Dating post-op..does it get easier?

[soccergirl88 56]

I wanted to hear some stories and get advice about dating post op. Have you ladies had success? Have things not changed? My therapist convinced me to join eharmony as an experiment to work on my social skills..I listened to her and all I've gotten out of it is rejection. I figure it's because I'm still "obese" and I've found guys in my age range want the supermodel Barbie types and that's not what I am and I doubt I'll ever be one. My 111 pound weight loss helped my self esteem tremendously but this online dating debacle is starting to bring me down a bit.

[SerendipityHappens 1,594]

I met and married my exhusband at 360 pounds. I met my most recent exboyfriend at 340 pounds and we broke up two months ago. I went back on the dating sites at 240 pounds and 41 years old. It's maybe a little different... now I get men who tell me that I'm too small to be in the BBW category. I also get messages now from men who are not necessarily "chubby chasers" I live in a small city (harrisburg, pa) and I received about 5 contacts a day.. maybe ONE of those is from someone I might be even remotely interested in. After two weeks on the site I met a great man and we've been dating exclusively for over a month.. He's 8 years younger than me, kind, funny, athletic, and extremely handsome.. oh and he's single, straight and employed. SCORE! He thinks it's great that I've had the surgery and that I'm still working toward my goal. He says that I'd be fine if I stayed as I am, but that it's good I'm working to meet my own goals.

In order to have success on a dating site, here is my strategy:

Be VERY clear about my bodytype and size without being self deprecating. Post many pics at realistic angles including a few full body shots.

Put yourself in the correct bodytype category.. If you are more than 30-40 pounds overweight you belong in the BBW category.. if you are 20-40 pounds overweight you can use the "little extra" category and if you're less than 20 pounds above ideal weight you can get away with "average" if you want OR "a little extra"

Meet lots of people! I can't even count the "coffee dates" I've been on over the years. Unless you're totally turned off or creeped out by someone, then meet up for coffee in a SAFE PLACE without giving him any of your information. If you hit it off you can have a longer date later.. or turn it into coffee plus something else. If you don't hit it off then you've only spent a half hour of your time and you can move on.. I'll tell you this new guy I'm dating had horrible pictures online.. His profile was nearly empty and he didn't have great grammar during online messaging (he's not a native english speaker) BUT I didn't have anything to do that night so I decided to meet him at the local pizza place for a quick bite (well he ate, I just had some diet tea)WOW! I'm so glad I did, We hit it off right away personality wise and we have fantastic physical chemistry.

Don't waste your time becoming attached to people you haven't met yet. Seriously, MEET as soon as you can. Otherwise you spend time building him up in your mind and he builds you up too.. It's better to just meet in person right away.

Good luck to you!

[gamergirl 4,608]

Dating sites are a beating at every size and weight. It's a numbers game and you just have to be active on the site and work at it. Also what serendipity said, meet them quickly. No amount if online chatting and email will help you figure out the chemistry.

[soccergirl88 56]

Thanks for the advice ladies! It's much appreciated :-)

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think it is good advice. You can email someone for a month and still not realize that he is a dull conversationalist, or has horrid table manners or something like that.

One thing I wondered about - I am normal sized... size medium and though i do work out and AM actually fit I always mark myself as "about average" due to the saggy skin....LOL I have wondered what others have done.

I am actually seeing someone now, no long term potential, but a good situation for now as we have lots of fun and he makes me feel wonderful about myself.... 2014 is my year to go looking for a boyfriend with a bit more ling term potential though...haha

[kshepa 77]

Ok, I've lost 125# now and at

[kshepa 77]

Ok' date=' I've lost 125# now and at[/quote']

Now at 17 months out, I'm a size Medium. So I guess that's average. Had many more dates when I was 340#!! It seems I have not as much interest anymore. Not sure whether it's decreased hormones, or being too busy since I'm a whole lot more active, or just being happy and not feeling desperate to have just any man so I could feel wanted.

It's just kind of surprising to me. Thought losing weight would make me more desirable. I now know it's not only looks but personality, too.

I'll try the suggestions some of you made with the online dating. I had quit doing it months ago when I met someone not so nice who I felt threatened by. Haven't heard anymore from him. So yeah, I'll try again. And I'm looking for a hormone specialist to help with the lost libido, too.

Thanks everyone!!

[kwigillingok 177]

I've always been fat, and have always enjoyed an active dating life. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what changes occur over this next year or so!

[losinginNJ 92]

I am almost a year post op and down 113lbs. Before surgery I was on dating sites and didn't really meet anyone. Got rejected alot. So I took myself off the sites when I got surgery last Nov. In April I decided to try again...I was upfront about my surgery in my profile, didn't want to hide it..I got replies, talked to some guys, met some weird creepy guys too. Then one day in May I got a message from a guy. He was a little bit older, like 7 years, but he seemed nice. I replied and we went back and forth for a couple of emails then he asked if we could meet for a drink. We did a week later and things clicked. I didn't analyze it I just lived in the now with him. We took things slow. Seeing each other, texting. To make a long story short we are still dating and I can honestly say that I really care for him. He knows about the surgery. He told me not to be ashamed about my excess tummy skin, he told me I was perfect. I have showed him old photos and he told me I was always beautiful. Still living in the now with him but I can see a future with him.

[soccergirl88 56]

I am almost a year post op and down 113lbs. Before surgery I was on dating sites and didn't really meet anyone. Got rejected alot. So I took myself off the sites when I got surgery last Nov. In April I decided to try again...I was upfront about my surgery in my profile' date=' didn't want to hide it..I got replies, talked to some guys, met some weird creepy guys too. Then one day in May I got a message from a guy. He was a little bit older, like 7 years, but he seemed nice. I replied and we went back and forth for a couple of emails then he asked if we could meet for a drink. We did a week later and things clicked. I didn't analyze it I just lived in the now with him. We took things slow. Seeing each other, texting. To make a long story short we are still dating and I can honestly say that I really care for him. He knows about the surgery. He told me not to be ashamed about my excess tummy skin, he told me I was perfect. I have showed him old photos and he told me I was always beautiful. Still living in the now with him but I can see a future with him.[/quote'] Wow! That's so awesome and congratulations on your amazing weight loss AND finding a good man. Your story gives me hope!

[homersmomma 77]

I was dating someone months prior to my surgery. He has been wonderfully supportive and told me he will still love me even if I end up looking like a deflated balloon. I am keeping him.

[homersmomma 77]

Just a quick note. My "boy friend",(a word that I feel uncomfortable with as a 50 year old adult woman), actually were Facebook friends from the same home town. I had moved to South East Oklahoma ten years ago and then he moved here six years ago and we never really met until I asked him if he'd like to get together for lunch after work one Saturday afternoon last February. Take chances, life is just too short to wonder what if. I am so happy that I have him in my life.

[atelux17 135]

I started online dating again. I totally agree about the face to face meeting ASAP. You know if someone is a yes or no. It was easier when ppl rejected me for my weight, I could say they were shallow or close minded. Now I feel rejected for my age (30) & flab. It's hard to have explain my body to people, like I have extra skin, stretch marks, droopiness, & my boobs are empty. I met someone& started dating, having fun, but he says he doesn't want a "serious" relationship; no future. I'm not settling for anything less. We all just have to keep looking for what we deserve& we deserve it all--the love, respect, & faithfulness.

[1sunnuri 77]

This is a very inspiring topic. I am trying to enter the dating world again at 49...lol I know he is out there ..lol some really great advice for the online thing.

[soccergirl88 56]

Are there any single moms venturing into the world of dating post-op? I keep coming across men who initially like me and when I tell them I have a child, they start back tracking. One even told me he wanted children of his own, not someone else's child. I didn't realize how challenging it could be.