well... that was a lot of drama

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I was in a 4 month long relationship earlier this year that meant a little something to me. This is a man my friends thought was awesome, we did lots of outdoorsy things together, he taught me to fish, make beer, we camped and hiked and he rode horses with me - all sorts of stuff like that. My lil dog was always welcome at his house and she adored him.

It ended, from my perspective because he had some weird stuff in his life and his reaction to it indicated not such a great mental stability. I mean, it was clear he was becoming paranoid and a bunch of other strange ideas and thoughts about things and so when his young daughter came to town I conveniently backed away as he was very uncomfortable about her knowing he was dating anyway. It was clearly mutual, so we decided to part ways.

Anyway, I got pissed off because he made a big deal out of parting as friends, but didn't return my call(s) when i had something relevant and somewhat important to discuss with him.... so I thought...okey dokey, doesn't want to remain friends, okay that is how it is. Then, I get an email from POF (I have a hidden profile that I never do anything with) about ultra matches or some stupid thing and there he is with a picture of himself on MY horse. Pissed me off so I asked him to not use the photo of my horse via message. That was immature on my part, but dammit, that was MY horse and it just grated on me when i was having a bad day earlier this week.

That triggered him to call me and we talked for about 45 minutes. I found out that his mental/emotional situation is even worse and the reason (from his perspective) that our relationship ended was because I didn't agree to go to this very important annual awards banquet that his daugher, mother, and many friends were going to be at. I didn't feel comfortable that big deal event being the first place to meet the most important people in his life, especially since by then things were clearly heading down hill, but he interpeted it entirely differently. He interpeted it that if I wasn't going to be #1, I wouldn't play. Wow. I was trying to be respectful of boundaries actually and NOT disrespect these other primary relationships but he read it completely opposite. I distinctly remember explaining why I preferred to not go and wait and see how things went in our relationship (after daughter went home) and maybe meeting her in the fall when she came back which just seemed like a more lowkey way to handle it.

Anyway, we had a peaceful 45 minute call and I guess with some closure in the sense that I really did think we were compatible (except for his paranoid and anti social world views!) and those same attributes were reaffirmed and perhaps amplified. He did finally say that our basic problem is that I love people and want to socialize and go out and he wants to move to the backcountry somewhere and never have to deal with ANYBODY. Yeah, that is true, I would die of loneliness in the godforsaken world he wants to create for himself.

So, in the end, I relented and said ok, use the pic of my horse. I am not jealous, I am just disappointed (as always) that it didn't work out between us. He texted me afterwards and said he was so glad we talked because it clarified in his mind that he really didn't belong on the dating world. While I tend to agree, I NEVER said anything even remotely like that and i don't think he is a lost cause but this goes back to that very negative spin on everything.

It continues to astound me how many sad and lonely souls there are out there. I care for this man because I also saw his many good traits (work ethic, incredible old style skills, jack of all trades kind of thing) but... he is not thinking right.

I dodged that bullet, as the saying goes. Always try to find someone less nuts then you are... and even he admitted that he is in quite an emotional state and has been for at least half a yaer.

Man, I hate drama. Good news is he is unlikely to call again since it was my asking to not use my picture of my horse on his profile and I won't do THAT again. Okay, if he puts up a picture of my cute little dog, that will piss me off but... I will just try to bite my tongue keep it to myself.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - I'm sorry, I see your perspective and I can see a little into his broken soul. I feel for you during this time. Makes me glad I'm going to do pre-couples theoropy with Noel. We both have enough baggage that I thought it was important to learn to communicate deeply early. That doesn't mean we can't, it's just a way to avoid some of the crap we both bring into the relationship from our past. My thought is much cheaper to get this done on the front end than the back end.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I'm sorry this ended for you. It's hard no matter what. Seems like you got out before compatibility issues became a major problem though. Chin up!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@CowgirlJane ...

I'm awed by your good judgment (about the shape he's in) and your decision to break it off.

Not dis'ing him -- just impressed by your good sense.

Deep down, almost everyone is a worthy person. But not everyone is a good match for us.

[Babbs 14,680]

@@CowgirlJane

You have such amazing insight. So much more keen than most. You're going to have to find a guy with an equal amount of insight as you. That's not going to be easy, because like I said, yours is so much better than most peoples!

[Andrew0929 1,101]

@"CowGirlJane"

While I understand your reasons for ending it, I'm still sensing a bond with him. Working through issues during the early stages of a relationship can get very complicated. Meeting family members and especially children is not only awkward but of course sometimes met with resistance.

My prediction is that you guys will hook up again at some point in the future.

[gowalking 10,790]

He sounds a little like husband #2. The paranoid tendencies and wanting to be away from people. I thought it was a quirk..and too late realized it was another reason we were so NOT compatible. Good for you for seeing it and knowing it was a deal breaker.

I agree...lots of damaged goods out there. I was one of them for putting up with alot of crap from guys just to feel loved. Was never love of course and it was one of the many reasons I stayed away from the dating world for such a long time. I worked on other things like being a good mother, having good friends, and making myself healthier. Only then, did I go back to dating...and still I had to have professional help to keep me from making some bad mistakes.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Using as just an example about my not attending that banquet - I explained quite thoroughly why I didn't want to attend, we discussed it and he said he was okay with it. Now, many many months later, he picked up on one fragment of a sentence that was discussed as my "reason". The fragment was that it would be awkard for me to attend with all these people not knowing why I was there since I wasn't going to be his date (it is an annual banquet that he and his family have gone to since we was a small child, fundraiser for hunting related habitat perservation and it is very meaningful and lots of fun for his daughter etc). That was a minor reason compared to the major ones but he twisted it around to me having the attitude that if he couldn't pick me up and arrive as a date, I wouldn't go. i never said that and he knows me well enough to realize I do LOTS of stuff solo and it was not the primary or deciding factor - but he has had 4 months to stew over it and has changed it around to match his world view that "everybody wants something from him that he can't give".

He is a quirky person, and I am too so initially things that seemed a little atypical were okay, even appealing. What I didn't realize until we were several months into things, that he has pretty deeply held set of beliefs that are paranoid and isolationist. We had a 4 hour drive to a remote area to do horse camping with some of my friends an that long drive led to a lot of conversation that was my first inkling of how seriously differently we see other people and the world around us.

One thing he told me last night is that other than his hunting buddies (which he doesn't socialize with outside of hunting) my friends were the only people around (besides than his mother, daughter) who accepted him. He just doesn't fit in around here kind of attitude. Well, there is nothing magical about my friends, right? This is a world view that "nobody understands me" which leads to lots of talks about just disappearing into the wilderness etc., planning to die alone like one of those old hermits, refusing to seek medical care for something that sounds serious to me... There is alot more to this, deeply hurt by his divorce and other life events, but I think it paints the picture

I most definately empathize and understand all that. I still do respect and admire many of his traits...but this falls into "I'd rather be single" than permanently connected to someone who does not feel comfortable in this world, this time.

Of course I didn't ask, but he volunteered why he had put his profile back up - he thought maybe he would meet someone who understood him. He made it very clear that nobody liked him after they met... so lack of success on a dating site provides further evidence that the world is against him.

It is also true that I was deeply disappointed because I thought we maybe, maybe had a chance since there are so many positives and common interests and day to day compatibility, but I won't go back even if that were something he wanted in the future. I don't want to be around someone who is constantly thinking (even if not verbalizing it) how everyone is out to get him.

I ended it by telling him I am concerned and care about and respect him in so many ways. He told me that he appreciated that, and it made him feel good, but he was going to start in drinking for the night. oh.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So, I shouldn't have started this up by my initial contact (drama would have been avoided) but I am glad I did as it feels like considerably clearer closure.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - Do you like (or have you had) "closure" dates? After the dust settles and you realize the relationship isn't working I have enjoyed having lunch to see what went well and what didn't in the dating relationship. It has been interesting to get another's perspective as to what worked, what didn't and any regrets. It obviously doesn't work with everyone (because of drama or tension), but in those cases where there were just compatibility issues, it's nice learning a woman's perspective.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Just a comment re those guys with more problems than us but with whom we "feel a bond":

Those are the truly dangerous ones!

They're the middle-aged and even older versions of the cute, dangerous, boys in high school.

When I was single I was terribly attracted to those rebel, misunderstood, not-boring types -- actors, world adventurers and writers who loved living in Central America, the Himalayas and other exotic locales (I did, too).

But gad, are they NOT relationship material! They're, by their lifestyle, antisocial.

Protip #1: The men who are promising relationship material have actually been in successful relationships in the past.

Protip #2: Men who are normal and were once married to insane women who divorced them are also potential future husband material.

Protip #3: Widowers are great future husband material.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@VSGAnn2014 I agree with your sentiments but it is very difficult to decipher protip 1 & 2 until you have known them for quite a long time. Example, with the person I am describing on this thread - at first his exwife sounded like an awful person. The true facts are she had an affair, divorced him and created a nightmare situation by her behaviors and then moved across the country to chase some guy she met at a national dance competition.

However, I have more context for her "crazy" now and I come to believe she was terrified of him (or perhaps his emotional instability) and many of the things she did were irrational but triggered by that emotion. So, at first he seemed like someone who had a decent relationship, but wife went off the deep end (she really did some insane things) but now... I suspect she was at least partially DRIVEN off that ledge if you know what I mean.

None of us are perfect, relationships don't work out for lots of reasons, but the truth of the matter is that there seem to be alot of damaged people out there. The highly intelligent ones are either really great at accepting and describing their "limits" or very very adept at covering them and making it seem like they are the victim of the crazy EX.

So it goes. Right now I have a punch list of stuff in life to work on so I am doing good not dating.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@CowgirlJane ...

To clarify ...

That wasn't advice directed toward you.

They were general observations.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@VSGAnn2014 Wow I feel lucky I hit pro-tips 1,2 & 3 this time so yeah I married him