Does it really matter?

[Nursebarbie 392]

In the limited time I have been hanging around this forum, I have noticed something very disturbing. Yes, there is a lot of support and well wishes, light hearted jokes, and wonderful advice.

But, there is something more. Something dark, oppressive, in a word....judgemental. Perhaps more judgemental than I have ever experienced. Surprising, coming from a group of people who have historically been harshly judged, ridiculed, discriminated against, our spirits crushed because of our weight. Now it seems, some victims have become perpetrators of harsh judgement. Do they know? Do they realize it? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they believe in their perceived self appointed cause. Maybe its because they think they are an "expert".

What makes an expert? Nobody can agree. Are you an expert because you were or are fat? Because you had wls? Is it because your surgery was 10 yrs ago or are you an expert after 10 hours? Do you really know more at 5 years vs 3 years? Do you know more than a medical professional trained in wls or obesity? Does that not count if they were never fat or had wls?

Some of us are strong and do not care about your harsh opinions. Maybe some of us even think you are stupid for saying something so harsh or judgmental. But there are plenty who are soft on the inside, who make be more affected by being judged like that. Even though this is just a forum, people can be very hurt or confused by a nasty post. And the information some self appointed experts advise so strongly may be in error or cause injury.

If anyone should know how it feels to be judged it should be all of us here. So why are some doing it to others? There are better ways to get your "opinion" across than coming across as a self appointed expert.

[birdmadgirl 154]

I have been on this site for hours a day for about a month now.. I have never seen an example of what you are implying.. do you have examples or quotes that can shed some light on this topic?

[maharet111 544]

It is the internet. It is easy to hide behind a mask or firewall of anonymity and sit in judgment.

[Nursebarbie 392]

I have been on this site for hours a day for about a month now.. I have never seen an example of what you are implying.. do you have examples or quotes that can shed some light on this topic?

Sorry. I can't point out specific people or posts. All I can say is if you don't see a problem then be happy you don't know.

[NellieBean 70]

I am not trying to be judgmental, in fact I try to avoid that as a general rule, but this inst the first time you have posted a similar thread to this forum. Please take this in the spirit in which it is intended:

This is a public place where good, bad or indifferent, you will come across people you like and those you don't. You cannot change who they are and they will not change who you are. Accept and Celebrate the differences in people. If there are people who's posts annoy you, do not read them. You kind of have to have a thick skin on this site or any site. If you think this is bad go hang out on a gaming forum or reddit and see people get castrated daily for their opinions.

It is not a perfect world and this is not a perfect group of people. Accept that and you will get much more enjoyment out of this forum.

[birdmadgirl 154]

I love this place and I love the people.. I am pre op and need all the know it all advice I can get since i virtually know nothing. I appreciate everyones advice and knowledge. I havent come across any negativity what so ever except posts like this one honestly... Not faulting you for that but this is the first I have seen of it.

[stacechase 251]

I feel like posts like this only stir the pot and invite drama, even if they're not meant to. By saying there are certain people who are judgmental/harsh on certain occasions, but then not providing examples, it just creates more confusion—who does she mean? What post is she referring to? Could it be ME? I'm not saying that there aren't people on this site that seem to be quick to jump in and offer their (strong) opinions readily. That absolutely happens, and in the short few months I have been a part of this site, I already know whose opinions to take with a grain of salt. It's a personal thing, of course.

I totally understand that some people can be a bit harsh and that WLS is a very emotional process for all of us here, and we should be respectful of that and craft our responses with care and consideration of the feelings of others. However, I for one don't particularly have much sympathy for people who pop on and start posts about how they're cheating on their pre-op diet (you have your instructions, and those instructions need to be followed for your own health and safety) or people who complain because they're feeling pain after eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos 5 days post-op (come on, really!?)

In most cases, I just tend to keep on scrollin'...or even better, I go over to the Recipe Sharing board which is SO MUCH FUN to browse and so very useful! (Um, I'm on Day 5 of 10 of my pre-op liquid diet...can you tell that I'm HUNGRY!? )

[No game 14,436]

Ok..what did I do now nursebarbie??

[maharet111 544]

Ok..what did I do now nursebarbie??

That was my first thought too

[clk 3,519]

One, OP can't point fingers or she'll get locked and possibly blocked, so for anyone that's wondering, that's why it's vague.

Second, it's a forum. Everyone is mostly anonymous. We all have opinions and we all have different ways of expressing them. This comes up pretty frequently. Truth is, what's harsh and critical to one person is the swift kick in the pants another person is grateful to receive. You can't know what people expect when they post and you can't know what people intend when they reply. I've only run across one or two genuinely malicious posts here, ever. Even the person trying to give someone the blunt truth isn't doing it to be hateful, judgmental or cruel - they're trying to help someone. Sometimes it's less than helpful. But you can't read intent from typed words, and trying to will drive everyone crazy.

Third, yes, there is a definitely difference in how you view things and approach them the longer you're here. It doesn't make you an expert. I don't see anyone here proclaiming that they know the only right way to do this and anyone else that doesn't do it their way is stupid and doomed to failure. Well, I have seen one person but she shall remain nameless. I just avoid her posts and secretly cringe when she likes anything I post. No harm.

Even people that have criticized me for being too harsh or too quick to complain have later admitted that maybe I might have a point, sometimes, about things that bother me here.

People take things entirely too personally. This is a public forum full of people from around the world.

I also saw a recent post that annoyed me along the same idea - that somehow it's "bullying" to express an opinion other than cheerful sunshine about anything or to chastise anyone, ever, at any time and in any way.

B.S.

This place is even more protected than the real world. Out there? Guess what? Hypercritical and mean people abound and they're not typing at me from behind a screen, they're being judgmental in my face. This is a safer place. Let's not sanitize it entirely and take away any personality whatsoever.

Part of what makes it such a useful place is that you get differing opinions and stances. We're all individual and that doesn't only apply to the pace at which we lose weight. It also applies to what motivates us and how we deal with things.

You have a choice to let things bother you or let them roll off your back. I see plenty of things here I'd love to chime in about but it's not productive or helpful, so I abstain. I used to let it all get to me. Now I just avoid what I don't care for and I'm happier.

~Cheri

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

hi Cheri

i usually take a couple of sentences from a post and make that as my quote

can't do that with your post - because i enjoyed everything you wrote

it does bother me sometimes when i see a person tell a newbie in essence you dummy how can you eat this or that - messing with your new tummy

sometimes posts sound a little harsh, but really aren't intended that way

but if someone did say something, not in the greatest "voice"

shame on you

you can't "see" someones facial expression on the board as they write something

hopefully/usually it isn't sent maliciously

above being said, when i was an early early newbie - i made a response to a post

someone PM'd me and made a comment about what i said

i interpreted as something "mean"

i wrote back nicely, and she rewrote in a better way, and i THEN understood no harm was meant

i think i am just repeating what others have clearly stated

btw Cheri - you look so little and cute

oh,wait a minute, thats the baby

but you look terrific too

kathy

[sarsar 824]

above being said, when i was an early early newbie - i made a response to a post

someone PM'd me and made a comment about what i said

i interpreted as something "mean"

Grammy,

Who called you mean...that is just wrong. You are nothing but a sweet, little Grammy! Although, when you were an early newbie I suppose you weren't little but you were still sweet!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

But, there is something more. Something dark, oppressive, in a word....judgemental. Perhaps more judgemental than I have ever experienced. Surprising, coming from a group of people who have historically been harshly judged, ridiculed, discriminated against, our spirits crushed because of our weight. Now it seems, some victims have become perpetrators of harsh judgement.

I must be fortunate enough to live in a world of rainbows and unicorns! I've never once thought of this forum in this manner nor have I ever felt "judged, ridiculed, discriminated against, our spirits crushed because of our (my) weight".

On a happier note, I went to a consignment store today and bought 4 pairs of size 14 capris and 5 size large tops today. I also weighed in at 197.5 at my three month follow up today, 2 pounds less than my home scale and I was fully dressed instead of buck nekky. WOOOT WOOOT!!

Oh sorry...got side tracked by my skittle pooping ponies.

[Barbarah 18]

Skittle pooping ponies.......HAHAHAHahahahahah that is so funny. I needed a good laugh!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Skittle pooping ponies.......HAHAHAHahahahahah that is so funny. I needed a good laugh!

The view from my front porch: