Desperate for support from my Husband to have VSG

[HappyFace 5]

Hello! I'm so excited about the changes that await me in life after having the VSG. My only wish is that my husband would support me, even if he doesn't agree with bariatric surgery. My family & friends, even those that don't agree are still supportive. When I told him I was considering the procedure he got very upset. He said he didn't want me to die on the operating table. Understand that my husband doesn't even like to take an aspirin & he has been physically fit all his life-he used to play semi-pro basketball. When I bring it up in conversation, it immediately goes awry. My husband is dead set on me not getting this surgery because he feels that I haven't done all that I can to try to lose weight on my own. He thinks that I will be more proud of myself if I do it on my own. He's willing to change his eating habits, exercise with me & pray with me to achieve my goal; however, I want the surgery-period point blank. I told him that I would be doing it anyway, but I would love for him to be there to hold my hand before surgery. He said no. My heart is aching because I want to be a good wife & not cause chaos in my marriage, but I know the VSG is the answer to my prayers in ending this 35yr battle. Any suggestions?

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,280]

Hmmm well... this is always a very touchy and heartbreaking subject. I can offer up my *hugs* and tell you, if you truly feel 110% that this surgery is the answer for you, then you just have to do it.

Only things I can suggest is to sit down one on one with your husband and go over all the reasons on why you feel this is your only option to cure your battle with your weight. If he is the type that doesn't listen to reason, maybe you can write out a long letter to him, so he really has no choice but to hear you out.

Also, would he be willing to join you on a free seminar? Sometimes the biggest culprit in all this is simple ingnorance. Not knowing all the details and what to expect can be quite frightening.

I hope all works out for you. Please let us know how it works out for you!!

[Luanne 32]

In 2008, I did it "the right way" with doctor-supervised exercise, food diary, & Phentermine (as per my insurance wanted towards WLS) = I lost about 90 lbs in a year & a half. In 2010, through helping my 94 yr old Dad pass & grief, I slowly gained 20 back. Then a young friend committed suicide that put me in a tailspin & plummeted on 45 lbs in a matter of 2 months. That's when I said enough was enough and I needed surgery to help "control" my binging. Yes "bigsexy" I was very proud & pleased to have the lost the weight on my own ~ as over many years, many pounds lost & gained! My regret was that I did not pursue the VSG surgery after my 90lb weightloss.

The VSG "FREEDOM" just reinforces my eating habits and helps me make better choices. My weightloss has been slow but that's ok as there are extenuating circumstances. Hopefully your husband will see that surgery is just a tool to help you be a healthier & happier person. Mine said, "Oh great...now you'll never cook!" Good luck.

[myrori 55]

Hello! I'm so excited about the changes that await me in life after having the VSG. My only wish is that my husband would support me, even if he doesn't agree with bariatric surgery. My family & friends, even those that don't agree are still supportive. When I told him I was considering the procedure he got very upset. He said he didn't want me to die on the operating table. Understand that my husband doesn't even like to take an aspirin & he has been physically fit all his life-he used to play semi-pro basketball. When I bring it up in conversation, it immediately goes awry. My husband is dead set on me not getting this surgery because he feels that I haven't done all that I can to try to lose weight on my own. He thinks that I will be more proud of myself if I do it on my own. He's willing to change his eating habits, exercise with me & pray with me to achieve my goal; however, I want the surgery-period point blank. I told him that I would be doing it anyway, but I would love for him to be there to hold my hand before surgery. He said no. My heart is aching because I want to be a good wife & not cause chaos in my marriage, but I know the VSG is the answer to my prayers in ending this 35yr battle. Any suggestions?

First off, weather or not you have surgery. YOU ARE STILL LOSING WEIGHT ON YOUR OWN! It is a tool, how many times in his sports has he used aids that make his game better or a splint or brace?

With that said, my husband has never been against the surgery, but he has never been the least bit supportive. Now even if he was against it, it would not have stopped me, I am too head strong and IT IS MY BODY to do what I want with.

I think he more scared of you changing then dying and he projects on the procedure itsself.

Chances of dying are really low, and while it is a major surgery, it also a very basic procedure and a fast one.

[TheSweetesThing84 0]

I say do whats right for you! How can an unhappy woman make a happy wife. And sometime its not losing the weight thats the problem, its keeping off! If this is really what you want to do stand firm. Like the above posts, Maybe you should educate him about the procedure, The death rate is very low, plus you have more chance of dying due to obesity and all the diseases it causes. Like you said your husband has always been physically fit, so will he really every fully understand and if he doesn't I say for him to support you regardless. If he sees that this is something you are serious about do what you have to do. A man comes a dime a dozen, but you only get one life! In saying that, this is your husband, he needs to be a bit more supportive outright saying NO is not an option, unless its your decision. In the end just make the best decision for you....Good luck!

[ybnormal 21]

I'm seriously not here to judge anyone but I honestly would hate to see a marriage end because of this. Not just because it's a marriage (as if that's not enough) but it seems to be a very religious topic for you both as well, since you mentioned prayer. It would be a bit different if, like some, your marriage was on the rocks. This is a major decision and hard as heck on a good day but with not only no support but total opposition, dang, this would be a very hard thing to do.

On the other hand, I don't do well with ultimatums and especially one as blatantly controlling as "do it my way or do it alone!". Only you can decide what is right for you, I can only say what is or isn't right for me.

I hope the prayers work

Renee`

[trizzy35 50]

My husband has some of the same issues. He keeps telling me he doesn't want me to die, he can't live without me, the kids would suffer, etc.... I told him that if I can't have the surgery I would probably get diabetes, have a heart attack or stroke, or shave about 10-15 years off my life. If I had the surgery: I could play more with the kids, be more active with him (walking, hiking), feel better about myself, and want to have more sex, maybe even with the lights ON!!! :wink_smile:

I pretty much told him that I was doing this, and I would love his support, but if he couldn't support me, I was still doing this anyway. It is for me and for how I want to live the rest of my life: long, healthy and happy! Just pray, ask God to open your husband's heart, and everything will turn out right!!!

[MimiMermaid 13]

umm... yeah, my husband wasnt supportive of me having this surgery for all of 15 minutes. He expressed his fears and why he didnt want me to do this and then I had to give him a wake up call and remind him that he married me and agreed to support and love me no matter what. If my husband told me that he wouldnt be there for me, I wouldnt want to be married to him. Excuse my language but F-that! That is soo not right. He is being selfish and thats not what marriage is about. After I told my husband how things were gonna be, he has been nothing but supportive and now that he see's how happy I am, he now says "I can't wait till you're SKIIIINNNNNAAAAYYY either!" and thats what being supportive is

[Jenny A. 1]

I'm really sorry to hear that about your husband. I feel like it's so hard for someone who has never experienced the pain of being overweight and trying time and time again to take it off with no success to understand our reasons for making this choice. It takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself that you need a little extra help if you want to take this weight off for good. Most of us on this site have additional, psychological issues with food, that make it impossible for us to simply lose weight through diet and exercise. I can't count the number of times I've seen the word "binge." The great thing about this surgery is that it finally allows us to beat the psychological factor due to physical limitations. Because with the surgery, you CANNOT binge (at least at first it seems). You are literally forced to limit the amount you eat or you get physically sick. For many people this might seem horrifying. But for me, the first thing I thought when I was researching this surgery and saw that information was "thank G-d!! Where do I sign up??" Most of us on here realize that this is not a quick or easy fix. But we are determined to take our lives back and become happy, healthy individuals. The sleeve is an extremely powerful tool in helping us accomplish that goal and change our lifestyles and eating habits permanently (just look at the "success stories" section!). I think your husband needs to realize that.

The other thing is, like someone else mentioned, when you got married your husband took a vow to stand by you in both good times and bad. We married our husbands (hopefully) because they are people we love, respect, and can count on in times of difficulty. If you have explained how important this surgery is to you, whether he agrees with it or not, he should stand by you and support you. My husband had misgivings at first, but when I explained how relatively low risk the procedure is, and how this would help me take off the weight, he totally agreed that it was worth a shot. As is gets closer to my surgery I think he's even more excited than I am!! (My husband is very physically active and he can't wait until we can play tennis together )

I truly hope that your husband comes around, but if he doesn't, just remember that you are doing this for YOU, not for him. And in the end, that's what matters most.

Good Luck!

[trizzy35 50]

"I'm really sorry to hear that about your husband. I feel like it's so hard for someone who has never experienced the pain of being overweight and trying time and time again to take it off with no success to understand our reasons for making this choice. It takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself that you need a little extra help if you want to take this weight off for good. Most of us on this site have additional, psychological issues with food, that make it impossible for us to simply lose weight through diet and exercise. I can't count the number of times I've seen the word "binge." The great thing about this surgery is that it finally allows us to beat the psychological factor due to physical limitations. Because with the surgery, you CANNOT binge (at least at first it seems). You are literally forced to limit the amount you eat or you get physically sick. For many people this might seem horrifying. But for me, the first thing I thought when I was researching this surgery and saw that information was "thank G-d!! Where do I sign up??" Most of us on here realize that this is not a quick or easy fix. But we are determined to take our lives back and become happy, healthy individuals. The sleeve is an extremely powerful tool in helping us accomplish that goal and change our lifestyles and eating habits permanently (just look at the "success stories" section!). I think your husband needs to realize that."

Thank you so much for this response..just told my skinny best friend about my decision to have this surgery and she suggested that I do a "team approach of calorie counting and exercise with her and my hubby" to try and lose the weight. We have been best friends for 35 years and I have always been the overweight-sidekick to her tall, thin self.....she was NOT supportive in the least, and thinks I am crazy for doing this! I think I am going to print your post and several others to prove to her that what I am saying is not out of the norm! Good luck to you in this journey!!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,280]

umm... yeah, my husband wasnt supportive of me having this surgery for all of 15 minutes. He expressed his fears and why he didnt want me to do this and then I had to give him a wake up call and remind him that he married me and agreed to support and love me no matter what. If my husband told me that he wouldnt be there for me, I wouldnt want to be married to him. Excuse my language but F-that! That is soo not right. He is being selfish and thats not what marriage is about. After I told my husband how things were gonna be, he has been nothing but supportive and now that he see's how happy I am, he now says "I can't wait till you're SKIIIINNNNNAAAAYYY either!" and thats what being supportive is

Well said.

[DisneyAddict 10]

First off, weather or not you have surgery. YOU ARE STILL LOSING WEIGHT ON YOUR OWN! It is a tool, how many times in his sports has he used aids that make his game better or a splint or brace?

That's a GREAT way to put it in a way he may understand. That's exactly true.

My husband didn't want me to have the surgery for a lot of the reasons people have mentioned. He was terrified of something happening to me because he lost his father in 98 in a hospital. Whatever his personal feelings though, he was supportive and I'm very fortunate he swallowed his feelings and kept them inside.

Now, he's thrilled I chose to have the surgery and will crow to people that it saved my life. I'm sure he's talking about in more ways than the mortality issue come to think of it.

This surgery is not an easy fix. It doesn't do the work for us and bugger on anyone who thinks that. There's a whole lot of rollercoaster riding that goes along with this just like the highs & lows of losing weight "the old fashioned way". This IS losing weight the old fashioned way but just with the assistance of something to help make it possible. In the beginning, many of us are terrified to do something wrong to hurt our new tummies and we're rewarded with serious weight loss. After that, the good habits are formed and we've seen the progress a lot of us needed to see to keep up with it. I have to admit, personally speaking, I feel like i've had an exorcism of the demon in my belly that used to override my brain & good sense when I was dieting before. The compulsion I guess you could say. My brain is in control now. If any one of us had the serious self control we required to do it "the old fashioned way" with a full capacity belly, i doubt many of us would've needed the surgery in the first place. That's the way I look at it for myself. I couldn't handle the "responsibility" of a full capacity tummy and ended up 314 pounds. I had to lose all my tummy privileges in order to get back on track with my weight & life.

Maybe your husband will come around after the fact and see how great you're doing and how much better your life together will be. Some spouses don't come around and that's very sad. I wish you all the luck and hope your husband does begin to see clearly that this isn't about him... it's about you.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,280]

That's so true Sen! OMG... think about it... how many people take pills or fluids or stuff themselves full of Water or whatever the case may be to feel fuller faster and stay satiated longer? Gimme a freakin break... that is ALL we are doing. Just a more permanent and proven solution to a problem that evolution bit us in the arse with.

Really.

[HappyFace 5]

I'm really sorry to hear that about your husband. I feel like it's so hard for someone who has never experienced the pain of being overweight and trying time and time again to take it off with no success to understand our reasons for making this choice. It takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself that you need a little extra help if you want to take this weight off for good. Most of us on this site have additional, psychological issues with food, that make it impossible for us to simply lose weight through diet and exercise. I can't count the number of times I've seen the word "binge." The great thing about this surgery is that it finally allows us to beat the psychological factor due to physical limitations. Because with the surgery, you CANNOT binge (at least at first it seems). You are literally forced to limit the amount you eat or you get physically sick. For many people this might seem horrifying. But for me, the first thing I thought when I was researching this surgery and saw that information was "thank G-d!! Where do I sign up??" Most of us on here realize that this is not a quick or easy fix. But we are determined to take our lives back and become happy, healthy individuals. The sleeve is an extremely powerful tool in helping us accomplish that goal and change our lifestyles and eating habits permanently (just look at the "success stories" section!). I think your husband needs to realize that.

The other thing is, like someone else mentioned, when you got married your husband took a vow to stand by you in both good times and bad. We married our husbands (hopefully) because they are people we love, respect, and can count on in times of difficulty. If you have explained how important this surgery is to you, whether he agrees with it or not, he should stand by you and support you. My husband had misgivings at first, but when I explained how relatively low risk the procedure is, and how this would help me take off the weight, he totally agreed that it was worth a shot. As is gets closer to my surgery I think he's even more excited than I am!! (My husband is very physically active and he can't wait until we can play tennis together )

I truly hope that your husband comes around, but if he doesn't, just remember that you are doing this for YOU, not for him. And in the end, that's what matters most.

Good Luck!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! This really put things into persepctive from me. I can't wait for the day that I can take him to the basketball court & give him a run for his money (even though I'm 5'6" & he's 6'5" )! My husband & I are very much in love & HE is very happy. My desire is to be happy as well, which will in turn help to sustain our happy marriage. Thanks & God bless!

[SouthernSleever 228]

Have hubs go with you on your appointments and tell him his support is vital to you even if he doesn't agree. Let him vent worries about you dying and talk about the reality of staying the weight you are. You will die from being very overweight, this is a chance for you to be healthy. I'd also explain to him how obese people have 4x the amount of the hunger horomone and you are basically white knuckling it without some sort of intervention. Furthermore less than 10% of ppl who lose weight keep it off after 5 years (by conventional means). Finally you have to do it for yourself. He is your partner but not you. You have to do it for you.