed alternating travel for together time, or is he always expecting you to make the traveling effort?

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - As an outside observer, I think you hit "unicorn" status as described here:

(just to be fair, here is link to a criticism of it: http://www.bustle.com/articles/34202-dana-mclendons-universal-hot-crazy-matrix-a-mans-guide-to-women-is-the-worst)

Yes dating is a crooked game...however it is the only game in town.

If you really run the numbers you will begin to realize just how hard it is to find the right person. You don't want young kids, they have to be free, and add to that you get to a certain point of responsibility where you expect financial accountability...that eliminates many people. Then there are those who have developed chemical dependencies, gambling problems, mommy issues, narcissism, Border Line Personality disorders, PTSS from war or other situations...The pool gets really shallow when you start thinking about all the people you want to exclude. So you create an "deal killer" list which removes 70% of potentials and then your choice is to settle or negotiate. And let's face it, even those who make the cut, just don't do it for us.

Its rare to find the right person. But if done well the search can be rewarding. So please don't get completely down on the process.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Oh, he'd do most of the travel. His adult kids are across the country. The issue is that my home is shared with my sons and due to their schedules, tend to be around all weekend. I just wouldn't be comfortable until I felt more assured things would work out.

Anyway, I have another several weeks of recovery so nothing is happening in the near term. Just speculation for now.

Have you discussed alternating travel for together time, or is he always expecting you to make the traveling effort?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@OKCPirate I didn't watch the rebuttal but the irony for me is that the dude drawing all that out was only about a 3 on the looks scale . Not enough data points to assess the crazy.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@OKCPirate, @@CowgirlJane,

Harrumph, how rude that chap is. One would think he'd have the good taste to whisper his judgments behind closed doors as do most proper people.

CJ, the emergence of exes always makes me think of the primordial ooze. Then, too, it seems that exes who emerge from the fog of high school or college days actually take. So many people connect solidly decades later.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch well, at first I wasn't too thrilled with the statement th a that all women are at least a 4 on the crazy scale but truth of the matter is people are just boring (or more likely really repressed and the crazy comes out later) if they aren't just a little zany, silly and nuts at times. My best lover ever is probably an 8 on the crazy scale and at least that on the hot scale(at least to me!). At first it unsettled me to not know what his mood would be..but once I felt safe with him I actually found his wild ass antics be energizing and fun. He would not see me when his moods were really low. One of my girlfriends loves it when I hear from him now and again because he always has some incredulous, complex, self inflicted crisis going on that is quite entertaining from afar. I would never live with, have a joint bank account or count on him for anything.... and dont see him anymore but he was a great person to have in my life at the time.

Anyway, it was pretty hard for me to be too offended when I put it in the context of my own experiences. And it is supposed to be funny, right?

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@CowgirlJane, sounds as though your Mr. 8/8 was a variation on the 'walk on the wild side.' If he was diagnosed bipolar skewing to the manic side, he would have to have been fun at those times and probably near-frightening other times.

Yup, the video fellow was attempting humor, but a broad humor of 60 years ago, don't you think? If I recall correctly, I may have quarter-snickered once or twice. He's stuck in a time warp/high school locker room/men's lodge event mentality. (Any Elks or Oddfellows reading this?) I wonder if he was wearing a wedding ring, but not interested enough to click 'replay.'

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Yes he is married and he has actually made a nice business since the video went viral. He feels the same way toward his wife as I do about my girlfriend...we found a unicorn and feel blessed

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So I couldn't dodge K anymore. Yep, over the last year he has dated some real winners and decided maybe I was sounding pretty good. He brought up something I actually forgot I said... that it seemed like "there was alot of sitting around drinking". It was true, not to point of drunkenness more too frequent. Anyway, he told me he quit drinking entirely.

I actually thought about things since getting his emails, and even though there are alot of good things about him, I don't want to be with him 6 months or 6 years from now so I don't want to see him. We talked for an hour catching up on everything and it was really good but I remembered that he had this was of making me feel vaguely...criticized or not quite good enough. It isn't personal towards me, it's how he talks about his kids, his job etc. - it's his world view.

Anyway I told him no but without a reason - I mean what us the value of telling someone that I know is looking for a wife (he actually said that today) that he is just too negative and hiding it behind a joke doesn't change it. So, that's done.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Yes he is married and he has actually made a nice business since the video went viral. He feels the same way toward his wife as I do about my girlfriend...we found a unicorn and feel blessed

That video is hilarious! Even better, it's clever. In the "love game" we can all use a little laughter.

I actually think his model works pretty well for all genders.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@OKCPirate I have to mention that during my hour long call with K last night, he mentioned that he seems to keep picking crazies and most recently a big liar. - and that I had been the exception to that " bad picker". You have no idea how tempted I was to ask "am I looking more like a unicorn these days?" Ha. I didn't because I am a gracious person and there is really no reason.

For a long time I have suspected that my lack of something other women do is failing to trigger men to actually fall in love with me. Like my pragmatic, straight forward and relatively self sufficient ways, I don't play the damsel in distress games. Actually I don't play any stupid head trip games. I am still not sure but it has been interesting to be appreciated more, even if it is after the fact.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - I would not begin to guess or offer guidance on this, but you do have a good logical head on your shoulders, and I'm convinced that you will figure this out if you want to.

I am reminded though of my own personal experience. My first major relationship following my divorce lasted a couple of years. It was turbulent at times. Following WLS we tried to rekindle the relationship and that turned into a train wreck. But I learned that she had some very serious issues and always had, but I choose not to notice them (I was fat, she was great looking, I was needy, so I put up with it). My crazy detector is now in working order, I'm not needy and I have had many more prospects since WLS.

That's what hit me when I met 'the one.' I could sense very quickly just how emotionally well adjusted she was. It has been a wonderful slow process of getting to know one another and falling in love. But that was not free, nor easy, nor cheap.

[mngreeneyes 674]

I had a year (2010) where several of my ex's found me on Facebook. A was still single and realizing that I had been a great catch. He was finally looking to settle down and get married and I was high on his list of options. He lived in Texas and I live in Minnesota so that was an issue for me, but since he assumed I would come visit him (on my own dime!) and eventually move to Texas, it was not an issue for him. (we met and dated in Minnesota so I was never sure how he figured I would be okay with moving to Texas, but...) He was also a bit of a bully when it came to getting what he wanted. He just would not accept or listen to my answer. This was really getting annoying, but he was in Texas so it was nice to have the attention from a distance.

Eventually, I got tired of him calling me when he was drunk to tell me he loved me, but never mentioning it when he was sober among other things and I ended even our phone and internet conversations. I never even made it down to Texas to visit him, which was one of the things he was bullying me about.

About the same time, E, my high school sweetheart who asked me to marry him, found me on Facebook. He was looking for online friends and had looked up several friends from high school. During our 8+ months of conversations, his wife left him and the kids and he started divorce proceedings. I focused on being his friend and sounding board, but there was always a little bit of "what if" too. We finally got to see each other at our high school class reunion. I think we both had "what if" thoughts. We had a great time hanging out and hung out until LONG after the reunion was over that day, but nothing happened. I wasn't good at initiating and he didn't so there you are. After the reunion I barely heard from him again. I am sure it wouldn't have lasted for the same reasons it didn't last back in high school. We wanted too vastly different things from our lives and what we did share, we saw divergent paths to get there. It was at least nice to get final closure on that one!

Although I am obviously not above giving second chances, both "second chances" ended for basically the same reason the first chance ended. I have definitely learned to trust my gut over the past years!

pam

[bellabloom 2,467]

In my experiences exes become exes for good reason. You can't get it right the second time because the reasons are all still there. Going back with an ex is just settling. I say this because I've done it. To my own distress.

Keep looking. Just keep dating. You're not doing anything to make guys not fall in love with you except maybe getting a little cynical in your attitude. I'm a firm believer in the fact that there are many fish in the sea and it's all about an optimistic look on love.

It just takes one and the right timing and an open heart.