Support Assignment:How to elicit spousal support...help please

[PuffyOne2014 0]

Hello Peeps...I need some assistance please. Pardon the scene setting here, but i want to make sure that i project my situation correctly. I am married to a wonderful man, kind, romantic, loving and honest. We are very fortunate to have established a level of trust and communication that neither of us have experienced in prior relationships. We are blessed with each other, a beautiful child and relatively good health. We've been together for a long time and look forward to an active and fun filled retirement together. So, all sounds good, right? It is, except for the fact that over the past four years, I have been on a steady path of weight gain. I was banded in 2006, lost 60 lbs and then, over the ensuing years, vacillated between gaining/losing the same 20. In 2009, my band did the big slip and I had surgery for it to be replaced, both surgeries were good, free of complications. So, long story short (too late, right?) I continued down the path with my 2nd band and kept trying to find my sweet spot/holy grail that would allow me to eat w/out barfing, sticking, choking or gagging. This banding stage has been less than enjoyable. Fast forward to now..... I have been completely unfilled for approximately 3 years and as a consequence, weigh almost as much as I did when i was banded the first time. also, I still have issues with stuck food, port pains and general eating/digestive problems.

So here's my deal....I must get this band out...MUST...MUST..MUST..before I do myself any more damage. Clearly, it is not helping me to lose weight, and it is definitely contributing to poor eating habits. However, prior to removal and revision, I have two obstacles. 1) my BMI is a sliver below 35 and my co-morbidities are depression, cholesterol, and general joint aches/pains...nothing that insurance considers that detrimental, and 2) my husband is 110% against the thought of me undergoing additional surgery (beyond band removal). He is worried about the risk, the mortality rate, complications from the surgery and the lifestyle changes that are required after someone is sleeved. I see all of these things as valid concerns, but concerns that each of us have to weigh prior to making any decision about wls.

So, here is what I need help with. Has anyone had a really great spouse, someone who gets that this is an individual choice and is not their body, but is still very apprehensive about their partner getting sleeved? Surgery that is "irreversible" is scary, true, I get that, but life down a path of increasing pains and medical complications (not to mention the pure social inhibitions that go along with being overweight) is not a life I want, but is the path that I seem to be on.

Any advice? Any similar situations?

Anyone.....????

[lsereno 2,525]

My husband was OK with surgery but my Mom was scared. My advice? Take him to a support group meeting and a surgeon appt. It's what I did with my Mom and it helped soothe her fears.

Lynda

[VSGKirk 855]

Have you considered he IS being supportive? He may know you better than you know yourself and if he's worried for you about the lifestyle changes that are necessary to make VSG surgery successful, there might be something there. Maybe you could demonstrate your willingness to make small changes before surgery to reassure him that you are in the right mental space to take on a 3rd surgery.

[HatheryOnHerWay 603]

My husband didn't want me to have the surgery. He finally "consented" when I found doable financing and was able to explain to him adequately how much of an emotional toll this whole lose/gain cycle was having on me. It also made him uncomfortable (with good reason) that I was having surgery halfway across the country with a man I'd never met. However, once he met the surgeon those fears disappeared.

[chinamama 104]

I don't know that I asked anyone. I just said I'm tired of this I'm going to do it. It's funny once I make up my mind about something and stop questioning myself most of my family falls in behind.

[mich 74]

I can relate. My husband is wonderful, and we have been together since high school ( in our 40s now). It was April when I decided enough was enough, I'm so sick of living with the daily struggles/pain of the band. For months he was resistant, he thought if it needed to come out, fine, but then I should go without. He loves me and wants me around. He has good points. When I got the band 5 years ago, they said it stayed in forever. Now years later its a different story. If I get sleeved, what are they going to say about that 5 years from now?

We have talked about it many times since April. I told him everything about my appointments with the psychologist, nutritionist, and then the surgeon last week. He has slowly come around to where he is ok with it. I think it goes against his ( and many other men's) nature to watch the women they love put themselves in harms way. And that is how he sees surgury.

I remember when I got the band, he was supportive, but restrained and quiet. Post-op, when we got home, he was so happy and smiling. I was whining, "what have I done"! And he was cheering me on saying how great it was going to be. I was so confused, he hadn't shown any excitement before the operation. But now that it was over, and I was safe and well, he was so happy for me.

My advice, small relaxed talks, but change the subject if he gets nervous. Give it time and he will come around.

[PuffyOne2014 0]

Thank you s much for all your responses. Even though I am fairly new to this site, I can already tell that I will be able to get so much inf and support, and hopefully be able to offer some at some point. I will continue to do my homework (I have my first appt w/surgeon for band removal on Thursday) and work towards getting my husband comfortable with this process. I think Mich nailed it by suggesting the small relaxed talks. He is reasonable and understanding, just worried about my safety and ultimate happiness.

Thanks again guys..I really do appreciate all the input.

Cheers!