female only I am mad at myself..

[par1959 470]

I have been married for 30 years, raised 3 great kids, have a great job and led a good life. Weight loss surgery has done wonderful things for me. Between the weight loss and stopping drinking I have become awake. And the things they say in the men’s lounge are true, I feel like superman. My wife on the other hand hasn’t wanted intimacy for at least 5 years. Now that I am awake, intimacy is what I crave most. I have talked to the wife about it, but it’s not on the top of her list. I guess the thrill is gone. However, in my mid 50’s I am not going to live the rest of my life without something I crave. Life is just too short. I’m just not sure, how to go about it. I read the stories of dating sites and that sounds scary. Plus I’m still married. For me it’s a confusing mess. I also don’t want to be involved with or create a messy relationship.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, I am single first off.

I do understand your point. There are alot of reasons that people lose interest in intimacy and I completely understand your feeling of wanting more out of life! I am not sure if you are asking for advice, but if this is really the central issue in your marriage, I strongly suggest counseling, or whatever it takes to fix it. The grass is not greener. Being single has many advantages, but does not guarantee by any stretch that you will connect with a cool person that you enjoy. In fact, it is work, people our age have alot of baggage etc.

In truth, people are so afraid of being hurt/.disappointed or whatever - it is often difficult. It is like so many have lost that optimism and willingness to risk hurt... again. I speak to my own experiences, but I also know a couple of other singles in my age range and the issue is universal - finding someone you WANT to be with that is actually open to a meaningful relationship without freaking out on you. I am not putting that just on the guys - the women are the same way - everyone is so afraid of "being wrong again"

Anyway, stay married if you can, that is my advice!

I have been married for 30 years, raised 3 great kids, have a great job and led a good life. Weight loss surgery has done wonderful things for me. Between the weight loss and stopping drinking I have become awake. And the things they say in the men’s lounge are true, I feel like superman. My wife on the other hand hasn’t wanted intimacy for at least 5 years. Now that I am awake, intimacy is what I crave most. I have talked to the wife about it, but it’s not on the top of her list. I guess the thrill is gone. However, in my mid 50’s I am not going to live the rest of my life without something I crave. Life is just too short. I’m just not sure, how to go about it. I read the stories of dating sites and that sounds scary. Plus I’m still married. For me it’s a confusing mess. I also don’t want to be involved with or create a messy relationship.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

@@CowgirlJane, you are one together lady. Way to go!

[snowkitten 371]

I am so so sorry you had that happen to you. Ive dated a few guys who did the same thing. Unfortunately I took the route of continuing to casually date them. I can't say I'd change things if I had the chance because these two guys led me on the path of meeting my current husband but I can tell you I wish I hadn't let it hurt me so bad. My suggestion is to stay friends with him, since you have fun with him after all, and start dating others. You don't have to make any commitment right now. Look for someone who truly admires you and just enjoy yourself.

[bikrchk 1,313]

You're NOT crazy! I feel like I could have written a lot of that myself! Dating just... sucks sometimes! I found a guy I really hit it off with. We are both tech people (we speak the same geek language), he rides, (a bigger bike than mine, which is a plus), he's recently lost 100 pound via Title Boxing so he'd focused on fitness, he's covered in tats, (I know a turn off for most, but a huge turn ON for me!). He told me when he first saw me his jaw dropped because it was so much better than he'd anticipated He was calling a couple of times per week and texting regularly, then it just kinda fizzled. I saw him last week at a local bike nite, (we'd agreed to meet there) and it was going REALLY well, till he let his friends drag him off to the next bar. Not a call or text since. I'm trying to date as many others as I can now, but it's hard because they are NOT him! It's really strange because I typically don't "attach" easily. It's a challenge letting this one go. It's harder when I'm having my morning coffee and I see him and his epic tailgate party group featured on the morning news! #can'tcatchabreak

We deserve to be wanted deeply in every way. Settle for nothing less! Back into the pool! LOL

Edited September 8, 2014 by bikrchk

[MistyAnnMoon829 387]

I think you handled that situation waaaaaaaaaay better than most of us would have. I probably would have let it bug me forever. I'm the type of person that even if we don't have sex I need to feel wanted, even for an intense round of cuddling. Definitely don't put all your eggs in one basket, you're gorgeous and you've worked hard, you deserve to feel wanted.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@bikrchk ... urdoinitrite.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

I'm glad you went without him. That probably sent a message that opened the door for the chat that included how you are so NOT possessive. But, since he was able to manage that conversation and he's fun, I'd keep him around, too!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Yeah we have been doing some hiking together...stuff like that. I don't see it going anywhere and I guess the only downside is it takes up time from dating and looking for an actual boyfriend. I should probably try to arrange a few more first meetings and try again, but I don't relish it... so I seem to be comfortable with my "wanting a relationship" but never quite finding someone...complacent anyway.

[JeanZ_RN 378]

I have been dealing with these same issues recently, and I came across a book that I highly recommend:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Dec 30, 2010)

This is an excellent book for those dating and looking for love and those already in a relationship that is not working and they wonder why not. The authors do a great job explaining attachment theory not only from a scientific perspective but also from a real world perspective with examples.

People basically have one of three attachment styles:

>> Anxious = Often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

>> Avoidant = Equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

>> Secure = Comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

The book is about the frustration people feel in relationships when these types cross. The more an Anxious wants to be close to an Avoidant, the more the Avoidant withdraws, fearful of losing their independence. Most with an Anxious style function fine in all other areas of life then discover they are very anxious in relationships, to their dismay. Anxious types many times confuse the feelings of being anxious with excitement toward a potential partner with an Avoidant style and miss out on people with a Secure style because they perceive them as boring. People with a Secure style tend to soothe and help Anxious types, while Avoidants trigger those with an Anxious style, which can lead to hopeless pursuits and wasted time. Two Avoidants rarely form a relationship because there is nothing to hold it together so they just drift apart.

Through open and honest communication in relationships you should be able to identify if a possible partner is someone who can meet your needs. The book teaches that you always benefit from honest communication because it moves you toward your goal of the right relationship regardless of the outcome.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Par1959 this brings up a topic I have with my clients all the time. Intimacy is how to talk and treat each other and the special connection you have with your significant other. It is not just about having physical sex. Since your surgery you have made a tremendous amount of changes in a very rapid time period. You have been in warp speed and your spouse is still trying to catch up with the changes... Be patient, take here on dates, treat her like a queen and most of all, seek some marital counseling. Wish you luck and sorry for being somewhat blunt......Happy trails my friend and good job on your weight loss......

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So, those of you (and all my friends by the way) who told me I should have just dropped him - not even pursued the becoming friends thing were spot on. We have been hiking (and maybe followed by going out for dinner or wine) weekly; clearly platonic, clearly just friends - but comfortable. i haven't had time to meet new people from the dating site, but had told him I was, I have been going out dancing with the social group I am a member of, and specifically UNinvited this guy to social events that might be perceived as a date....like, we are not an "item" - crystal clear.

Saturday, he felt the need to give me the whole "You are the most intelligent, articulate, fun person I know. I have such a good time with you, and love that we can discuss the universe and I always get new ideas and thoughts from you - but I am just not into you." i point blank asked him why he felt the need to repeatedly reject someone. Screw him, I am done with it - get over yourself dude. I don't think he is open emotionally enough to allow a friend in his life, much less a romantic interest. He claims it is to protect my feelings (like apparently all women fall in love with him and he doesnt' want to hurt them). I call bogus, I think it is simply self defense and he actually cares little about other people's feelings. It is astounding.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,280]

Meh... he sounds like a self righteous narcissist. He's not the one. You will find him, especially now that you have opened up some dating time with him in the past.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

What a self absorbed asshole.

[band2sleeve2014 15]

Wow. This sounds so incredibly familiar it is really scary and kind of sad. Exactly like my last boyfriend and I'm afraid might be like the current one too. Full of complements about how great I am and how I am the real deal and the whole package but at the same time doesn't seem interested in anything real or significant or long term. Not sure why I keep ending up with these guys and not the ones looking for the same thing as me. At least we are not in this alone. Hang in there and let me know if you find the secret to a good man cowgirl.