My Wife Is Jealous And Resentful Of My Gastric Sleeve Success.

[Paul11011 372]

I have an interesting predicament. My wife was fully in favor of me getting the sleeve. She had been trying to get me to have WLS for a year before I finally admitted to myself that it was the right thing to do for me. Every step of the way she has been supportive and encouraging. She has been the one that has taken my progress photos and seen how incredibly life changing this has been for me. She is very happy that I had this surgery.

She is also trying to lose weight. She determined that she would not be the fat wife. We had always been a heavier couple, me much more so than her. She has done a terrific job following a better diet and exercising. She has lost approximately 50lbs in 8 months as a result. She is also right by my side when I meet people that comment on my weight loss and want to hear about my story. She is there for the excitement such as was expressed by a lady at church this morning that was so happy to see me "melting away" while ending the greeting by telling my wife that she "looked good too". She has heard me talk about the loss of cravings, how even when I want to eat more I'm limited physically and how what I call "hunger" now is no where near what it was before surgery.

She is supportive and would not wish me to fail, yet she is struggling with how successful I've been, with the attention I am getting and feels cheated that she, in her opinion, has to work so much harder for the loss she sees. I do everything I can to reinforced to her how wonderful I think she is and how great she has done. It is little to no comfort for her. She has told me that seeing me be as successful, with no real difficulties, has made it that much harder for her as she tries to lose. She has become resentful and jealous of how well the sleeve has worked for me.

She tells me that another compounding effect of this comes in that i have a surgical support group I attend weekly and a couple great outlets for on line support, where she feels left alone in a situation that not many can relate too. Even on the forums that I frequent, there really is not a great spouse support structure, let alone a spouse trying to loose weight while seeing her husband virtually disappear. I have known for some time that she was getting sick of hearing my stories and being around for the "OMG you look so good" comments so I have not been sharing some things with her. I see no use in "rubbing her nose" in my good fortune. This is yet another thorn in her side because I now seem to want to "keep this part of my life separate". Well yeah, duh, you don't want to hear about it and it makes you feel worse about yourself and makes you resent me. No **** I don't want to tell her about successes. Oh and as a side note I really enjoy talking to others about this process, love helping other WLS patients with whatever information I can provide for them and would like nothing more to be able to have a career working with WLS support groups.

I feel like I'm living in the quintessential catch 22. I don't know if there are any answers or anything I can do to make the situation better, but I'd sure love some input. Thanks for reading my rant.

[SKCUNNINGHAM 298]

Any chance of your wife having the surgery? That would be a great shared experience for the two of you. If not, I would recommend marriage counseling ASAP, or individual counseling for your wife. This unresolved jealousy could destroy your relationship. The statistics of divorce after weight loss surgery are not good (but divorce statistics in general are not good).

[Tiffykins 672]

Paul, you've had an amazing journey, and I can only imagine how your wife feels. I don't have any great advice, or words to really help. But, I want you to know that "living in the catch 22" isn't good for either of you. Maybe some counseling sessions individually and together would help work through these emotions. I know that I would probably feel the same as your wife is we (my husband and I) were in the same situation. I always hated that he could eat whatever, in whatever portion, and never gain an ounce. He was always encouraging in my "diet" attempts, tried to get me to work out with him, but then I would get so discouraged because he could do it so much "better" and never struggled.

[longer-life 139]

She tells me that another compounding effect of this comes in that i have a surgical support group I attend weekly and a couple great outlets for on line support, where she feels left alone in a situation that not many can relate too.

Perhaps joining Weight Watchers, a gym or the like where she doesn't feel alone during her weight loss journey might help. However counseling as the others have pointed out is an even better idea. Best wishes!

[To Be Thin 2011 80]

Hello Paul,

I wish you and your wife the best, as the above posts mention - jealousy can raise such havic...

I just wanted to say congratulations to you - what a wonderful inspiration you are to all of us as proof the sleeve can work! Wonderful! and good luck hitting your goal, you are so close!!!

[MegInNOLA 531]

Hi Paul!

I may be one of the few people here who have been in your wife's shoes--my husband was sleeved in April of 2010. He had NO problems with anything after surgery and quickly (well, it seemed like lightning to me at the time but was probably 6 months) lost 115 pounds. People were always coming up, exclaiming over him, bragging on him, etc. I was 100% supportive of his decision to have the surgery, but I, too, determined not to be the "fat wife." I spent last spring/summer "on a diet" and lost a total of 30 pounds and was the recipient of a few "Oh, you look good, too, but doesn't he look fabulous!" remarks.

It was hard. It was super hard. NOT because I was jealous of him--I was thrilled that the surgery had worked so well for him. I was mad at the situation of me still being fat, and hearing everyone celebrating how great my husband looked while I still felt fat and unattractive was not fun.

My husband was pretty interested in my having the surgery, too, not for looks but for long-term health. I resisted like a crazy person--because it seemed--get this--like taking the "easy way out"!! I know it isn't, now, believe me I know, but at the time, that's what I thought. It took a lot of soul-searching and researching and visiting with another friend who had had the sleeve to make me even start thinking about it, and I didn't tell my husband I was considering it for myself until well into the process because I didn't want to get his hopes up if I changed my mind.

I found out, of course, that this is just a tool--it's no easy way out. I had a much harder recovery and "back to normal" process than he did, and I still struggle with limited food selection and small meals, etc. while he seems to eat "normal" portions of whatever he feels like having. But we're both healthier and fitter and thinner, and our marriage is stronger than ever.

I don't know if your wife is considering the surgery; if she is, support but don't push--the more my husband wanted to talk about it, the more I absolutely dug in that I wasn't going to consider it--I wanted to do things "my way," and surgery felt like "his way." At the time, I didn't realize how convoluted that reasoning was, but eventually I got there. I don't think she's mad at you--I think she just wants to feel better herself, and it's HARD when someone has that and the partner doesn't.

Hugs to both of you!!

Meg

[Paul11011 372]

Thank you all for your comments and support. My wife is not a surgical candidate since she has lost the 50lbs on her own. She originally had about 100 lbs to lose and since she's lost 50 already, she would not be a candidate based on BMI, lack of co morbidities, etc.

I met with the behaviorist at my surgical center today and he was very helpful. He provided some very valuable insight and some great suggestions. Ultimately though he helped me to realize that the feelings she is having, while connected to my choice to have surgery, are not my fault. I full understand the struggle she is having, I just never imagined it would happen.

Meg, thank you for sharing your view with me. It's encouraging to know that this does happen with others and we're not an isolated case.

[Papa Jack 86]

Get her to gain her weight back & get the surgery. Read the book Rethinking -Thin. It explains about eating & studies that have been done on people like us for the last 100 years.. There has never been a study that showed diets can keep the weight off. 97% of the people gain there weight back & more. The only answer right now IS surgery.

It's not her fault. The book explains there is a set point in your brain how much you should weigh. It fights you the whole way if you try to lose weight. This is why it is so hard. Has nothing to do with will power.

She is fighting her body & do not know it. The book is in paper back from Amazon.< /p>

[indecidedgirl 0]

^{i need some feedback on some one who has been sleeved who has asthma and takes steroids after surgery and i know it sounds like a dumb question but how do u treat your colds since the pills youre allowed to take are so limited? im 16 days away from getting surgery and did not like the fact that they underlined in red and capital letters the words for the rest of your life no advil motrin or ibuprofen since i get migranes and im concerned about pneumonia since i get very bad colds in the winter time and have had several episodes of pneumonia i am terrified and feel like not getting surgery because it feels too drastic}

[Papa Jack 86]

^{i need some feedback on some one who has been sleeved who has asthma and takes steroids after surgery and i know it sounds like a dumb question but how do u treat your colds since the pills youre allowed to take are so limited? im 16 days away from getting surgery and did not like the fact that they underlined in red and capital letters the words for the rest of your life no advil motrin or ibuprofen since i get migranes and im concerned about pneumonia since i get very bad colds in the winter time and have had several episodes of pneumonia i am terrified and feel like not getting surgery because it feels too drastic}

You need to talk to your doctor. Those should not be answered here.

[M2G 1,836]

Paul, I am sorry you are going through this. I can totally imagine how hard this must be on your wife, and how hard it is for you feeling as if you can't "share" your triumphs over the obesity battle with her for fear of upsetting her.

I must say, however, that even if she did have 100lbs to lose and had the surgery and lost weight right along next to you, I am guessing YOU would still get all the AMAZING comments while she would get a couple of "you look good too" type of comments. I say this from personal experience. I was sleeved 5 months before my husband was sleeved and while I've lost nearly -80lbs, he is at the -55lb mark and I tell you what, people go crazy over how good HE looks and then they almost always toss in something about me (sort of after the fact, or after they have picked themselves up off the floor upon seeing him...lol.)

So here is what I think. I think that in our society it is WAY more socially acceptable to comment on a MAN'S wieght-loss vs. a WOMAN'S weight-loss. I think the average person doesn't DARE comment on a woman's weight in front of them (behind their back is a whole different animal...) but as a society, there is a huge social stigma around commenting on a woman's weight. The whole "do I look fat" stuff has seeped into our culture and any person (man or woman) would have to be a fool to make some sort of OPEN COMMENT about a WOMAN'S weight. Follow me?

And as for the support stuff and talking about WLS or any type of weight-loss, I hear you on that one. I joined this community about a year ago and have been a regular ever since. While my husband, though he is sleeved, doesn't have the inclination or time or feel that it is as necessary as I do. I too have gone to monthly support groups and enjoy going while it is more of a struggle to get my DH to go (he's been sleeved 6 months and has attended precisely 2 support groups, lol.) So I think that is just a personal preference. HOWEVER, it is a problem IF SHE sees it as a problem. I would try to see if she would enjoy going to a support group with you and if she is NOT interested, then that is fine, but she needs to let you have that support. It's not something to be jealous about...she needs to place it in the same category as if it were a hobby of yours that she herself has no interest in.

It is definitely time for you guys to have some dialog wether by yourself or in front of a non-interested 3rd party like a counselor or pastor or something similar. She needs to have an outlet for dealing with the jealous feelings that she is having, but in my opinion, she needs to have her pity party, air her frustrations and then move on. She can't keep on being jealous over something that you have done to improve the quality of your life. Again, that is just my opinion.

[pumpkin07 32]

From what I can see, you lost a heck of a lot of weight. Not that you should want to rub it in her face but dangit, you finally found what works for you and you are excited. Don't let her poo poo that in any way. Her issues with her own weight are separate and are her own. It is great she lost 50 of the 100 and she needs to see the glass is half empty and that is a good/great thing. She is halfway there!

I'm sure it changes the dynamics of the relationship, but it sounds like you want to be happy and have worked hard for it. Being overweight is just awful,, and unfortunately it creates scenarios where many of our relationships are built around food. Just like an alcoholic likes to drink with drinkers. Smokers with smokers...

She probably misses her old food buddy, but she needs to find her peace with your new gorgeousness!

[Lila21 36]

I have to say, I think M2G makes a great point. I often see people noticing I've lost weight (like they'll do a double-take), and then I can see that they struggle about what to say. And often, they will say nothing at all. I think it is definitely a case of them trying to be polite and not comment on my weight, and I think for men it is less of an issue. I definitely recommend that you share this insight with your wife because it is something that I think is pretty common.

As to jealousy, I understand that one, too. My boyfriend was always rail thin no matter what he ate, and I have definitely experienced some jealousy over his fast metabolism when my own weight loss was slow. Now that I am sleeved, I don't feel jealous :-). But, I can understand the frustration, for sure! Just remember that it's a personal issue for her, and that even though it's hard for her, she is still really proud of you. She just has her own issues to work through as well!

[Paul11011 372]

Thank you all for your re[lies. We are in the process of working through the issue and have had some good conversations.

[DreamLife36 6]

Paul, I just want to say congratulations on your weight loss. I'm sure your wife is proud of you, yet struggling with her own diet. The one thing I can say is be fully supportive. I know some previous poster have said that it's your wife's issue not yours but honestly I don't think this way. Whatever you can do to insure your wife's success would be the best approach. If my husban has an issue, our family has an issue. My husband is not an island neither are my kids or myself. We depend on each other. And if one of us isn't successful we rally around with love and support to insure total success of the family.

Best of luck to you.