My husband is not attracted to me - 2 weeks post-op

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Steve that is sweet of you to say. Not all men are like that of course and there are toxic women too. I think the deal is tha women are more likely to be socialized to accept abuse as a lousy substitute for love. Do the world a favor and raise daughters and sons to know the difference.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

@@gal friday and @@CowgirlJane my comment was in a moment of passion. It was how I felt as I read her words. I did not read the entire thread otherwise most likely I would have skipped the thread completely and not voiced my feelings of shock.

However I feel that if someone loves you they do not say things that can hurt you so deeply. They can't take it back. It is out there and the result is that you always wonder in the back of your mind the what if's....

I know I would. But I am that kinda gal.

Did not mean to come off calling all the males of the species pricks. They are not....

[gal friday 176]

However I feel that if someone loves you they do not say things that can hurt you so deeply. T

Not intentionally. But it is easy to wound someone we love unintentionally. My husband has never said anything to intentionally hurt me, but I have been hurt by things he has said without realizing the consequences. I have done the same. That's why I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

Now I have read the entire thread. He sure did not say what he meant. And it was not fair of him to say it only two weeks after her surgery.

But relationships have bumps and bruises and ups and downs. What he said and what he meant are worlds apart. But that is not for me to say or judge.....

All the best in your journey hun.......Whatever happens in life remember that you are very important and should and need to do this for you and your health. And the rest is gravy!

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

Not intentionally. But it is easy to wound someone we love unintentionally. My husband has never said anything to intentionally hurt me, but I have been hurt by things he has said without realizing the consequences. I have done the same. That's why I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Yes it is and I have done that myself......You know your hubby best and it is you who understands him best. We all felt your pain at the time. That is all I was doing was giving emotional support to you. I am glad it is all okay now...A slight bump in the road a moment in time!

We all responded as if it were us, as we have all had the same fears as you expressed. We were defending you. Maybe not in the best words but we were there for you.

I am glad all is better!

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Obviously, we have hit on another one of our lovely bariatric hot buttons. Even our religious and cultural up-bringings influenced how we interpret whether an action or comment is abuse or not.

My folks moved a lot and were pillars of whichever church was on the corner. Subsequently, I was trained to be Daddy's submissive little girl and hubby's submissive, tolerant, long-suffering wife. Love was equated with painfully demoralizing harsh discipline. How our pulpits interpret scripture to approve spouses who are vocally and physically aggressive towards each other is beyond me.

I put with with a cheating lothario first husband because I was supposed to stay and pray, even if he brought home STDs and AIDS. Gimme a break. I stayed with a second husband ten years too long because he was too tired, too wound up, too hungry, too full, any excuse he had for belittling me and blaming me for everything uncomfortable to his tiny mind. After he mistook me for a punching bag, he was court ordered to have a psychological examination. He was diagnosed as narcisissistic, schizophrenic, psycho-sociopath. And he kept five loaded guns in the house. There was no more being patient and long-suffering with the inherent differences between men and women. You would not believe the judgemental flack I got from family for having two husbands, two divorces, and now living with a boyfriend in my old age. He treats me gently like the first two should have and is a gift from God.

Good manners are good manners whether you are male or female. All I want the original poster to know is that if he finds her scars unattactive, then she should find his attitude unattractive. Sure, we do not know the whole dynamic of their relationship, and OP I wish you well. All I am suggesting is that if you have any doubts about which way your marriage is headed, remember this Human Resources concept: the one with the most documentation wins.

[ProjectMe 909]

Just read this entire thread...and it reminded me of an activity I would have my Girl Scouts do to help them understand the power of words. They would crumple up a piece of paper, then I would challenge them to make that paper as it was before. Obviously no amount of smoothing would get that paper back the way that it was.

The crumpled paper represents the hurtful words we might say to another. The smoothing over represents the apologies or actions we take to smooth those hurtful words away. The end result is...you simply can't. The paper remembers those wrinkles & creases. Just like someone on the receiving end of hurtful words still feels the pain...even if it becomes just an echo. Imagine that feeling multiplied by the number of times hurtful words are said to a person. What happens to paper as it's crumpled and uncrumpled repeatedly?

Edited March 3, 2015 by ProjectMe

[gourmetone 394]

Wow,Omg and WTF

[beachhippie217 7]

That is horrible!! What a cruel thing to say.

I have to agree, lose the husband. If anything he should be supporting you. I don't get support from my husband, but he hasn't said anything like that. You came to the right place, you definitely need support after something like that. Does your husband like you big?? He may be jealous that you will be losing weight, and other men will be looking at you. Don't let him drag you down. This is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. It is all about you, NOT HIM!!

My husband is insecure. He never had a problem with me being overweight, but I did. I wasn't happy. My husband is scared to death that I will get skinny and leave him for someone else. Maybe your husband feels the same way?? I would tell him that if he can't be supportive then he needs to get the hell out. He may even be setting the stage for cheating on you and using your surgery as an excuse.

He isn't worth having if he is going to say something like that. He should be happy that he is going to have a hot momma wife!!! Does he have any idea how major this surgery is?? He doesn't need to be adding to all the overwhelming emotions you are having already with such a major change in your life. He's a dickhead sweetheart. I would kick his ass for saying something like, but that's just me. F-him what a jerk.

Love yourself more than he does.

[lindawollock 0]

Very very sorry to hear about your story.

I have been married for 14 years and my husband lost interest in me after less then 6 months, I have been "fighting" for sexual attention for almost 14 years now but no lack. I have always been hwp, 127 lbs at 5.3. Fit, athletic, white straight teeth, nice complextion, curvy. But I had breast cancer so I have a scar. So I am not attractive. I accepted, I realize that my sex life is over. Men do not like scars. It is over, you may have to accept this too.

[Swampdoggie 477]

@@lindawollock Why are you with your husband?

[lindawollock 0]

bc I got married and promised to be with the person. that is why.

@@lindawollock Why are you with your husband?

Edited March 3, 2015 by lindawollock

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Scars are not the issue with most men. Some of us have them from skin removal surgery and I haven't heard of a lover really rejecting someone over the scars.

You mentioned you have always been trim, so what brings you to bariatric pal?

Very very sorry to hear about your story.

I have been married for 14 years and my husband lost interest in me after less then 6 months, I have been "fighting" for sexual attention for almost 14 years now but no lack. I have always been hwp, 127 lbs at 5.3. Fit, athletic, white straight teeth, nice complextion, curvy. But I had breast cancer so I have a scar. So I am not attractive. I accepted, I realize that my sex life is over. Men do not like scars. It is over, you may have to accept this too.

[Rovobay 920]

Me, last 2 days....

I am sure it will all work out. some people say things they don't mean, others hear something and interpret their true meaning incorrectly. you said he has been super supportive, so I bet things will work out for you. Lots of emotions recovering from surgery. take care

Edited March 3, 2015 by Rovobay

[lindawollock 0]

@#58

SCARS ARE not issue with most men but are issues with this man. hence the issue. we area all individual.

what brings me to your website? scars! you have weight loss surgery, you will have scars from skin removal due to excessive weight loss. Most men, in my experiences, have HUGE issue with scars. Scars = no sex. however small, hence the post to what to expect. Men want perfect women, slim, NO wrinkles, white straight teeth, blemish free completion, long legs, slim waist. You do not have it? FORGET SEX. again, my humble experience, had it all except small scar and it s over now. I accept.