Insentive Boyfriend

[Iliana82 84]

So I was sleeved on Feb 8th. My mom is in town to take care of me but at the same time I want her to have a nice time. My mom is really good at putting my needs first and taking care of me. My boyfriend last night asked me if I could get his phone charger. Mind you I was already in bed and it's super hard to get up from bed cause of abdominal pain. I said ok thinking he was just kidding, he wasn't. Now luckily I have brought juice and Water on our "outing" but I really want some broth. I am hungry. He decides to overrule my Panera choice (I was planning on having the chicken noodle broth) by going to a hamburger joint. I have to sit here and stare at them eat... Once again... Did this yesterday... I am starting to lose my patience with him. I don't wanna blow up but I might.

[creed812 3]

My husband is kinda like this, but I just keep remembering how bad I want this weight off and how good I'm gonna look so I can get through anything.

[IowaAndy 95]

Well he is a man......I would talk with him and tell him that it would be nice if you could go and eat somewhere that you could also enjoy something to eat. You mother will always be your mother but boyfriends come and go. If this is the way he is going to treat you then I think you have a lot to think about. Was he treating you this way before the surgery. Maybe he is afraid that you will lose a lot of weight and leave him for someone else. Think that it is a time for a talk.......

[carbgrl 119]

My husband too. I'm 3 days post op and he ate a big cookie frosting sandwich right next to me. He also got some Breakfast cookie things ate them in front of me and told me how great they are. It was almost as if he's doing it on purpose for me to see all the stuff I can't have. He even asked if I was going to make him a big chocolate cake for Valentines day. Since I'm going to be off work and all. He's diabetic. He doesn't needed it either. We were trying to decide where to eat and he said he didn't want to eat Mexican. That's about the only resturant type I know I can get chicken broth Soup. Most other resturants (that I know of) have thick cream type Soups, cheese & broccoli, potato.. I'm sure they will all be great in a few more days/weeks. After I explained I can't eat creamy soups he finally agreed to go to a Mexican resturaunt. When at a big heavy door, I have to stand there and wait for him to open the door. Why doesn't he just automatically just open it for me?

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Men! They Just don't think! I am so lucky, my dh has been very considerate to me. He opens doors, ask me where I want to go eat. Gets things for me. I feel so blessed right now. Of course he's not perfect and I know that.

Iliana` sit down with your boyfriend and tell him what you need. Don't get up and get him things, he can do that for himself. If he is being inconsiderate about places to eat, tell him to take you home, that he's being rude and you won't except that treatment. You are going through alot and need to take care of yourself. He should be treating you like a princess bc he's so lucky to have you.

[Lissa 2,631]

I'm not the best person for relationship advice, but all I can suggest is to tell them what you need. If you don't speak up and say "I need to eat somewhere that has soup/soft foods available", then he has no real clue that it is important to you. As for hubby eating sweet crap in front of you, he may be thinking that it's not a big deal. If it really is a big deal, then tell him.

Iliana, your boyfriend is used to you catering to him, probably. So, he's just acting like he normally does. He's not going to be as supportive as your mom, but he's also not going to smother you with attention in a few weeks and drive you nuts trying to tell you what you should be doing at that point. Mom might.

Right after surgery it's really tough to express what you want and need in a loving manner and, usually, men aren't as aware of what we need as they could be. Most of us really do cater to our men so much that when the status quo changes, even temporarily, they are in a state of shock. That's the reason movies like "Mr. Mom" are so funny. While we'd like it if they could anticipate our needs and wishes, the only way to do that is for us to communicate because they are not mind readers.

Maybe the guys aren't so much "insensitive" as "clueless". If you were dating women, they would probably do a better job of researching what you need, but that's not how most men work. If your guy is a WLS patient himself, he might get it better than the average guy, simply because he's been through it himself.

I'm not bashing either side, just saying that sometimes we just have to open our mouths instead of just suffering in silence. It's not good to suffer in silence. It just breeds resentment and angst.

[DebiC 181]

It's not uncommon for our Significant Others (and sometimes friends and family) to sabotage any diet plans. Or for that matter any types of changes we might make. They feel threatened. If you lose weight you might leave them (actually this happens a lot-but don't tell them that!) or sometimes it's a control issue (many obese people are in relationships where they allow the partner to control them-due to low self esteem), sometimes it's jealousy (if they need to lose weight also).

Lissa (and the others) are right that your first step needs to be to talk to him, Then if that doesn't work you probably need to take a look at your overall relationship. Is he supportive in other ways? Is he controlling in other ways?

This program is too hard, too emotionally draining, and too expensive to allow ANYONE to sabotage you.

[Iliana82 84]

Thanks everyone. Glad I am not the only one. I did pull him aside after dinner and spoke up. I told him how i felt and reminded him of my post op diet, importance of hydration and not lifting heavy things. He said he understood but we will see. Men. thanks ladies!!!

[Iliana82 84]

He isn't controlling or anything like that. But he has gained a couple of pounds that I know are bugging him. But he refuses to eat less or be on a diet. He says all he has to do is work out, but he is almost 40 now and well just working out isn't cutting it.

[shellee 0]

ugh men...hmm maybe you should fix dinner every night "BROTH" since thats all you can have right now and serve him up a big bowl of and! lol

I'm on stage 3 now and I'm pretty much making what I can have for meals my family may get tired of having soft foods soon but oh well I'm the cook, lol

So i'll say to you what I say to my own friends if they bring negativity and pain to you "bounce em like a bad check".

Good Luck and dont let his bad attitude get you down this is a very hard life change to go through and everyone is right in here you need all the support you can get.

[Shelly-NO-Belly 15]

I'm 2 weeks post-op on Tuesday. Luckily my fiance is really understanding and has been doing a majority of his "bad eating" at his parents house or at least asks if it would bother me if he made something to eat.

However, just yesterday my mother and brother just about set me off. They are 2 of my biggest cheerleaders- yet, while we were out getting my niece fitted for her bridesmaid dress, they decide to tell me they planned on having lunch. At TGIF's none the less (I REALLY love that place). I had to put my foot down and explain to them how unfair that was to put me through that right now. I mean, I realize other people eat, but I asked that they drop me off at home first. Just be honest and don't be scared to speak up. People want to assume that it is easy because we "shouldn't be hungry", but a liquid diet doesn't really fill the smallest of stomachs up for very long. Just talk to him. I'm sure he doesn't realize what he is doing.

[CAsleeve 56]

My first thought reading your post, without reading others replies, is...What a selfish jerk (well I would give him another title, but might get flagged). He's your boyfriend? You are a strong woman and I wouldn't put up with that sort of disrespect. He's disrespectful to you, your health and well-being. If you don't have respect, and you have to show it for yourself and not be manipulated, then it is not a healthy relationship. Bag it before you get any more involved. Just sayin'. Take care of yourself first and time for yourself. Can't hurt a thing.

One Love.

[Pookeyism 1,143]

Not sure what to say about it. I wouldn't do anything u don't feellike doing and definately would not let anyone make you got a fast food place...just how did he overule you? Sorry it just get my hackles up when I hear something like that. I am not particularly diplomatic when I feel my needs are being overlooked, lol.

I probably would have told him see u later going to panera!

[Caradina 65]

I had a similar issue after getting a laproscopic hysterectomy this last summer. I'm expecting that my recovery from my sleeve will be the same. We were moving at the time, and as my surgery was an emergency, it fell in the middle of the last minute packing and unpacking and cleaning..... He yelled at me for not doing anything until I got so sick of it that I overdid it and ended up bedridden for days. It's NOT worth it. Just put yourself first. If they can't see the need for that, that is their problem, not yours.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,280]

So I was sleeved on Feb 8th. My mom is in town to take care of me but at the same time I want her to have a nice time. My mom is really good at putting my needs first and taking care of me. My boyfriend last night asked me if I could get his phone charger. Mind you I was already in bed and it's super hard to get up from bed cause of abdominal pain. I said ok thinking he was just kidding, he wasn't. Now luckily I have brought juice and Water on our "outing" but I really want some broth. I am hungry. He decides to overrule my Panera choice (I was planning on having the chicken noodle broth) by going to a hamburger joint. I have to sit here and stare at them eat... Once again... Did this yesterday... I am starting to lose my patience with him. I don't wanna blow up but I might.

Thanks everyone. Glad I am not the only one. I did pull him aside after dinner and spoke up. I told him how i felt and reminded him of my post op diet, importance of hydration and not lifting heavy things. He said he understood but we will see. Men. thanks ladies!!!

I'm so glad you spoke up and out! Sometimes thats all that really needs to happen. I do think though he WAS being insensitive, but he's not going to know what you're feeling or thinking unless you express it.

I feel women put way too much emphasis on expecting a man to just know what we want. They don't and the sooner any woman in a relationship figures this out, the better their relationships will be. Either that or at least the woman will realize that she really is with a bum and it's time to go, rather than spend years wasted on a guy that's just not worthy of her.

Heal well, and I do hope things will turn around now that you've said your peace. :smile1:

My husband too. I'm 3 days post op and he ate a big cookie frosting sandwich right next to me. He also got some Breakfast cookie things ate them in front of me and told me how great they are. It was almost as if he's doing it on purpose for me to see all the stuff I can't have. He even asked if I was going to make him a big chocolate cake for Valentines day. Since I'm going to be off work and all. He's diabetic. He doesn't needed it either. We were trying to decide where to eat and he said he didn't want to eat Mexican. That's about the only resturant type I know I can get chicken broth Soup. Most other resturants (that I know of) have thick cream type Soups, cheese & broccoli, potato.. I'm sure they will all be great in a few more days/weeks. After I explained I can't eat creamy Soups he finally agreed to go to a Mexican resturaunt. When at a big heavy door, I have to stand there and wait for him to open the door. Why doesn't he just automatically just open it for me?

If that were my hubby I'd flat out tell him NO, I am NOT fixing you a chocolate cake for Valentines Day. If he asked why not, I'd tell him that he is diabetic and I love him enough not to.

In answer to your questions, why don't you ask him why he doesn't do those things for you. I've actually told my husband that before many years ago when we first got together. I had no shame, and I expected to be treated like a lady because that's exactly what I am. He answered me that undoubtedly yes, I am a lady - needless to say we never had to have that conversation again.

Good luck to you!

I had a similar issue after getting a laproscopic hysterectomy this last summer. I'm expecting that my recovery from my sleeve will be the same. We were moving at the time, and as my surgery was an emergency, it fell in the middle of the last minute packing and unpacking and cleaning..... He yelled at me for not doing anything until I got so sick of it that I overdid it and ended up bedridden for days. It's NOT worth it. Just put yourself first. If they can't see the need for that, that is their problem, not yours.

I have to comment on this, and maybe it can be seen as a bit harsh but the truth is the truth. Yelling at you is considered mental abuse. I know it, I lived it with my Mom and Stepdad growing up.

As you lose weight and gain confidence you will see what I mean, and I do hope that if he can't change then you will see to it that you find yourself looking for it elsewhere.