female only Moms of pre teens, HELP!

[ooffa511 505]

My daughter is going to be 12. She is tall for her age 5'5 and is just about 150lbs. She is beautiful w legs for days. But she is eating like a grown man. Shoves food in her face, sneaks food She is becoming covered in stretch marks.

I don't know how to handle this. I really don't keep a lot of junk in the house. She buys stuff at school or goes to a friends and devours stuff. She talks her grandparents into getting her stuff too

But I'm the bad one. I try to sit w her and explain to her that she is repeating exactly what I did. That she is creating horrible habits and I don't want to see her go down the same road I did. But now she cries and says I hurt her feelings. I don't want to do that, but I don't know how to stop her. Any help would be great. My heart is breaking bc I feel like I am destroying her. I'm not trying to criticize her but she feels I'm being mean. ????

[Recycled 2,182]

Tough love Mom. They don't call it tough love cause it's gonna be easy. But the alternative is worse. Be firm. Good luck.

[BeeLee37 109]

I have a 12 year old son who is overweight. My 17 year old is VERY fit and my 12 year old broke my heart when he told me he wanted to look like his brother. I have taken him to Weight Watchers (when I did it) and he loved the point system idea and would do great in the day (I never did great) but he would still sneak out at night and eat. We also tried cutting carbs, more fruit ect.. My husband and I were talking about therapy or a personal trainer (we were desperate) to get him more active but settled on karate. He started at the beginning of February and goes 4 days a week for 45 minutes each time.

He is such a shy kid and now he is getting more confident and happy. He wants to lose weight so he can get better in class. He wants to be able to do more sit ups and push ups and knows he has to lose more tummy to do it well. It is amazing what a month can do! He stands straighter, talks to strangers more easily and I swear he look slimmer already. Maybe your daughter would like to do something like that. Or a sport in school to keep the focus off of food. I wish you all the luck in the world, there is nothing more painful or heartbreaking than seeing your child struggle and not being able to help. ((HUGS))

[laners777 145]

I am in the same boat as you. I have 15yo who is overweight and fast approaching the "obese" category and I have talked to her about hitting that weight of no return. I know I hurt her feelings too but I only do it because I know the road she is going down because I have walked that road .... which is the same road my own mother walked. It is a vicious cycle that I desperately want to stop with her. I think what I am learning is that the more I talk to her, the more she seems to eat. I am trying a different tactic these days and have asked her to join me in exercise. My thought is we can spend quality time together and maybe she will at least burn some of the calories she is taking in. I don't know if it will work but at least it is a healthy alternative to the cycle of talk/eat/talk/eat. Good luck and know you are not alone in this struggle.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

You have a beautiful young lady and be sure to tell her how beautiful she is. Talk with her about healthy eating and start exercising with her. Try not to criticize her. It is so hard bc all the fast food places are addicting. Weight watchers could also help her and your family. Good luck.

[HappygoSusan 296]

My daughter is going to be 12. She is tall for her age 5'5 and is just about 150lbs. She is beautiful w legs for days. But she is eating like a grown man. Shoves food in her face, sneaks food She is becoming covered in stretch marks.< /p>

I don't know how to handle this. I really don't keep a lot of junk in the house. She buys stuff at school or goes to a friends and devours stuff. She talks her grandparents into getting her stuff too

But I'm the bad one. I try to sit w her and explain to her that she is repeating exactly what I did. That she is creating horrible habits and I don't want to see her go down the same road I did. But now she cries and says I hurt her feelings. I don't want to do that, but I don't know how to stop her. Any help would be great. My heart is breaking bc I feel like I am destroying her. I'm not trying to criticize her but she feels I'm being mean. dde25

---

Anything we say to our daughters sounds like criticism to them. They learn from watching us. We didn't end up overweight because we have a healthy relationship with food. Don't project your food issues on to her. Over the years I have watched my child eat like a horse when she is going through growth spurts and then pick at food at other times. I don't believe that tough love should apply to eating.

My daughter is 13. I have never restricted how much she eats. I do restrict what she eats. No soda, unless we are eating out. And only the child size drink. No refills. I make sure there is fruit and vegetable for her to snack on. I pack her lunch for school. I would never tell her she has to "diet" I don't think she eats as healthy as she should, but I don't want to plant the idea that she should obsess over food like I do. Since I don't think it's healthy for kids to diet, I sign her up for sports classes and take her to the events. She swims twice a week for at least an hour. Right now, she eats as much as she wants and doesn't gain weight. I know this will change as she gets older, so I'm trying to instill the habit of exercise. Food should not be a battle, it is nutrition. Find an activity your daughter enjoys and encourage her to exercise.

[katt1584 46]

I am not a parent but I grew up with a VERY critical mother. She had something to say every time I put food in my mouth and subconsciously this drove me to eat more and more. I was always sneaking food to avoid judgement and I felt like I was always starving because of her restrictions. It always bothered me but I didn't connect the dots on how detrimental to my health her judgements were until I was older. My mom was never overweight and I think that caused a big disconnect in the message she was sending. It's obvious you love your daughter a lot and you have real insight into her struggle. It's touching for me to see how much you want to approach this correctly and I really applaud you on that. I wish my mom was more like that! I'm not too far out of my teens and I always thought how much more active I wish I was then. It might be worth looking into some sports or after school clubs she could get involved in. I wish my mom had supported me playing a sport through school. Maybe have a talk about her interests and be really involved in her exploring some activities. It helps to get the whole family involved so she doesn't feel singled out. Good luck to you! It's not an easy subject but you're doing great by being so careful. She's lucky to have you!

[luckyknickers57 62]

My daughter is going to be 12. She is tall for her age 5'5 and is just about 150lbs. She is beautiful w legs for days. But she is eating like a grown man. Shoves food in her face, sneaks food She is becoming covered in stretch marks. I don't know how to handle this. I really don't keep a lot of junk in the house. She buys stuff at school or goes to a friends and devours stuff. She talks her grandparents into getting her stuff too But I'm the bad one. I try to sit w her and explain to her that she is repeating exactly what I did. That she is creating horrible habits and I don't want to see her go down the same road I did. But now she cries and says I hurt her feelings. I don't want to do that, but I don't know how to stop her. Any help would be great. My heart is breaking bc I feel like I am destroying her. I'm not trying to criticize her but she feels I'm being mean. dde25

I totally agree, no tough love here. We are all here because we overeat and have bad relationships with food. I too have a very slim, very vocal criticising mother. Who never allowed Snacks or treats, so, you go undercover. Do you then think that we are having a treat, or, doing something wrong? Or savouring something that we shouldn't and if found out, suffer the consequences. My mother could not be tougher. She was, and is a violent abusive parent, and it didn't stop me, or my siblings from becoming overweight adults. I'm not suggesting that everyone who is overweight has had an abusive parent, what I am saying is it is tough on the loving parent. There is no easy answer, if there was we wouldn't be here today. I feel for you. When my own daughter started putting weight on in her teenage years we increased her swimming and she then joined a swimming club and swam competitively which helped greatly. She put weight on as an adult each time she had a child. She lost weight and regained, you know the pattern. And last year had a bypass and is now slim, gone back to her swimming, so healthy and starting to allow herself to be happy. Now it's my turn, waiting for my sleeve. Your daughter will find her own way, you can try encouraging her activities, decrease the bad food choices, to guide her towards the better options, and maybe some therapy. But what she needs most is her loving, caring mother, who loves her unconditionally. Keep up the good work. Who said being a parent was easy......

[millergirl314 168]

I'm in the same boat as you guys, my 13 yr old son is on a pathway that'll be hard to change later. He's a good boy. He used to be really bad about stealing food all the time. To the point where there is no Snacks for other kids or us to take to work. He has been getting better about it but the damage is done. Part of it is my fault though. I fix his plate for dinner so he eats what I give him. Thankfully I have changed that awhile back. If he asks for seconds on the Protein or salads ( we have salads a lot) then I'll let him. No seconds on breads though. If he is still hungry I tell him to have a glass of Water.

Unfortunately poor eating habits were practiced in the past but we are all trying to make smarter choices now. I love my kids and I don't want they to grow up obese and unhappy with my body like me.

[ooffa511 505]

Thank you to everyone's response. I feel very badly for you guys who were criticized. That has to be a horrible feeling

My mom showed me really poor habits and I know I have shown poor habits to my daughter. We are definitely working on it. I feel very lucky I can sit and talk w her and she listens. I also am able to apologize to her when I know I was wrong in saying something.

This weight battle is never ending on so many levels

[BlondeBanshee 91]

Can you get her involved in meal planning and food preparation? Education about nutrition and having to prepare healthy foods together can be something she may like. If not finding an activity she likes, whether its together or on her own. She may need to talk and feel safe doing it, she could be bingeing because she does not have the tools to deal with her emotions. Being a teenager can be so difficult. Help her find her passion. Good luck!

[Scylla 106]

I have a 12 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. My son is very active and plays hockey. My daughter is not-so-active and struggles with her weight. She is acutely aware of her weight and is trying to make changes and get more active, but finds it difficult in the winter.

The best thing you can do is to continue to show her the importance of good eating habits, Portion Control (even if the habits she learned before were bad) and encourage her to exercise. She will (hopefully) pick up on your healthy habits. Maybe you can even exercise together, like take a Zumba class or something fun?

[7 Bites_Jen 479]

I JUST wrote an article about this right before I saw this post! We've had to lay down some pretty heavy ground rules with my daughter (10). She fought it for a while but when she realized these things were NOT negotiable, she gave in. I had to also talk to her school and let them know she is on a very strict diet (Dr. ordered) and that she is to only eat what I send her. While I can't guarantee that she isn't getting anything at school, one or two things at school aren't the end of the world. You also need to talk to her friends parents and explain the situation to them. Also talk to YOUR family and explain it to them. If they can't be supportive of what you're trying to do, you'll have to limit visitation with them.

It is a HARD struggle, but you HAVE to be strong and remember first and foremost YOU ARE HER PARENT. Not her friends' parents. Not your family. Not the school. Stick to your guns and stay true and if you have to, get a doctor's note. Be loving and supportive too!

[Scylla 106]

7 Bites Jen, I'm surprised that your daughter's pediatrician ordered a strict diet at such a young age!

I applaud what you are trying to do for your daughter and her health! Your mileage may vary, but I can tell you that from my experience with my own mom a restrictive diet and severe ground rules about food at such a young age had the opposite effect on me. It caused me to want to rebel against her restrictions and eat the forbidden foods whenever I could get away with it. And, boy, did I!

[7 Bites_Jen 479]

7 Bites Jen, I'm surprised that your daughter's pediatrician ordered a strict diet at such a young age!

I applaud what you are trying to do for your daughter and her health! Your mileage may vary, but I can tell you that from my experience with my own mom a restrictive diet and severe ground rules about food at such a young age had the opposite effect on me. It caused me to want to rebel against her restrictions and eat the forbidden foods whenever I could get away with it. And, boy, did I!

It was actually her endocrinologist that ordered it - we've been going through some serious blood work for her so we've been told to eliminate everything except whole foods (meats, veg, fruits, dairy) from her diet for now. The hardest thing is when people "feel sorry" for her and try to give her things anyway. If it hadn't been for the doctor telling us to do these things, I probably wouldn't either just because it goes a teeny bit against my parenting philosophy. But I also know that my daughter's health is at stake and she's gotten to a point NOW where she's beginning to understand more. I do try to encourage her and support her positively rather than focus on the negative, and I think that's helped a lot.