Fear of dating after major weight loss

[OnlyDownFromHere 6]

Just wanted to say, I've discussed this in therapy before. Not just here.

I first looked into weight loss surgery in 2010. I needed it then too! At the time, I looked at the bypass. Thank goodness I didn't end up getting it because I feel the sleeve is better. Beside the whole dumping issue and the malnutrition issue, another big reason I opted not to have the surgery was because I was single and afraid to date again at a normal weight.

Let me explain more. Fast forward to now, I am now in a relationship of over 2 years with my best friend of 7 years. We live together. Neither of us want children and I'm ambivalent about marriage but he wants to stay with me for life. He wanted to be with me when I weighed almost 240 at the time, and he was this 120 lb, thin, multi talented musician who could had good looking girls vying to date him, but he chose me. Now, at almost 290 lb, I am fully ready, mentally and otherwise, for surgery. I do not think if I were single, I could do this.

I guess my worries are/were that I am disgusted with the idea of dating someone who wouldn't give me the time day now at my current weight. I know my boyfriend loves me now and will love me when I am lighter. He is not superficial. I fear if I get this surgery and were single or became single, I could never really date in confidence because I think any and all guys who give me attention at a lighter weight would have never looked my way at a heavier weight. I can't put into words how much it bothers me.

I want to know that the person I'm with will love me at any size, in any condition, as I would them.

I'm very thankful for my boyfriend and his love and his support. I have faith in our relationship but I do dread it not working on the because I don't know if I ever could trust anyone else to love me for me.

Anyone else feel the same way?

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[Globetrotter 1,340]

First of all I want to commend your bravery for posting this very real, and probably very common, fear out there, good for you. Also, there is a thread in the lounge that I started called "attention, I thought that's what I wanted", it addresses some of your fears.

Perhaps I'm an odd duck but, when I was a kid "popular" meant nothing to me. I simply didn't understand that you were *supposed* to want to hang out with people because they were "popular". This concept puzzled me - why would I want to hang out with someone if they weren't my friend? Why was I supposed to want something because someone else wanted it? This was highly illogical to me. I wanted french fries because I liked french fries, not because somebody I didn't know wanted french fries.

the point of my random story is that I apply the same principles to men now. Why would I want someone who doesn't want me? The men who didn't want me when I was obese - it is beside the point of whether or not they would want me now, because fat or thin, I would never want to be with someone that shallow. And it goes in reverse too, there really are men out there who are derogatory to thin women and will only date fat - again, here is a person that is categorizing people based on appearances and not substance and why on earth would I want to be with a person like that?

Now, lets forget the boys for a moment, I was deeply unhappy in my my body mind and heart over the state of my body, I was miserable. I felt trapped, like I was drowning in a sea of fat and couldn't participate in the things I love most about a physical life. How could I expect someone to love me, when I didn't love myself? So, I hold no grudge or animosity toward the hypothetical man who may find this current shell attractive, but who wouldn't have found the other one attractive. THAT is not who I am, THIS is, and I don't want to get obsessed with spilled milk.

Good luck and welcome!

[OnlyDownFromHere 6]

Thanks. I wasn't sure how well my thread would be received.

Like you, I didn't care about being popular when I was younger. I still don't care about it now, really. It's a silly concept.

I certainly don't thrive on male attention. I find men flirting with me now, when I have a boyfriend, gross and unwanted.

I guess I worry, like, if I had to date, how would I weedle out the superficial ones?

And you're right, bottom line, I'm not happy. For many reasons but my weight is a moderately big one. I know I won't be completely happy after the surgery but I will be at least somewhat happier when the weight is gone and I am healthy again. I've missed out on activities I used to enjoy. My boyfriend and I used to bike. Can't do that anymore! Can't ski. Or hunt with my father. He

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[Threetimesacharm 1,400]

Well as a single woman I am not sure how to read your post. I take away that you have very low self esteem as you are worried about if/when you are single again. Are you not secure in your current relationship? Sounds like you are not. Why are you so worried about something that hasn't happened? I am sure that you have heard you have to love yourself before anyone else can. Maybe this is why you think your boyfriend will leave you. If this is a gut feeling you have, be leary, most of the time gut feelings are right. Seek counseling to help you through this. Best of luck.

[OnlyDownFromHere 6]

I'm always aware of the possibility that any relationship can end, any at all. That's just me. I've never felt "Oh we'll never ever break up and be together forever!" I was single before him and also had other relationships but felt fine in that I felt I could use my weight to "screen" guys.

Any relationship has the potential to end and if mine did, I worry that I won't have my weight anymore to weedle out superficial men. That's really about it.

I'm currently working it over in therapy but I feel like my therapist doesn't really know what to say. It's just one of those things I guess.

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[No game 14,436]

I guess the simple answer would be don't date anyone that turned you down when you where fat!

But really when you are dating someone part of the initial attraction is physical! So unless you ask before the first date "how do you feel about fat people?" You really can't know for sure.. So that's what dating is about right? getting to know each other? I would think after a few dates you would be able to know if this person is the kind of person I would like to get to know more on a more intimate level or no..

My husband (whom I will be with forever) met me when I was small and loved me when I was big and still loves me when I'm in between! Did I ask him if he would love me fat all those years ago? No... I didn't have to, I knew from dating him that he was a good and moral man. Not a shallow person whom I would never date long term..

[NewSetOfCurves 1,553]

I have to agree with Laura on this one. When I first started dating my husband I was a size 4. Now I am a size 18 and a 100 pounds heavier. He still loves me and our relationship is better than it was when I was a young skinny girl. People first come together based on initial attraction. Some people are attracted to skinny, some are attracted to full, and others are attracted to big people. I personally am attracted to fuller guys that are muscular. I am not attracted to skinny. I don't think that I am a superficial person, that is just what I am attracted to--I can't help it. Everybody has their own taste. But once you surpass that initial meeting that first attracted you to each other and you discover what's underneath, what's on top doesn't matter anymore because we fall in love with the layers that are beneath the physical aspect of the person; we fall in love with emotional, intellectual and spiritual part of that person.

Don't worry about what could have, would have, or might happen. When you do that you live in your fears and assumptions and you stop life from happening.

Good luck to you. I hope that your relationship with your best friend works out.

[stacechase 251]

What a great topic. Thanks for being brave and sharing your feelings.

I completely understand what you mean. I don't date much, and have only had one long-term relationship in my life (from ages 20-22, I'm 32 now). Every rejection I get, I automatically attribute to my weight. Ever since I was a child, I've thought I was fat (and, of course, looking back at photos now, I realize I wasn't).

I am hoping to get my surgery in August of this year, and I too am very afraid of dating and the idea that suddenly men might be interested in me...might even FLIRT with me...more than before, and because of my weight loss. (I realize that some people say that because you have a better attitude when you lose weight, that can attract more men to you, but I don't necessarily believe that's true). I hold a lot of anger toward men my age in general, and I know it's wrong. It's something I absolutely have to work out in therapy. I know they aren't all bad, but I have had some pretty terrible experiences. I'm the same person inside, and it makes me furious to think that I may finally be "given a chance" just because my body has changed.

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, because I feel the same way that you do! I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I totally get where you're coming from (although you are very, very lucky to have what sounds like such a supportive boyfriend/best friend with you already!) I guess if your current relationship is a good one, try not to think about the "what ifs" -- after all, lots of things (including your mindset) may have changed by then.

Good luck, and again, thanks for sharing.

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

I think I'm struggling to see where your anxiety is coming from.

You're in a committed relationship with a man who loves you for who you are, thick or thin.

He's not only your live in bf he's also your BFF.

You love him.

He wants to be with you forever.

You share the same views on children and marriage.

And you're worried about screening the right guys for dating?

[OnlyDownFromHere 6]

Yep, pretty much. Sadly, nothing in life is guaranteed. You have to give it your all but be prepared for the worst too.

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[NewSetOfCurves 1,553]

I have to agree with Laura on this one. When I first started dating my husband I was a size 4. Now I am a size 18 and a 100 pounds heavier. He still loves me and our relationship is better than it was when I was a young skinny girl. People first come together based on initial attraction. Some people are attracted to skinny' date=' some are attracted to full, and others are attracted to big people. I personally am attracted to fuller guys that are muscular. I am not attracted to skinny. However, I did at one point date a guy that was super skinny because his personality attracted me to him. I don't think that I am a superficial person, thicker guys are just what I am attracted to--I can't help it. Everybody has their own taste. But once you surpass that initial meeting (that first attracted you to each other) and you discover what's underneath, what's on top doesn't matter anymore because we fall in love with the layers that are beneath the physical aspect of the person; we fall in love with emotional, intellectual and spiritual part of that person.

Don't worry about what could have, would have, or might happen. When you do that you live in your fears and assumptions and you stop life from happening.

Good luck to you. I hope that your relationship with your best friend works out.[/quote']

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Sounds like you might need to get a better therapist or one that specializes in eating disorders/body dysmorphia.

[OnlyDownFromHere 6]

My current therapist has worked with patients who have undergone surgery and have needed therapy during that but admittedly it's not her specialty. I like her for other reasons though.

I'm not currently attending a bariatric support group as I am an evening and night worker and it always conflicts with work. So I've never been. Not sure if it would be much help though.

I don't know where to find such a therapist. Obviously I overeat sometimes and have my own issues with food but I am working on that with my therapist... But I do not have an eating disorder. I'm not a binger, nor do I purge or starve myself at any time. Body issues? Sure. I have some serious reservations about being thin again (I was thin through childhood) but I know I have to do this before my health gets even worse and because I want to do certain activities again.

But yeah, I don't know who else to go to.

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[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

Yep' date=' pretty much. Sadly, nothing in life is guaranteed. You have to give it your all but be prepared for the worst too.

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I don't think what you're saying falls in line, at all, with giving your all but preparing for the worst. It is more like misleading/deceiving, whether subconsciously or consciously, your guy and/or setting your relationship(s) up for failure.

Perhaps you struggle with a true understanding of "commitment"?

After reading your post and replies I think you need to rethink what your question/concern should be: Why am I treating a perfectly good relationship this way? Perhaps find a therapist who can help you gain understanding and self awareness and ultimately healing/adjusting.

Until you've grasped that, maybe back burner any and all romantic entanglements.

I just want you to know I'm not saying this to attack but to sincerely offer you feedback on your posed question.

Typically those who are in mutually (you with yourself and him and him with himself and you) fulfilling and committed relationships aren't concerned with how to screen future significant others.

Also, I'm only opining based on what I've read and that is limited. If I'm way off base, chalk it up to Internet communications.

[nursepez 152]

I have to agree with Laura on this one. When I first started dating my husband I was a size 4. Now I am a size 18 and a 100 pounds heavier. He still loves me and our relationship is better than he did when I was a young skinny girl. People first come together based on initial attraction. Some people are attracted to skinny, some are attracted to full, and others are attracted to big people. I personally am attracted to fuller guys that are muscular. I am not attracted to skinny. I don't think that I am a superficial person, that is just what I am attracted to--I can't help it. Everybody has their own taste. But once you surpass that initial meeting that first attracted you to each other and you discover what's underneath, what's on top doesn't matter anymore because we fall in love with the layers that are beneath the physical aspect of the person; we fall in love with emotional, intellectual and spiritual part of that person.

Don't worry about what could have, would have, or might happen. When you do that you live in your fears and assumptions and you stop life from happening.

Good luck to you. I hope that your relationship with your best friend works out.

Nice post Curvy. You said it great.