gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I do have 2 grand kids here. I have my 7 almost 8 yr old grandson and a 2 year old grand daughter. I have one in Portland and one on the way. they are both girls. I do go up and see the 2 in Portland pretty frequently. I've really considered moving to Portland but I really don't want to live there. I'm really close to my grandson and I pick him up from school and keep him until after dinner at least once a week.

The traffic freaks in Portland freaks me out and I am completely stressed out any time I want to drive anywhere. You can't go anywhere after about 2 pm without getting stuck in terrible traffic jams. Plus you have to pretty much wait til 10am to leave to go anywhere. Everything is also more expensive.

The thought of going through another move, packing up and selling this house, and trying to find another one I could afford, is scary. It would probably send me over the edge.

The depressing part is the availability of available men. Men around here are into hunting, fishing, mud racing, etc, none of which I have any interest in. When I was taking ballroom dance classes and went to dances constantly, it was all married people at the dances.

Plus my weight has me terribly depressed. I've sort of come to terms that I can't get any lower. I was at 144 this morning. It doesn't seem possible that

9 or 10 lbs would make my tops and jeans all too small. I've bought some new clothes that fit, but I would love to wear all the pants and tops I can't wear. If I eat one wrong things, socializing, I'm almost up to 150.

Going to the gym helps with my depression but every day this week, it's been one thing or another that I have to do and I can't go. If I don't go first thing in the morning, I know I won't go later. I actually think there was nothing that would keep me today but my daughter needed me to watch my 2 year old grand daughter. It was fun having her here. I usually see her at her house.

I'm trying to remain optimistic but I keep meeting guys that want to be with me, and I will go out on a date simply because I am so bored, but then they want to see me again and I have to tell them I like them only as a friend.

I hope you're having fun on your trip, Cathy!

Sheryl you sound great! I'm so glad you didn't waste another moment trying to pass that stone. This guy sounds great. I hope you'll message me soon. I want to hear all about how you met.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

FWIW, I wouldn't date while feeling blue. Even if a great guy showed up, you might not be in the right headspace to enjoy it. I have access to different types of men - urban, outdoorsman,culture vultures, car guys, Harley guys, sports nuts , golfers etc. - all that. For me, I don't worry too much that we like doing the same things 100percent because I am pretty busy. This probably sounds odd, but my attraction is more based on can we talk endlessly and when we do stuff together enjoy each other's company. I am into horses, dogs, town festivals, culture, hiking, wine tastings, live music, dancing, beach, mountains but not like a triathlete..Haha. I seldom encounter a man whose interests overlap much with mine but it works. The main showstopper for me is guys who don't seem to have any real passion - kind of checked out. I've tried that and I get bored. I also get bored if they aren't intelligent,outgoing,verbal, interesting and active. The details are negotiable. I'd rather be with a hunter/outdoorsman (even though I won't participate in most of it) than a dude who does basically nothing because I need someone who is more "on fire" than that. I guess I need passion in a match, passion for life. I figure I have girlfriends to do my stuff with...and meetups or specific activity partners for things like hiking or live music.

Michael has a plan to have me actually golfing by the end of summer. I was kind of excited to hear that as I really want to learn, but he is above average golfer so wonder if he'll really have the patience! He has been an athlete his whole life, is politically conservative, gambles - none of those match me, but we get along well, I am very attracted to him, he is fun and a little zany...we can talk forever, even on touchy subjects (politics,religion,death penalty,abortion) and that is such a rare thing.

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[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So I am giving a hallelujah for starting to get my life back. I am becoming active again...it's making me feel better. My puppy is adorbs....she and my other dog play about 6 hours a day and is endlessly entertaining for me. Life is on the upswing again, but I do have a few issues too of course.

Georgia, the reason I feel big is because I have a substantial frame. If I have fat to lose, it isnt that much but I need about a size 10 top/6-8 bottom. I really notice it in group photos, I was standing next to a woman who is overweight (big belly, not fit) but I am actually bigger than her. We are all individuals and it is not fair to compare my big boned self to my fine boned friends and work colleagues, but sometimes I do. I am working on getting over it.

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[feedyoureye 3,087]

OK! Hello all, I finally got through the posts I missed... I can't believe its been a month! Where did it go? I have stopped riding my moto.... have very mixed feelings about it... don't want to sell it... but my anxiety has gone down some. I am planning how to follow the call to adventure without it... looks like car trips, camping and the flight/train/bus route I have used for years. I still imagine riding the bike places... but not sure its worth the thought. My knee is gone bad again... the steroids are worn off I guess. Trying a brace... Gaining weight is not helping. Really working on losing, but gain two, lose two... you know what I mean. Up side, Hubby is grabbing my ass constantly... he likes it that way. I'm still down 50 pounds, which is what my Doc expected me to lose in the first place.. but feel fat. No fun. I will be going on a hike tomorrow with Craig to the Sutter Buttes... The Sutter Buttes are sometimes referred to as the world's smallest mountain range. They rise up in the middle of the huge Saramento Valley, are privately owned land, and so tours are rare. We will be lead by a University professor with an emphasis on culture, geology, flaura and fauna. The Natives used to winter there when flooding hit the valley. I have this bum knee and just getting over a cold... so I hope I can stick with the group and not fall out! Wearing a brace and using my camera tripod as a walking stick... hoping for some cool photos. Its been on my bucket list for years, so no time like the present.

New puppy...the wookie. ..along with my suzy baby. I love dogs and this really cheered me!

Both of course rescues (although suzy had good care just no training or handling until I got her). Bella a true rescue...found on an Indian reservation and was scooped up by a rescue organization because they use little dolls like her as "bait" to train their fighting dogs. Horrible. ..so glad there are people who care so much!

Bella and suzy.jpg

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Those doggies are dolls! Little rescue does look yorkish for sure. They are troopers, and very sporty. Glad they are getting along so well.

Where is everyone. I'm the birthday girl today and feeling lonely. . Just off to the theatre to see Mama Mia for my birthday treat.

Happy Birthday Lady! Sorry I'm so late, but if your anything like me, celebration can go on for as long as anyone wants to do it!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Kim was the motorcycle triggering anxiety? They sure do in me!

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[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I must be crazy. Michael introduced me to some of his friends. ..and while he has been patient, wanted to start meeting my people. I hosted a bbq Sunday - just my boys and a gfriend and my animal menagerie. It went great but it's really weird for me as I am pretty self protective...dates don't meet my kids/ come to my house. Michael was comfortable social able and ad my girlfriend said "hot" - he is 61 but honestly looks better than most 51 year olds.

I like Michael a lot, wish he didn't gamble so much as that is a big issue for a permanent relationship. Not a problem for a summer boyfriend. About damn time I found a fun fit attractive tall guy to enjoy! And, he is teaching me to golf!

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[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Kim, I don't remember you ever telling us that the bike was causing anxiety. I thought you were enjoying it!

Sheryl, I don't know why you said you must be crazy.

The gambling would bother me too. I guess if he can afford it, and knows his limitations, it's ok. I know a number of people who gamble because we have a casino in our town. They take a certain amount to spend and leave when it's gone. The ones you worry about are the ones that plan to spend a certain amount and spend it, then go to the ATM machine.

I think as long as you enjoy his company and you're doing something you enjoy, like learning to golf, why not keep enjoying his company? He's not asking you to go gambling with him so have fun until you don't enjoy him anymore.

My daughter turned 35 Friday and we celebrated her birthday all weekend long, so I am afraid to get on the scale.

My daughter in law is expecting my grand daughter any day now.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Oh his gambling is under control and I have gone (but don't gamble) it's no problem except for the committed relationship possibility. It's a show stopper on that front but I enjoy him immensely. ..he is that right mix of attentive without smothering, good looking hot kisser...all good. I love my home in the country in summer months so want him to be comfortable here...but it's a plunge for me because I have kept dates separate from my family and not doing it this time. I am going to invite him on a hike with my brother soon....

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[Georgia 2,908]

Denise, can't wait to see some pics of the new grand once she arrives!

Kim, you have more guts the. Me I can tell you that. I'd never have made it down the driveway probably. I do think as I get somewhat older I am becoming more anxious about stuff I never was before. I can see my Mother coming out! . She was a beautiful person but very fearful on a lot of counts. Anyway, if it makes you anxious I'd ditch it. (Figuratively. )

Here's my view til Sunday. Hubs and I enjoying a week st Panama City Beach FL. Swing through New Orleans first for a couple days to see the Grandgirls and Son/DIL then drove here on Sunday. Nice. A little chilly yet in the mornings but very relaxing and that's my goal.

 

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@Georgia my mother became more fearful with age too.
For me, I have tried a couple of times to ride on the back of a harley. First time, I actually relaxed into it as my driver was very sympathatic to my anxiety and explained things to me in a way that my rational brain could accept as clear info. His bike was also really comfy with the princess seat. The second time was with a guy I did a few dates with. I was miserable. The bike was smaller, although still a Harley, seat was uncomfortable and the position hurt my hip. On top of that, he would do a ton of swerving and I even felt a little motion sickness. I NEVER want to ride one again because of that experience. It was anxiety provoking....

However, I know alot of people feel anxious about horseback riding. That is a very dangerous activity - especially the cliffhanger mountain rides and I dont feel the least bit worried. I just hope if I wreck I am either 1) fine or 2) dead. My biggest fear is of a head injury and become disabled... yes I wear a helmet, but that is a long way to fall especially off the side of a ravine - should that happen! But, I don't think about it.

As Tim McGraw sings:

"we ride and never think about the fall, I guess that's just the cowboy in us all"

(of course he was talking about taking a risk on love)

I can't do that on a motorcycle - my anxiety kicks in and I imagine everything - in particular the bike going down.

Damn, I have been eating crappy about the last week - time to hit the reset button AGAIN!

[coops 1,790]

Hello all, just thought I would say a quick Hi. I am ok, not great but ok... still a lot of things going on and I'll be perfectly honest, I am struggling through taking each day at a time. Not doing great on the food front either, haven't fasted properly for many weeks and this has lead to the weight I lost coming back... of course this doesn't help any sort of positive mind set that I am trying to adopt.

But I will keep chugging along...

Hope you are all ok x

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@coops Is work a challenge?

My life is going GREAT, but I have been eating junk food for about a week. It feels a little like a binge - only not stuffing myself kinda binge, more of a sleever grazing kind of binge. Not good. I don't know why, but I have some anxiety about things at work etc so something is bothering me that i haven't surfaced emotionally. Heck, it could even be because my love iife is going SO WELL that I am internally stressed - waiting for the shoe to drop? I am not conscious of feeling that way, but something is making me eat junky food.< /p>

I know I need to eat clean/do a reset and get all the crap out of the house. Michael mentioned he'd gained 3# since we met (he is very weight conscious!) so I can't really blame him. He eats less than I do when we are together - it is the junk i have let creep in that is the problem.

How is everyone doing? Its suppossed to hit 80 degrees today - I am so happy!!! Bring on summer - this is a prelude at least!

[coops 1,790]

Yea, Sheryl, work is part of my problems at the moment... we are on Easter break here coming to the end of two weeks... going back in on Monday fills me with dread... I am actively looking for another school, but not been successful so far. I will keep looking and fingers crossed something will come up for me.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I'm so sorry you're not feeling great Coops. I know how you feel. I am really disappointed that I can't see to lose the weight I've gained. I feel really fat even though it's only 10 lbs. I've said this before, it feels like 25. I know it has to do with all the muscle I've lost.

It seems ridiculous that I have to eat next to nothing in order to lose. It's heart breaking actually. I can't eat like a bird the rest of my life.

My love life is weird. I am actually dating 3 guys, but I don't really care if I continue to see any of them. I think it's me. When I am depressed, even things I normally enjoy, I have no interest in.It's a classic depression symptom.

Funny how I thought that if I just lost 100 lbs , I would be happy.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

(HUGS) Denise. Sorry you are feeling blue. I know I said this before, but I wouldn't date while feeling depressed. I think it sends the wrong energy and you risk attracting the wrong people. I guess I have a belief system about energy or personae that we project and what that brings into our lives. When I was anxious and had inner turmoil, I was not a good relationship candidate.

Ok, I am biased...I am still hurt and disappointed on some level that a year ago I fell for a guy who was essentially using dating as part of his therapy. Seriously ,I felt used and manipulated. I guess it's a good thing Scott was too messed up in the head (not saying you are, but he is nuts) to have sex so at least THAT dimension wasn't on the table. I still feel the sting when I realize that I was part of the fake life facade he was building. The way he showed me off to select people...the way he intentionally made sure his freakng THERAPIST saw us together. I guess I carry baggage, I probably used dating as some sort of self validation too, but I will never do it again now that I have been on the other side of it. It made me feel bad, it made me frightened to realize how"all in" I felt for a guy who has serious emotional problems. Ok, that rant has nothing to do with you -but it shook me up.

One of the cool things about Michael is he hasn't/doesn't do the whole online profile thing. It's true we met online, but not from a dating website. There is something about online dating that makes people behave differently over time. He has a good galpal who is a heavy POF dater - and he has watched her do this for like 7-8 years and it mirrors my experiences and my impressions of about 80percent of the men I met on POF. She is very frustrated and depressed over her love life too.

I cant describe it well, but it has been refreshing to get to know someone who isn't caught up in that hamster wheel - at the same time as my being fed up with it. Downside is I am becoming very enamored with him, and yet his vices make him questionable long term partner material. For now, I am content and happy and just need to watch my emotional attachment.

I do like it alot that I am no longer "dating" but rather seem to have acquired a fun, caring, tall, athletic, good looking, articulate and social, great conversationalist and affectionate....dare I say "boyfriend"? Pinch me, this must be a dream.

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