sad and tired

[cindymaried 145]

Hi all. I have posted before but a little background. I have been overweight all my life and have tried so many diets that I can't stand that word. My husband got a job that covers wls as long as you do their 6 month program and qualify under their rules. As of now I'm waiting for approval and my surgery date is set for July 29. I am so happy... They started me on a diet of 2 Meal Replacements per day then dinner and 2 Snacks. I have been doing really good besides the 4th and a little too much tonight. Back at it tomorrow. I start my pre op liquid diet the 18th.. Not looking forward to that.

Anyways, this time of year is super hard for me.. We lost our son almost 3 years ago. He was 2. And his birthday is July 9th and he would have been 5 this year. When he passed I gorged on food I couldn't cook, sleep or think. I ate myself to 322 lbs.... I am still so heart broken but I am trying to turn to people for support instead of food. People think I am so strong but that's be a use I hide it and then eat my emotions away... I don't want to be that person. I have 2 other boys who need me around for a long time.. But I just need help. Somewhere to vent and get it out...

I have cried myself to sleep the last 2 nights but I haven't shoved it down with food. I just hope that I can continue this journey and make my little boy proud. RIP Jonny

[need2bthin! 235]

I can't image the pain you feel, not do I ever want to being a mother myself. You are in my prayers and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know ppl say that things get better with time, but I don't think losing a child would ever get better. Have you ever tried a consular? I know you have been strong, but it's okay to cry. Sometimes we just need to let it all out. You will do fabulous, I have faith in you just as your boys do:)

[ncdimps 60]

My heart just breaks for you and your family. I am soo sorry for your loss. You are strong because I know if anything happened to my son I would just die. You will get through this and it will be so worth it all. Good luck with everything.

[hopingtolose2013 81]

Nothing anyone can say can make you feel better. Nothing. It is gteat you arent turning to food! My suggestion is to get a counselor! I know some people hate them but you really really need to talk to someone to work out your emotional eating and the loss of your son. You will be so much more successful if you work on your mental too. I hadbto see one after my dad passed. Not even close to losing a child but the pain was unbearable and I needed help. I can't imagine your pain. I am so so sorry.

[peles28 4]

Thanks for having the courage to type that out. To look outside of yourself for support. That to me is a very hard thing to do. I too have stuffed my feelings down with food after some of life's trauma. Your post reminded me of something I haven't put much thought into yet, and that is how to deal with the flood of emotions to come. A few months ago I went on this super healthy detox type diet. Nothing but raw veggies and fruit type of diet. It only lasted a week! But a few days in I started getting hit with super hard emotions. Some times even just randomly reliving in my mind a very traumatic day 4 years ago when my best friend died while I was trying to save him. Also things I haven't thought about in years from my childhood. It really caught me off gaurd because I am usually an even keel emotionally. Or so I thought. It was in those few days that I actually realized the extent of my numbness. I can acknowledge now something I didn't even realize I was doing. Any moment that is remotely uncomfortable I eat. There may be a huge emotional storm ahead after the coping mechanism of food is stripped away. I saw others mention counseling and I'd like to echo that! If you don't feel up to counseling then think of a few things that you can do that are good for you and rewarding and healthy. Like, taking a walk, meditating, yardwork, etc. Anything you can plan ahead of time to do instead of eat. Or do when your emotions get so overwhelming that you need a release. Some of this we are going to have to just feel though. I really am sorry for what you have gone through. Sometimes there is just no sense to be made of bad things that happen to innocent people. Sometimes the only morsel of peace you can get out of things like this is knowing that if you live through it and make it out stronger then you can maybe help someone else one day. Hang in there and please keep us all posted.

[cindymaried 145]

Thank you. Have I thought about counseling absolutely. But our insurance is ridiculous and makes us pay a 30 copay every visit. As of right now we have no extra money. My husband and I went to marriage counseling not too long after it happened because we were falling apart. But it was just too expensive.

This may be offensive to some but if I believed in church and God I would find a counselor through church but after losing our son I just don't know what to believe in. I have never been a very religious person or believe in organized religion I believe there is a god of some sort and that heaven is real. I do pray but I just can't get past when people say it was Gods plan. Well if that's so I don't like him. The funny thing was about 6 months prior to his death we found a church that we loved. They accepted people for who they were. You didn't have to dress up and they spoke in words you could relate to. Do I miss it... Sometimes and sometimes I wanna go back but I can't bring myself to step foot in the doors. The pastor was the one who did Jonny's funeral and just seeing him reminds me of that day.

Anyways sorry got a little off track... I have seen counselors on and off through out my life. Have never cared much for them. I had one that I enjoyed back about 11 yes ago but she no longer works around here. I do like my sons counselor but like I said I can't afford an extra 30-120 a month depending on the amount of times I go.

It does feel good to type it out here. The whole church thing I haven't really told anyone. It makes me feel better just getting it off my chest.

I know I am ready for this surgery... But I need to find an escape for eating my emotions. I know this site has helped tremendously already...

Thanks again for your kind words and sorry if I offended anyone with the god part of my message.

[hopingtolose2013 81]

Girl...I don't know how people can be offended by your beliefs! Everyone is different. It sounds like you liked the church you attended but its too painful to return. Again, I am not comapring my loss of my father as being anywhere close to what you experieced. I just am giving you my experience. I had those same feelings of trauma and remembrance of my father with our doctors. I had my baby and was dx with congestive heart failure 7 days later. I almost died. After that my father and I saw the same drs. We had the aame general dr and the sane cardiologist. It was hard for me to see them again. I made it and my dad didnt. I cried to them the dirst time we saw each other again. They were both so understanding and sorry. I still see them both. I am telling you this bc the preacher I bet would be more than happy to talk to you for free. He would actually be a great person to speak with. I bet the funeral was hard for him. Its just an option. I felt soo much better after facing the drs and getting out those emotions. I still almost cry everytime I go to the cardiologist, but I love hom too much to switch!!

[buplee 556]

No or can or should fault you for your beliefs or lack there of. I can't imagine your pain and don't know if my words can comfort you. I have gone through things in the past and needed someone to talk to, as my beliefs have shifted dramatically to almost nonexistent. Contact your healthcare company and ask for referrals to mental health provider in your area. I am sorry for your loss and wish you well in life and on your journey.

[Rox 200]

Sometimes just writing and letting others know of your trials can be cathartic. No one has any idea of how you feel unless you let them know. You don't have to be strong anymore - the people of this forum are well versed on stuffing feelings with food - I am sure some of the Veterans have developed coping mechanisms to deal with their feelings, once you're physically unable to stuff your feelings

[SueJH 205]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine there are many people here who can relate to what you are going through. I can only offer a suggestion. Why don't you do something each year to honor the memory of your son? Maybe plant a tree in your yard or something that will get you to physically do something instead of mourning him in solitude? You can do it as a family as well so you don't feel so alone. Do something to honor his beautiful soul.

[PGee 318]

Cindy, sending you cyber hugs.....I can't imagine losing a child as young as Jonny.....nor can I imagine grieving the loss of a child and worry about two little ones at home who need their mommy....

I know of two non-profit support groups (free) I think they both have chapters nationwide and are non religious based, run by people who have walked the walk....their members will all have different stories, each grieve the loss of a child differently, but we all go through similar emotions/situations.

If you want info, send me a PM.....I am currently not a member of any group...but one of them helped me tremendously when we lost our only child 4 years ago.

Remembering him yearly is an awesome idea....a balloon release or butterfly release, plant a tree in his memory....volunteer with the family one day in his honor....donate a book or two in his memory to the local library or women's/children's shelter, have the other children each pick out a book.....or donate a package of diapers to a diaper bank/shelter...a can of food or two to a food bank or Soup kitchen..it doesn't have to be expensive....or making a special family play day to honor his birthday...

If I can be of any help, just PM me. You are not alone [[[hugs]]]

[Molly3 495]

Oh Cindy, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hugs-

Molly

[No game 14,436]

I know what it's like to give into grief. I have suffered a terrible loss that will effect me for the rest if my life....

But at some point we do need to begin to live again and start taking care of ourselves.

I'm glad that you are taking the steps to do that. You deserve to be healthy and to invite some happiness back into your life.

I'm wishing you the best. And we will all be here to help you through.

[cindymaried 145]

I seriously love this place. Than you all for your kind word and prayers and thoughts. I appreciate you all so much.

[leeann71 539]

My heart is breaking for you. I will pray that God will please heal you and your families pain. I am so sorry.