Specific friend advice needed! Pic included

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Two of my good friends, who know about my surgery, came to a special event of mine the week before last. After that event, I got a number of comments like, "You are so full of surprises!" and "Your transformation is incredible!" and it left me going, "Huh?"

They were "blown away" by my "newfound confidence and poise." I turned this over and over in my head and finally realized, that they had never seen me get up and speak in front of a crowd before. But in fact, this is something I do frequently and I have never had a problem with it. So THEY attributed my "ability" to do this to my weight loss.

I've had conversations with them about this before…that after a few weeks out, my WLS was not the determining factor in my life. But for them, it's possible that my weight was something that they had worried about or commented on and so as they observe me getting thinner, they attribute my comfort level and successes to that entirely.

My point is that we don't always know what's going on in others' heads, in how they perceive us and what their baggage is going into it, even when we've known them a long time. To be clear, they were both aware that I am a performer and lead a couple of nonprofits that require public speaking. It's not like this was dormant and then came out after weight loss. But somehow, THEIR perception of me has been evolving.

Another friend who has known me for longer recently shrugged and said, "I don't see any big change, you know; you just look like yourself again." This is after 50+ pounds. Of course there is a change. But again, it all has to do with her and not with me. And it's also possible that this friend just relates to me more closely and doesn't SEE me so much.

If it were me I would probably let it go unless she threw me a softball (like the friend who lost 10 pounds) again.

[isumomterri 11]

Have you lost a significant amount of weight in the past and gained some/all of it back? If you have lost weight in the past did she say anything then? Did you say anything to her in past like I am eating better, going to lose this weight once and for all, etc? If so she may be wondering why you are not sharing your new "diet" with her.

She may not want to say anything because to her knowledge you are on a diet and if previous attempts at dieting have been failed attempts she may not want you to feel bad if you gain this weight back as well. Also if she feels you are doing this to look good for her wedding she may feel guilty that you feel you have to do it for her. She could just love you for you, not by the size bridesmaid dress you wear. If in the past you have shared your diet strategies or triumphs with her and then said nothing this time she may be taking a cue from you that you don't want to talk about it.

It may be that she doesn't see your weight. I know when I look in the mirror or think of myself I never look as heavy as I do when I see a photo or video of myself.

You guys have been friends for over 20 years you have to know she loves you for you and if she has not acknowledged your weight loss you know there is a reason why. If you dig deep you will find it. You probably know her better than anyone. With that said she probably knows you better than anyone. It could be that you are giving off signals that you are hiding something. I find it very hard to keep anything from my best friend without her knowing something is up, sometimes it's the tone of our voice, the look in our eye or even our body movement. You may be acting different and not even realizing it.

[DesiLoo 3]

You said that you have known her for 20 yrs. When people get that close they can often tell when something has changed. If I had to guess I would say she knows you got the surgery. Maybe she chooses not to say anything because she is hurt that you didn't tell her about it. Just a thought.

[Bandarella 223]

Maybe her remark about another friend losing 10 lb was her opening the door to you sharing with her??? I'd be hurt if my BFF didn't trust me enough to share a huge lifestyle change with me...she's waiting for you to share. One of my BFFs had breast augmentation, didn't tell me. I could tell, but I wasn't going to remark openly to her. I waited till we were alone and told her she looked great. She apologized for not telling me, but wanted it to be no big deal.

Get over the hurt feelings...share your accomplishment (if not your tool) with her. If you're going out to eat with her, she's gotta know something is up.

Edited March 23, 2014 by Bandarella

[mrsto 2,925]

I agree with the above. I could never imagine not sharing something so big with my BF. Though mine never had a weight issue, she understands (me) as much as anyone possibly can.....who doesn't share the disease of obesity. As a matter of fact, she knows me SO well, that she talked me out of having the RNY.....which I was originally scheduled for. We got into some very heated arguments, but she was scared for me. Scared, because she knows my personality so well, and felt strongly that something so permanent would completely freak me out at a later date. I came to the decision to change surgeries on my own, but the reality is.......she was/is absolutely right about my personality. After all, she is by BEST friend, and knows how I function through and through. Aside from my husband, to keep such a big decision from her, is unconscionable. Quite honestly, if she was going to do something life altering & didn't tell me, I'd be deeply hurt and offended.

Edited March 23, 2014 by mrsto

[dreamscometrue 262]

Wait, you saw her three times and sat there and didn't say anything waiting for her to say something? How awkward. Maybe she is sitting there wondering why in the heck you are not saying something. Your friends for goodness sake. I know it is obvious, but you are the one with the news, you should be bringing it up and starting the conversation.

Oh, I've said a few comments over the past few months… Every time we see each other, it's over meals or at social events where everybody is drinking EXCEPT me. So, one of the first times, it was just her and I and we went for sushi… well, she ordered wine and 2 sushi rolls, salad, Soup and edamame. I typically would have ordered 2-3 rolls when her and I used to go for sushi, and this time I just ordered 6 pieces of sashimi (raw fish) and only ate 3 of them and took the rest with me. She would say "is that all you're eating? You aren't going to order a glass of wine?" and I would respond with, "Nope, no alcohol for me because I don't want to drink my calories anymore and I've cut out most carbs so no rice.. just going straight Protein tonight!" Most recently when I saw her about 2 weeks ago, I finally ordered a beer and I said to her "This is the first beer I've drank since your engagement party which was back in October! Been trying to stay away from those carbs!" and her response… "Oh wow, that's a long time." That's it. I gave her every opportunity! I've mentioned how I've been working out every day, getting back into running, going to the gym, eating right, etc… Not a single compliment. Oh, and to the others who have commented, I appreciate the advice! She is definitely not my best friend by any means, she was in high school, but we have definitely drifted apart in terms of closeness. All of my really close friends are extremely supportive of me getting healthier!

[DLCoggin 1,788]

I suspect that this is a much more common occurrence than many folks realize. With some slight variations the same thing happened to me. I can't honestly say that I was hurt or offended, but I did notice the absence of acknowledging what was happening with my weight. I thought then and continue to believe now that people are just not confident in broaching the subject. As other members have pointed out, weight is such a sensitive issue. The last thing that any friend would ever want to do is hurt your feelings and possibly harm the relationship.

Now add to the mix that you did not tell your friend about this life-changing decision. There is little doubt that she has noticed your weight loss. And with all of the publicity that WLS is getting these days, there is little doubt that the idea you may have had WLS has at least crossed her mind. But you made the decision not to tell her. Many make the same decision and it's perfectly understandable. But it's also perfectly understandable that she is not confident in initiating a discussion about such a sensitive subject that you chose not to confide in her about.

I don't think anger or even hurt feelings are necessarily justified here. On your part or your friend's part. For Pete's sake, just sit down with her and share your excitement and either apologize for not telling her or at least help her understand why you didn't. And then get on with being friends and planning that wedding!

Edited March 23, 2014 by DLCoggin

[dreamscometrue 262]

I am one of those people that are sometimes oblivious to changes in others.

For instance, I have a very dear friend whom I see a couple of times per month. She had changed her hair from brunette to dark blond and I 'kinda' noticed something was different but it was in a back-of-my-mind sort of way and I didn't say anything about it. As soon as she pointed it out I was like"Oh Yeah! That's what's different!"

One time she went from straight hair to a drastically new cut...bangs, shorter, different color. The same thing. I just 'kinda' noticed she looked different.

My Mom lost around 40 pounds after being in FL for three months. All I noticed was she looked more tan.

I drive the same route to the grocery store. Have for two years. At some point I noticed that the center of town (a veeery small town) looked different. My daughter pointed out that they had demolished two building side by side weeks before.

At other times I will notice details of things that some may miss. If someone adjusted their landscaping I'll spot it in a minute. A new aspect of interior design/decorating I will notice immediately. I pick up on subtle cues and behaviors of individuals which hint to their psychology.

You should cut her some slack. She is probably preoccupied with her wedding. Maybe her other friend who lost 10lbs pointed the weight loss out to her. Honestly, and I mean no disrespect, but it is classic passive-aggressive behavior when you deliberately do NOT point out something to someone and then become offended when that person doesn't notice.

Just be honest and say to her, "I am so excited to tell you that I've lost XX pounds!". I'm sure she will be happy and excited for you.

I hear what you are saying, and I would think that would be the issue, if I didn't know how judgmental and observant she is about everybody else. This is a person who will text me the minute she notices one little change from somebody we went to high school with if she sees a picture posted on Facebook. Like I said, she is one of the most OBSERVANT people in the world… especially when it comes to physical features on people. I just responded to another person, but I have brought it up SEVERAL times about my new diet, working out, running, gym membership, etc… to the point where I probably need to just shut up. I know I don't need her approval, and I'm celebrating my successes with my closest and dearest friends and family, but what has me so bothered is that knowing my personality where I am very straight-forward and blunt, it's making me question if this is somebody who is a genuine friend. Obviously, that sounds harsh because I don't have all day to list all of the competitive things she has done over the past few years with comments about career, salary, houses, cars, etc… I watch and see how she throws her other friends under the bus all the time and how competitive she is with them. It's one thing to be jealous (wish you had something someone else has) but she is a very envious (I don't have it so I don't want them to have it either) person and it comes across as she is very insecure.

[dreamscometrue 262]

I agree with the above. I could never imagine not sharing something so big with my BF. Though mine never had a weight issue, she understands (me) as much as anyone possibly can.....who doesn't share the disease of obesity. As a matter of fact, she knows me SO well, that she talked me out of having the RNY.....which I was originally scheduled for. We got into some very heated arguments, but she was scared for me. Scared, because she knows my personality so well, and felt strongly that something so permanent would completely freak me out at a later date. I came to the decision to change surgeries on my own, but the reality is.......she was/is absolutely right about my personality. After all, she is by BEST friend, and knows how I function through and through. Aside from my husband, to keep such a big decision from her, is unconscionable. Quite honestly, if she was going to do something life altering & didn't tell me, I'd be deeply hurt and offended.

I completely understand how a BEST FRIEND would be extremely hurt and offended if you didn't tell them, and in all honesty, my BEST FRIEND lives across the country and does know about the surgery… She has been my emotional rock, as I have been for her, for years. I didn't mention that in the beginning because I put her in an entirely different category than just a "friend", which is what this girl is… just a "friend". We used to be much closer, but not really anymore. In fact, I didn't think I was even going to be asked to be in her wedding and was kind of shocked. This girl would be the type of person to get drunk and tell the world about my surgery because that is what she does. I've watched her do it with several of her other friends and i'm not letting that happen to me. You don't give ammo to a person ready to load the gun at any time! It sounds like you have an AWESOME best friend as well!!!

[Frederic 500]

I encourage you to ask yourself why this situation bothers you.

What does it matter if she notices your weight loss? If you guilt her into complimenting you, will it even mean anything? Does your friendship hinge on your relative appearance?

[dreamscometrue 262]

I suspect that this is a much more common occurrence than many folks realize. With some slight variations the same thing happened to me. I can't honestly say that I was not hurt or offended, but I did notice the absence of acknowledging what was happening with my weight. I thought then and continue to believe now that people are just not confident in broaching the subject. As other members have pointed out, weight is such a sensitive issue. The last thing that any friend would ever want to do is hurt your feelings and possibly harm the relationship.

Now add to the mix that you did not tell your friend about this life-changing decision. There is little doubt that she has noticed your weight loss. And with all of the publicity that WLS is getting these days, there is little doubt that the idea you may have had WLS has at least crossed her mind. But you made the decision not to tell her. Many make the same decision and it's perfectly understandable. But it's also perfectly understandable that she is not confident in initiating a discussion about such a sensitive subject that you chose not to confide in her about.

I don't think anger or even hurt feelings are necessarily justified here. On your part or your friend's part. For Pete's sake, just sit down with her and share your excitement and either apologize for not telling her or at least help her understand why you didn't. And then get on with being friends and planning that wedding!

Thank you for the advice!! Trust me, she has been rail thin her entire life… she wouldn't have a CLUE or even possibly think I've had any type of surgery! No way, no how. I promise. Maybe I'm crazy, but who in the world would be sensitive and get offended if a friend said "Oh my gosh, you look great! I can really tell your hard work is paying off!" NOT ME! I would love it and say thank you with a huge smile and then move on! But, where's the fun in that happening?! Hahaha! You're right, I want to address this, not blow up but let her know how I feel, and then get back to the wedding and it being all about her. Her favorite topic in the world! Snarky, I know. Okay, my rant is over!

[dreamscometrue 262]

I encourage you to ask yourself why this situation bothers you.

What does it matter if she notices your weight loss? If you guilt her into complimenting you, will it even mean anything? Does your friendship hinge on your relative appearance?

Yep, it does matter to me and at this point, her compliment won't mean much, but if I'm being true to myself and to our friendship, then I need to let her know that it hurt my feelings and that I have always been her biggest supporter, and I want that same respect back out of my friendships. And yes, it may sound dumb to you, but when she makes it a point to text me to let me know another friend has lost 10 lbs and how great that person looks, it's very obvious that was intentional. Yes, apparently my friendships hinge on my relative appearance. No, of course not. No offense, but you are a guy and guys don't get into stuff like this with their guy friends… it's a girl thing. This is what girls do… Be glad you're not one.

[CrazyJaney 775]

Someone asked why you care. I won't pretend to know but I can image it feels as though she's not happy for you. And at the core of healthy relationships, friendships, partnerships is the believe that people love us and WANT to see us happy. I've have been rich beyond measure with truly good girlfriends and a handful of guy friends that have travelled through my life. I'm 45. I have 2 best girlfriends who have been rocks through my decision. They have picked up kids, babysat, helped out my husband with getting them places while I was on the mend. They wrote me inspiring texts, flowers, fixed meals for my family. They told me how much they loved me. My other 5 best girlfriends (spread out across the country but MY GIRLS nonetheless) are from elementary school. Each if them has been supportive, some more than others. I've told only a few others. Friendships evolve through your 20's, 30's and 40's. I've lost touch with many but my core - the ones who are my rock and I am theirs - I expect them to care. Some friends move to the acquaintance category and that's ok. You will grow, flourish, blossom with this. Look at your beautiful picture!!! You are ready to take on the world! You are young and have so much ahead. A word of advice - let nothing hold you back, including negative feelings or less than supportive friends.. At the core of true friendship is love. If you don't feel the love, I promise you'll find it elsewhere. Move her to the acquaintance category. Don't focus on this person. If I wanted to be mean, I'd say she sounds shallow. Maybe you have too much depth for her now. Go forth and conquer and Celebrate your success! You are beautiful!

[dreamscometrue 262]

Someone asked why you care. I won't pretend to know but I can image it feels as though she's not happy for you. And at the core of healthy relationships, friendships, partnerships is the believe that people love us and WANT to see us happy. I've have been rich beyond measure with truly good girlfriends and a handful of guy friends that have travelled through my life. I'm 45. I have 2 best girlfriends who have been rocks through my decision. They have picked up kids, babysat, helped out my husband with getting them places while I was on the mend. They wrote me inspiring texts, flowers, fixed meals for my family. They told me how much they loved me. My other 5 best girlfriends (spread out across the country but MY GIRLS nonetheless) are from elementary school. Each if them has been supportive, some more than others. I've told only a few others. Friendships evolve through your 20's, 30's and 40's. I've lost touch with many but my core - the ones who are my rock and I am theirs - I expect them to care. Some friends move to the acquaintance category and that's ok. You will grow, flourish, blossom with this. Look at your beautiful picture!!! You are ready to take on the world! You are young and have so much ahead. A word of advice - let nothing hold you back, including negative feelings or less than supportive friends.. At the core of true friendship is love. If you don't feel the love, I promise you'll find it elsewhere. Move her to the acquaintance category. Don't focus on this person. If I wanted to be mean, I'd say she sounds shallow. Maybe you have too much depth for her now. Go forth and conquer and Celebrate your success! You are beautiful!

I cannot begin to tell you how meaningful your post was to me. You nailed it. Exactly. I even got a little teary-eyed reading how much your friendships mean to you because that is exactly how I feel about my closest friends. I would do anything in the world for them. Although I'm only 28, most of my friends are in their 30's-50's and I have been their rock throughout the birth of their children, divorces, new marriages, deaths, new careers, quitting jobs, etc.... And call me crazy, but I expect my friends to be there for me. Very rarely do I need positive reinforcement, but with weight, I'll admit it... I would like some from my friends! It doesn't matter that I haven't told the world about my surgery, that's besides the point... The point is about being supportive to the people who mean the most to you. It sounds like you have a fabulous support system and great life-long friends! I thought I had put this person into the "acquaintance" category and began distancing myself, but then I got asked to be a bridesmaid, so there's that. Thank you again for such an inspiring message to me! It brings a huge smile to my face! Your friends are very lucky to have you!

[CrazyJaney 775]

Sister, I understand! I was a bridesmaid 5 times before I got married. It's what you do when you're in your twenties. You buy dresses you'll never wear again, sometimes for friends who don't stay friends. Your 30's will be about different things. Friends get jealous over babies (those who can't conceive can get jealous), houses (I'm do glad to have moved out of this because whose buying what kind of house and where is exhausting). I can honestly say that in my forties, my friends (and my family) are so very important. But it's truly evolved. You're on a fantastic journey. Remember: The best revenge is a life well lived! Deck yourself out in that bridesmaid dress and have THE best time at that wedding. Happiness is beautiful! I bet you will glow and steal her show!