Anorexia treatment :(

[foodfighter78 258]

Thank you for sharing this post, many people are telling me I'm loosing too much, I'm very afraid of getting my weight back, I'm 130lbs after only 7 months, I'm afraid of food, many friends and family tell me I don't eat enough even my nutritionist told to upper my calories, but I just can't go back to be obese, I used to love food now I just eat to survive. And don't enjoy it. I don't know if it's normal, after wls. I hope you get better soon. Thank you again for sharing this. @@bellabloom

[Daisee68 2,493]

Oh my dear @bellabloom. I am so sad and so happy for you at the same time. I hope you have come back and read all these supportive posts. I have worried about you often from many of your posts over the last month or so and I am so incredibly proud of the decision you have made to get treatment - for you and for your children. I hope you know you are not alone. I think many WLS patients deal with anorexia/bulimia whether you hear about it or not. While I have not been formally "diagnosed" with binge eating or compulsive eating, I am absolutely certain I am afflicted with this and anorexia / bulimia is just the flip side of it and all to close to those of us who deal with an eating disorder. I will absolutely be praying for you and that you will finally be freed from this and be released to live a wonderfully healthy life.

[Daveo 485]

I've been debating wether to post on this. I've decided to because I've felt very alone on this forum as it seems there aren't many wls patients who have also struggled with this type of eating disorder and I want to share my experience in case anyone is out there and afraid to speak up about this issue.

I've had an eating disorder for about 15 years. I've gone through periods of anorexia, bulimia, and obsessive binge eating. My weight has gone from average(145-150) to overweight (250) to now underweight at 115. Five years before I had wls surgery I went through a rough period of bulimia/ binge eating and sought out treatment. I was in a 30 day outpatient program. It helped me get past bulimia but I was never able to stop compulsive binge eating which got me up to my highest weight and lead me towards wls.

I knew going into this that wls surgery could trigger my eating disorder and it has, big time. I am now truly anorexic with some bulimic behaviors also, and although I've been telling myself when I get to goal weight I will eat to maintain that is simply not happening. My goal weight keeps dropping and I'm sure I'm not going to be able to stop losing on my own.

I've been in weekly therapy with an eating disorder therapist and dietician since I had surgery and sadly it just hasn't been enough to keep me from slipping into this. She has been watching me literally waste away for months now and is very concerned. While my BMI is still technically in the normal range, I've recently begun losing about 3 pounds per week again because I've simply stopped trying to maintain and it's only going to go downhill from here. I look in the mirror and I can see all of my ribs and my body looks like a little girls. But as soon as I walk away from the mirror I feel fat again and want to lose more. Body dysmorphia is a real thing.

For me the issue is complicated, wrapped up in fear of regaining, a deep sense of satisfaction and safety in seeing the scale drop, anxiety around most foods and the inability to see how thin I've gotten and feel comfortable in my skin. Dieting and losing weight is the way I feel in control of my life, and eating is an emotional comfort that goes very deep in me and leads me into guilt and an ugly cycle of feeling guilty about food even in small portions.

Being overweight in this world is very difficult. I was tortured about it as a child and simply equated my own self worth with my weight regardless of health and logic. Having an eating disorder is an indescribable horror. It consumes your life and makes it impossible to function normally and be successful and happy.

I promised myself that if I got to this point where I felt out of control and in a full fledged relapse I would admit myself into treatment before it took over my life again and I hurt myself. Being post wls I feel like I'm already fragile enough and to be unable to adequately eat is putting me at major risk for serious health issues. It's gotten so bad lately I'm having trouble even taking in Water and I'm resistant to Vitamins, basically I'm unable to care for myself correctly. Thoughts about food and weight take up all of my attention and I'm suffering in my relationships, work, family life, etc.

I'm going to go into a live in therapy program for 30-90 days and hopefully get past this so I can enjoy my life and maintain my weight in the future.

If there is anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder I'd love to chat with you. I'm grateful for the support I've received on this forum from so many wonderful people and though I may not post for awhile my heart is with you all in your journey.

That took a lot of courage to post, I wish you the best in getting the help you need and a speedy recovery. You have many supporters that want you to be healthy both physically and mentally. God Bless!

[gpmed 623]

@@bellabloom I am so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I admire your courage both in posting and seeking help. You're doing the right thing and I'll be thinking of you.

I completely relate to what you said about learning early on that your worth depends on your weight. I learned the same thing when I was very young and I struggled with bulimia during my senior year of college ten years ago. I sought help rather quickly (after a couple months) so I was able to recover with outpatient therapy. I gained more than 100 pounds during a very stressful time in my life a couple years later and have been obese ever since.

I tell you this to know that even on this forum you're not alone. Deep down there's a part of you that knows you're worth so much more than your weight or clothing size. Put your faith in that voice. You don't deserve for anorexia to disable you physically and mentally any more than you deserved obesity to.

And keep working at therapy! Uncovering the underlying issues that contributed to my eating disorder has made all the difference for me. Still, I understand how persistent the thoughts are and how they always seem to stay with you. Keep fighting and with help, I hope you can develop tools to overcome that way of thinking.

Sending warm and healing thoughts your way!

[J.lynn 50]

Girl, you are so beautiful (inside and out) and it breaks my heart that you are struggling with this.

You are worth more than an arbitrary number on a scale. We can all say it until we are blue in the face but it does no good unless you truly believe it. The scale doesn't measure beauty, compassion, intelligence, love. It measures the force of gravity on your body, THATS IT!

Throw away the scale, gauge yourself by how your clothes are fitting and the way you feel physically. If your jeans start feeling tight, then you know that you need to change whatever it is you're doing.

You have had a tough year and you need to focus on yourself. Always remember that you are loved and you deserve to be loved.

Best wishes with your treatment. I thank God you recognize that the road you're on is dangerous and you're taking steps to heal. That is the hardest part.

Now... Off to take some of my own advice. ????????

Edited October 31, 2015 by J.lynn

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@bellabloom I am glad you are seeking more intense treatment for this. All aspects of our lives are intertwined and I think stabilizing good health is critical to happiness too.

I know i have shared before......My former primary care doc warned me it easy for WLS patients to get nutritionally deficient and hard to rebuild good health so tackle it now for your sake, your kids sake. Take care.

[Mini_me007 121]

@@bellabloom You are smart and brave and awesome!! Recognizing your eating disorder, and going into residential treatment for it takes a fighter...that's you!! I wish you the very best and look forward to hearing how it went. Take good care of YOU. We'll be cheering you on. You can do this!

[bellabloom 2,467]

..

Edited May 20, 2016 by bellabloom

[2goldengirl 2,076]

So glad to hear from you! I simply can't imagine what the force-feeding must have been like post-GBP. It's very true that your issues are quite different, if only because your anatomy is different now. I applaud your insight into your issues, and your commitment to getting, and staying, healthy.

[gpmed 623]

@@bellabloom I'm glad the inpatient facility was a good wake up call and that you're finding a program that's a better fit. Your post sounds positive and like you're making progress! Hang in there and keep up the good work! We're rooting for you here!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Glad to hear from you, @bellabloom. Sure been thinking about you.

Sounds like it was a good experience although, as you said, not quite a perfect match for you. I'm so glad you're committed to getting better and better.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

It's good to see you here! I am sorry that program didn't work out but I am thrilled that you are choosing health! I believe that you will come out of all this for the better. Over and under eating are both disordered eating and by facing this head on I think you lay a great foundation for the rest of your life.

I also think your story might help someone else decide to get help and chage course - I appreciate your sharing your difficulties.

I cannot put words to how happy I am to be trim and healthy, but I am the first to say that some aspects of massive, rapid weight loss have been a rollercoaster for me as well.

[RaginCajun 177]

Reading your post made me want to cry. I would imagine most of us here couldn't even imagine what it feels like to be on the other end of the weight paradigm and the personal pain it brings.

You must have had some f*cked up parents or siblings.

I can relate tho, I was the baby of 4, and my closest sibling - who watched me after school at home, we were latch key kids of the 70s - just tortured me about food (your a fat slob, you asked for ice cream last night at the dinner table, you go stay in your room).

GOD BLESS YOU AND YOU WILL BEAT THIS!!!!!!!!

-RC-

[bellabloom 2,467]

I'm doing so much better. I eat fairly regularly now and am maintaining my weight.

It's a struggle but I've hit a better stride for now.

[distractogram 3]

Bellabloom, thank you for having the courage to talk about this issue. I completely get it. I had wls this December 3rd and I can feel some of my old, extreme, black and white thoughts about food and body bubbling up. I plan to speak with my therapist about it in a couple of weeks. I use Dialectical Behavior Therapy as much as possible to keep myself grounded. It has helped me with other challenges and I think the DBT skills will be super helpful here too. It sounds like you are doing well- and again, I congratulate you for reaching out. Your post made me feel less isolated about some of the emotions I have been experiencing. Disordered eating is no joke. We are all brave people, having survived discrimination, bias and the shame of being overweight. Yay us! Keep on taking care of yourself. XO