not sure where to post this- husband absolutely does not support wls

[sonjajade 13]

I've been researching and checking into wls for over 3 years now, ever since I realized how much energy it takes to be a parent. In previous years, we couldn't afford it. Seemed like it was always a dream out of reach. Now I have insurance that will cover ALL the costs, and once I started actively pursuing surgery, it's as if my husband has gotten less and less supportive. He says I've never really tried to lose weight on my own (I have), that my weight problem is because I simply don't move enough (which may be true, but I am working on it), and that the sleeve surgery is absolutely a surefire quick path to certain death.

I have to wait 6 months before surgery can be approved, and I've been placed on a 1200 high Protein low carb diet, because if I gain any weight past my original starting weight, the insurance company will not approve (which makes no sense, but okay...). I've already lost 12 pounds after adjusting my eating habits and my husband is convinced if I maintain this new food lifestyle, that I'll be able to lose the weight on my own. Now I just don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice? Should I do the surgery anyway? Should I wait until the end of the 6 months to decide? I'm not really sure at this point and any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

[Pkdvm 175]

Hi, Sonjajade

I too looked into WLS for awhile before finally making the decision to commit- partly because I had insurance that wouldn't cover WLS when I began looking and partly because of other major life events that always required me to put my wishes on the back burner. When I finally decided that it was truly the option for me, nothing was going to stop me- not being in the middle of a nasty divorce, not caring for my beloved mother or special needs daughter, I was finally ready to take care of me, and the sleeve surgery made all the sense in the world to me.

Now I'm almost 3 months out, 50 pounds down and happier than I've been in a long time for a lot of reasons. I'd try to talk to your husband to see what he is truly worried about regarding WLS, research it like crazy(this website is a great tool) and use the 6 months pre op to see if YOU are ready for this major lifestyle change. It has to feel right to you. Good luck no matter what decision you make.

[Beni 1,484]

Please tell your husband a BMI of 57.6 is a sure fire quick path to certain death. He doesn't have to take my word for it. He can ask your doctor.

You are aboard the Titanic (I'm in the same boat by the way) and you are being asked to board one of the life boats floating in the stormy icy waters of the North Atlantic, which will you take? Sorry for being so blunt but a picture sometimes is worth a 1,000 words.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

This is not a numbers game. This is about fighting a disease that is rampant and just now coming out into public view and that is food addiction and the mental, emotional and physically affects of it on a person if left unchecked and untreated.

This is your body and your life and he needs to understand that you are doing this for the entire well being of the family. There are a lot of reasons why a spouse may not support us but we have to push past it and do it for ourselves. And keep the reasons close to our hearts.

It could be fear of so many things. some of which he does not even know at this time. It might be a good idea to take him to your surgeons meetings with you so he can see the reality of it all.

For now you have our support and hopefully your hubby will come around! Wishing you all the best in your future!

[BeagleLover 1,020]

It's your body and your health... full steam ahead!

[TatorTot 44]

I am so sorry that he isn't on board with you. I was reading this wondering if he is afraid he will lose you? Not talking about death but afraid of losing you as a soulmate. He might be afraid all the confidence and self worth you will establish will change things. Also, he may feel he isn't going to be good enough for you. Idk!

[James Marusek 5,244]

You might see if he is willing to attend a monthly bariatric support group meeting with you. They are free and generally there should be one in your area.

[gowalking 10,790]

Yes...engage him in your journey. If he feels like he is part of it, he might be more open to the reasons why you want to go this route. Good luck.

[PuraVida37 715]

I was in your exact position. My husband was convinced I could do it on my own. Yeah. Ok, in 20 years I hadn't, so how one earth was this time gonna be different? Sheesh. He's also the guy who thinks you can lose weight just by exercising harder. Yeah, at 300 lbs it's so easy to run. ha.

But when he saw how serious I was about the pre-surgical diet, he came around. My weight loss has brought a balance to our family and ALL of us has lost weight. We exercise as a family, I'm more energetic than ever before.

But honestly, I was going to get the surgery no matter what he said. I was mentally prepared to get a divorce or separation if it lead to that (glad it didn't!). All I could think of was THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS MY BODY. I ONLY GET ONE. I HAVE TO DO THIS BEFORE I END UP AT A POINT OF NO RETURN.

I definitely agree to have him go to a support group meeting with you. Is he scared? of losing you? of changing how things are now? of him having to change too? or just of the unknown? It can be a scary thing for everyone involved.

[sonjajade 13]

His father was misdiagnosed by a doctor in 2000, which led to him almost dying, losing his ability to walk, having a colostomy bag, dialysis, lots of horrible bad stuff. He doesn't trust medical professionals at all. Both his parents are gone now, and he says he can't handle it if he loses me because I had a very invasive surgical procedure that was my choice to make. Blood clots scare him, the thought of me leaking scares him (doesn't he think these things scare me too??), but I guess he doesn't see the reward at the end. I wanted to take him to the support group meeting but I have a feeling he won't listen to anyone. He says my surgeon is only in 'this rig for the money', likely because of his mistrust of doctors in general. Like, I want to sit him down with his brother and explain everything that's gong to happen so his brother can reassure him that everything will be fine, but if he starts feeling attacked he'll just shut down the idea even more. For now I've been kind of slowing everything down a bit so he's not overwhelmed. And to be honest, I was a little overwhelmed too- so many appointments so quickly! I have to see a cardiologist, have an endoscopy, see my regular doc, see the sleep specialist, the psychologist- and the dentist on top of all that! This week I have 3 appointments alone! I have 6 months to sort everything out, but I think I'm still leaning toward surgery rather than away from it.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I going to take a wild guess and say either he doesnt have a weight problem or a really small weight problem ? Sounds like either possibly ? At 320 lbs exercise may not be an option ( can he move 320 lbs ? Ask him to try it !) , and yes you may lose some weight, but can you keep it off forever ? It's YOUR body and YOUR life, and you only get ONE of those, so do whats best for YOU ! Make the decision in 6 months, but put your health 1st and his opinion 2nd ! Good luck !!

[thesuse2000 698]

My husband was against it too, but didn't try to stop me. He's naturally thin and I think it just seemed unnatural and unnecessarily risky to him. I think he doesn't understand how risky obesity is. And like yours, he thought if I try harder I can do it without surgery. But that is just not realistic for 99% of us!

Maybe if you educate your husband on the realities of longterm weight loss success for morbidly obese people - and the risks of remaining there he might better understand that the risks associated with surgery are much lower than the risks associated with not doing it.

This page has a nice comparison of diets and WLS: http://www.realize.com/education

And here are some educational videos about obesity risks and WLS:http://www.realize.com/education/online-seminar

I hope that you choose what's best for you even if he never truly approves of it. I'm so glad I did!

[BeagleLover 1,020]

@@sonjajade, I suggest going to a Bariatric Center of Excellence. Some insurance companies require people to go to these because the outcomes are better in general.

[F_it 101]

It is your life and body, thats for sure. But i think the issue is that you would want/expect/appreciate/respect your husbands opinion and support, for him to be by your side as you do whats best for your life and your body.

Its not a surprise that he is so concerned after what happened to his father. But if his negative position on the wls is coming from a fear of losing you, i would imagine the best angle to tackle could be to emphasize how staying overweight make the odds worse for him.. And that a wls, while not risk-free, is worth the risk if it means it could be saving your life, prolonging your life, making you feel more alive while you are actually living. Those odds are much better..

But in the meantime, if your current diet is working that is great! Dont let the conflicting emotions get to you. When you say your husband thinks you could lose the weight just with dieting, its almost like you need to NOT lose weight on the diet just to prove you need the wls. But losing weight now is a positive sign that you are in control and aware if what you need, and ready to put in the commitment towards the next step you have chosen for yourself. Good luck :-)

[sonjajade 13]

@@sonjajade, I suggest going to a Bariatric Center of Excellence. Some insurance companies require people to go to these because the outcomes are better in general.

I am, that was one of the reasons I chose this doctor and hospital. I should remind husband of this when we next talk about it.