How can I get my family in my corner?

[Yaberhoo 358]

It's harder for you since you have so much of your life weaved into your extended family's lives - most people don't work in a family business. It isn't fair to you that they are trying to deny you the time off to do this because you had an injury LAST year. I think that the only way to get them in the corner is to do the surgery and wait for them to see your progress as you lose weight.

GET THE SURGERY. Remind yourself that you are doing this for you and your kids. It doesn't matter what the family thinks. You have proven that you can make arrangements to make it work without the family approving. They love you and they are scared at the misconceptions spinning around so they plug their ears and refuse to hear what you have to say. Perhaps it would be beneficial for one or two of them to speak with your surgeon. Choose someone that you feel could be swayed and become your mouthpiece to the rest of the family.

For what it's worth, my mom was scared when I told her I was considering surgery two months ago. Since then, I have done lots of research to answer her questions and concerns. I explained that I joined this group to get information from actual patients, I have joined the Facebook group for the surgery center and have talked to my surgeon, a few nurses, and dozens of current patients for their opinions on everything. I have not told my sisters as they tend to be judgmental and I am not sure they will be supportive. Mom is now as excited as I am about this surgery.

Your family loves you. They will come around eventually, but don't let them stop you from living your life and ensuring you have longer to live.

[Mountaingal 322]

It is far easier to understand your predicament now you have explained about your child care needs. As one who was alone with 4 children I can completely understand that. I am happy for you that you have managed to put other plans in place for your children so that you can become a healthier and happier parent. Perhaps that will also make it clear to your family what this means to you. I hope they make it easier for you to take time off work guilt free, after all last years time off was not by choice. Keep heading in the "losing" direction!

[James Marusek 5,244]

I don't know if you will ever be able to change their minds. Even after the surgery when you achieve significant weight reduction, they may still be very negative towards WLS. You might try and understand their negativity.

My mom was the only family member who was negative. But I understood why. She depended upon me for her care. She was in her 80's and I was the only family member to provide her the lion's share of her care. She did not want any hiccups in that support.

[IncredibleShrinkingMan 437]

I don't think you need to say f-em, and I also don't think you need to worry about bonds being broken. I have had pretty much an even split of support and dissent, and as to the latter, I have simply offered no response. That is the safest thing to do, and I recognize it is not the most satisfying. Progress speaks way louder than words, and I think the proof will be in the pudding for that cohort very soon.

[bikrchk 1,313]

So I didn't have the obnoxiously unsupportive family thing going but clearly some family members really didn't approve, (still don't) but they've kept their mouths shut. Mostly What I did have was my mom who kinda went off the deep end with worry, she tried to research but did it badly, misunderstood and really just needed some education. I took her to my surgeon's office to meet with the nurse coordinator which helped A LOT! She's now my biggest cheerleader! I still have one family member who gives me "looks" when she sees what I leave on my plate or put in my to go box, and I really don't care. The health benefits have been AMAZING and totally worth it! Just saw my doctor for the first time in 8 months today for a UTI and she mentioned how she never has to see me anymore which is TRUE! I used to require almost monthly monitoring for all the meds and weight related health problems. Not anymore!

[Graciesmom04 184]

Don't talk to them about it. I didn't tell anyone. Initially by husband was against it just due to the horror stories he's heard. After going to the meeting with me, he was on board and has been very supportive. This is by far not the easy way out. We can all attest to that.

Put YOU first and do what YOU need to do. They are not the ones who have to deal with health issues when they arise due to your weight.

[Chrystee 838]

I have an aunt and an uncle who both have had WLS and have had amazing long term results. However, the rest of my family is completely against WLS and is being very hurtful towards me in my decision to have it done as well. I won't get into all the details, but basically I have had to reschedule my surgery twice now, because of family members.

Anyway, what can I do to help "bring them to the other side"? I keep hearing that having surgery is not healthy and all this crap and everyone knows (insert some diet) here that will help me. (Nevermind that in the past 30 years I have tried literally every diet known to man- the first diet I went on I was in 5th grade!!!!!)

I also keep hearing the normal things like, "you are taking the easy way out" (lol which is so absurd to me) and things like, "you are making the biggest mistake of your life".

I know it's easy for others to just say, "f-em, you don't need them in your life" but the reality is that they are family and we always have been really close. It is SO hurtful to me that they are not supportive (aside from a few and my aunt and uncle who have previously had surgery). I am just looking for advice from friends and family members here, what is something that was helpful to change your mind and make you realize that it really is a smart decision?

What I would do is not talk about it to those family members. You aren't really going to change their minds until they see the results. You don't need to really broadcast your business.. just go do it, and when they say something good about it later, say oh yea, I had surgery..

If you have any complications or issues at all, they will blame everything on your surgery.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,899]

Put on your big girl panties and talk to them nicely but a little assertive.

Tell them you are going through with this, it is your decision and you want to live a long and healthy life (both physically and mentally) and you are counting on their support of your decision because they love you.

If after this they still give you grief, distance yourself a little from them, they are not supportive and are toxic to your well being.

[Ashlegal 525]

I explained to those with negative comments that WLS was MY tool to lose weight and get healthy. Just like many of them have used Weight Watchers, Atkins, Jenny Craig etc, to lose weight; I am using a tool to help me lose weight.

In the end it is YOUR life, YOUR decision, YOUR health and if you are letting others help make those kinds of decisions, how happy will you ever be?

[Radar 204]

I have an aunt and an uncle who both have had WLS and have had amazing long term results. However, the rest of my family is completely against WLS and is being very hurtful towards me in my decision to have it done as well. I won't get into all the details, but basically I have had to reschedule my surgery twice now, because of family members.

Anyway, what can I do to help "bring them to the other side"? I keep hearing that having surgery is not healthy and all this crap and everyone knows (insert some diet) here that will help me. (Nevermind that in the past 30 years I have tried literally every diet known to man- the first diet I went on I was in 5th grade!!!!!)

I also keep hearing the normal things like, "you are taking the easy way out" (lol which is so absurd to me) and things like, "you are making the biggest mistake of your life".

I know it's easy for others to just say, "f-em, you don't need them in your life" but the reality is that they are family and we always have been really close. It is SO hurtful to me that they are not supportive (aside from a few and my aunt and uncle who have previously had surgery). I am just looking for advice from friends and family members here, what is something that was helpful to change your mind and make you realize that it really is a smart decision?

I have the same problem with some of my friends and family. They told me to man up and just exercise and stop taking the "easy way out". I want to ask them, "Which part of removing 75% of my stomach do you think is easy? The pain? The discomfort? The stress of changing of every aspect of my life? The having to watch every single thing that I put into my mouth? The risk of Vitamin deficiency? The giving up of all of the foods I love? The feeling like an outsider when everyone around me is having fun eating and drinking? The having to relearn my body and how to eat?

I've done very diet known to man, and taken every pill. I've done exercise, and lost 50 or more pounds multiple times only to gain 60 or more back. I'm tired of the roller coaster and I want it to end once and for all.

I have emotional support from a few close friends and family, but most of my support comes from this website. So hang in there man. I'm here if you want to talk. My advice for the difficult family members is to avoid them temporarily until you are done with the process and are losing weight. They can't argue with results.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

I know you love your family, but this sounds like a one-way relationship where YOU are doing all of the accommodating to what they want, and if you have an opinion that they disagree with, there is no support there for you.

Please don't do what I did and wait until you have a stroke. One you have the surgery, the worst is over in just a few days. If you have someone who can help you with the kids for four or five days, you will be out of the woods and on your way to a better quality of life. If someone is unsupportive, just shut them down and tell them that your decision is not up for debate. If they can do without you for ten weeks, they can do without for two.

Stand up for yourself. It looks like no one will. I wish you the best.

[Alex Brecher 10,484]

Dreamable,

I feel for you. It feels terrible to do anything that your family and other loved ones don’t approve of. But you need to do what you need to do. You don’t have to alienate them (don’t say, “Support me or I’ll never talk to you again”), but you do need to do what’s best for you.

Here’s one idea. Identify what you want/need from them in your weight loss journey besides their outright “approval” (which isn’t theirs to give or take away, anyway!). For example, maybe you’d like them to be considerate about your post-op diet by keeping junk food out of the house or letting you eat your own healthy meal instead of forbidden foods at family dinners. Or maybe you wish they’d support a post-op exercise program.

The thing about all of those above ideas is that they’re the exact same as if you were just trying another diet, like they want you to do. So maybe you can just ask for a few specific things (“Can we not keep junk food in the house?”) instead of arguing over whether they approve if your surgery.

A lot of times, it’s just time. If they see you lose weight, get healthier, and be happier, they’ll eventually come around if they love you. If not, you can lose weight, get healthier, and be happier, and just not talk about the WLS with the people who don’t support it.

Good luck!

[Sophie74656 1,572]

I can't for the life of me understand why people think that this is the "easy" way out. If they knew how many doctors I had to see, how many tests I had to endure, how much paperwork I had to fill out, how much money I had to spend in copays and doctors fees, how much stress and anxiety I've had, how uncomfortable I was after surgery, how hard it is not to eat whatever you want...nobody would ever think this was the easy way out

[Chrystee 838]

I have an aunt and an uncle who both have had WLS and have had amazing long term results. However, the rest of my family is completely against WLS and is being very hurtful towards me in my decision to have it done as well. I won't get into all the details, but basically I have had to reschedule my surgery twice now, because of family members.

Anyway, what can I do to help "bring them to the other side"? I keep hearing that having surgery is not healthy and all this crap and everyone knows (insert some diet) here that will help me. (Nevermind that in the past 30 years I have tried literally every diet known to man- the first diet I went on I was in 5th grade!!!!!)

I also keep hearing the normal things like, "you are taking the easy way out" (lol which is so absurd to me) and things like, "you are making the biggest mistake of your life".

I know it's easy for others to just say, "f-em, you don't need them in your life" but the reality is that they are family and we always have been really close. It is SO hurtful to me that they are not supportive (aside from a few and my aunt and uncle who have previously had surgery). I am just looking for advice from friends and family members here, what is something that was helpful to change your mind and make you realize that it really is a smart decision?

I have the same problem with some of my friends and family. They told me to man up and just exercise and stop taking the "easy way out". I want to ask them, "Which part of removing 75% of my stomach do you think is easy? The pain? The discomfort? The stress of changing of every aspect of my life? The having to watch every single thing that I put into my mouth? The risk of Vitamin deficiency? The giving up of all of the foods I love? The feeling like an outsider when everyone around me is having fun eating and drinking? The having to relearn my body and how to eat?

I've done very diet known to man, and taken every pill. I've done exercise, and lost 50 or more pounds multiple times only to gain 60 or more back. I'm tired of the roller coaster and I want it to end once and for all.

I have emotional support from a few close friends and family, but most of my support comes from this website. So hang in there man. I'm here if you want to talk. My advice for the difficult family members is to avoid them temporarily until you are done with the process and are losing weight. They can't argue with results.

I love it.. Man up and exercise. I used to bike 20 miles, do crossfit for an hour ever day, etc.. and still couldn't lose. Sometimes, you just NEED help.

I can't for the life of me understand why people think that this is the "easy" way out. If they knew how many doctors I had to see, how many tests I had to endure, how much paperwork I had to fill out, how much money I had to spend in copays and doctors fees, how much stress and anxiety I've had, how uncomfortable I was after surgery, how hard it is not to eat whatever you want...nobody would ever think this was the easy way out

Because they don't understand it. They don't understand how someone "lets themselves" get to this point to where they need surgery.

[PdxMan 4,292]

I just want to echo what @@Alex Brecher said. Identify the source for your need to have their approval. I'm going to guess this has been a consistent part of your relationship with them, or you have seen it modeled for you by other family members. Working with a therapist is a great option to help you with these and many other aspects of your life.

Talk to them, not your family on this. I have a hard time calling family members family when they won't love and accept me unconditionally.