Hurt again.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/overcoming-fear-of-abandonment-in-relationships/

[bellabloom 2,467]

Maybe the problem is i'm not dating as this girl

I'm still dating as if I'm this girl

When I was over weight I undervalued myself criticize myself talk down on myself and felt like I was worthless and maybe there's just a part of me that still feels like that is me

[GreenEyes604 753]

@@bellabloom I'm going to say to you the exact same thing that my very best friend in the entire world told me when I was in an absolutely horrible relationship with my ex-husband #2.

She would say to me, "Michelle, I'm not going to tell you what you SHOULD or NEED to do, but what I'm going to do is give you all the information that you need to make an intelligent decision on your own, and when you have had enough, you will do something about it, and not a minute before".

Truer words have never been spoken. Everyone can give you advise on what you need to do, but NO ONE knows what you are dealing with. The only thing they know is what they have gone through, and what they have experienced, and what they did about it. I'm not saying that some situations are not pretty much the same, but how each and everyone of us deals with them is a different story.

From reading all of your posts it may not be clear to you yet, but it is very clear to me that you already know what you need to do. Putting it into action will be the toughest part. But trust me when I say to you that no matter what ANYONE says to you, you will not do anything about it until you have had ENOUGH, and only you will know when that time comes.

I too knew a very long time before I actually did something about it that I need to get out of that relationship. But for me walking away from the relationship would cause me to label myself as a failure, and I didn't want that. The day finally came, just as my best friend had told me, I had endured ENOUGH, and I told him he had to get out and I wanted a divorce that day!

My suggestion at this point to you is to reread everything that you have posted, and then give yourself the same advise that you would give your best friend, your daughter, or anyone else that you loved and cared about. If you are honest with yourself, you already know what your decision needs to be, and the action you need to take. You just haven't reached the point yet where you have HAD ENOUGH!

I pray that you come to a decision that you can live with and is good for you and your children. Just remember this... Is the situation that you are currently in, the one that you want your children to grow up in and believe and replicate, believing that it is how 2 people that love and care about each other are supposed to behave.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Maybe the problem is i'm not dating as this girl

ImageUploadedByBariatricPal1444502260.082293.jpg

I'm still dating as if I'm this girl

ImageUploadedByBariatricPal1444502288.978591.jpg

When I was over weight I undervalued myself criticize myself talk down on myself and felt like I was worthless and maybe there's just a part of me that still feels like that is me

Neither of you deserve to be treated badly by yourself or anyone else.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Somewhere in your posts you stated that you hadnt met any interesting , stable, funny men that you found attractive. Take the time that you're wasting on this guy and use that time to work on building a relationship with somebody who is really important !! YOU !! Once you get yourself straightend out ( a good therapist can help !) you'll be surprised at how many interesting, stable funny men will start showing up in your life ! And he'll be someone who you will want to be involved wth your kids, and you will be showing your kids what a happy, solid relationship really looks like. Cause its definitely NOT with Mr. Loser !! As Ive said in a not too long ago post "Like attracts like, and how you are sometimes treated by others has alot to do with how you present yourself to others. " Something to think about. I wish you well.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

P.S. Oh, and the interesting, stable funny guy ? Yeah, mines sitting in my livng room right now. 32 years and counting.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I've had enough. Ending it tomorrow.

[mskami77 295]

I was in an abusive relationship with an addict(drugs/alcohol) for many years until I had a loaded gun to my head and woke up for my kids. I got out of that relationship and found the man of my dreams. We had our issues but he's loving and kind and I was 300+ pounds and he still loved me for me. We're going on 10 years next week and I'm so glad I walked away from that mess I was with before. There is a better man for you. Don't sell yourself short.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I've had enough. Ending it tomorrow.

I am so, so glad to hear this.

For me, what I see in your situation is that thankfully you have realized how dangerous this relationship is while it is relatively easy to walk away. You aren't living with him, married to him, and/or pregnant.

You are strong enough and worth it enough to choose someone who is good for you and to you. You deserve nothing less.

Praying for you.

[Debbieduck4 399]

Sounds like when he's telling you how sexy and fabulous you are, that feels really amazing and maybe, just maybe its been awhile since you've had someone do that? I don't know... I don't know you, but when we have such conflicted emotions it's generally not really about what's going on right in front of us. It's about something deeper.

You, for instance can plainly tell us that he's boring, narcissistic, an alcoholic, and he's injured you twice now to the point that you've decided to reach out here on this site. I'm so glad you did... But even though you have the evidence right in front of your eyes, you feel conflicted...

That's the "deeper" part... and that part isn't about him. It's about you. Are you worried you won't find anyone else who will tell you how sexy and fabulous you are? Is it that you feel like you've really put your heart and soul into this guy for 5 long months now so don't want to give up? Where did that lesson come from, that you should stay despite it not being positive? See where I'm going... look into yourself.

He has shown you who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them. Now, go find who you are. I'm pretty sure you're going to like who you find. And.. there will be a gazillion other guys out there who will tell you so too.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am glad you are taking care of yourself.

I had something happen in my life that reminds me of this just a little. I have a friend that I have known about 8-10 years. We share the horse hobby. She rode with me when I was so physically limited all i could do was have my horse walk. She rode with me when I was low confidence and felt shame. I felt alot of loyalty to her as she had treated me in a way that I very much appreciated.

So, I lose all this weight, and I can do alot more. I keep riding with her only now we are able to do ALOT more. I borrowed an endurance horse for a summer and she and I did crazy mountain climbing/cliff hanging difficult rides. It was fun, except there were two nagging problems.

Somehow, I had not noticed how darn negative and anxious she is. I don't mean unkind, just a negative, depressed and anxious worldview. As my mental health improved, it really started striking me as a downer. More importantly, her voliatile temper resulted in a volitale horse.

We were on a cliff hanger ride when her hot temper got us in big trouble. I was on the side of a steep edge and she decided to do battle with her horse over something stupid and avoidable, and her horse reared, swung around and bolted and body slammed my horse. I credit that little horse for standing his ground, taking a full hit instead of us going over the side of a cliff.

I was telling that story to a mountain biking friend of mine and he went pale. He said "never ride with her again. She is nuts and put you in danger. Mountain bikers break bones when they wreck, but equestrians DIE." (it is because we are so far off the ground and also the risk of the horse crushing you if they go down.)

I never saw it that way until he said those words. It is like it never even occured to me that I needed to protect myself from somebody else's irrational behavior. I felt so much loyalty to her it took me a long time to think about our whole history... while she was a good friend in the ways I remembered, she also did a lot of stinky things in that time.

It has been a hard to decision to limit my contact, and especially riding with her. One of our mutual friends has come to the same conclusion for somewhat similar reasons.

The point of my story is that sometimes when you are in the middle of a toxic situation, it isn't that obviously. It was the retelling of my "adventure" where my life passed before my eyes that I realized what it was really like. Seeing that made start to see all the other issues that her anxiety and terrible temper had caused. I don't like how she treats her horses, her husband or her friends.

the last straw was when she yelled at me when I was doing something as a favor for her (she is a hothead and just has tantrums when things don't go exactly her way). She apologized later, and all by itself i would have forgiven it, but it was part of a pattern of a person who is kinda messed up.

I deserve better whether I am fat or thin. We all do.

[scubav85 110]

I know what you're going through. I have full custody of my daughter because of the choices my ex made. I have been single almost 3 years now ever since I broke it off with her. I'm fine being a single full time dad. That was a really bad experience with her so I'm in no hurry.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I did it. Sent him a text. I don't think he deserves a phone call.

Here is what I said:

"I'm sorry this is in a text message but I'm not good at putting my thoughts into words when speaking.

There are other things, such as me getting physically hurt around you twice now due to your drinking. That's a big huge deal!!!! I don't feel safe in your company. You really really hurt me twice now.

But what it really comes down to is that whenever I try to talk to you about my life either currently or in the past, you never fail to turn the conversation back to yourself. I feel totally unheard. You don't engage or ask me questions about my life or show interest in really knowing me. You are totally tuned into yourself.

You show no consideration for me. For example keeping the tv on until 2 am when I am clearly tired from working and still choosing to stay with you. Not a partner I want to be with.

And words of love mean nothing without real intimacy or care.

This has bothered me about you since day one. I have been on the fence about being with you for a long time because of these things.

Couple it with your drinking cracking 6am beers and I am just done.

I only wish you well and good luck. But for me it's goodbye."

And that's done. Thank you me. Thank you me and everyone who has written to me!!!! I do have self love.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

So glad to hear. Congratulations!

Now, don't answer when he calls you or texts you.