Being fat and dating

[Roudoudou 4]

Hi, everyone. Lately I've been feeling kind of down about the whole dating thing. The thing is, I'm 33 and have never had a boyfriend! Not one. It's actually very embarrassing to share, but I thought that some people here might understand.

The thing is, I'm not horrible looking. At least I don't think I am. Yes, I'm very overweight but I make an effort with my appearance (most days!) am very friendly, approachable and social. I just never get any positive attention from guys. It has really started to get me down as I don't know what it is about me that is so unattractive and while I think my weight is a lot of it, I don't know if it's all of it. And it just really hurts feeling that no one is ever going to be interested in me; I worry that I'll always be alone.

I would really appreciate hearing any thoughts from anyone who's experienced something similar and if you have advice on how to cope, that would be great. Guys, too! I know girls aren't the only ones who feel this way. Thank you for reading; I just am feeling so down and had to get it out.

[treequeen 13]

Be proud of yourself that you are ok being alone and don't Need a man. I have been single for the last 10 yrs and I understand how it gets lonely sometimes. And it really sucks when the only ppl who hit on you would never in a million years trip your trigger.

My feelings are, that you have to be ok with yourself first or you could end up with someone who is below your standards. (trust me.. that is what happened to me when I married a loser 12 yrs ago). I won't let it happen again, so I'd rather be alone; and if it takes losing weight to attract my kind of guy.. so be it. (Losing weight will help me be the person I want to be.. hence help me attract the kind of ppl I want to be around).

So much luck to you..good things come to those who wait afterall.

[snowfie9 6]

I can remember being younger and thinking I would never find a man who'd be interested in me. And then I met my husband and he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world (at 250lbs).

There are men who like larger women. There are men who don't mind larger women. I don't want to even slightly imply there's something wrong with you but maybe you are not as approchable as you think?

Granted my husband is the only one who's ever flirted with me. I never got unsolicitated "come ons" even before we were married but I'm also pretty sure I give of a vibe that I don't want "that" kind of attention.

[DougNichols 124]

You in Dallas? I love bigger girls.

[Douceur72 3]

My two pieces of advice are 1) be yourself and 2) don’t settle. I’m curious, where have you been looking?

Don’t get down about it! You sound really sweet and I’m willing to bet the right guy is waiting out there for you. True some people have stupid hang-ups and discriminate against those of us who are heavier, but there are plenty of really nice guys who don’t! My boyfriend is a total hottie 10 years my junior, and he’s crazy about me inside and out J

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

Don't worry! I was also getting to the point where I started to wonder whether I'd ever be in a serious relationship. I always dated a lot, and while I dated less when I was around 216 than when I was 163, it was never a problem to find someone who'd be interested in me physically. But I dated for 9 years straight and never dated anyone longer than a month or two! I was more worried about my personality, I've never been very feminine in any way outside of dressing, and even back in my teenage years, my mother would always nag me to be "more smiley" and criticize my sarcastic/dirty sense of humor as "unfeminine." I received all kinds of unwelcome advice about how to "fix" my apparently male-repellent personality.

Lo and behold, I met my boyfriend at 175 lbs, and he found me very attractive - he continued to think so til I got to my surgery weight of 208, and I honestly think he'd be perfectly ok with me being 300 as far as appearance is concerned. He did repeatedly tell me he liked me just the way I was before I went ahead with my VSG. AND he adores my man-repellent personality! We crack jokes about farts, I totally dominate him at the gym, tell him what to do all the time, and behave in all kinds of "non-feminine" ways, but it works for both of us. His friends probably think I'm a nagging controlling bitch - but my boyfriend thinks their girlfriends are all bland, boring, and lack ambition. So there, so much for being "so fat no guy will ever fall in love with you" (as my stepfather once said) and "acting too manly to attract a guy" like my mother always said. You'll find someone who likes you the way you are, you just gotta put yourself out there in order to improve your odds - I met my boyfriend online.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

You'll date when you lose weight. Believe me, I wasn't fat until after I had kids. After that, it was like I was invisible.

After I lost the weight, guys started opening doors for me, started making small talk in the grocery line, etc.

I wish I had done this years ago. It's hard to learn to date at this age, but I am having a blast!

[Rootman 1,101]

Well I'm in the senior years, been married almost 30 years and am fat - getting thin with the sleeve.

I would like to stress that you CANNOT blame being fat for your being single. There are PLENTY of fat people dating and happily married. You just haven't met the right person yet. Now WHY you haven't is a question you have to answer for yourself. Maybe you're just shy, maybe you're just not socially in the right circles, whatever the reason it's NOT because you're fat.

I wanted to stress this because I've seen a few people who were fat get thin and then are STILL alone because the real reason they are single has NOT been changed, just their outward appearance. I've seen this for many other reasons too - e.g.: "maybe if I get sober" - they get there and still act like an a$$hole (because they ARE one) - that isn't gonna get the girls / guys.

Physical appearance is only PART of the answer.

[Butrcupz622 1]

Please don't blame your weight for being alone. I agree with what Rootman has written. Maybe it is that you're just a little too shy or perhaps not in the right circle. I'm a shy big girl myself. My boyfriend had to actually keep talking to me to get me to open up. And we've been together now for 2 1/2 years. Have you ever tried going to a big girl club? In my dancing days, I used to go there a a lot! Look for one in your area, grab your friends and just go. You'll have a blast.

[Roudoudou 4]

Thanks so much for the replies! Yes, I have often thought that there are plenty of fat people who date and that is why I am starting to think it might be something to do with me! I probably do sometimes give a "back off" signal as I'm pretty sensitive and have just dealt with a lot of rejection so kind of put up a wall, especially around people I'm attracted to. But generally, I really am pretty friendly and at least seem confident.

I've tried eHarmony and match.com, both with no success! Seriously, I write to just about every match I get and no one writes back. I promise, my profile isn't sketchy or anything and I do have pretty good pictures up there. It's just hard not to take it personally as I know there are plenty of big women who meet great guys; I guess I really do blame it on my weight and just think no one will find me attractive. But I'm still trying to be hopeful.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

Thanks so much for the replies! Yes, I have often thought that there are plenty of fat people who date and that is why I am starting to think it might be something to do with me! I probably do sometimes give a "back off" signal as I'm pretty sensitive and have just dealt with a lot of rejection so kind of put up a wall, especially around people I'm attracted to. But generally, I really am pretty friendly and at least seem confident.

I've tried eHarmony and match.com, both with no success! Seriously, I write to just about every match I get and no one writes back. I promise, my profile isn't sketchy or anything and I do have pretty good pictures up there. It's just hard not to take it personally as I know there are plenty of big women who meet great guys; I guess I really do blame it on my weight and just think no one will find me attractive. But I'm still trying to be hopeful.

I met my boyfriend on PlentyofFish.com. It's a free site, so there's a lot more people, and if you don't have to pay to reply to someone, you are probably more likely to take a chance. I was on the fence about responding to my boyfriend's first message, but I'm glad I did!

[Rootman 1,101]

I probably do sometimes give a "back off" signal as I'm pretty sensitive and have just dealt with a lot of rejection so kind of put up a wall, especially around people I'm attracted to. But generally, I really am pretty friendly and at least seem confident.

Don't forget, a LARGE part of the MALE population goes through the SAME feelings as YOU do. They are scared too and don't want to extend their feelings let they get rejected. If I hadn't bypassed my (now) wife's "back off" signal both of us would probably still be single today as we were both pretty fed up with the dating scene.

Keep at it, there IS someone out there for you.

[myrori 55]

You in Dallas? I love bigger girls.

Doug, you are something! Makes me wish I was 20 years younger:)

[tpasun 55]

I'm in exactly the same spot, 30, and never been with anyone seriously for more than a month or so. I totally feel like there HAS to be something wrong with me, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm fat. I get told I'm pretty and beautiful by friends, I'm very outgoing and fun, and easily make friends, but nothing more. It's depressing and I'm pretty sure I'll be alone for life. Good to hear that I'm not alone feeling like this.

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The walls we put up not only keep people out, they stop people from coming in....

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