gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Going to the movies alone is AWESOME.

216.2 lbs, even though my carbs only hit 40 one day, otherwise they have been below 20 for over a week. Thursday morning I was 214.6, now I am 216.2 That is not awesome.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My health problems maybe don't seem severe to some.. but I am struggling emotionally big time with them. It is like I was going along, enjoying my new thinner self then out of the blue - bam - issues!

First, my effing hip. A year ago, I was out hiking most guys and frankly my own 20 something sons! All hikes around here involve steep. Now, due to my severely arthiritic hip, I feel like a fat girl again who can't keep up. It makes me want to cry, so I am just avoiding doing something I LOVE - hike way up to an alpine lake and enjoy the scenery, lunch and wine before hiking back down. in addition, I have actually developed fear of riding my younger more difficult horse. I was a strong rider, but due to my hip, I feel like my body is failing me...

Since the hip started acting up, i feel twinges in my knees. My knees were diagnosed as advanced arthristis about 5 years ago - one of my big motivators for getting sleeved as a matter of fact. It all just makes me feel like crap, makes me feel disabled.. actually makes me feel fat.

So, it needs to be replaced. I am not scared of the surgery, but dammit, I am just so DONE with surgeries for now!

And then, my right breast has swollen for no known reason. I suspect it has to do with a common complication of implants, but who knows, it could be some kind of horrible situation. In the middle of all this, i had a falling out with my primary care doc and had to find a new one. Okay, new doc finally examined me and came to the same conclusions I did. No obvious breast cancer lump. The implant is not hard and mishapen like what can happen it is just about 25% bigger than the left side. Diagnostic mammograms are a bigger deal - cant get in until end of the month. (reminder, my full sister died of breast cancer at age 40 and I am 51).

So, my emotional state has cascaded. I have actually been thinking about getting out of horses. Horses, my horse friends, my horse centered life - has been my anchor since my sis died in 2007. I feel scared to leave it behind, but I feel like I am facing surgeries, facing age, facing alone - and somehow at the moment, it is just all too much.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Sounds like you need your horses more than ever, now. I hear they are excellent therapy animals.

[UK Cathy 977]

I'm glad you shared your medical issues, hope it has helped. Others might of had/have similar issues and might be able to offer practical or personal experiences.

You talk lots about your horses and your life around them and it is obviously a life you enjoy so I would be wary of giving it up. Perhaps the emotional issues are colouring decisions so take time and care.

Like Florinda mentioned I have seen animals used in therapy and it is amazing the response they get from some of our students.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I understand horses as therapy ... I know a fair amount about it. However, those students aren't responsible for caring for and providing for 1200 pound animals - they do a carefully guided ride for perhaps 30 minutes a week. I don't mind caring for them, I find the work pleasant, but I am not sure this is the right direction for me. I have at LEAST 2 more surgeries coming - not counting whatever is going on with my knees. It is overwhelming to figure out how to continually fill in for my own physical shortcomings. I have never felt tied down or restricted by my horses, but when you are facing health problems, the weight of that responsibility becomes daunting.

In addition, I am just bored. I mostly trail ride but was starting to think about doing some fast stuff like riding in a drill team or western games with my younger horse. She is a handful but I think could do it. I don't think I can do it though with my current physical situation... so it is discouraging.

[Chimera 644]

I am so sorry that your health concerns are so overwhelming right now - I can relate. I have severe osteoarthritis in my knees (there is basically no cushion left at all on the left knee) and my right side has always been a mess after a car accident in the late 80's that required ligament reconstruction on the right side and put me out of work for a year - now when I walk my right hip aches, and audibly pops rhythmically when I walk - I just don't even feel like dealing with musculo-skeletal issues right now at all.

So many years of carrying a couple hundred extra lbs really messes up ones body lol. I was really upset when we went on our trip to Whistler this past spring - mind you I have not been on skis in 30 years, and the snow pack was so bad that the new bunny hill was up at the top of the mountain with the Olympic rings right there - translated to " Hi, this is steeper than you could ski when you were young and good at it!" It was exhausting, and I felt like a failure - my knees totally failed me I could make left turns, but I could not hold on to an edge to make right turns and would fall every time. I felt like a huge disappointment to my husband who had been so excited to ski with me - feel like an old lady.

Thanks for sharing your adventures out and about - its awesome to hear what everyone is up to

[UK Cathy 977]

I only own domestic animals and they are enough responsibility so the care and responsibility of your horses must be huge.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Kelly, you are so right. I did this to myself from DECADES of morbid obesity. Just to be clear, I have one really really bad hip (confirmed by xrays, 2nd injection relief only lasted a few weeks), my left hip sometimes twinges so I am guessing it is bad too. Back when I was over 300#, I woke up one morning not being able to walk due to knee pain. They did xrays and the doc said "I only have one question, why doesn't your other knee hurt like hell too?". Yeah... they are both toast. Last fall I developed tendonistis in my left elbow (I am left handed). I had to send my horses somewhere else for 4 months because the farm chores were killing my elbow. During that time, my horses both developed "issues". The older one developed a health problem due to too much mud and the younger developed behavioral issues due to not being handled correctly day in and day out. I lost big time traction on that, and paid for the priviledge! My left elbow still hurts, but by using a brace and being careful, it is managable.

I think I would be less bothered by my joint issues except it's like I FOUND THIS WHOLE LIFE, this active life, this "there are no limits to what I can do" life - only to find that was very short lived! ha. I love it and don't want to give it up and it is not clear to me a way forward.

I do need to change my mindset and get over the negativity.... but then along comes this BREAST issue. One day I woke up and there was a big abrasion which really freaked me out. I figured out that the right breast had grown out of my bras and my delicate skin was being attacked by my bra... so new bras solved that and now it is just an enlarged breast, not an enlarged breast with a wound on it! BTW, it looks good on me and takes up a bit more underarm skin so if I need to get fresh implants, I might go up a size..haha!

I have decided to stick with pursing learning to dance. It does make my hip a tiny bit achy, but nothing compared to hiking or riding or other major activities. I NEED physical things in my life that are FUN.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

215 this morning. Apparently that 214 was just my body being a dick. This is so pathetic.

"I think I would be less bothered by my joint issues except it's like I FOUND THIS WHOLE LIFE, this active life, this "there are no limits to what I can do" life - only to find that was very short lived! ha. I love it and don't want to give it up and it is not clear to me a way forward."

That quote Sheryl, that's it exactly. That is why this inability to lose weight is causing so much anger and almost hatred in me, of me... I got this brief little window into life as a Real Girl, not invisible, invited into all the reindeer games, only for my body to go ha ha, just kidding!! It feels like a G-D betrayal.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Sheryl, I know exactly how you feel. I love hiking and there are so many gorgeous trails in Oregon. Now I can barely walk to my bedroom. I love the gym. I loved lifting weights and feeling strong. I loved having my thighs so toned. Now I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to the gym. I loved to dance too! I loved my ballroom classes. Like I said, now I can barely walk.

 

The scary part is I could end up worse than I am now. They are talking about putting in a plate and screws and cadaver bone and a cage around it all. The risk for infection is a lot higher for people who have had a previous infection. oh great. They said I am looking at a year of recovery. Plus all my post op appointments are now 100 miles away.

 

I've made appointments with a rhuematologist and my Hep C doctor and both  are also 100 miles away. I don't even know if I can get to either of these doctors because if my ins. approves my back surgery, I am not sure if I'll be able to ride in a car.

 

I did have a longer period of being thin and fit before I fell apart but I am still not readyt to give it up.

 

I've decided to stop taking gabapentin to see if it will stop my weight gain. I can't keep gaining weight. i will not be able to deal with the depression.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

so.. I had a super fun night tonight - went 2 step dancing lesson and my randomly assigned partner was the hottest, tall dark and handsome dude in the place and he was so sweet and patient with me too. The Heavens knew I needed that tonight! Two Step dancing is just a comfortable touch way of partner dancing, I felt like I was being gently hugged through most of the hour long lesson. On that note, I am going to take a break from my ongoing pity party.

I have observed some things on this forum that have given me...pause. Alex starts threads to get discussions going and of course he is the site owner, so do as you will... but I find it odd that he is generating those "food porn" type threads. He has one about "worst restaurant meals" which has led people to report all their "former" favorite over indulgent meals. He had another one titled something like "no wonder I wasn't skinny" that also talks about food... in a ... foodie food food kinda way. I personally don't like to read those, I don't watch the cooking channel, I don't obsess over food because I don't need encouragement to be crazy about food! What do you all think about those kind of posts? I admit, I didn't read too far into either one so maybe I am unfairly characterizing them.

[Chimera 644]

Interesting about the posts that are food related - I recognized long ago that I should stay away from that kinda stuff - because I am terribly addicted to eating really bad things with no moderation whatsoever (I almost just typed mozzarella, what does that say haha.)

I do best when my food at home is as boring, routine, and nutrient dense as I can get. My nutritionist mentioned that the more complex recipes are - with more ingredients, it can spur the over-indulge side over an over eater.

I think most of the junk is finally gone, and austerity and the humble egg, chicken breast, and turkey filet will once again reign supreme - along with costco Premier Protein shakes - none of which I abuse by over eating.

Maybe he writes those types of posts to rile folks up? Freak them out? Who knows.

As far as all of our poor skeletons go - we have good company. And as far as getting cheated out of some good stuff in life here's a quote

"Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That is how the light gets in"

~Leonard Cohen

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

That is weird Sheryl about Alex's posts. He never used to post at all. I am just really glad he posted about a doctor with whom he used to work very closely . They  are trying to take this  doctor's license because he has caused so many deaths.

 

Alex and I had a big fight about it because people would report bad experiences there, and Alex would pull the post. He was paid to pull the post. He finally wised up and realized he should in no way be affiliated with this doctor. We just had another big long pm about this subject.

 

My kids are coming this weekend. I am excited to see my little grand daughter. My daughter and sil have a boat and are camped close by, so it should be fun. I'll just go up for the day tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard not to make it a food free  for all, this weekend.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I havent been looking that close to see his posts... I have a well worn trail around these forums, and dont go out of it very often these days... which Dr are you referring too? Going to the cemetary today... a year from my moms death tomorrow... bringing new flowers and meeting with the family for lunch. food and more food! Checking in on the Anti depressants/Celexa...so far so good! felt strange the first week, but feeling good now... it is taking the edge off my sadness... so glad! I know its not supposed to kick in for weeks, but I think I can feel it now. weight staying the same... no gain no loss. still higher than I would like!

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Dr. Almanza. I hope he was not the surgeon for  anybody in this group.  I don't want to cause a big my surgeon's is better than yours argument, but I know for a fact that he has caused deaths because of him, and  his clinic caused so many infections. 

 

It really made me sick way back when. someone would post about their experience with Almanza and how they almost died. The next day it would be gone. I was furious with Alex at that time.

 

I'm leaving for Chicago tomorrow. I'll get their tuesday. Sarah, my cell is 541-297-3249. I hope we can get together. I'll have my lap top so I'll still be checking in here.