Coming Out of the Weight Loss Surgery Closet: What, Whether, Why, and How

[Alex Brecher 10,484]

As a weight loss surgery patient, you have to decide whether to tell others about your weight loss surgery. Should you come out of the “weight loss surgery closet” and tell others about your weight loss surgery? Whom should you tell? What should you say? How much should you talk about?

There’s no single right answer to these questions. The right thing for you to do is whatever makes you most comfortable.

• Some people tell everyone everything. They want to share their experiences to try to help others, to get people to understand what they are going through, and to show that they are proud of their actions towards a healthier lifestyle.
  
• Some people tell their closest family members and friends most things, and tell more distant acquaintances only the basics or nothing. They might think of weight loss surgery as a medical issue that you don’t talk about in public indiscriminately.
  
• Some people tell others on a “need to know” basis. People who “need to know” are often household members and close friends. Other people whom you feel “need to know” may be individuals who themselves are fighting with obesity and therefore might benefit from hearing your story.
  
• Some people keep it as quiet as possible. They feel that the only reaction they’ll get is a negative one; that uninformed people will judge them for “taking the easy way out;” and that they’ll just feel bad about themselves.
  

Getting Rid of Society’s Weight Loss Surgery Stigma

Imagine that you, a weight loss surgery patient named “Jane,” are part of the following conversation.

Person A: Hi, guys! Great to see you! How are you?

Person B: Hey! I’m doing well, thanks. How are you? Have you been able to get any help for your depression?

Person A: Yes, thanks! I’ve found a great therapist and been on some medications, and they’re really helping. How about your diabetes? How has your blood sugar been?

Person B: Oh, it’s okay. I’m taking my meds and really watching my carbs. Most days, my blood sugar is right in range. How are you doing, Jane?

You (Jane): Oh, fine, thanks. You know, same old. Work is good, and the family is doing well, so can’t complain.

The conversation is okay, but shouldn’t you be able to feel just as comfortable talking about your weight loss surgery and new lifestyle as your friends do talking about their mental health and treatment, and their diabetes medications and diet? Nobody bats an eyelash when discussing prescription medications, mental health, and diets. Wouldn’t it be refreshing for a conversation that goes more like the following to be the norm?

Person A: Hi, guys! Great to see you! How are you?

Person B: Hey! I’m doing well, thanks. How are you? Have you been able to get any help for your depression?

Person A: Yes, thanks! I’ve found a great therapist and been on some medications, and they’re really helping. How about your diabetes? How has your blood sugar been?

Person B: Oh, it’s okay. I’m taking my meds and really watching my carbs. Most days, my blood sugar is right in range. How are you doing, Jane?

You (Jane): Great, thanks! The gastric bypass surgery three months ago was pretty rough, but things are on the right track now. I’ve been super careful with my diet, and I think I will finally be able to lose a little weight!

How can weight loss surgery become part of the mainstream conversation? How can we reduce the stigma surrounding obesity and weight loss surgery, just like we have thankfully made a lot of progress reducing the stigma surrounding cancer, mental disorders, HIV/AIDS, and many, many other diseases.

Why does the stigma around obesity – and particularly weight loss surgery – remain? Among the many possible reasons is the lack of information. Most people don’t know:

• How many times you have tried and failed to lose the weight long-term.
  
• What weight loss surgery is, and the number of different kinds there are.
  
• That the surgery itself does not make you instantly lose weight.
  
• How hard you have to work to lose weight after surgery by following a very careful and restricted diet.
  

Coming out of the weight loss surgery closet is a movement. It becomes easier when more people do it. Eventually, weight loss surgery can become an accepted and respected action and topic of conversation.

We’re making some progress. Over the past few years, several celebrities have gotten weight loss surgery procedures and allowed them to become public.

• The View host Star Jones Reynolds
  
• Television host Sharon Osbourne
  
• Comedian Lisa Lampanelli
  
• NFL Jets coach Rex Ryan
  
• Actor Brian Dennehy
  
• Wilson Phillips singer Carnie Wilson
  
• Heart vocalist Ann Wilson
  
• Comedian and television star Roseanne Barr
  
• New Jersey governor Chris Christie
  
• American Idol judge Randy Jackson
  
• Weather forecaster Al Roker
  
• Singer Patti Austin
  
• Chef Graham Elliot
  
• Author Anne Rice
  
• Musician John Popper
  
• Singer Etta James
  

What to Do When You Decide to “Come Out”

Let’s say you decide that you’re ready to come out of the WLS closet. “The Talk” with your friends and family members can be planned.

• Practice what you’ll say so that it comes out easily and naturally when you’re ready to say it.
  
• Keep it simple. Most people don’t know what a sleeve plication is, or the difference between gastric bypass or lap-band. Start by telling them that you got a type of weight loss surgery, and provide details if they seem interested.
  
• Be ready for questions. They might wonder what kind of diet you follow, how your stomach feels, whether you have to give up lots of foods, and all sorts of things that may seem basic to you. Be patient with them and answer their questions.
  
• It’s okay to set boundaries. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about dumping syndrome or measuring your food, you don’t have to.
  

Coming out to other acquaintances might be more spontaneous. The conversation with a work colleague might start with something like, “Hey, how come you never come out to lunch with us anymore?” That’s your chance to answer, “I really miss going out with all of you, but I got weight loss surgery a few months ago. I can’t eat that kind of food on my new diet.”

[♥LovetheNewMe♥ 1,216]

Everyone has there own reasons for staying in or coming out of the closet. I was one of those WLS patients who chose to start out of the closet from the day I decided to have surgery. For me I wanted the support of everyone friends, family and co-workers. I knew for me if I was an open book that I would be too afraid of failure and being on display as I forged through this journey would make me be accountable to myself. It worked for me and yes there were many nay sayers along the journey, those who made fun of me for my small portions and would make snide comments about what I eat. Comments like, "How many bites did you eat today?" But you know what, let'em talk, let'em laugh because the last laugh is on them. I am the one who won here, I am the one who lost a person and now has their life back! I don't miss the foods I craved in the beginning. I used to crave carbs and hated to go out with friends way back 3 years ago, but i have embraced this new life and can honestly say, "I love my new life and I love what LapBand has given to me. Thanks for the post. So to al those out there who choose to stay in the closet, "It's OK, you will know when it is time to share this journey. Each person's journey is very personal. Good luck to all!

[Seela 1,187]

This is a great post, thank you. Unfortunately I can't keep a secret so I've told everyone. It's astounding to me just how completely ignorant most people are and their pre conceptions amaze me. What's funny is most of the time they think they're right. .. I get comments od disbelief over the amount of food I eat at work, when other people are eating or if someone brings in goodies somebody always apologises. .. I tell them it's ok, that it really doesn't bother me, the truth is, when I look at that stuff all I can think is ,' that looks like it will end up painful'. I honestly just wish people were more informed and didn't just have the gossip from ... my girlfriends cousin's neighbors aunt that had wls said... oh well maybe someday

[cindymg 629]

Thanks Alex for this post. I consider it my personal mission to remove the stigma around weight loss surgery. I think that the more people hear about our positive experiences, the more people we can save from obesity.

I've long since stopped caring what people think about me, and if they have nothing better to do than gossip about me -- well, that's just sad. While I certainly don't lead with "I had weight loss surgery," if someone comments on my weight loss, then I will tell them. It's actually kind of funny to see the look in their faces!

[chrystine 42]

I think this post is ironic because I don't know anyone who discusses their mental health treatment in casual conversation (I for one do not) and I certainly don't plan on discussing my WLS in casual conversation. I am sure some people will ask once I start losing large amounts of weights. If asked directly I won't lie, If asked point blank I will say yes and change the subject, but I don't feel it's my personal mission to educate people any more than I feel it's my personal mission to lead people to therapy, ECT or any other kind of mental health treatment. If someone whom I really care about and I think trusts me asks me a question, I will give an honest opinion/experience - otherwise, why bother? Most people are only going to believe what they want to believe.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

My first concern is myself. I am not a member of a "movement." This is not an ideology. For me it's a tool I haven't tried yet (I haven't been sleeved yet).

One thing I notice about overweight people, including me, is that we've all lost weight through programs / organizations / products. We tend to see those tools as "the solution." And we've all seen many become proselytizers and devotees. There's cultic thinking in those behaviors. I'm leery of all that.

Just sayin'.

[JOANNE M HOLL 388]

I have found people forget very easily. I eat lunch at a local Senior Center. Folks are always pushing second helpings & Desserts at me. I always reply, "My tummy can't hold any more!" Most everyone heard I went to the Twin Cities to be Banded several years ago, but I don't want the conversation EVERY DAY. Also elsewhere my family knows it and my son keeps reminding me with every bite. I eat slower with much chewing, and they are done eating in 5 minutes! So they watch & comment. I finally told them to "Zip it Up, I'll take care of me!"

I don't know why I do not feel like conversing about it, but it's my tool & they can get their own tool or read about it on these web sites. I don't want to prove it's GREAT every day, but I would not part with mine for a million bucks!

[blueyz80 29]

I haven't even had my surgery yet and when I first decided to get the surgery I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone except for my family and friends that I'm very close with. Time went on and I'm getting closer and closer to getting the surgery and I decided that people will start asking so I just announced it on my Facebook page. People were surprisingly more supportive than I assumed and I really don't care what anyone thinks about my life because it is just that, MY life.

[JeanZ_RN 378]

I'm a nurse, working in an administrative job in a small hospital. Another nurse was hired for a similar position in our hospital, and in the course of conversation he soon volunteered the information that he's had the sleeve surgery. I had not heard of it, so I asked some questions, did my research and decided to start the journey. When I scheduled the time off for the surgery it just seemed natural to tell my peers on the management team the purpose of that leave. They have ALL been supportive, which has helped me tremendously. My only family - 2 sisters and 1 brother - all live hours away, and while we do keep in touch by phone and email, it's great to have supportive people whom I see every work day. Now I get to hear several times a week congratulations on how great I look and other congratulatory stuff. I'll TAKE it!

[KayleeC14 159]

I had my surgery back in November 2013 and it was a revision to the lap band. At first only my parents knew and of course sisters. I slowly starting to tell people like my family and very close friends when I knew that I was approved for the surgery. In 2008 when I had the lap band done and everybody and their brother knew about it. I wanted to make sure that I could have the revision done, and told my family not to say a word on any social network sites. It took me up to the surgery date for me to say "hey everybody this is whats happening" I started a blog, and directed my friends to read it so they know what exactly I am going through so I didnt have to face the questions up front. I am about two months out and doing great, I have a huge support team that helps me a lot! After coming out on Facebook I was very surprised on how many people have I inspired to get themselves healthy as well.

[StephanieRR 131]

Alex, Thank you so much for posting this article. I had my surgery 3 weeks ago and I have only told the closest of my family, friends, and co-workers. The better I feel, the more I have been wanting to come out and tell people. Now people are starting to notice and I don't want to lie. Slowly I have been telling people when they ask what I am doing. I also have that fear that people will think it's the easy way out, when in reality it's been one of the hardest, but most rewarding things I have ever done. This article may just have been the extra boost I was looking for! Afterall, everyone I have told has been super excited and supportive of me! Plus,if some people are just deprived of info on WLS and think it's an easy fix, I may just be the one to educate them!

[DLCoggin 1,788]

What an interesting and perhaps more importantly, healthy conversation. The responses are a unique opportunity to see both sides of this very personal decision. One that has no right or wrong answer. Each option offering its own benefits, risks and opportunities.

- The motivation for keeping the surgery private is often to avoid potential negative comments and actions. Certainly understandable. And the risk is real. But the decision also eliminates the potential for very positive and very powerful support. Not only from friends and family, but co-workers and acquaintances.

- It's no one's business but mine. Most definitely true. But how many that might have been motivated by your personal courage and strength to take their own leap toward a better, more fulfilling, happier and longer life will miss that opportunity?

- Who understands the pain and the unfairness of the obesity stigma better than the thousands of folks right here on this forum? And if we are willing to take the risk, who could possibly be better, real life examples of what is possible, what is attainable and who we really are?

Edited February 24, 2014 by DLCoggin

[diamond_jacq 2]

I just finished my 6 months of nutritionist meetings I've only told a few family members and three friends. But after doing so I feel that wasn't best. I didn't expect them to be excited or happy for me . Only my father and best friend are supportive but then again those two would support me on anything. So I guess for now I will not say anything else to anyone and attend support meetings and make friends on these fourms

[Dreamin Again 112]

I am still very early in the process. I am hoping to have my surgery mid November. I have gone back and forth with this issue and I just haven't made up my mind what to do yet. Of course the members of my household know I am considering it and they are pretty supportive but I think about how my other family members will react. They have never really supported me in important matters before so I am unsure what to do. I have to tell them something because my niece is my boss and I doubt I can just get by with telling her I need a week off for "surgery".

Some days I am very determined that when the time gets closer I will tell them, at least I will tell my mother then I won't have to inform the rest of them as she will have already done it lol.

I know I have time to decide but it does weigh heavily on me.

[Georgia Pritchett 53]

At work, I have told some people and not others. I'm in the process of switching departments at work which complicates things a bit. More people in the old department know than the new one. I figure once the surgery is scheduled, I'll tell everyone.

The only person who hasn't been very supportive so far is my sister. She's a low fat, low calorie that's the way to go type person. I've lost weight before doing higher Protein and good carbs and she questioned that. She's going through a rough time so I am being really supportive of her but I'm not feeling the love. I sent an email update to the siblings and she didn't respond. I sent her another update after my last doctor's appointment and asked how things were going with her. She responded to the question about how stuff was going but ignored the other stuff. Hey, at least she isn't outwardly attacking the idea.

My younger brother is my cheerleader right now. He's getting ready to start his own bariatric journey, too.