Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Has anyone become single as a result of their weight loss surgery?



Recommended Posts

I'm not in a relationship (thankfully) but I am losing my best friend. She has turned into a painfully polite person at work, but doesn't talk to me like she once did. She had the bypass a decade ago but gained back a lot of weight. She has been working out for the past year and has lost a bit, but when she found out I was going for the surgery she has since started distancing herself from me. It was hurtful at first but now I feel like she was not a real friend in the first place. Hindsight is 20/20 and now I see that there were problems in the friendship that I glossed over because she was my BFF. After the surgery, my life is going to change, and how I pick my friends is also going to change.

Sometimes I wonder why people do the things they do. Why can't she just be happy for your success?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys will get a kick out of this story: I met this guy about 5 years ago, we started off as friends which turned to friends with benefits, while all this was going on..he kept telling me we were just friends....well we did EVERYTHING together including 1.5 yrs later moving in with each other but it only lasted about a year when problems arose with his adult kids (that's another story) but I moved out...we didn't talk to each other for about 6 months I actually was so mad at him for the way things went down, but anyway.. from what I heard, he was miserable after I left but didn't hesitate to have sex with every female he could find, including with the 2 most hated women in my life.

We started talking again, and became "weekend" friends with benefits AGAIN, eventually I was asked to move back in...I hesitated but since I fell so head over heals for him the first time..I couldn't let go. Little did I know, when I moved in..the sex stopped...no kissing, no hugging...nada...so I asked him...um..whats up? He said living together is one thing...he didn't want things to get complicated by having sex since we are just friends. I was like in shock..now that I had given up my apartment to come to this?..I told him, had I known you were going to do this..I wouldn't have moved in...no response from that.

Anyway...I let it go..but we have been living together now a little over 2 years...we do EVERYTHING together, we sleep in the same bed..we go to family outings (both sides) together..he goes to the store and actually thinks of me...he buys me some of my favorite goodies I like....we actually have a friendship that is 100% similar to a marriage, everyone we know...introduces us as boyfriend & girlfriend and he doesn't correct them. .but yet to him..we are just best friends.

He is so supportive of my surgery....and knows that I am so excited about this...being thinner and healthier that I am afraid that when I do lose weight he might start getting closer to me..would I like that? sure since I love him so much..but why wont he admit that we actually have a relationship? Was it my weight preventing him from announcing to everyone he was in a relationship with a fat girl?...is he just a commitment phobe? Or will this be my chance to actually find someone else...who knows.

Kinda weird huh? would love to hear your thoughts on that icky situation!! :blink:

You deserve SO much better than that honey! Keeping him ad a friend is perfectly fine, but move out and find some stud muffin lover! Having a best friend is great. But having a best friend INSTEAD of a loving committed relationship....all the amazing brown chicken brown cow included? Not worth it! Don't let that man close to you post surgery! If you're not getting the goods now, don't let him have them after! He doesn't deserve them!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my humble opinion I think MANY interpersonal relationships change when you have WLS. Family dynamics shift, depending on your place in the family. I have always been the one to support and give of myself to everyone. If I had nothing, I would still try to give. I would be suffering, in pain, yet I was always thinking of others. I had been off over two months from work and had spent 6 days in the hospital, yet in May 2013 I made sure to get to my nephew's wedding. ( Four days after I was released from hospital for a major DVT/PE) I was not perfect, but I tried. Then I decided to have the surgery for ME. As I lost weight I became more and more aware of how certain family members used me, and I put a stop to it. Then there was work. Most of my work associates supported my decision and have praised me for the weight I have lost. One coworker though has always been difficult. She is extremely passive aggressive and difficult to get along with. I put up with her nonsense for over 12 years, biting my tongue. Earlier this year I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let her know in no uncertain terms exactly what I thought of her. It got tense and ugly in the office for a while, but I didn't regret it. The old fat me did everything to keep the peace, don't rock the boat. The new thinner me isn't going to put up with the same BS. I am very over that.

And then there is my "personal" relationships. I will admit 100% I thought it would be easier to find a nice guy to date if I weighed less. I never got asked out on dates at 300 lbs +, I really thought when I became physically more attractive that would change. It has not. I haven't dated more than once or twice since I have lost weight. Yet I have made a change in this area too. I used to be available for "FWB" friendships. The problem was they weren't really friends and the only benefit was mostly for them. They didn't want to hang out. Heck most of the guys I have had "benefits" with over the past 10 years have had significant other women in their lives at the time! No, once again I did things just to have a guy pay attention to me. I believed I was desirable to the men, but the truth be known I was just easy. Well since I have lost weight that has stopped. I no longer have FWB. If I am not good enough for a man to take out on a date, been seen together in a social setting and want to actually spend time with me, I am not good for the other either. I think a lot of overweight people will do this, settle for less than ideal rather than nothing at all. Whether it be getting involved with people who are not the best for you or having intimate relationships that are without a relationship, obese people will put others before themselves. I think with weight loss after surgery we begin to find some confidence. We want better for ourselves. And those who have used us don't always like this change. They accuse us of being different people, that we have "changed"- like it is a bad thing. What has changed is we are learning to love ourselves enough to want better. And yes, it does often lead to changes within our social and familial dynamics.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The psychologist I saw for insurance purposes told me that he has more patients who are the spouses and significant others of weight loss surgery patients than he does weight loss patients and he specializes in patients. He said although the personality rarely changes after surgery, the spouse's personality often changes. They resent the attention the patient is now getting and they start to feel insecure. He advised me to be patient and careful with my boyfriend because it's also an adjustment for him. He's going to get a new girlfriend whether he likes it or not. He said the spouse often doesn't even realize it's happening until they wake up one day and are insecure. It's like you switch roles in the relationship. I'm a single parent and he also gave me good advice on my teenage daughter with the same regard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am single, lost weight, and gained a bunch of wolves sometimes now trying to leech on me. If I wasn't good for them fat, I aint good for them skinny.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was in a committed relationship when I was sleeved and now am not. I don't think it was because of the weight loss directly. It was more like... once the obesity monkey was of my back, i had the energy to realize I wanted more out of life. I wanted a physical and emotional relationship that is loving and caring and fullfilling. i didn't have any of those things and when I asked for it... I was pretty much told he wasn't interested. I made the hard choice to move on so I could live a better life. Pre weight loss, I just didn't have the energy or confidence to imagine a better life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK where do I start my husband and I have been married 10 years now 7 when he got the sleeve done...I was small he was chubby when we got married when he decided to have the sleeve done he was 380lbs yes his head got bigger but he never had a problem thanking he looked It just got worse and yes he was dranking alot yall can't do that do you know why? Y'all thank single and at the moment don't care you are....it not the self esteem issue drinking was mine husband problem....Read up on wls patient and drinking yall literally go crazy, will lose your minds don't think about what you're doing and don't really care about others when you're drinking if it wasn't for our regular dotor telling him what the alcohol was doing to him we would be divorced...now its been a few years later I git the sleeve done but when I first talked to him about getting it done he said why your just gonna leave me...I told him that he better stand beside me I did him and I still loved even what drug me thru...you can see it in his eyes he worries but he has nothing to worry about....Your Marriage is very important, we shouldn't just walk out

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm on the road to a revision, but I had surgery many years ago, and my husband got super jealous. He drank at the time (he doesn't now) and I told him it didn't matter if I were fat or thin, the only reason I would leave him was because of his drinking. We have been married 33 years now. Losing weight DID spice up our married life, if you know what I'm saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This entire thread disturbs me. I've been married for 23 years...we've raised 4 kids together and are now even grandparents together. I love my husband. It breaks my heart to think that the results of my surgery could come between us when so many things that were designed to destroy us, didn't touch us. I have heard that those of us who undergo this life changing procedure change in radical ways, not only physically, but most important, EMOTIONALLY. I don't want to change so much that I cause my husband not to love me anymore. I worry about this.

Edited by Jennifer Rogers

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It does happen though, hence why I started this conversation. It happens a lot.

Counseling does help a lot of times but most men are to proud to go to a counselor. They are someone who can get involved and help you get past the obstacles. I know, I'm there right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@pinkbunies. If you read the responses and other like threads you will see that it was NOT the surgery that causes the relationship to be lost. It was the underlying causes -- communication and lack thereof.

Relationships that had other undealt with issues, complacency in a relationship, having settled for some

I had surgery. My biggest coach /cheerleader/supporter and best friend is my husband of 21 years

He lost weight the old fashioned way and is keeping it off.

His high weight was 230 and today he's at 170. Took him 5 years. We ate, excercise and did everything the same. I gained 20 pounds in that period.

I am his biggest supporter and he is mine

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was in a committed relationship when I was sleeved and now am not. I don't think it was because of the weight loss directly. It was more like... once the obesity monkey was of my back, i had the energy to realize I wanted more out of life. I wanted a physical and emotional relationship that is loving and caring and fullfilling. i didn't have any of those things and when I asked for it... I was pretty much told he wasn't interested. I made the hard choice to move on so I could live a better life. Pre weight loss, I just didn't have the energy or confidence to imagine a better life.

Wow sounds like my life right now. My husband of 13 years has been very cold in that area for around the past 10 years. I am sure it is becuase of my weight. Just wondering was he still not interested after the weight loss?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so glad this thread is here. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but I am at a point where I feel like my health and happiness are just as unimportant to my husband as they are important to me. Biggest fight we ever had in 27 years was today. I'm crying now, and have been all day. He accused me of not ever wanting to do ANYTHING since I decided to have the "weight THING" as he calls it. The day was going great, then he decided he wanted to go to the casino, which we had both decided months ago to not visit again, due to no self control. He will be retired soon, and we will have even less money. I told him I didn't want to go. I have laundry, dinner, dishes, WORK to do. I didn't want to go THERE.(I told him I'd go anywhere but there) So, the fight happened. It got super ugly. Lots of hateful things were said by both of us. I am not going to give up on my dream of health and I am having this surgery whether he likes it or not. I just don't understand. He married me thin. He must have loved me thin once. Why is he dragging me down like this?????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I kinda agree with @@Jersrose43, there r underlying issues in a marriage that may sometimes get amplified when one partner makes a big change.

By having WLS, you have made a wonderful and powerful statement! You are a strong person and want to be healthy, all great things, right?

Well, not always for everyone. Lots of unspoken questions and issues can arise from that decision.

Insecurities, among a myriad of relationship challenges can come Into play.

Picking a fight with you about going to the Casino might not really be what his real issue was, especially if you both already agreed not to go there.

Not everyone has a fairly tale marriage, I certainly don't...

Stay strong and take care of yourself. While you are going through your Weight Loss Journey, it might be wise to start seeing a therapist and work on yourself as a whole. It can help us see things more clearly so we can make better decisions about behavior we are wiling to accept from ourselves and others ????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • Prdgrdma

      So I guess after gastric bypass surgery, I cant eat flock chips because they are fried???  They sell them on here so I thought I could have them. So high in protein and no carbs.  They don't bother me at all.  Help. 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        It's possible for a very high fat meal to cause dumping in some (30% or so) gastric bypass patients, although it's more likely to be triggered by high sugar, or by the high fat/high sugar combo (think ice cream, donuts). Dietitians will tell you to never do anything that isn't 100% healthy ever again. Realistically, you should aim for a good balance of protein, carbs, and fat each day. Should you eat fried foods every day? No. Is it possible they will make you sick? Maybe. Is it okay to eat some to see what happens and have them for a treat every now and again? Yes.

    • NovelTee

      I'm not at all hungry on this liquid pre-op diet, but I miss the sensation of chewing. It's been about two weeks––surgery is in two days––and I can't imagine how I'll feel a couple of weeks post-op. Tonight, I randomly stumbled upon a mukbang channel on YouTube, and it was strangely soothing... is it just me, or is this a thing? 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        I actually watched cooking shows during my pre-op, like Great British Baking Show. It was a little bizarre, but didn't make me hungry. I think it was also soothing in a way.

    • Clueless_girl

      How do you figure out what your ideal weight should be? I've had a figure in my head for years, but after 3 mths of recovery I'm already almost there. So maybe my goal should be lower?
      · 3 replies
      1. NickelChip

        Well, there is actually a formula for "Ideal Body Weight" and you can use a calculator to figure it out for you. This one also does an adjusted weight for a person who starts out overweight or obese. https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/68/ideal-body-weight-adjusted-body-weight

        I would use that as a starting point, and then just see how you feel as you lose. How you look and feel is more important than a number.

      2. Clueless_girl

        I did find different calculators but I couldn't find any that accounted for body frame. But you're right, it is just a number. It was just disheartening to see that although I lost 60% of my excess weight, it's still not in the "normal/healthy" range..

      3. NickelChip

        I think it's important to remember that the weight charts and BMI ranges were developed a very long time ago and only intended to be applied to people who have never been overweight or obese. Those numbers aren't for us. When you are larger, especially for a long time, your body develops extra bone to support the weight. Your organs get a little bigger to handle the extra mass. Your entire infrastructure increases so you can support and function with the extra weight. That doesn't all go away just because you burn off the excess fat. If you still had a pair of jeans from your skinniest point in life and then lost weight to get to the exact number on the scale you were when those jeans fit you, chances are they would be a little baggy now because you would actually be thinner than you were, even though the scale and the BMI chart disagree. When in doubt, listen to the jeans, not the scale!

    • Aunty Mamo

      Tomorrow marks two weeks since surgery day and while I'm feeling remarkably well and going about just about every normal activity, I did wind up with a surface abscess on on of my incision sights and was put on an antibiotic that made me so impacted that it took me more than two hours to eliminate yesterday and scared the hell out of me. Now there's Miralax in all my beverages that aren't Smooth Move tea. I cannot experience that again. I shouldn't have to take Ativan to go to the lady's. I really looking forward to my body getting with the program again. 
      I'm in day three of the "puree" stage of eating and despite the strange textures, all of the savory flavors seem decadent. 
      I timed this surgery so that I'd be recovering during my spring break. That was a good plan. Today is a state holiday and the final day of break. I feel really strong to return to school tomorrow. 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • BeanitoDiego

      Now that I'm in maintenance mode, I'm getting a into a routine for my meals. Every day, I start out with 8-16 ounces of water, and then a proffee, which I have come to look forward to even the night before. My proffees are simply a black coffee with a protein powder added. There are three products that I cycle through: Premier Vanilla, Orgain Vanilla, and Dymatize Vanilla.
      For second breakfast on workdays, I will have a low-fat yogurt with two tablespoons of PBFit and two teaspoons of no sugar added dried cherries. I will have ingested 35-45 grams of protein at this point between the two breakfasts, with 250-285 calories, and about 20 carbs.
      For second breakfast on non-workdays, I will prepare two servings of plain, instant oatmeal with a tablespoon of an olive oil-based spread. This means I will have had 34 grams of protein, 365 calories, and 38 carbs. Non-workdays are when I am being very active with training sessions, so I allow myself more carbohydrate fuel.
      Snacks on any day are always mixed nuts, even when I am travelling. I will have 0.2 cups of a blend that I make myself. It consists of dry roasted peanuts, cashews, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, pistachios, and Brazil nuts. This is 5 grams of protein, 163 calories, and 7 carbs.
      Breakfast and snacks have been the easiest to nail down. Lunch and dinner have more variables, and I prepare enough for leftovers. I concentrate on protein first, and then add vegetables. Typically tempeh, tofu, or Field Roast products with roasted or sautéed vegetables. Today, I will be eating leftovers from last night. Two ounces of tempeh with four ounces of roasted vegetables that consist of red and yellow sweet peppers, sweet potatoes, small purple potatoes, zucchini, and carrots. I will add a tablespoon of olive oil-based spread, break up 3 walnuts to sprinkle of top, and garnish with two tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese. This particular meal will be 19 grams of protein, 377 calories, and 28 grams of carbs. Bear in mind that I do eat more carbs when I am not working, and I focus on ingesting healthy carbs instead of breads/crackers/chips/crisps.
      It's a helluva journey and I'm thankful to be on it!
       
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×