When do you tell him?

[gowalking 10,790]

I'm actively dating but have not 'clicked' with anyone yet. So I think of myself as still window shopping and checking out the merchandise. I've been talking with one man in particular and we've made a connection over the phone. We plan to meet later this coming week. He's told me a couple of times that he's not exactly fit. I can tell that he is concerned because I'm slim and he's not. I have no intention of letting him know I'm banded...not at this early stage. But I wanted him to know that excess pounds are not an issue for me. So I told him I wasn't always as thin as I am now and extra pounds is no concern for me. Problem is...it feels like a sin of omission.

I tried to let him know that attraction for me is all about making a connection...feeling comfortable talking, having things in common, similar interests, laughing at the same things, etc. I don't like to lie but I also don't feel that everything should be out there right away. I wouldn't tell a woman friend I had just met that I was banded so why tell a man who I may be interested in such a personal piece of info either. The question for me is when do I tell him?

Some men I went out with did eventually know of my WLS and it had nothing to do with becoming physical. It just seemed like the right time to bring it up based on the discussions we were having. I have no idea if any of these relationships were potentially impacted because of this or not. I don't think so...but who knows. Besides...if being banded is a problem for some men, better I should know sooner than later.

I just find it hard to know when to talk about it. Or maybe I should just do what I've been doing. Tell when it seems the right time to do so...or keep it to myself because I don't think it's the right time. I'm just concerned about this particular man...because it's obvious he's worried about what I will think of his body and since men are so much more visual than women, he doesn't realize that it's a non-issue for me.

Amazing that I can be cool, calm and collected in all facets of my life except in the dating world. When it comes to men, I revert back to a scared 16 year old again even if it's in a 56 year old somewhat scarred and wrinkled body.

[jennafah 81]

Thank you for sharing this. I never thought of this aspect of wls. I don't think he needs to know right now, at least not until ya'll get really serious anyway. Just reassure him that you're ok with him as he is. If he needs more reassurance than that, direct him to a therapist.

[Weighting2BeFree 164]

I would tell him why its a non issue. I have a friend who was banded when she was 18 ans she lost a lot of weight. Now she is 28 and practically engaged and has never told him and doesn't know how to bring it up. I would think it becomes harder the longer you wait. And if it does impact the relationship then he wasnt worth it anyway.

[GreenEyes604 753]

Why do so many feel like they have to "explain" to someone that you've had WLS? Because we no longer eat like a pig at meals? Because we have some saggy skin?

I am 55 years young, and do not feel like I need to reveal everything that I've done prior to meeting someone, or my entire medical history to someone that I might be dating. So what that you eat very small meals, so what that your skin isn't as tight as it was when you were a teenager.

If this were a procedure that I was thinking about while in a relationship with someone, then yes it would be something that I would want to discuss with them. But when someone comes into your life post surgery, in my opinion all my personal information is on an "as needed to know" basis, and just like many other things in my past, this is something you don't need to know.

Now if you're the type of person that feels that someone you're dating needs to know everything about you in order to know the "real" you, then you'll have to figure out when you tell someone just as you would with anything else that occurred in your past.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I am not quite sure how the band works compared to the sleeve in the sense that I thought you have a port. Is that visible to someone looking? If so then I would say the only time where you may need to tell him is if you all are getting naked with the lights on. I am a sleeve patient and I've had an abdominoplasty, so there is no visual evidence of the procedure I have had and I will never tell anyone that I have had it done. My three best friends know and that is it. Everyone has secrets and it is ok to not share literally everything about you with someone you are dating. I may change my perspective on this if I am ever in a seriously long term relationship, but right now my thoughts are that it is no one's business but mine.

I don't think you should tell him to make him feel at ease. If he is insecure, that is his problem and not something you need to try to correct by telling him personal information. If you want to tell him for your sake, then go for it, but simply to make him feel less insecure at this early stage of the relationship does not sound optimal to me. I will be honest- I don't date men who share how insecure they are in themselves very early on in the relationship because I know it will create issues later. You gotta love yourself before someone else can love you and if you are just starting to see him and you already feel you need to make disclosures that are very personal so that he can feel comfortable, I don't feel like if I was in this situation I would be good with that. Tell him to man up and stop whining- his insecurity is in no way your problem or your issue to fix.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

I heard this from the pulpit a long time ago. "You don't have to lie, but you don't have to tell everything you know. When my gentleman and I met nine years ago, he was (as still is) very tall and lean and a smoker. I was pretty short (5'2") and nearly as round as I was tall and a non-smoker. In all this nine years, he has not asked me to change anything about myself, and I have not asked him to change. He makes me comfortable and he makes me laugh. The subject of my weight never came up until I decided I wanted bariatric surgery.

Personally, if he is bringing up his weight in every conversation, he is clearly insecure about himself. If you don't think he will corrupt you into poor food choices, I would just try to get to know him better. I would not tell him just yet unless he specifically asks you why you eat so little. Then you can tell him that since he asked, here is the plain unvarnished truth. You will know when it is time, because the conversation will just segway nicely into it. I would not just blurt it out.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Everyone of us who has had WLS is of a different mind and opinion, and we need to remember that those who haven't had the surgery is different, as well. What I mean is that if you categorize every date a certain way, you will start to see them as all the same, fitting into a certain "mold", if you will. I like to see the potential of a person before I categorize them, to see where they fit in my life. It would be hard to categorize a person just by talking with them on the phone (or even on the internet...like this website!!!), because there will always be things you can't address unless you are eye-to-eye.

I like to take things one step at a time, revealing WHEN the time is right, IF ever. My theory is this; what harm can it do if I meet with the person, if nothing else, at least I will have a new friend! You will KNOW when the time is right (or not) when to reveal your surgical information. You may feel it is right to do it immediately, you may never tell. You may hint at it.

But just one thing to remember, if he does have a weight issue, and is self-conscious about it (and who of us has never been self-conscious about it at some point?), you may be just the trigger-pull he needs to do something about it, when the possibility of that happening may never have occurred without meeting YOU!

I have been blessed with a husband of 18 years, who married me when I was 58lbs heavier than I am now (he loves me for who I am, not my weight). We tell each other everything, good or bad. It strengthens the relationship. He knows about every aspect of all my surgeries, because he needs to be able to tell medical staff what my history is if anything should happen to me. If he didn't know about my WLS, he couldn't tell them about things like no NG tube, no N-Saids...if I should go unconscious. Why keep it a secret? If I am good with it, he is.

This decision is ultimately yours, and I SINCERELY hope you find someone like mine, you would INDEED be blessed!

[gowalking 10,790]

Thanks for the input everyone. I appreciate all the comments. @@AvaFern, you are indeed correct. As one gets smaller, the port become more obvious. I can hide it under most clothing but it's obvious when I'm naked. It looks like a golf ball under my skin and that's why I know between that and the excess skin, there's no way I can hide it from someone I may be intimate with.

As far as his weight, I don't think he's obsessive about it...I think he's scared that I might be judgmental. Having been morbidly obese myself, who am I to judge?. All I wanted to do was reassure him that looks is not a priority for me though I can see after being on the dating sites for a year, men are attracted to an attractive woman. Doesn't mean they are looking for young chippies, but they are looking for someone who catches their eye. I've gotten many messages from men who tell me how pretty I am. I say thank you and then move on. I'm not so comfortable with being told this at the moment though I am working on the mental aspect of this weight loss journey with a therapist. That though is for another thread..

[Karina150 34]

Personally, I don't think you need to tell him yet. It's too early in the relationship to share those personal things. For me, I haven't even told family members and friends and it's been 2 years! They ask if I have had surgery or what have I been doing to loose the weight and I say, "I had a life style change." Too many people think that WLS is the "easy way out" and I couldn't disagree more as it is a truly a life style change for every day living. I do not want to explain myself to them or feel like they are watching everything I eat with the "She had surgery. Can she eat that?" Your dating partner might feel uncomfortable as you go out to eat if he knew as well since it is early in the relationship. See how it goes at first and your will know if you should share or not. I have shared my experiences with some family and friends whom it felt right to disclose this journey with.

[Bandista 7,466]

You'll know what to do and when. Trust your gut, lol! And go for the humor, remembering to have fun and enjoy yourself. It will be a lucky guy who lands you, Liz, and you'll need a smart and insightful guy who can appreciate you and life in general. Online dating can be so hard as there's none of that non-verbal communication we rely on to "read" some one. You're both brave enough to do that so there's a start. Maybe save the physical inventory for later? Dental records won't be a topic, right?

[Bonawanabfree 280]

I think you should tell them when you are comfortable enough to tell them something personal about yourself. In my past before I met my fiance I would disclose a certain important thing about myself right off the bat just becasue i wanted to weed out the disingenuous men. I dont want to waste my time with someone that wants to look through rose colored glasses. I want someone that is going to accept me warts and all. If they cant then good for me. I have been rejected due to this and yes it hurts but it would hurt more if I started building an emotional bond with someone and then find out they are superficial losers. Good luck and just be you.

[blashlee 509]

Personally, I think if it comes up and you're comfortable with it, go ahead and tell him. If things advance and you wait to tell him, then it may seem like a lie or that you wanted to hide it or are ashamed of it. If someone has a problem with the fact that you've had WLS, would probably be best to know sooner rather than later after you've made an investment of time and emotions.

For me it's not something I advertise, but hiding it makes it seem like it's a "dirty secret" and it isn't.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

I wasn't going to post here, just read along, but this thread has been on my mind. I kept thinking, how is it different from something like breast implants? I would feel no need to tell somebody I'd had breast implants, or corrective dentistry, etc., so why would I feel compelled (and I think I probably would feel it) to bring up my WLS?

I think the difference is that WLS is such a turning point in our emotional lives. At least mine. Before and after. I didn't become my real self until I did it. Until I lost the weight. I was newly thin when I met my husband decades ago. I ended up telling him about my former obesity on our second or third date. I even showed him pictures. He was newly thin himself and had lost about sixty pounds on Weight Watchers right before I met him. I somehow felt like I needed to say all that in order to know if he would truly accept me. "Love me, love my former obese self" (?)

Having said that, and having lived a lot of years since then, would I make that same choice with someone new? I don't know. I don't think so. Not that fast, anyway. My motives back then were to be accepted. I'm trying not to base my self worth on what others choose to accept about me. But a romantic relationship? I don't know.

Good topic.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@blashlee

Very valid point, the "dirty secret" thing! If you can't be open with the one you're most intimate with, who can you be honest with? I know we're only talking about dating someone, but like another poster suggested, if you don't tell about it, they may just be offended at the lack of trust when all this time during dating THEY were being open and honest with you. Might be the "jiggle that drops the kettle"! Worth the risk? Something to think about.....

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Ah, hell no!

@@gowalking ... I think you're on the right track here re your instinct to tell him about your band when and if YOU want to tell him. And you'll know when that moment is right. Trust yourself.

For those here who are blathering on about "dirty secrets," I have news for you: A secret isn't dirty. It's simply something you elect not to tell others and that you have the self-discipline to keep to yourself.

In fact, y'know who's a doofus? Someone who thinks they have a moral obligation to tell everyone everything about themselves without reservation.

SMH.