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I think this whole process is crazy hard on the best of relationships, so if the core isn't strong going in, then there are sure to be mountains that come up. Some people feel that as they start to find themselves they realize that they have 'settled' for way too long and refuse to do so any longer. It's important that you do what you need to do in order to be happy. On that note I agree with your desire to not be that person. I would be very careful in revisiting that relationship when you are feeling so vulnerable and unsure. You admitted that he is married and considering that, I don't recommend putting yourself into a situation that begins with 'behind the scenes', why take a step backwards. As a female in a relationship, put yourself in his wife's shoes. How would you feel if you had a husband and he was going for coffee with someone he wished he had married all those years ago??? Not exactly an empowering life choice :)

Yes I'm working on healthy choices. And I would hate to make a rash decisions. I'm just glad they thinking and actions are two different things

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We're all doing a lot of judging but not much actual talking about this. I think it's a little unfair. It's touchy but let's really open and talk rather than just judge, shame and criticize.

We all? Nope, no judgement here.

I simply stated what I'd do/not do. Just like gay marriage/interracial marriage/inter-faith marriage/plural marriage/kidless marriage/no marriage, what others choose to do as consenting adults has no bearing on me. :)

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It seems by your numerous posts that your dealing with many issues in your life, your mom, your family, your surgery and your husband..weather you know his wife or not, weather you "assume" this would be good for you to have coffee while he has an open relationship with his wife...is not the kind of therapy my therapist would recommend.

I think perhaps YOU are the one that needs to keep going to therapy and work out your issues that obviously are affecting your judgement in regards to your choices, your boyfriend or someone else's husband. I believe your should stop looking for romance or whatever it is your attempting to do with ANYONE and fix yourself and your own mental barriers, don't get me wrong...I am not saying your crazy or whacked...but you definitely have some issues to deal with before you start gallivanting around town with married men.

I'm just looking in from the outside with the information that has been given...but i still stand by my original post...don't lower yourself into thinking this married man is going to leave his wife for you..just because he makes you feel good for a minute. look at the overall picture....would your boyfriend do this to you?? and how would you feel if he did??

Edited by Eclectick

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This isn't directed at any one in particular and is meant as a general comment.

I'm pretty sure she never said he was gonna leave his wife, or that she would even want that.

In fact she stated that she had no intention of doing anything. She had coffee. And was honest about it.

It's clear that many of you haven't ever found yourself living with emotional abuse.

That is a good thing; however, that also means you have no idea what it is like.

Please be kind.

Edited by woo woo

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After losing 200 pounds and having so many "high school" friends try to have lunch, talk, etc. my wife was worried at first but she trusted me and knew that I wanted to let them have a "touch" of just interacting with me after my transformation. "Eat your words" girls I say. Because long time ago you didn't give me a chance and they will never have one - other than lunch post-246558-14223664599277_thumb.jpgpost-246558-14223664799674_thumb.jpg

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I think perhaps YOU are the one that needs to keep going to therapy and work out your issues that obviously are affecting your judgement in regards to your choices,

And this is why I am in therapy. It's funny I did have a session today and was told. Did you do anything inappropriate? Anything to feel guilty about? The answer was no. She told me how she went on a bad blind date and fantasies about shoving a fork in the dates eye. The point is she didn't. Thoughts and actions are two totally different things. ???? yes I have a lot on my plate. But I manage to be honest and forthright. I don't have to say hey I'm going out with a friend who thinks I'm attractive and treats me nice since your an askhole. The point of the post is with the hormonal changes and my lack of wanting to deal with BS how common are the feeling I'm having? I was told today quite common leave off my personal struggles. Just decent relationships and weightloss surgery have a high rate of affairs.

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There are a lot of things that lead people to these places. I'm not in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm loved, supported, cared for... by a husband who is no longer attracted to me because I am smaller. When we married he was upfront about not being at all attracted, and even being turned off, by smaller women. At the time I thought it was great, that I would never take any crap about my weight.

I weigh about 230 now. By any standard that is still pretty big for my height. My husband and I have no anger or bitterness toward each other, he wants me to live and be healthy and we love each other dearly...

I often wonder how long before one of us gives in and starts looking or how long before I have to tell him that I want to because I miss being touched by someone who desires me as I am.

Unraveling these issues is difficult even in the best circumstances. If I seemed to scold maybe I was personalizing Countrygrrl's issues and feeling a little guilty. For that I apologize.

Peace

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I'm old school. I would not have coffee with my high school friend who has mentioned marriage to me in the past. If I had any kind of romantic feelings towards this man or him towards me....again it's a no to coffee. I would not open that door period.

If he were just a friend, I'd have no problem inviting him to my home to be with my family or inviting my husband to join us at coffee.

If I were in an unhappy situation/relationship, I would resolve that relationship first before having coffee with someone from my past.

If something in my life made me feel dirty, such as, by not telling my husband, then that's the Lord telling me, "I'm not right." And "I need to get right."

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@@Countrygrrl My post was not for you to mock me or take the wrong way...your the one that put the information out there, and unfortunately people respond to what they read or the context in which they take it. That doesn't make us right or wrong, it's just an opinion.

And if you can't take someone else's opinion, not being what you want to hear than don't post anything you don't want people to respond negatively about. Perhaps meeting him for coffee was legit, and he and his wife do have an open relationship, but you and your relationship are on the rocks...and then you bring meeting a married man, that can only put ideas or things in peoples head. We can't read your mind and in your post you didn't indicate this was perfectly platonic.

And I tell this now...I don't need a therapist because making those kind of decisions come easy for me. My 25 year old son was murdered 1 year ago this month, and my parents aren't doing good medically so we all have trials and triumphs to face everyday, it's the focus you put towards making right decisions that helps you through issues.

This is a public forum so when you post something without all the facts, and beat around the bush...just be prepared for people to respond both positively and negatively and those that don't tell you what you want to hear...you can't automatically point anger towards them...we are all different with different views.

That's my final response to this thread that probably needs to be deleted since the posted has issues with responses.

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@@Countrygrrl You mentioned a couple of things I want to specifically touch upon. 1) Thoughts and actions are two different things...

I disagree with this statement. I believe our thoughts are just as important as our actions and can even be worst. Kind of like this one time when I bought some of those McDonalds apples. They looked great on the outside, but when I took a bite...found out it was rotten in the inside. Actions begin with just a thought. How we think influences our actions...and over time our thoughts can lead us down some pretty dark and unforgivable paths.

2) Decent relationships and weight loss surgeries have a high rate of affairs.

My response to this is: Only if you let it.

Edited by ProjectMe

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@Countrygrrl My mother passed away 11 years ago and I miss her dearly. I admire your taking care of her in her time of need. It's easy when things are good and a whole other story when your care is not appreciated. But of course you do know that it is the "dementia talking" when the conversations are unpleasant.

Now for the rest of it. In honor of my mother I will give you the response she would have given me: "Get out of this bad relationship!" and "In an open relationship? don't get mixed up with trouble!" So, imagine a short and stout Sicilian with a house dress on, ankle socks, and sneakers waving her arms in front of you and you have it!

All kidding aside, don't bring yourself down with bad relationships, you're worth more than that!

Good Luck.

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Sometimes its hard to be a human, isn't it, with all our complexities and competing drives. There are days I definitely envy my dog.

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That's my final response to this thread that probably needs to be deleted since the posted has issues with responses.

I at no point mocked you. An am quite sorry you read it that way. I respect and asked for responses. Rather I like them or not. I never stated I felt you needed therapy but agreed I did. ????

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@@Countrygrrl My post was not for you to mock me or take the wrong way...your the one that put the information out there, and unfortunately people respond to what they read or the context in which they take it. That doesn't make us right or wrong, it's just an opinion.

And if you can't take someone else's opinion, not being what you want to hear than don't post anything you don't want people to respond negatively about. Perhaps meeting him for coffee was legit, and he and his wife do have an open relationship, but you and your relationship are on the rocks...and then you bring meeting a married man, that can only put ideas or things in peoples head. We can't read your mind and in your post you didn't indicate this was perfectly platonic.

And I tell this now...I don't need a therapist because making those kind of decisions come easy for me. My 25 year old son was murdered 1 year ago this month, and my parents aren't doing good medically so we all have trials and triumphs to face everyday, it's the focus you put towards making right decisions that helps you through issues.

This is a public forum so when you post something without all the facts, and beat around the bush...just be prepared for people to respond both positively and negatively and those that don't tell you what you want to hear...you can't automatically point anger towards them...we are all different with different views.

That's my final response to this thread that probably needs to be deleted since the posted has issues with responses.

I don't think she was mocking you, I think she was quoting you and perhaps the app/website messed up. I don't think she was saying that you specifically needed therapy, but was using what you said as an indicator that she was responding to you. She was agreeing with you, is what I got out of it.

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Sometimes its hard to be a human, isn't it, with all our complexities and competing drives. There are days I definitely envy my dog.

???????? yes!! Lol

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