Why am I ashamed that I had to have WLS?

[gamergirl 4,609]

Why am I ashamed that I had to have this surgery? Why am I not comfortable telling people that I had WLS? I am very open about my life and my choices, I don't seek other's approval nearly as much as some do, and I know I did the right thing for myself.

So what's the hang up here?

I've been wrestling with this since before the surgery. I've told a few close friends and family, but I live my life out in the open, it's one of my "trademarks" that I am very open about life and emotions—all except for WLS. I have no idea what I will tell people when they notice. And my time is running out. I'll be back on the road pretty soon, and I'm already down 20 lbs, so it's not too long before someone is going to say something (although they all swear they don't realize I've put on 45 lbs in the last year so who knows.)

I'm very driven, very type-A, very goal-oriented. If I want something, I go after it with a single-mindedness and a sense of purpose that is hard to miss. But here's the thing. I went after weight-loss with a vengeance too. I can't tell you how many different things I've tried in the last 4 years. One month is was all Paleo (put on 10 lbs). Then it was all vegetarian (lost nothing). Then it was Fuhrman's recommendations (blood sugar went up 20 points, lost nothing). Then it was everything in moderation, calories down to 1200 (lost nothing). On and on and on.

And then that very Quest to reach my goals led me to WLS. So however I get there, I am (probably) going to hit my goal to lose weight. Mission Accomplished, right?

So why don't I see it that way? Why am I ashamed that I have to admit I could not lose it on my own, and had to have surgery? Is it because I think it makes me come across as someone with no self-control? Trust me, I have self-control, that was not the issue. Is it because I think people will see me as a failure? Trust me, everyone who knows me professionally knows I am not a failure.

So what is it??

My husband had the best analogy today. He said to look at it as troubleshooting. That I kept trying this and that, and everything else, and I finally found something that looks like it will work. So take pride in your persistence, and in finding a solution and be happy. He's totally right.

So why do I still feel ashamed that I had to have this surgery?

I know somebody else on here has to have gone through the same thing and come out on the winning side, and I would love to hear your experiences. Thanks in advance for helping me.

[gmanbat 5,889]

We set up imaginary people in our minds with their negative reactions and then look at ourselves through their eyes. It's human nature to prepare for the worst. No doubt you will run into negative folks. Look at yourself through your own eyes regardless of what they "see".

Don't borrow shame, don't accept it at the hands of others. It is up to you to know what is right and wrong.

People that get this surgery learn to know themselves and defend that identity. Adversity is a university. You have a good list of reasons to be proud of you. Unload the self-doubt along with the fat. Give yourself permission to be extraordinary. From what I see you have good reason to be proud. But it is not what I see that counts, it's what you KNOW.

[bigsleeve56 266]

If they judge you tell them to piss off. Enjoy the new life and the great decision you made and they will see it was the right choise.

[NMJG 1,266]

I know how you feel. I've told no one except my husband and sons. I just don't want to deal with all the questions, advice, and other baggage. I don't owe anyone an explanation. When your weightloss becomes apparent and people notice, just say "thank you," smile and leave it at that. It's nobody's business but your own. You know how hard you've worked to get to this point and that's all that matters. Good luck to you on this journey. You'll do fine.

[BigDaddyJoe 246]

I thought I wouldn't want to tell anyone. I only told a few people beforehand, and got tired of hearing "but you're not THAT big", or "you could do it yourself", so I stopped telling people. A few days after surgery, I woke up at 5 am, and it was bothering me that I had lied to people about why I wouldn't be around for a week, and would be lying to people if they asked how I was losing weight. So I typed up a long note explaining what I did and why I did it, what the surgery is, why I chose it over other surgeries, how I was doing, etc., and posted it on Facebook. I got a ton of support. Now, if anyone asks, I'm honest about it, and actually enjoy talking about it. I haven't gotten any negative comments, and have gotten a lot of questions because people are curious. I'm glad I decided to talk about it, but it was a very personal decision and I understand not everyone will make that same decision.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

You aren't doing it on your own? Who is doing it for you?

[gamergirl 4,609]

I thought I wouldn't want to tell anyone. I only told a few people beforehand, and got tired of hearing "but you're not THAT big", or "you could do it yourself", so I stopped telling people.

I've heard that from people on and off my whole life depending on what my weight was doing at that time. I have an unbeatable answer that I guarantee you, will make them drop the topic.

I simply tell them they only think that because they haven't seen me naked

GUARANTEED conversation stopper, esp if you say that to people at work. I'm evil that way

[gamergirl 4,609]

You aren't doing it on your own? Who is doing it for you?

LOL! Okay my husband I literally LOL'ed. You are so right.

[Ahealthyme2013 39]

I understand your frustration. I have been pretty open so far, but I work at a large high school with nearly 200 staff members and I know I will get a lot of questions. I'm no ashamed of the surgery, but my fear is any negative comments will probably put me on defense and I don't like confrontations. Some people are so set on what has worked for them without considering other people's journey. My advice is to do what feels right for you at the time. Just my 2 cents:)

[gamergirl 4,609]

We set up imaginary people in our minds with their negative reactions and then look at ourselves through their eyes. It's human nature to prepare for the worst. No doubt you will run into negative folks. Look at yourself through your own eyes regardless of what they "see".

Your first paragraph struck a chord with me. I stopped to think about what you were saying and asked myself whose eyes I was looking at myself. Realized that there were THREE people through whose eyes I was viewing this. Three, naturally skinny women who don't have to worry about weight. Three people who mean nothing to me in my personal life. That's who I'm letting dictate my emotions! What is wrong with this picture?

I hate being afraid. If I'm afraid, I go straight into whatever is scaring me so I can deal with it. So here's what I am going to do.

The next time I see those women, I'm telling them straight so I can deal with my fear, and then I will move on.

[gamergirl 4,609]

I know how you feel. I've told no one except my husband and sons. I just don't want to deal with all the questions, advice, and other baggage. I don't owe anyone an explanation. When your weightloss becomes apparent and people notice, just say "thank you," smile and leave it at that. It's nobody's business but your own. You know how hard you've worked to get to this point and that's all that matters. Good luck to you on this journey. You'll do fine.

Here's the thing. I might choose not to tell people because it's not their business. That's fine. I just don't what the deciding factor to be my SHAME. Make sense?

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I'm glad to hear you're facing your fear Gamergirl. I can't speak for anyone else, but I told everyone who I needed to tell beforehand, and everyone who has asked since. And in my experience, EVERYONE asks. Every single friggin person who has complimented me on my weight loss has followed it up with the question..."how did you do it?" To me, saying diet and exercise was only half an answer.

I think we all should answer the question in whatever way we're most comfortable....but by all mans be prepared to answer it because it will get asked alot.

[Beachbum2017 108]

Gamergirl;

Would you be ashamed if you had a mastectomy due to breast cancer? Would you be ashamed if you had bypass surgery due to heart issues? You (like most all of us here) did not make this decision lightly. You gave years to attempting to do this on your own and finally made the decision that was best for you. The fact of the matter is that WE know that overeating, diet and exercise are not all the contributing factors to our weight. Especially as we get older - it becomes almost impossible to get any real weight loss to be sustainable for any amount of time. In fact the yo-yo dieting and extreme measures that we take are actually worse for us than staying where we are. You researched this, you are a SMART lady, you have no reason to feel shame - you should feel proud of making a smart life changing decision to improve your life. I will tell you that I worried a great deal about what to do regarding letting people know - I finally decided to just lay it out there and if they didn't like it - they could just bite me - they hadn't walked this terrible life long struggle with me - and honestly - I have been amazed at all the support and understanding that I have received. You have to do what is best for you regarding letting people know but never, ever feel shame for this important life improving decision that you have made for yourself. Hugs!

[cindymg 629]

Hey Gamergirl: I have the same concern as you. I have been working at home for several months, and only my close circle of friends has seen me. And, they all know about my surgery. But I am getting ready to return to a client's location, and what will I say when they notice that as of today, ta-da, I am down 52 lbs. My plan is to use a phrase that another sleever used on this site a few weeks back -- "I used the two-step method -- 1. Eat Less; 2. Move more." Because that is actually what I did. If they ask "how?", then I will explain that I turned to a "tool" to help me. Just like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins are tools to help lose weight. My tool is called a "vertical sleeve gastrectomy."

But, I know what you mean about being ashamed. There still is a stigma attached to weight loss surgery. There used to be a stigma attached to mastectomies, or hysterectomies. Now people talk about them openly. Back in the day, people were embarrassed that they had to turn to programs such as Weight Watchers. Now they wear it like a badge of honor. What can we do to remove the stigma attached to weight loss surgery? It's up to us to remove the stigma and I think the only way that is going to happen is to talk about WLS more, until it becomes mainstream.

My plan is to become a poster child for weight loss surgery success, as in "look what I did with the help of a really good surgical program, friends and family, and supporters on the VST forum!" Of course that means that I have to continue to eat less and move more. But, that's okay. If I don't live in the WLS life, I will probably go back to my old, slovenly ways.

Does this help at all?

[LifetimeLoser 208]

Maybe your feelings of shame are tied to feelings of failure. The decision to have weight loss surgery is not a simple one. It is not an easy one either. It isn't like one can just decide to do it or buy it and it is done. It takes time, money, thoughts, lifestyle changes.

You say you have a type a, driven personality? Maybe somewhere inside you, you feel as if this is the one thing you could not conquer on the own without help. Giving in to weight loss surgery was giving up on you succeeding by yourself?

Maybe the shame is tied up in there.

Just a thought...