"BFF" Went MIA...Jealousy?

[devillynn 193]

@@SippedChick Happy late birthday! We share a birthday! too cool! i think it is sad that your family couldn't spare a little joy for your happiness for just a little bit - you can get on here and brag all you want we don't mind at all!

i know all about losing friends - i seem to have misplaced a few of my own along the way this last year....i used to meet some friends for lunch once a week and now they all get together and don't even invite me now - the first few times i went i had a kids meal and bagged up over half of it and i guess they didn't like it or something - and i was very careful not to talk about my surgery and weight loss because it makes me feel self-conscious - so now they changed the place we used to meet and when i showed up to meet the day they weren't there - it really sucked...i still speak to a couple of them but it isn't the same anymore.... their loss. i hope you and your friend can make it work - it is hard to find and keep good friends these days.

[blashlee 509]

She's definitely jealous. "Why don't men talk to me?!" That's your indicator right there.

I don't have any friends that are "jealous" of my weight loss per say, and if they are they're not very open about it like your friend seems to be. However, I have had to deal with a friend who seemed to want to sabotage my efforts until I put her into check. I've been the "fat friend" forever. I've always been heaviest in the bunch, and therefore a non-threat to others. I've always been the friend who's down to go out to eat, or go out for something decadent. I can't be that friend anymore. When I started my WLS journey my friend would constantly want to go out and eat, and usually invited me to places where I couldn't eat anything. She doesn't want to share food with me (my other friends are more than happy to split meals because they know I can't finish anything on my own), and not only will she not share, she doesn't even finish her food! She's also disabled and she's been constantly asking me to make food runs and deliveries for her because I live pretty close by. I finally just had to check her one day. Maybe it was intentional, maybe she's just selfish as all get out, but I had to just let her know that inviting me to restaurants that aren't the healthiest options, asking me to pick up junk food for her, etc are all behaviors that are unsupportive to my weight loss journey.

I don't think you should necessarily confront her unless she says or does anything thats outwardly hurtful or makes any attempts at standing in your way. If that happens, you need to check her and fast. Otherwise, it sounds like she's got a whole of her own soul searching to do. She needs to figure out why she's jealous of you and why she's so insecure, because her insecurities and jealousy aren't YOUR fault. You're just doing your thing to be healthy and happy and if she's your friend, she should be okay with that.

[Chrystee 838]

I think you should just ask her if you have done something to offend her, and tell her that you miss her.. she might feel like you are doing it specifically in her face.. people can be so fickle! If she was used to getting the attention, and then your new bod is now getting it all..

[Chrystee 838]

Ohhh I'm SO GLAD I found this topic. Something along the same lines happened to me this weekend, actually ON my birthday July 3.

No plans had been made for my bday which, sadly, is pretty normal. My aunt wanted to buy a huge cake and my mom asked me about it. I told my mom that I can eat cake, but I break out in a sweat when I eat it so I really don't want cake. Then too, I wouldn't want any leftovers and then my mom and sister and aunts would have to finish it.

Anyway, I didn't know what time my aunt was going to stop by and I was headed out to the gym (got a week pass) and said hello to my aunt. She said I looked good and silly me, I thought that was an invitation to give all the stats.. how many lbs lost, my clothing size.. etc.

Later on that evening, my sister told me that when my aunt came into the house, she said to them,

Was I THAT annoying when I had MY weight loss surgery? And my sister agreed. She said I should stop talking about what size I am, how much weight I lost, what I eat. And my response was just.. Ok. I won't talk about it anymore.

I read stories before I had the surgery how ANGRY people can get when you lose weight. For me it's been painful because a lot of the people I thought supported me were just sitting back watching and waiting for me to fail so they could Celebrate. But something went terribly wrong.. I'm not failing and I've lost a total of 75 lbs since I met with my surgeon. 25 pre op and 50 post op.. and still losing. I'm only 4 months out and I am ON IT. Only about 50 lbs to go to goal.

So I guess I will just keep showing up for visits with my mom, and if they are around, I'll just hide in the guest room or something.. I dunno. I cried today over it. This is the most weight I have ever lost in my life and the smallest I've been in 20 years and I'm supposed to not talk about it? Pretend it's not important or it's not happening?

Ugh...

Oh! Whatever! Your Aunt is being salty for sure!

Don't cry over that! She's just jealous.. What a brat!

[Chrystee 838]

so.. a few years ago.. my BFF sat me down and had a talk.. She was like, girl, you have got to get this weight off.. you need to be there for your child.. your hubby.. i'm so worried about you, etc.. I got ON IT. I was busy.. I got about 30 pounds off, and all of a sudden she was acting really strange.. My friend had been losing weight too, but baby weight.. she had never been fat before that, and she had lost 60 pounds of weight she gained while being pregnant..

So.. THEN it this jealousy came out.. We stopped being friends over it.. It destroyed me. She was upset cause I was working out harder than her.. or posting about it on facebook.. Just being successful.. nevermind that I had over 100 pounds more to lose.. I miss her, but that was ridiculousness.. Everything was a competition with her.. I had a fairly successful marriage, while hers was ending.. everything.. Unbeknownst to me, she was getting bitter. She told me she was getting accolades from getting fit, and I was "stealing her thunder" (what she actually said to me).

Edited July 14, 2015 by Chrystee

[FancyCakes 46]

@@KittyChick just out of curiosity is your friend overweight? I know my friends are used to having me be the overweight friend and they're super happy for me but I'm pretty early in the journey. I don't think my weight loss will cause problems because everyone is finally happy and married etc.

I just thought maybe if your friend was overweight she might feel left behind.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

so.. a few years ago.. my BFF sat me down and had a talk.. She was like, girl, you have got to get this weight off.. you need to be there for your child.. your hubby.. i'm so worried about you, etc.. I got ON IT. I was busy.. I got about 30 pounds off, and all of a sudden she was acting really strange.. My friend had been losing weight too, but baby weight.. she had never been fat before that, and she had lost 60 pounds of weight she gained while being pregnant..So.. THEN it this jealousy came out.. We stopped being friends over it.. It destroyed me. She was upset cause I was working out harder than her.. or posting about it on facebook.. Just being successful.. nevermind that I had over 100 pounds more to lose.. I miss her, but that was ridiculousness.. Everything was a competition with her.. I had a fairly successful marriage, while hers was ending.. everything.. Unbeknownst to me, she was getting bitter. She told me she was getting accolades from getting fit, and I was "stealing her thunder" (what she actually said to me).

That is sad to hear. Some people are truly messed up.

[Chrystee 838]

so.. a few years ago.. my BFF sat me down and had a talk.. She was like, girl, you have got to get this weight off.. you need to be there for your child.. your hubby.. i'm so worried about you, etc.. I got ON IT. I was busy.. I got about 30 pounds off, and all of a sudden she was acting really strange.. My friend had been losing weight too, but baby weight.. she had never been fat before that, and she had lost 60 pounds of weight she gained while being pregnant..So.. THEN it this jealousy came out.. We stopped being friends over it.. It destroyed me. She was upset cause I was working out harder than her.. or posting about it on facebook.. Just being successful.. nevermind that I had over 100 pounds more to lose.. I miss her, but that was ridiculousness.. Everything was a competition with her.. I had a fairly successful marriage, while hers was ending.. everything.. Unbeknownst to me, she was getting bitter. She told me she was getting accolades from getting fit, and I was "stealing her thunder" (what she actually said to me).

That is sad to hear. Some people are truly messed up.

She was my best friend for 16 years.. this happened about 4 years ago.. I still feel pain from it.. It was truly like a nasty bitter divorce..

[Jim in Utah 25]

Friendships go through ups and downs for all kinds of reasons. In this case it may be your weight loss, something else entirely, or a combination of things. It is impossible to know, even if you ask her. Who knows if you will get an honest answer.

I would not spend too much time on it. If she is a true friend, at some point you will work it out.
You need to focus on yourself.

[betrthnever 107]

I'm going through something similar with a once good friend of mine (doesn't have anything to do with weight loss) who accused me of keeping her away from her other friends, keeping her from making other friends, etc. Crazy accusations. The trouble started when I met a man (who is now my fiance). Since my divorce I hadn't dated but she had had several relationships since her divorce (we were actually divorced within a month of each other!) and I had to listen to her go on and on about these guys. And once I found a man she bails on me. I mean the day I was telling her about him, and about how serious we were becoming, she cut ties with me!

Good by and good riddance! Life is too short!!!!

[littleone83 5]

Honey for lack of a better excuse she use to be the pretty one and now you have lost weight and men find you attractive. Now she feels as though she is the ugly duckling.. If you truly value her friendship address her feelings of being the ugly duckling don't ignore it

[lorri716 256]

I pray that this doesn't happen to me. I've been best friends with mine for 27 yrs. She has always been the blonde bombshell that all the guys talked to and I was always the cute fat girl. Now the tables are turning and I'm getting thinner and she's getting bigger. I pray for no jealousy. I'd really hate to lose my best friend.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

Although I know you're hurting from your friends attitude towards you and your weight loss ( Congratulations by the way !) , from your story Im sensing this is not so much about what YOU'VE accomplished, but more of what she HASN'T !!!! Her statement about men not paying as much attention to her as they do you speaks volumes about her own insecurities. She wants what you have, and isn't getting it, so instead of having you around as that constant reminder she's pushing you away so that she can breathe and not have to deal with it. Sad but true. You both may be average sized , but she has no light shining from within, you however, do. Sorry for your lost friendship, but not sorry for the new person you've become . You worked hard to become her , you should be very proud of you !!!

I could not have said this better....

I have said to most people who are contemplating WLS..... Be prepared to lose friends.... As much as a you try, some woman can't handle YOUR changes. You said she is a "normal" size woman. She is one of those that is just envious of you and im sure of others too. But, Men are attracted to woman of confidence. You have it and she does not. Size is not the issue... she is the issue. I would not confront her. If you do you will let her know that you are validating her issues with her self. and she will probably turn it around on you and make you feel bad.... Say nothing... to anyone, not even the other friends. Because, trust me, they are all wagging their tongues....

by the way, you are a stunning woman and im sure men hit on you before... you just didn't see it.