Giving yourself permission...

[Globetrotter 1,340]

... to be wasteful.

I was never a member of the Clean Your Plate club, that was never enforced in my family growing up, though at the same time food was considered the only justifiable expense. But I was admonished/critisized/guilted for any act of wastefulness, to the point of being denied access to many things because it was deemed a wasteful expense (including being seen by a doctor but that's another can of worms).

So, as part of my WLS journey, I am learning to give myself permission to be "wasteful". Spending 10 dollars on cheap cosmetics at Walgreen's, instead of a trip to Burger King - that's okay!! So I "wasted" my money and an antire can of Coke because all I wanted was that first frosty bubbly sip - so what, it's my money and a small sip is better than 8 oz! It's okay!! It's not as easy as it may seem, the indoctrination of youth is difficult to shake, last year I was unemployed for a few months and had to be on a budget and I found myself reverting to self-abusing habits: Not going out because that would mean a couple of dollars cover charge, but spending that same money on food - because it is justifiable. My enjoyment wasn't justifiable, isn't that just sad? I'm sad -and embarrassed- as I type this.

A new lipgloss or bottle of nailpolish from Rite-Aid costs about the same as a fast food meal or drink at a bar, with much more positive results. I struggle to believe that my desires matter, that my having ANY desire for self-care or tenderness is NOT a sign of ego or a$$holery. It is time to wash myself clean of my parent's toxins.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

I am so with you on this. Whilst as adults we are free to make our own choices, there are deeply ingrained behaviours and patterms that are incredibly difficult just to set aside and forget about them.

But you understand what the problem is and knowing that is the start of changing things for the better. Out of everything you say, the most significant phrase is "I struggle to believe that my desires matter" ... and therein lies the root of your inability to do nice things for yourself without feeling the need to justify them against being wasteful.

You matter. So what matters to you is important. Your logic tells you that it is a better deal to buy a new lipgloss than eat fast food. But your internal voice still tuts and tells you off for wasting money.

So time to give yourself permission to live as your adult self, free to make decisions in your best interests, because your happiness and wellbeing are in your hands - and because you matter. Who sees that you took a sip of Coke and poured the rest away? Only you... so time to tell your internal critic to take a seat in the corner while you enjoy life's small pleasures, cos that's what they are. And we all need them.

Every time you do something that should make you feel good, stop and allow it to feel good, don't put the other side of the argument - just enjoy. As you know, new habits take time to develop and so you need to praise yourself without thinking "ego" or "*******". Those are other people's opinions that you've absorbed over the years - tlme to let them go.

I come from a background where I can relate to everything you say. In recent years, I have walked a tough path to let go all the associated behaviours as I knew I couldn't move forward with anything until I did. To begin, with I didn't think I could at 51 years old. But I have, taking small steps, culminating in paying $15,000 for my sleeve never having spent anything on myself in years because I didn't think I mattered...

Good luck, you look fab and you deserve to be toxin free. The rest of us are right behind you :-))))

[SmilinNC 27]

Even in pre-op stage, I am beginning to struggle with this. I can so relate to the both of you. I'm realizing this particular area with be my biggest, nastiest, & hardest battle with myself. Thank you both for throwing this topic out there! It just brings it to the forefront of reality!

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Indigo, you got it, you really got it <3

[pantala 125]

Globetrotter, thanks for starting this topic. I can't remember the exact moment I realized that wastefulness around food was baggage for me but I have been working at being more conscious of this for some time (even before my sleeve).

So many people have this issue: my mom has kept containers of spices for 10 years (ewww) rather than throw them out! My husband keeps Condiments with 2 teaspoons left until they are dry and hard. I have a dear friend who has no idea what is in the back shelves of her pantry. In each case when I try to throw that crap out, they have a fit. But I get that because almost every time I throw food away I feel a twinge.

We all deserve better than to eat outdated, icky, possibly dangerous food. Never mind eating past health and comfort to avoid being wasteful.

[clk 3,519]

Great post, Globe.

For me, putting myself first in anything has been a big hurdle, and it's incredibly satisfying to me to be able to stand up and declare that I matter, my feelings matter, I can do what I want, etc. I no longer feel bogged down by years of insecurities or this insane desire to please everyone around me, as if that will somehow convince them that I am important and that it's okay to love me even if I'm fat and I can't love myself.

I do what I want for me now. I buy the damn shoes, I buy the lip gloss, I toss away half a plate of food that I only ordered because the combination of main and side dish sounded enjoyable - I get it because I WANT IT. I do not have to prove myself to anyone but myself. I do not have to hate myself or believe anything that was ever said to me as a child or young woman.

It's incredibly liberating.

Shut that inner Globe up. Tell her to go to hell, and then buy the damned nail polish. She's been enforcing the bad habits/ideas/notions/toxicity of your upbringing and you don't need her inner voice to make you feel bad about your choices.

This is about you. You did not come this far to hold yourself down or to berate yourself for every choice you make.

~Cheri

[HatheryOnHerWay 603]

I still have a hard time with this. Now I try to push my extra food onto whatever poor soul is dining with me.

[TwinsMama 483]

I still have a hard time with this. Now I try to push my extra food onto whatever poor soul is dining with me.

I do a combo of this and actually boxing up the food and then tossing it or leaving it out so that I end up having to toss it. I don't know why, but it feels less like I've wasted it if I box it and then toss it. I think it's about leaving the restaurant/store/etc. with it rather than having someone else toss it.

Almost like on hoarders...how they can throw their stuff out but to see someone else throw their stuff out, sends them over the deep end.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I'm going to tack something on to this discussion...

Giving yourself permission, to not eat if you don't want to.

I can hear the engines revving up now, to flame me for "advocating" not eating, so Hear Me Now: That is not what I am doing.

Rather, in this discussion of giving oneself permissions, permission to be wasteful, permission to be oneself, permission to LIVE, I hav found a freedom in saying, "you know what, I don't WANT to eat at this moment and I don't have to!" I don't have to take advantage of every single "treat" or opportunity for indulgence, I am not a 12th century peasant. There is plenty, I will not starve, I am not starving, it is okay to turn away from food, I am not being wasteful if I turn away from food. I can say no.

Saying no, now, there's a bigger issue ...

I'd wager that is an incredibly deep issue that many of us who have self-medicated with food grapple with. If I say no, will you invite me back? If I say no, will you walk away, thereby proving my deepest fear that you were only interested in me for what you could get? That last one isn't necessarily sexual you know ...

This sort of went down the rabbit hole, but I'm kind of glad ...

[clk 3,519]

Yes - I had not realized until post op how many of society's rituals revolve around food. When I am not hungry, I don't want to eat. And I shouldn't have to eat in order to make people feel more comfortable, or like I'm part of the group, or because they want to feel better about the fact that they're eating something. I don't want anyone to roll their eyes at me and dismiss me as "on some crazy diet" and I shouldn't have to explain myself.

And the guilt around food - how ridiculous is that? Parents that enforced the clean your plate rule with beatings and lectures about how poor they were growing up certainly did me no favors. I should not feel any twinges because I can't eat the massive portion on a plate, or because I choose to eat only an appetizer. I shouldn't have to rationalize to myself that it's okay to "waste" the money or the food. But for a long time, that's exactly how I felt.

Being in charge of my body and being free to express my wants and my desires without repercussions or justification is just as important to me as feeling worthy enough to do what I want or buy what I want or eat what I want.

It's all so tangled. This is what makes this a challenge. This is the part that makes maintenance or long term success hard.

~Cheri

[TwinsMama 483]

Parents that enforced the clean your plate rule with beatings and lectures about how poor they were growing up certainly did me no favors.

I noticed this too. My parents (thin) didn't really enforce the "clean plate rule" but part of our large extended family did. Looking back, the ones that enforced this rule are also the ones (including their kids) with weight problems today.

My thinner family members never forced food on us or even their kids for that matter. I should have figured that out long ago.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

My son had knee surgery last week so is staying with me (for another 8 weeks!!!) until he recovers enough to look after himself again. Tonight, his dad, my ex, came to see him for dinner. I did the whole steak, potatoes, veg, followed by apple pie and a cream custard.

Not only didn't I eat a mouthful of what they were having, I didn't eat anything - because I didn't feel ready to eat. No-one commented, we all sat together and chatted, then both said thanks for a great dinner. Two hours later, I am having something to eat as i now want to and I will enjoy it.

That's a huge change in my mindset and I hope it's the beginning of the end of food ruling me rather than the other way around. Globetrotter, I get the whole permission not to eat thing too. Choosing when to eat (or not) and not being dictated to by food (or people) is such a freeing experience. Long may this continue :-)

[TwinsMama 483]

My son had knee surgery last week so is staying with me (for another 8 weeks!!!) until he recovers enough to look after himself again. Tonight, his dad, my ex, came to see him for dinner. I did the whole steak, potatoes, veg, followed by apple pie and a cream custard.

Not only didn't I eat a mouthful of what they were having, I didn't eat anything - because I didn't feel ready to eat. No-one commented, we all sat together and chatted, then both said thanks for a great dinner. Two hours later, I am having something to eat as i now want to and I will enjoy it.

That's a huge change in my mindset and I hope it's the beginning of the end of food ruling me rather than the other way around. Globetrotter, I get the whole permission not to eat thing too. Choosing when to eat (or not) and not being dictated to by food (or people) is such a freeing experience. Long may this continue :-)

So great! You are really doing well. To sit thre and not eat I know was tough. I love reading your posts because you have such a positive outlook. So happy for this change for you!

Edit: sit there

[gamergirl 4,609]

I've always justified not cleaning my plate by thinking of how much more expensive a heart attack or diabetes would be. I've had to convince my husband that we (read HE!) will have to get used to throwing away food and not having leftovers. If we keep food in the house, it calls his name. I eat and then I don't think about food, but he's not like that.

I made him read stories of people eating an entire pizza or fried rice or whatever by eating around the sleeve, all day, and told him THAT was what was truly expensive and wasteful.

His head gets it, his heart struggles a bit

[Jen35 283]

I no longer feel bogged down by years of insecurities or this insane desire to please everyone around me, as if that will somehow convince them that I am important and that it's okay to love me even if I'm fat and I can't love myself.

Saying no, now, there's a bigger issue ...

I'd wager that is an incredibly deep issue that many of us who have self-medicated with food grapple with. If I say no, will you invite me back? If I say no, will you walk away, thereby proving my deepest fear that you were only interested in me for what you could get? That last one isn't necessarily sexual you know ...

I love this thread! I can completely relate to wanting to please everyone so they will like/love me. My weight is a big part of that but I think it goes deeper for me since I was like that even when I was a child and didn't have a weight problem. But the weight had made it much, much worse - I don't feel worthy of love so I feel like I have to earn it by making people happy. So sad when I think about it. I don't say no when I really should because what if that means that that I'm no longer of value to you. I put myself last on any list. I'm working on all these things with a therapist but WOW this is hard!!