Unsolicited Online Dating Advice

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Following my divorce I took a year to make sure I was emotionally clean before beginning to date. Two years ago when I was 300 pounds I had some success with Match.com. I took a break from dating following the surgery. I decided to try eHarmony in January. Now that I am 80 pounds lighter I have had even more success. Just being more attractive helps. I think it has done great things for my confidence. Most women in my age/target demographic group are health conscious. They don't want to date a guy who is pre-diabetic.

Many people complain online dating doesn't work, and they feel rejected and ignored. My question is how seriously are you taking the process? Have you invested in high quality pictures to go on your profile? Have you looked at the myriad of resources out there to put together a really good profile? Do you know how many people are visiting the site you are on? (Go to http://www.alexa.com/ and look up the dating site you are interested in. You can find out how many men/women visit per day and other info to see if the numbers are high enough for you to invest your time there).

Speaking of numbers - do you know how many prospective singles are in your area? There are 2368 single women, 40-50 who are employed with college degrees within 25 miles of my house. How do I know? I looked up the census bureau information. Do a little checking and you will find there are sites which will give you a good indication of how many prospective singles there are. One reason why you may not be getting many dates is there are not enough prospects in your area. Just knowing this helps you understand why you are not getting any interest to your profile. The fewer prospects you have, the longer the search will take. It is just a numbers thing. If you have 1000 people, some will be dating and will not be on the market, but then they break up and are back on the market. Be realistic.

Getting dates is just sales and marketing (don't get judgmental; makeup/Spanx/pushup bras are just sales and marketing tools too). Here is a link to one of the best profiles I have ever seen. Back before the internet people used personal ads in newspapers to find dates. This is Gary Halbert's ad: http://www.thegaryha...Personal_Ad.pdf The profile is perfect, it describes him, what he DOESN'T WANT, and then what he wants. Your profile needs to follow the same pattern. A good online dating profile uses direct response marketing principles, but instead of selling a book, you are selling you. Test your profile. Put up different pictures. If one version doesn't work at attracting the people you want to meet, try another. I did three tests versions before I found one that worked well for me.

Women, please don't feel the need to respond to every guy who sends you a note. Online dating is a numbers game. It is a tool to help you get higher quality prospective dates than simple random chance. Be safe. Every state has criminal/court records online. Get to know how to use those tools. Learn to Google someone. It's not creepy, it's just smart. And always insist the first meeting be at a Starbucks during the day (lots of light, lots of exits). Invest 20 minutes in the initial meeting. If there pictures match what you see, then go for a real date.

Another complaint I have heard - everyone is just interested in sex. I don't think that is true, but why is there so much early sex in online dating? Well in my case I am mostly dating people who are divorced. We are used to having sex after going out on a date from our married days, so that makes sense there will be more sex than when we first dated before marriage. The other reason is by the time you actually go out you actually should have gotten to know the other person fairly well online. You get information that would normally take 3 or 4 dates to find out, so physical intimacy seems OK earlier than when you are starting the dating process.

My dating maxims and other unsolicited advise

1) Women (wither they know it or not) always control the pace of a relationship
2) Men will continue to pursue as long as they are interested
3) If they are not pursing, then they are not interested
4) Some element of tension is vital to a growing relationship or it gets flaccid and it keeps everyone on their best behavior
5) It takes six months before all the shields and protections are down to really know someone
6) Biggest danger in online dating -- grass is always greener syndrome. This will keep you from committing to a good person because there may be someone better online.

Enjoy the process. It's not rejection, it's just feedback. It's a numbers game, but be safe, be real and don't be cavalier with people's hearts.

[ajones3300 10]

Thank you! It's nice to read a male's point of view on this subject.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I tried to read that giant profile, but the print was so small I could hardly read it.

I can't imagine a profile that long on any dating site. I've been online dating a long time now, and most profiles are brief and to the point, not book length.

What sites do you recommend? I put in seniorpeoplemeet, ourtime, okcupid and pof.None of them ranked very high. I don't know of any others. I think match.com is more for younger people. I don't think seniors use it as much, but I could be wrong. I live in a rural area and that makes a huge difference.

[JerseyCityGal 231]

If you think Gary's ad is "perfect" .... there are really no words.

He was looking for a hot part-time sex partner in exchange for gifts and vacations.

Mentally healthy people who want an actual relationship want to be able to imagine where they would fit in and be compatible with someone and not be stepping into a plot or role that someone else has written, or in this case literally dictated, for them.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

JerseyCityGal - I should have mentioned that the late Gary Halbert drank a great deal and was convinced he could mentally transport himself as well as other flaws in his character...but what is great about his profile is that YOU would know what he wanted and know to avoid him. Please don't think that I was suggesting using his words, just the design -

• Who you are
• What you don't want
• What you do want

And make it interesting.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

• Oregondaisy - this site may help your search. There are some very good tools to evaluate different sites.

http://www.datingsitesreviews.com/staticpages/index.php?page=Match-com-Statistics-Facts-History

I would also ask your friends (male and female) what sites they use.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Here are some great stats for dating nerds...

The statistical case for dating older women

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-case-for-an-older-woman/

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Women - learn to use dating Apps...

http://www.datingsitesreviews.com/article.php?story=new-report-on-dating-app-trends-reveals-some-surprises

So many guys are using phone apps that women are are vastly outnumbered - which is a good thing if you are a woman and wants more prospects. And this is why I like Match.com, where its "Two girls to every guy."

Remember what John Dillinger said when asked why he robs banks..."because that's where the money is."

[OKCPirate 5,323]

A member of this site asked about starting to date, from the tone of his question, I suspected he wasn't ready. He wanted a loneliness cure, but needy is not attractive.

Jim Rohn said, "its dumb to go to a field and yell 'I need food, give it to me.' No, what you need to do is go the the field with seeds. Never go with your needs, only your seeds."

I dated successfully at 305. I get many more dating opportunities at 222. I am convinced that women have have evolved senses to seek out healthy mates (basic reproductive needs). Even if kids are not the goal, that shapes most of our tastes and attraction. (Read "Why Women Have Sex" by Cindy M. Meston)

But outside appearance aside is what the weight loss did to me on the inside. I took control of my health, which gave me more confidence, and confidence is sexy and attractive to women. So get your head right before you write your profile. Do NOT ever say I'm lonely, want a friend...with online dating its sales. So sell yourself as "I am starting an adventure and there is no turning back, want to join me..." Project lots of confidence and that will be attractive to women.

I have some posts on this site on how to do online dating better. Let me know if you have any questions. Google dating, there are many jerks who have sites about how to sleep with women, but just because their motives are bad, doesn't mean their insights into how to attract women are necessarily wrong. One guy who I find morally repugnant had a great tip...make a goal to approach 25 women a day, and make notes about each one. His point was the only way to get confident is to practice.

One important note...make a list of the qualities that YOU want. Yes you want love, but create a profile of the woman you want in your life. What will she look like, what does she like to do, what is her job, what is her personality, intelligence. Until you do that, you are shooting in the dark. You have to have the confidence to say "look you are a nice person, and you will be a perfect match for someone, but not me."

Confidence is not free. It takes work to get it. But it is a skill that can be developed. You are on a new path, congrats on the weight loss so far, and it will only get better. If you plan and prepare before you act, you will do better.

One other note, you will cope with your feelings of loneliness better IF you have a plan of action. I can do without many things if I have some hope there will be something better down the road.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Single guys who want to attract women need to shower every day...some science of attraction (or avoiding repulsion).

I have read a couple of interesting books relating to relationships...Why Women Have Sex and Sex at Dawn. The sense of smell of women is much more acute in women than men. This is hard wired and is important to reproduction. Women are repelled by men who smell of bacteria because in days of old it meant disease.

It makes sense...before we knew what germs were, women who could smell bad food or bad genes from a potential spouse were successful in passing their gene's forward. Some manifestations today: morning sickness during the first trimester when ever they smell something that potentially harm the baby they puke to get rid of the germs.

It's easy for single guys to vege out and not worry about taking a shower when they aren't going out, but bacteria grows and the smelly residue is noticed unconsciously by women though it is not noticed by guys. In the first few seconds of meeting you a women's brain unconsciously looks for subtle clues to your general health: shoulder to hip ratio, symmetry of the body/face and will notice subtle odors guys can't smell.

Women might not decide to say yes to a date in the first few seconds, but they will make a "no way" decision within the four seconds. Once you get the the "no way" moniker it's tough to overcome it. Give yourself a chance to meet the future Mrs. Right by washing up everyday.

Note - attempts to cover lack of daily showers with Polo or Axe colones work with some, but many women are on to that and are consciously repulsed by those smells.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Yes I find secretly cheating spouses morally repugnant, but for single guys, you might get some real insight of a female's perspective on Ashley Madison.

http://laffaire.info/articles/how-to-get-laid-on-ashley-madison

Any dating site where men out number women means you need to change your tactics and strategy to succeed. She has some great tips that you can use on other sites to attract the women you are interested in on sites like POF or Match.com.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

About older women......When he was a young man, Benjamin Franklin courted much older women past menopause. He said, "In the dark all cats are gray." Franklin also implies that women dry out from the top down, so if she isn't so hot looking, just put a basket over her head!

Here it is in context, in a letter he wrote to an unidentified man younger than he was himself. I copied this from Goodreads.com

Benjamin Franklin > Quotes > Quotable Quote
Benjamin Franklin
“In all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!”


― Benjamin Franklin

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Miss Mac, that is brilliant

[ANewBeginning15 41]

A member of this site asked about starting to date, from the tone of his question, I suspected he wasn't ready. He wanted a loneliness cure, but needy is not attractive.

Jim Rohn said, "its dumb to go to a field and yell 'I need food, give it to me.' No, what you need to do is go the the field with seeds. Never go with your needs, only your seeds."

I dated successfully at 305. I get many more dating opportunities at 222. I am convinced that women have have evolved senses to seek out healthy mates (basic reproductive needs). Even if kids are not the goal, that shapes most of our tastes and attraction. (Read "Why Women Have Sex" by Cindy M. Meston)

But outside appearance aside is what the weight loss did to me on the inside. I took control of my health, which gave me more confidence, and confidence is sexy and attractive to women. So get your head right before you write your profile. Do NOT ever say I'm lonely, want a friend...with online dating its sales. So sell yourself as "I am starting an adventure and there is no turning back, want to join me..." Project lots of confidence and that will be attractive to women.

I have some posts on this site on how to do online dating better. Let me know if you have any questions. Google dating, there are many jerks who have sites about how to sleep with women, but just because their motives are bad, doesn't mean their insights into how to attract women are necessarily wrong. One guy who I find morally repugnant had a great tip...make a goal to approach 25 women a day, and make notes about each one. His point was the only way to get confident is to practice.

One important note...make a list of the qualities that YOU want. Yes you want love, but create a profile of the woman you want in your life. What will she look like, what does she like to do, what is her job, what is her personality, intelligence. Until you do that, you are shooting in the dark. You have to have the confidence to say "look you are a nice person, and you will be a perfect match for someone, but not me."

Confidence is not free. It takes work to get it. But it is a skill that can be developed. You are on a new path, congrats on the weight loss so far, and it will only get better. If you plan and prepare before you act, you will do better.

One other note, you will cope with your feelings of loneliness better IF you have a plan of action. I can do without many things if I have some hope there will be something better down the road.

You are a dating philosopher, good sir?

[OKCPirate 5,323]

• ANewBeginning15, I am serious about four things:

#1 - my kids

#2 - my work (still have the coolest job on the planet)

#3 - regaining my heath via my sleeve given second chance, quality food and exercise

#4 - finding someone to share my blessings with me

All of these are difficult, requiring time and conscious intention. I can wax philosophic on all of these subjects. But all of these are fun and sources of great joy especially when done well. Not many dating philosophers out there who want to enjoy the journey...most of them just want to get into someone's pants...and that is a shallow goal IMHO.