Over 100 pounds down...now questioning my marriage

[daveintx 103]

I have lost over 100lbs and now questioning my marriage due to her weight and her not trying to go down the same path.

Edited November 23, 2015 by dave78tx

[lovingdavid 119]

Hi have you mentioned this to your wife? I am not married but maybe being open and talking to her about it would be your first step to see if she would also consider making a change.

[daveintx 103]

I have...it creates a negative argument and such

[L.Harmony 64]

I'm not married, but I've had similar thoughts. When I started my current relationship about 5 years ago I started dating a man who was also overweight like myself. He has been the most wonderful and support man. I really want him to lose some weight, he tries but not in the right way. He's trying to bulk up which hasn't really worked when it comes to losing weight. I just had the surgery, I'm really hopping that once he sees my progress he will become more motivated when it comes to losing weight.

You got married for a reason, and I doubt it was only for her appearance. Maybe write down everything you love or appreciate about her. You can even write down a list of things that you dislike or bother you about her. Really think about everything. Then look at these list and see if they are things you can live with. If they are things you can live with let them go. If there are major things you can't live with then maybe you need to evaluate your relationship.

[L.Harmony 64]

Think these things over, as a woman do not show her the list. That will start one hell of a fight at my house, if I found a list like that, I know I'm being a hypocrite about it. It may take a few days or even a week to write and figure out what you can live with and what can't. But do not do anything to extreme.

[miiasan 370]

Hmmmm... hate to say this - but why did you marry her in the first place? Did you love her only because of weight? You had WLS and it is working for you - and that is great! WLS is a huge decision as you know - and a personal one. Perhaps in time she will see the benefits of it and look into it - or perhaps it wouldn't be the right thing for her. Perhaps you need to cut her some slack and not expect something from her just because you have had WLS.

I know you probably want her to lose the weight because you love and care for her and want her around in the years to come. Nevertheless, you might want to re-examine the things about her that you do love and not judge her because she is not falling in line with what you have done about your weight.

[daveintx 103]

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.

Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

[gowalking 10,790]

It's possible she is creating a self fulfilling prophesy. She may have though that once you started to lose weight, the marriage would go south. In order to make sure she controls that, she may be sabotaging her weight loss... I may be totally wrong on this but I can even hear her in her head thinking 'well, he was going to leave me anyway. Why should I do what he wants me to do?'.

Seriously...this is a major issue and I don't know that you and the wife have the capability to work it out without professional help. I even suspect she doesn't know why she's not complying. If you can't see the issue for what it is, you can't change it.

Good luck. Oh...and no judgement here. I divorced my second husband even though I loved him. He was so f**k-up that I couldn't be with him no matter how much I tried. It was like being pulled down into the Water knowing I was drowning. I had to cut the rope and let him go so I could swim back up to the surface. Weight was not our issue...and it may not be yours either. The weight might be an outside symbol only. OK...sorry..can you tell I've been in therapy?

[miiasan 370]

yeah. I guess I have a different perspective. My husband loved me when I was 125 lbs - he loved me when my weight ballooned up to 275 lbs and he loves me now that I am slowly loosing the weight. He cares and supports me through every decision I have made - even if he doesn't always agree or understand. Has he always wanted me to be thin and healthy - yeah, for sure - but he never withdrew his love because of it.

I loved him when he was a buff lean healthy man. loved him when he smoked for 20 years and I would have done anything to help him quit. I loved him when he finally quit. I loved him when he became a type 1 diabetic. I loved him when he had pancreatic cancer and nearly died. I loved him through a year of recovery from a whipple procedure. I loved him when he was diagnosed with leukemia. I loved him through all his chemo treatments - and still love him today - just as I did when I met him 41 years ago.

I know that a lot of things can cause a marriage to fall apart. I can tell you in no uncertain terms if there was abuse I would not tolerate it - but in my marriage vows I made a commitment 'to have and to hold till death do us part' Things aren't always perfect or easy.....sometimes it takes courage and understanding and just plain love to see it through.

[Mountaingal 322]

Some people just don't love themselves. No matter what you say or do, no matter how much you love them. nothing will change till they change themselves. My husband ate his way to a stroke despite all the warnings I, friends, relatives and his Drs gave him. No pleading begging etc would change how he ate. Just denied it would hurt him. Obviously your wife isn't ready to change. I know it is very hard when you are working so hard to care for yourself. Good luck.

[IncredibleShrinkingMan 437]

Marriage is a sacrifice, but not a total concession of your own individual life. The stories of the unsupportive spouse are plentiful on this site, but I think this is pretty novel. So, all I'll ask is, would you be okay if she had had surgery and you continued to have reservations and she started to have doubts about you because you were not running for the surgery? If there is a backstory to this, such as that you are interested in somebody else or that you are simply no longer in love, I understand that as well as the fact that you'd rather not talk about it here.

I hesitate to think that following somebody down the same medical path is part of any tacit or openly acknowledged agreement within the marriage contract. You don't want to cajole her down this path without examining whether it is even the right thing for her. You are an item, but you may be two very different people. It was clearly a great move for you (I am looking at your numbers), but it could be a physical and mental disaster for her, not to mention a huge emotional investment into something that will not benefit her because of her mindset.

[dhrguru 1,238]

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.

Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

I'm curious-- what was this mutual agreement that you made before surgery??

My spouses habits didn't cause me to maintain a weight of over 300#'s for years... my own habits, or lack thereof did. I would never ever put any amount of this on my spouses shoulders. I control every bite that I take and move that I make.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.

Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

Love, shmove, it just happens. An emotion that lands in the lap takes no work and no thought. It's what we try to build on top of it that's the challenge. It seems to me that you are your own issue. Why not examine what it means to you for her to have surgery, what it means to you that she won't start the process, and your own what's and why's for having wanted and now wanting the mutual agreement? You'll have to be brutally honest with yourself. (Or not. It's up to you.) Repeated hammering at someone who says "No" is counterproductive and, in a grown-up world, there's no point in telling someone over and over what they already know (in this case, 'Your weight is unhealthy for you,' perhaps?).

@@gowalking is right on. Couples therapy can be valuable, especially when tackling the subject has gotten the parties nowhere or, worse, feeling worse. Some individual therapy for you wouldn't be a bad idea, either. I say "you" not because I think you're more troubled, for lack of a better word at the moment, than is your wife, but because you're the one I'm talking with/to/at.

[daveintx 103]

It's not about "falling in line". We made a mutual agreement before I had surgery.

Why did I get married. Love of course. Love can be tested and when you've had surgery and your spouse is still eating the junk and has the habits that got you to where you made the decision for surgery, it's hard. Very hard. The talks, discussions and even pleading does no good.

I'm curious-- what was this mutual agreement that you made before surgery??

My spouses habits didn't cause me to maintain a weight of over 300#'s for years... my own habits, or lack thereof did. I would never ever put any amount of this on my spouses shoulders. I control every bite that I take and move that I make.

We agreed to get healthy together and support one another. Maybe my post is a bit vague but I do love my wife. I do not however feel the same love coming in return as I am seeing her harm herself, I can however take accountability for what I do but if I am not getting her support and her taking accountability for her actions, how am I supposed to enjoy a healthy lifestyle with my spouse?

[daveintx 103]

Marriage is a sacrifice, but not a total concession of your own individual life. The stories of the unsupportive spouse are plentiful on this site, but I think this is pretty novel. So, all I'll ask is, would you be okay if she had had surgery and you continued to have reservations and she started to have doubts about you because you were not running for the surgery? If there is a backstory to this, such as that you are interested in somebody else or that you are simply no longer in love, I understand that as well as the fact that you'd rather not talk about it here.

I hesitate to think that following somebody down the same medical path is part of any tacit or openly acknowledged agreement within the marriage contract. You don't want to cajole her down this path without examining whether it is even the right thing for her. You are an item, but you may be two very different people. It was clearly a great move for you (I am looking at your numbers), but it could be a physical and mental disaster for her, not to mention a huge emotional investment into something that will not benefit her because of her mindset.

Not asking for to run and get surgery. It is an individuals own decision to do so and I do not personally think she should get surgery. I know I took a drastic measure to obtain a healthier lifestyle due to my morbid obesity, but I just think support by wanting the same, as we have always spoke of and acknowledged each other on, would be greatness.

Edited November 23, 2015 by dave78tx