My wife seems jealous or upset

[Neoteric Verve 65]

She's a bit kidded. My surgeon said my surgery will most likely be the first or second week of Sept. Hers won't be until November. She told the doctor that I "only care about myself". But "she isn't worried" because "November is fine" with her. I think she was ok when we both had to do the six month program. So why did I get pushed up? Easy. I go to the PCP at least once a month. For the last several years. Since my gallbladder was removed last August I've been going twice a month. We discuss weight management and exercise options. She takes my vitals and orders labs every 6-8 weeks to make sure I'm ok. My wife felt going every month wasn't necessary. Granted, at the time we weren't big on WLS but I discussed it with both the PCP and the bariatric surgeon. So now that surgery is imminent, I benefited from continual medical conference. This is why I got moved. I have consistent documentation.

Is she upset, mad or what? I think she's somewhat upset. Am I wrong? I asked and she said she was fine.

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

She's a bit kidded. My surgeon said my surgery will most likely be the first or second week of Sept. Hers won't be until November. She told the doctor that I "only care about myself". But "she isn't worried" because "November is fine" with her. I think she was ok when we both had to do the six month program. So why did I get pushed up? Easy. I go to the PCP at least once a month. For the last several years. Since my gallbladder was removed last August I've been going twice a month. We discuss weight management and exercise options. She takes my vitals and orders labs every 6-8 weeks to make sure I'm ok. My wife felt going every month wasn't necessary. Granted, at the time we weren't big on WLS but I discussed it with both the PCP and the bariatric surgeon. So now that surgery is imminent, I benefited from continual medical conference. This is why I got moved. I have consistent documentation.

Is she upset, mad or what? I think she's somewhat upset. Am I wrong? I asked and she said she was fine.

I don't know her so I can't say for sure but I think she may feel a bit left out. I mean she was thinking you were both gonna do this huge, great thing together and now you will be all healed up by the time she goes in. She may also be afraid that seeing you go through it first may make her change her mind which she probably doesn't want to do. I would just point out the pluses. Yeah she will get to see you post op and that may scare her ( just don't accuse her of being scared unless you REALLY think its the problem... its like telling her she is jealous, thats like pulling the pin out of the Grenade to a woman lol) but she will get to see how great it is once you are all healed up and losing weight and feeling great and that will give her the courage to push through the pain when her time comes. As far as being left out you could tell her that this is even better. This way you will be well enough to take care of her when its her turn instead of both of you being tired, sore and struggling to get liquids down. Women like the idea of being pampered every so often (even those of us with a less then girlie personality) pointing that out may help.

All I know for sure is that by the way you said she reacted she is either hurt, scared or something because she is throwing up her defenses. Anger is always easier than pain or fear. Just try to take the time to understand WHY she is hurting or scared (but don't try to force it out of her unless you want MORE anger) . Communication is key, no matter what the situation

Jeeze, I just realized I sound like a shrink :rolleyes:

[Indymom 132]

Yep, I agree that having your surgeries staggered might be better for the two of you to take care of each other post-op. Good luck!

[AutumnLily 77]

You know it would be better to do it a couple of months apart. If you are both home and feeling yucky at the same time it will make things hard. There is nothing you can do unless she can put her name on a waitlist to get in earlier. All will be better when you are both sleeved and loosing together.

[wendy1974 3]

I think Kristi is 100% right about this... let your wife know that you'll take care of her and also, you'll have first hand knowledge of what she'll be going through and can offer better advice and assistance to her! I think she just might be a tad bit jealous because you'll be sleeved two months before her and she's prolly just a tad bit disappointed in herself because if she had been more diligent she'd be getting her sleeve a little bit earlier...

Good luck either way.. (I know we women can be weird! )

[mp8btpc 32]

She probably is a little bummed on having to wait longer I would probably be the same way cause I can be silly like that. But just assure her that you will give her the best after care EVER. Also keep in mind that you may not require as much care after surgery as she does or vice versa because everyones experience is different. So assure her that even if you require minimal post op help that whatever she needs you will be there to do it for her.

[Neoteric Verve 65]

Very sound advice. Thank you. I haven't said anything to her yet. After years of marriage, I know when to zip it! Certain things are catalysts for arguments. I thought she was possibly upset because she either wanted us to do this simultaneously or she wanted to go first. She has said that she'd feel bad if ever I weighed less than she did. Now if I get sleeved by mid Sept that gives me two months of losing before she is sleeved. Now I hope for good results but I don't plan on dropping 120lb in two months. Plus, her birthday is in late Sept. I don't think she wanted to be taking care of me during that time...

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

Very sound advice. Thank you. I haven't said anything to her yet. After years of marriage, I know when to zip it! Certain things are catalysts for arguments. I thought she was possibly upset because she either wanted us to do this simultaneously or she wanted to go first. She has said that she'd feel bad if ever I weighed less than she did. Now if I get sleeved by mid Sept that gives me two months of losing before she is sleeved. Now I hope for good results but I don't plan on dropping 120lb in two months. Plus, her birthday is in late Sept. I don't think she wanted to be taking care of me during that time...

I'm 5'5" and weigh 280+ pounds and DH is 6'3" and weighs somewhere between 220 and 250 (I am not sure). I do have to say that there IS confidence issues for me being average height and obese and standing next to a man who is tall and skinny. When we married I was still a good size girl but I was able to wear his pants at one point, so I didn't really feel like the odd duck. As I get bigger and he remained the same my self-confidence has taken a blow. Its kinda like men with $$, most (not all but most) would feel less masculine if their wives made more money because of the perception that the man is "supposed" to be the provider for his family. I think it will be similar for you wife. Even if she remains the same YOU will be losing. And even if you don't technically weigh less than her it will likely be a blow to her self-confidence for her to see everyone saying how good you look, and not saying the same to her. This is a temporary state and she will soon be hearing the same, but TBH I gotta say I see her side of things. A woman is "supposed" to be the "eye candy" and its much more socially accepted to be a big man than it is a big woman. Big men are called "teddy bears" and "muscular" (there are still some bad names used just getting a point across) and woman are "fat @$$es" and "Big Bertha" and a hundred other names. I have yet to hear one socially accepted name for a big woman (unless you count "fluffy"). Heck DH used to be a big guy and when looking at his pic HE is the only one who thinks he was fat. EVERYONE else, including me, says that he looked great as a big guy. Not saying that I disagree with doing the surgeries as planned, I do and I really think its the best way to do it. I am just giving you a little insight from the female mind I hope it made any sense at all lol. Its 4:30 am here and I need to get to bed 'cuz my brain just isn't working all that well Anyway, KUP on everything and know your wife will come around. Night!

[Neoteric Verve 65]

You're just the best!!! Thanks for giving valuable insight into her thought process. All have been a great help and I just don't wanna make her feel bad. Just because I get approved for Sept doesn't mean I have to do it in Sept, right? Maybe I can wait until she gets approved. We're both in need of this. Myself, I'm 6'3" and 400+lb. She is 5'4" and 310lb. Yes I'm called a cute, cuddly bear and people rarely guess my correct size. Most think I'm "only" 325lb or so. Big but athletic. But she looks hotter! We were both big at marriage. She's stacked too! So maybe I'm not seeing her the way she sees herself.

In any event I can't thank y'all enough for the advice and everything. It's very much appreciated.

[LadySyiadina 0]

I am pretty confident in saying that the way you see your wife and the way she sees herself is not the same. I agree with other posters though that say that staggering the surgeries might be for the best. I don't know everything about your situation, but having two people out of commission at the same time may not be the best for many reasons. In my situation we have three kids. I am 5'6'' and 270 and he is 6'2'' and around 430 and we are both just in the very initial stages. I haven't even met the doc yet.

Speaking of my husband, I just told him a little and his response was... "Because he sees his wife logically and she's psycho" I'm saying this not because he was calling YOUR wife a psycho but because of all of OUR conversations about how I see myself. I see Jabba the Hutt and he sees his hot wife and therefore I'm psycho. I honestly can't see his point of view many times even though I may be exaggerating a tiny bit in my view of myself.

[Wheetsin 714]

Not having your surgeries together will be the best thing from a practical standpoint. My parents, a few years after I had it, both decided to get the lap-band surgery. They ("they" meaning my mother) wanted to do their surgeries together, to the point of trying to get them scheduled on the same day. I talked them out of it. It worked out much better for one to be healed/fully mobile/etc. while the other was down. Especially since they have a jumpy dog that can be a little crazy, and have to walk up/down stairs no matter where they enter their house. My mom had a bit of a hard time after her surgery (she went first) and my dad would not have been able to take on the extra care of he was newly post-op too, because it involved more lifting and activity than he would have been allowed.

[Khy 16]

When a woman says "That's fine." You know it is about the most opposite it can get, then the icy chill atmosphere sets in. You might think of delaying yours to be just a little closer to hers. It is really refreshing that you are sensitive to her feelings and it is obvious that you still love her. My husband is all for this surgery because I look like a fat pig to him. Granted I am about 110lbs over what he married and he liked what he married. I am grateful for his support for this surgery but I know I am doing it for me. Because of my weight and other things, marriage has been a bit rough at times.

Khy

[Neoteric Verve 65]

Uncanny how we mirror each other. I am 6'3" 430lb. My wife is 5'4" and 310lb. We however, don't have children. Unless a pretentious Shih Tzu counts. I don't know what to say and saying nothing can be just as bad.

I am pretty confident in saying that the way you see your wife and the way she sees herself is not the same. I agree with other posters though that say that staggering the surgeries might be for the best. I don't know everything about your situation, but having two people out of commission at the same time may not be the best for many reasons. In my situation we have three kids. I am 5'6'' and 270 and he is 6'2'' and around 430 and we are both just in the very initial stages. I haven't even met the doc yet.

Speaking of my husband, I just told him a little and his response was... "Because he sees his wife logically and she's psycho" I'm saying this not because he was calling YOUR wife a psycho but because of all of OUR conversations about how I see myself. I see Jabba the Hutt and he sees his hot wife and therefore I'm psycho. I honestly can't see his point of view many times even though I may be exaggerating a tiny bit in my view of myself.

[LadySyiadina 0]

I noticed how similar our stats were to yours too

I know that sometimes when I'm excited about something and have it all planned in my mind and then find out that it won't work out the way I want it takes my awhile to get over the disappointment, even if the new way may have advantages. Lay out some of the advantages that others have talked about to her and then give her some time. It may help.

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

I am pretty confident in saying that the way you see your wife and the way she sees herself is not the same. I agree with other posters though that say that staggering the surgeries might be for the best. I don't know everything about your situation, but having two people out of commission at the same time may not be the best for many reasons. In my situation we have three kids. I am 5'6'' and 270 and he is 6'2'' and around 430 and we are both just in the very initial stages. I haven't even met the doc yet.

Speaking of my husband, I just told him a little and his response was... "Because he sees his wife logically and she's psycho" I'm saying this not because he was calling YOUR wife a psycho but because of all of OUR conversations about how I see myself. I see Jabba the Hutt and he sees his hot wife and therefore I'm psycho. I honestly can't see his point of view many times even though I may be exaggerating a tiny bit in my view of myself.

Exactly, DH says he sees this sexy woman when he looks at me and that he loves everything about me just the way I am. However, when I see myself I see a fat @$$, goodyear blimp. My perception of myself changed dramatically after my first was born and I was left with a saggy,droopy tummy and 60 pounds heavier, but DH's perception of me stayed the same. Its the way that women perceive themselves. We always view ourselves critically, sometimes more critically than anyone else does. DH is always telling me I'm crazy for thinking that. As I type this DH is right here and shook his head when I typed how I see myself. He just doesn't see it. Love makes you see your partner with rose colored glasses, which is a good thing but it makes it hard for spouses to understand why their counterpart may feel bad about the way they look.