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Frustrated and worried about husband...



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I am going to follow this thread, too. I am having my surgery on Friday...but am worried about my boyfriend. I weigh 30 lbs less than him right now. He is a foot taller than me...and we are both very overweight.

He said he would do the 2 week pre-op with me, and I have shed 13 lbs so far. He has lost 4. I think he is secretly eating- because anytime we diet together, especially low-carb, weight just melts off the man. He usually loses weight at a rate of 4 lbs per week or more. For him to only lose 4 lbs is really surprising...and he also refuses to talk about it- which is also weird. He is usually really excited and boastful when he loses weight. I haven't been accusatory, but have just asked how he is doing and have been really open (as usual) with my weigh in numbers.

I am really worried that while I am becoming fit and active, and he will stay on the couch :( I worry that it will cause a rift between us because I refuse to stay a couch potato any longer! I want to get out and go walking, hiking, camping, running, kayaking, etc etc etc!!!!

Hopefully my on-going weight loss motivates him, though.

Sigh.

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My partner for many years was not obese but incredible inactive and not fit. It wasn't the reason we split but I would rather be with an overweight but energetic person than a slug at any weight.

It is scary about health concerns though.

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I am extremely worried about my husband's health because:

1. He is only 28, but weighs close to 340 lbs

2. His health is starting to suffer (joint pain, fatigue, severe obstructive sleep apnea)

3. His job and all his hobbies are sedentary

4. Diabetes runs on both sides of his family

5. He is unable to do lightly active stuff like go to festivals because of the standing/walking

I thought last summer would have been a wake up call to him. We went on a family vacation that required a light to moderate amount of walking and even though my husband and I were the youngest people on the trip he was the only one that had to keep stopping. Eventually he ended up having to sit in the car and took a nap until everyone was ready to leave.

Every month or so, I'll try to talk to him about my concerns. I know from experience weight is a touchy subject, so I feel like I'm sensitive about it.

He responds with things like:

1. "I can do it on my own. I've already lost 5 lbs. The Vitamins I get from GNC are helping." (reality: he gains a few lbs, then loses 1 or 2. then regains a few lbs, then loses 1. Weight has gone from 290 to 338 in 2 years)

2. "I can't give up my beer/soda/big portions of food."

3. "You're right, I need to do better. Tell you what, give me <insert random number> months to try it on my own. If I can't do it, then I'll think seriously about WLS."

But nothing changes.

Is there anything else left for me to do?

My hubby is much the same, but won't even consider WLS. After my own WLS I know how absolutely essential my own commitment and buy in and acceptance has been. If one's hubby were to do it in response to even the most loving coaxing or encouragement rather than their own determination, I shudder to think of the many ways one could self-sabotage or go wrong. We've all read posters who eat things not on their plan, who regain, who don't follow doctor's orders, and so on--and if it's this hard for me to avoid those things (and it is!) and I'm still working hard on it every day even after losing 100+ pounds, I can't imagine how lousy this would be if it were something I did to honor my loved one's request instead of my own call to health.

Hang in there with him, love him, be honest about your feelings and concerns, and YES - take out that added insurance as above poster suggested. You still need to take care of you. Good luck to you.

Kate

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Promise him you will never say another word about it if he takes out extra life insurance, because you are going to need it soon.

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I echo what everyone else has said. It won't happen until he's ready. Sounds like he may be depressed over your success and his failure at weight loss. No point in encouraging/nagging him any more because we all know that won't work. So tell him that while you're really worried about his health, you still love him unconditionally (assuming that's true). Then continue to be a shining example of what he *could* be. And don't bring any unhealthy foods into your home. If he wants them, he'll have to go get them himself. Oh, and if you haven't already, start using smaller plates at meal time. Good luck! I'm hoping that once you take the pressure off, he'll figure it out for himself.

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Yes, I relate. My DH doesn't seem to see the seriousness of his weight. I worry about it. I suggested that, in the future, when we go out to eat, that we both decide on one meal. Then I would eat a 1/4 of it, and he would eat the other 3/4. Win, win. I wouldn't have more than my needs, and he would have a reduced portion. He didn't buy in. He couldn't even acknowlege, started spouting off about different variables, etc. etc. REALLY? That frightens me that he is so resistant. Also, since my surgery, he seems to be drinking more beer. Buying enough for both of us, but now drinking it all himself.

I hate that I put my loved ones through this for so long. So, now I can see how it feels.

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