Having a hard time fitting my brain in my new body

[Shanny 70]

15 years ago, I was thin. 15 years ago, I was going through a lot of crap. 15 years ago, my son's donor thought I was was his personal punching bag. 15 years ago, I was strangled, hit, beaten into a stupor, held out a window, raped, terrorized, stalked...you name it; he did it. 15 years ago, I played the role of a victim that had been a reoccuring theme in my life since I was 5 years old and that first predator found me on a baseball team. When I was 18, in college, I guess I had hidden the victim in me, until predator #2 found me, through a mutal friend, and one hellatious night in Philly made me leave college - it took me almost 16 years to finally get my degree after that night. I think all of these things were just shaping me up to be the type of victim that the donor was looking for. Ripe for the picking, so to speak, because in no time flat he was charming me, wooing me, and terrorizing the hell out me. The only good thing that came out of that relationship is my fantastic son!

13 years ago, I decided to gain a bunch of weight. Not only would it make me unattractive, but it would keep me safe. No one would hurt me, if I had this protective suit on. food, I learned, became my friend, my comfort, and it didn't hurt. It didnt' make me sad, but it didn't make happy. It just filled this hole I had. The problem was it was only temporary. So, 125 pounds later, and years of therapy, I started to hate that person that I saw in the mirror. The one that wanted to hide from everything. I thought how weak is this woman that needs to hide behind this suit. I'm not her. I entered into a wonderful relationship with an amazing woman, that treats me like a princess (did I mention that I lied to myself and everyone around me for YEARS about my sexuality? Maybe if I hadn't I wouldn't have gone through all the crap I did).

1 month agao, enter the sleeve. I'm now 49 pounds lighter. Everyday, it's coming off. My clothes are fitting differently and my body is changing. Now, I'm having the hardest time adjusting to my new body. I'm so excited about being able to lose weight. Before it never worked so I expected to fail when I tried. But this works, and I don't know what to do. I went shopping and I'm still trying on clothes in a 22/24, when I'm now a 16/18. Today, I have size 20 pants and 2x shirt. I was all excited because I got my pants at the Goodwill for $2.95 and one my friends said, you could have gotten then in a smaller size. I realized, I'm too self concious to buy clothes that fit. I'm excited as all hell about losing weight but I can't see it or embrace it. Does that make sense?

When does the fat girl, hiding myself, baggy jeans and t-shirt, mentality go away? Why can't embrace this change? This is what I wanted. I have no reason to look back anymore. I'm all about looking forward. I talk to my therapist about this every week, and yes, she's helping me cope with my feeling about my past that I never dealt with, but I wonder how many of you go through this, or is it just me. How do I cope the changes that are happening everyday at record speed?

Do you fit in your new body?

[chilo1 62]

A very moving story and I'm glad you managed to make desicions in life, about your sexuality and now about your weight.

I can see where you're coming from. I've been overweight since I was 10 on and off. At my 41 years I decided to have surgery and it was the best desicion ever. I'm still scared though. I haven't reached target yet but I feel very well phsically and I think I look "normal" weightwise. Some times I still can't believe its me when I look in the mirror or when I see my reflection. I'm', a size 12 UK now, I used to be a 20. I still tend to buy baggy tops, becuase I have a sagggy tummy. Sometimes I think that I'm still fat and then look at myself and remeber I'm not. Even at 7 1/2 months out I feel funny. I do hope I get used to it soon because I don't ever want to be fat again!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,280]

Hi Shanny,

Wow what a very touching story. I'm so glad you were able to overcome your abusive past and are now working on improving the effects of it. That is really great.

For me, yes I do have a *very* hard time coming to terms with the new me. When buying clothes I can't get over the fact that they are so small in comparison to where I started. I automatically don't believe it will fit, and when it does I almost feel a sense of shock. Looking in the mirror now is looking at someone else's reflection. Even looking at my pictures I can hardly imagine that is me in them.

I guess it's going to take a lot of time to get used to the new us. I still have about 45 Lbs left to lose even so it's going to continue for a while more.

Hugs lady!!! We are all in this together.

[Eloray 3]

Maybe if you took time to analyze your body in the mirror. Not in a vain way but in a understanding way. Too practice wearing clothes you wouldnt normally wear out in public around the house. Anaylze this in the mirror throughout the day see your attributes in the outfit and most important give yourself positive self talk. Work yourself small grouping of encouraging people and accept their compliments with a big smile and a thank you. This will help you not feel so awkward when you do wear them out. Maybe even take pictures make a scrapbook. Pictures give us a different perspective. Remember to reinenforce postive talk. Like everything else in life practice makes perfect.