Weight and Relationships

[Stoler42 19]

Recently I've joined the may who have opted to have gastric sleeve surgery. As I've said previously, at my heaviest, I weighed 525 lbs. I was getting married at this point to boot. I've since become divorced. Recently I've looked back at what went wrong and one of the bigger things on my end was my overall health. I don't bring this up often but I waited for marriage to have sex. When my wedding night came around, I was so large that I couldn't have sex wife my new wife. I can't tell you how devastating it was to be there with the person you love more then anyone and not be able to give yourself up completely to them. My weight although not the main reason was a contributing factor to the end of my marriage.I didn't feel like a man, I just felt like a blob taking up space.

Now that my marriage is over, I kind of want to get back out there. I'm a month out of surgery but there's a very large part of me that doesn't want to start dating until I've lost a decent amount of weight. This may sound vein but I don't think my self esteem has recovered yet. Part of me wonders if I ever will truly feel worthy of real love. Its a hard concept to struggle with. Romantic love is what I want to the most. I thought maybe after surgery people will see me differently and actually notice what I have to offer. I feel like girls' "heavy lifter' ie the one that offers emotional support, friendship and company and then the guy they're actually into comes into play and does all the kissing and hand holding ect. I promise you ladies, I'm a decent guy, maybe even a great guy... I just don't know how to tell you I am.

I have friends losing a ton of weight that are in relationships and even here there's issues. My friend Bob is down 150 lbs since April. His girlfriend who's in the same program we were in hasn't been approved yet and is having doubts that he'll leave her soon. I feel so awful for her and I can image her fear. Weight weather there or not seems to cause so much harm in relationships. Maybe that alone is reason enough to wait. I want to be the best Ken I can be. Maybe instead of looking while being a work in progress I take some time to finish construction so to speak. How about you? How much does weight play in your relationship existing or not?

[MistyAnnMoon829 387]

I am in a similar boat, recently divorced, just starting to put myself out there. I decided to wait until I was more confident and comfortable. Today at only 26 lbs down I feel a lot more confident in my looks and in my body, and unfortunately that is what people see first. I think being more confident has made me feel more beautiful and has improved my interactions with other people. So I suggest you wait until you have that moment of confidence. Regardless of what you weigh that is what will attract people to you.

I'm going to actively start dating because I finally feel pretty good about myself and I feel that I can bring a lot to the table. I'm also going to play the field and date, take the time to see who actually suits me versus jumping into a relationship and finding myself stuck.

Good luck!!! You're going to be happy and in love again one day.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

It's unlikely that love will come knocking on your front door. Here is how (at the age of 55) I found love after being thrown out (divorced) a second time. I took a year off from the relationship scene to get my head together and to find out who I was when no one else is telling me what to do, think. eat, or like. I had to find the true me to be able to present myself correctly in the search for love. I got on Craig's list, back before it was a pimp site, and put an ad in the personals. I told it plainly who I was and what I am and what my baggage was. I even mentioned that I was heavy.

I got 93 responses that I had to filter through. I eliminated those that sounded obviously perverted, those that sent below the belt photos, and those that were just out of high school, and those that seemed uncompatable. I reduced the list to ten and started meeting guys in public places before giving out my address and phone. Sure, I dated a couple of frogs, but gentleman number three came across as dignified and gentle and had many similar interests as I had, and he had been thrown away twice, too.

We have been together over eight years and plan on going into our old age together. He is now 64 and I am just around the corner from 63. He never asked me to change anything (not even my weight) and I have never asked him to change anything (not even his smokig). He is very tall and thin. We look like a pencil and and apple when we are together. He has been supportive of my weight loss surgery, and our love has grown stronger.

So, I have said all of that to say this.......to find someone who will love you for who you are, you have to be bold enough to put yourself out there - as you are. If you join a dating site, definitely mention that you are on a doctor supervised weight loss journey. You will likely get someone who is on that journey also or is at least open-minded about folks in our predicament. I don't think you have to be at your goal weight before you start dating. Just go for it.

[une nouvelle vie 327]

I don't want to be a negative person, but I personally would wait a bit. You're fresh off of surgery and going through SO many changes right now. You're learning to eat all over again and it is really important to get that 100% nailed down before you start adding new stresses.

I think, as someone who was almost 450 pounds, that we don't get to be to the super obese level without having some issues that need to be sorted out. I would encourage you to seek help mentally with as much vigor as you did physically. I am just now exploring this 2 months out of surgery. The surgeon did his work on my stomach to give me a chance and now I have to do some head work to figure out the things to bring me to where I am. Still, that's just me.

Do what you think will ultimately make you happy. I KNOW my weight has a lot to do with my lack of relationship although I really don't think I want one. I've been by myself for so long I honestly don't know if I'd be good at it and truthfully don't crave it.

Best of luck to you.

[Sleevarilla 169]

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story! I'm sure that many people can relate. For me, I can't wait to be able to wear things that aren't "frumpy", I can't wait to feel like the man I'm with is proud to be with me. Once I find a man, that is! Best of luck to you!

[Kmil2009 23]

I can tell you this from personal experience.. I'm 1 yr out from surgery and everything has changed. From my body to my brain. I am now a firm believer in- if you are not happy with yourself all around, you can not make someone else happy. If you can't give 100% hands down to someone, then your not ready. It's not fair to you or them. When my cousin told me that (she's 3 yrs post op) I thought she was crazy.. I'm still me! I won't change. I now call BS on that. It brings to light how you do, think, say things. So, do not get discouraged. You do what best for you and when your ready and the time comes, you will find the right one!