Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Husbands



Recommended Posts

I am about 10 1/2 weeks out from surgery and have lost 40 pounds. My husband seemed very supportive of me and says he's happy for me and he's proud of me, etc.

We have had sex twice since my surgery. He's been sleeping in another room - which he used to do when I snored which I don't do anymore (or so he tells me).

He doesn't say anything but I think he's annoyed that I don't cook dinner very often anymore and that when I do he ends up eating 80% of it and is gaining weight.

Another thing, my husband is special. He has a brain injury and can't work. HIs memory is horrible and he also can't drive. He hates being trapped at home all day and really hates it when I call him the house husband. HIs brain injury was in 1987 and we got married in 2008. I knew about his physical problems from the start. Maybe that's why it seems like I have a roomate now instead of a husband.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've read that there's something like an 80% divorce rate for people who have WLS. Not that that's whats happening in your case at all, but I guess its from how hard this surgery is on couples. If you're very overweight, I think people tend to settle sometimes, and then when they lose the weight, they start thinking they shouldn't have to settle anymore. This happened with my best friend who had the RNY 7 yrs ago. Her and her husband finally divorced 2 yrs ago. :( Also, expectations change. Maybe your husband feels like hes falling behind in whats important to you? I'm 10 weeks out on Wed and have lost 35lbs. I've been going to the gym almost every evening and that leaves my husband to cook dinner for our son and hes alone a lot. (My husband, not my son, lol) He says he feels lonely. I say I can go in the afternoon, but then I have to pay for the KidsFit area of my gym, but he doesn't want to spend the money so its a no win for me. I think he sometimes feels like hes not part of a big deal in my life anymore, which inst true at all, but I think that's how he feels.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the insight MKambalimath!!

I should mention that I also moved him from Seattle to Dallas because I lost my job and being the only bread winner I had to go where the money was. His family is in Seattle and I think he resents me for that sometimes. He can't do much for himself and maybe he's jealous that I have made such a big step and he isn't my whole world anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, thats deep. I can relate in one way, I don't cook too much anymore my kidz (who are grown) do that I might cook on the weekends but only sometimes. If I can't eat it I don't see why I gotta cook. I wish I can say something positive about the rest but I don't have a husband anymore and I like my freedom, well at least until "The Almighty" brings me someone I can tolerate, (I have no patience)....LOL :rolleyes:

I wish you All The Best with your relationship!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you build a life with someone, especially after so many years, you get to know them as they are - you accept everything about them. After surgery, the only you they ever knew is very rapidly changing into someone that (at least for some) they've never known. That makes some happy, others scared, and for a lot of people, insecure. As large people, many of us were insecure - we need to remember that our spouse/significant others are very involved in our changes after surgery. I wonder if the divorce rate is less for couples who both get the surgery around the same time?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel the same way about cooking. I never liked it anyway, but now that I barely eat any of it, its a lot harder for me to cook it. I know I should, I mean, my sons only 3, but I've definitely been leaving that for my husband lately. I only cook 1-2 times a week now :/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Life does change after our wls. your hubby has a habit of sleeping in the other room, so that may just be a habit. Also you said your hubby has a brain injury. Has he had his testerone tested. This hormone can effect his libido and he might be a little embarrassed or not realize that something is off. Oh and plus there is quite a culture shock going on for both of you. Things have changed in all areas of your life. This would be a great time to sit down and talk about what's going. This is a beginning for the 2 of you. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am about 10 1/2 weeks out from surgery and have lost 40 pounds. My husband seemed very supportive of me and says he's happy for me and he's proud of me, etc.

We have had sex twice since my surgery. He's been sleeping in another room - which he used to do when I snored which I don't do anymore (or so he tells me).

He doesn't say anything but I think he's annoyed that I don't cook dinner very often anymore and that when I do he ends up eating 80% of it and is gaining weight.

Another thing, my husband is special. He has a brain injury and can't work. HIs memory is horrible and he also can't drive. He hates being trapped at home all day and really hates it when I call him the house husband. HIs brain injury was in 1987 and we got married in 2008. I knew about his physical problems from the start. Maybe that's why it seems like I have a roomate now instead of a husband.

Since you put this all out there, I will give you my opinion. We all love giving our opinions, so here it is:

I might suggest just lavishing him with attention and cooked dinners and maybe plan something fun? Or even a "date" right in your own bedroom! ;) ;) Just make him feel special and loved and give your marriage great care right now, especially if things are getting cold and weird. Your husband should never feel like a roommate, no matter how long you've been married. Think of things to compliment him on. Make him feel needed/wanted/loved, and respected without thought of what you may get in return.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you put this all out there, I will give you my opinion. We all love giving our opinions, so here it is:

I might suggest just lavishing him with attention and cooked dinners and maybe plan something fun? Or even a "date" right in your own bedroom! ;) ;) Just make him feel special and loved and give your marriage great care right now, especially if things are getting cold and weird. Your husband should never feel like a roommate, no matter how long you've been married. Think of things to compliment him on. Make him feel needed/wanted/loved, and respected without thought of what you may get in return.

I agree with this. I thik if we are not careful that our spouse can feel we are starting over and they will be left behind.

Marriage truly is hard work, I have been married for 29 years and I have to take time to make it special. Our lives are busy and somedays we lose track of what truly is important. IF you love him and want your marriage to work out, reach out to him NOW. Let him know you care and he is important. Let him know that you need him and want your relationship to be special. Most men do not feel loved unless they feel appreciated. Sometimes we have to work at that :) He probably is also a bit depressed since you have gone through a major life change and he does not have family or friends in the new location. You are probably everything to him and he feels another change is coming.

I hope that you can get it worked out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As a husband I dont plan to stop cooking for my family even though I wont be eating it for quite some time. I dont think its really fair to my wife to stick her with all that responsibility just because I was unable to detach from the buffet for 37 years. I have a feeling a lot of post wls issues come from the fact that there may be a lot of selfishness introduced, most likely unintentionally, that adds a lot of strain that did not exist before.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Its only selfish if you don't do anything else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As a husband I dont plan to stop cooking for my family even though I wont be eating it for quite some time. I dont think its really fair to my wife to stick her with all that responsibility just because I was unable to detach from the buffet for 37 years. I have a feeling a lot of post wls issues come from the fact that there may be a lot of selfishness introduced' date=' most likely unintentionally, that adds a lot of strain that did not exist before.[/quote']

Agreed! It's a fine line between taking time to take care of yourself and totally leaving everyone behind. I personally can't imagine after my surgery being like "I'm eating this not that, so you need to feed yourself and the kid." If thats how you feel, it makes me wonder how the relationship was before surgery. If it's to difficult because you feel tempted to eat things you shouldn't, then you should talk that over with your spouse. I saw that someone said something about settling and I think thats probably the biggest majority for divorces after surgery. I think alot of heavy people settle for a spouse because they dont think they could get or deserve anyone better. When the weight goes and the confidence comes, they see the relationship through different eyes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a great topic my husband has been by my side every step of the way I couldn't imagine my life without him after we been to the doctors the past four months he starts to say your going to leave me for someone who makes more money more educated I'm like WHAT ur crazy I love you he says il going to be getting all kinda is attention. From guys as I do now little does he know I work at a hospital I get hit on all the time even doctors and I stay with him I go out of my way making him Breakfast in bed when I can cooking him dinner rubbing Him all over ;-) lol so I know after WLS I'm going to have to work xtra harder but he should just trust me I never gave him a reason to ever dout me

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like so many Sleevers choose to leave their old life behind, including their responsibilities and relationships with their spouses. Maybe they made that choice a long time ago and associate that life with their old self and can't get away from the sour memories without a clean cut.

I could see it the other way too with a spouse being insecure when their significant other is now so much more "marketable."

For me, my wife is extremely supportive. Then again, I am doing this for both of us, not just me.

I do think there is a lot of selfishness involved. When you share your life with someone and your role has been to help with cooking while the other goes to work, helps with the house, dedicated,to kids sports etc, and you decide you are the one no longer interested without including the other in that decision, then there is selfishness involved.

Sorry, that's just how I see it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting Topic. I brought this up before in another forum not too long ago, but I really do think it's all about pre-WLS relationship happiness and ... Options. Let's just face it.... in the world we live in... if you're obese and do not like how you feel or look, people often settle with the options that are in front of them. However, as you lose weight those insecurities began to decipate and you become confident, and begin to feel good about yourself inside and out...so you attract more.... thereby expanding the amount of Options you have. So if you're unhappy in your relationship, and you have more Options after you lost weight, you're probably going to take the opportunity to go with the other options, if their current situation is not ideal. However, I think that if you made a committment like marriage, you should work hard to maintain that committment, before simply giving into your "other" options.

Just my take on it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • Prdgrdma

      So I guess after gastric bypass surgery, I cant eat flock chips because they are fried???  They sell them on here so I thought I could have them. So high in protein and no carbs.  They don't bother me at all.  Help. 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        It's possible for a very high fat meal to cause dumping in some (30% or so) gastric bypass patients, although it's more likely to be triggered by high sugar, or by the high fat/high sugar combo (think ice cream, donuts). Dietitians will tell you to never do anything that isn't 100% healthy ever again. Realistically, you should aim for a good balance of protein, carbs, and fat each day. Should you eat fried foods every day? No. Is it possible they will make you sick? Maybe. Is it okay to eat some to see what happens and have them for a treat every now and again? Yes.

    • NovelTee

      I'm not at all hungry on this liquid pre-op diet, but I miss the sensation of chewing. It's been about two weeks––surgery is in two days––and I can't imagine how I'll feel a couple of weeks post-op. Tonight, I randomly stumbled upon a mukbang channel on YouTube, and it was strangely soothing... is it just me, or is this a thing? 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        I actually watched cooking shows during my pre-op, like Great British Baking Show. It was a little bizarre, but didn't make me hungry. I think it was also soothing in a way.

    • Clueless_girl

      How do you figure out what your ideal weight should be? I've had a figure in my head for years, but after 3 mths of recovery I'm already almost there. So maybe my goal should be lower?
      · 3 replies
      1. NickelChip

        Well, there is actually a formula for "Ideal Body Weight" and you can use a calculator to figure it out for you. This one also does an adjusted weight for a person who starts out overweight or obese. https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/68/ideal-body-weight-adjusted-body-weight

        I would use that as a starting point, and then just see how you feel as you lose. How you look and feel is more important than a number.

      2. Clueless_girl

        I did find different calculators but I couldn't find any that accounted for body frame. But you're right, it is just a number. It was just disheartening to see that although I lost 60% of my excess weight, it's still not in the "normal/healthy" range..

      3. NickelChip

        I think it's important to remember that the weight charts and BMI ranges were developed a very long time ago and only intended to be applied to people who have never been overweight or obese. Those numbers aren't for us. When you are larger, especially for a long time, your body develops extra bone to support the weight. Your organs get a little bigger to handle the extra mass. Your entire infrastructure increases so you can support and function with the extra weight. That doesn't all go away just because you burn off the excess fat. If you still had a pair of jeans from your skinniest point in life and then lost weight to get to the exact number on the scale you were when those jeans fit you, chances are they would be a little baggy now because you would actually be thinner than you were, even though the scale and the BMI chart disagree. When in doubt, listen to the jeans, not the scale!

    • Aunty Mamo

      Tomorrow marks two weeks since surgery day and while I'm feeling remarkably well and going about just about every normal activity, I did wind up with a surface abscess on on of my incision sights and was put on an antibiotic that made me so impacted that it took me more than two hours to eliminate yesterday and scared the hell out of me. Now there's Miralax in all my beverages that aren't Smooth Move tea. I cannot experience that again. I shouldn't have to take Ativan to go to the lady's. I really looking forward to my body getting with the program again. 
      I'm in day three of the "puree" stage of eating and despite the strange textures, all of the savory flavors seem decadent. 
      I timed this surgery so that I'd be recovering during my spring break. That was a good plan. Today is a state holiday and the final day of break. I feel really strong to return to school tomorrow. 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • BeanitoDiego

      Now that I'm in maintenance mode, I'm getting a into a routine for my meals. Every day, I start out with 8-16 ounces of water, and then a proffee, which I have come to look forward to even the night before. My proffees are simply a black coffee with a protein powder added. There are three products that I cycle through: Premier Vanilla, Orgain Vanilla, and Dymatize Vanilla.
      For second breakfast on workdays, I will have a low-fat yogurt with two tablespoons of PBFit and two teaspoons of no sugar added dried cherries. I will have ingested 35-45 grams of protein at this point between the two breakfasts, with 250-285 calories, and about 20 carbs.
      For second breakfast on non-workdays, I will prepare two servings of plain, instant oatmeal with a tablespoon of an olive oil-based spread. This means I will have had 34 grams of protein, 365 calories, and 38 carbs. Non-workdays are when I am being very active with training sessions, so I allow myself more carbohydrate fuel.
      Snacks on any day are always mixed nuts, even when I am travelling. I will have 0.2 cups of a blend that I make myself. It consists of dry roasted peanuts, cashews, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, pistachios, and Brazil nuts. This is 5 grams of protein, 163 calories, and 7 carbs.
      Breakfast and snacks have been the easiest to nail down. Lunch and dinner have more variables, and I prepare enough for leftovers. I concentrate on protein first, and then add vegetables. Typically tempeh, tofu, or Field Roast products with roasted or sautéed vegetables. Today, I will be eating leftovers from last night. Two ounces of tempeh with four ounces of roasted vegetables that consist of red and yellow sweet peppers, sweet potatoes, small purple potatoes, zucchini, and carrots. I will add a tablespoon of olive oil-based spread, break up 3 walnuts to sprinkle of top, and garnish with two tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese. This particular meal will be 19 grams of protein, 377 calories, and 28 grams of carbs. Bear in mind that I do eat more carbs when I am not working, and I focus on ingesting healthy carbs instead of breads/crackers/chips/crisps.
      It's a helluva journey and I'm thankful to be on it!
       
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×