Where did I go? Who am I now?

[j.s. 0]

Photonut- GREAT Thread!!

This is a topic that interests me greatly. I can relate to so much that so many of you have stated (its freaky really).

Alexandra- you could have written that post from my book, almost exactly but exchange Optifast for medifast. Same- same. And in the end.... here I am.

TommyO- that is a great idea and I think I may have to give that a try, I feel there may be something to what you said.... maybe its the ritual that I need.

Dianechef- I also can relate to your post. When I did lose the weight on the medifast, I also had a hard time dealing with the way people treated me differently even though I did not feel different. I couldnt understand why people would act like they did, when I was still the same person inside. It was hurtful and it made me very angry and it confused me as well. So I took care of that and got back to a comfortable size really quickly. Only then was I able to discuss what I felt with the people that I needed to discuss this with.

When I had to see the psych doc for banding I told her about this time in my life and how I had felt and the fact that I gained the weight back so quickly. She told me in true psych doc fashion, when you are ready and you feel those feelings coming back.... "come see me, we can fix that". It was not so suprising to her at all and she said it was actually quite common. I dont know about that, but I do know that I will take her up on that offer. I must stop now before this is a book. I could add so much more.....

[jojo41 0]

Unbelievable!!!!

I am amazed that so many people feel the same as me.

I know I'm 125kg (275lbs) but it's just a number to me. I don't feel HUGE.

BUT I know I am.

I know I'm often the largest person in the room, I know I weigh about 75lbs more than my 6ft husband, I know that I wear a size 20-22, I know I find some seats a "tight fit", I know I avoid looking at my whole body in the mirror, I know that I have gained over 100lbs in the last 6-7yrs and I know I need to lose alot of weight but when I look down at my body all I see is a terrific cleavage and great boobs!!!!

Talk about being in TOTAL denial !

[warmmorningsun 1]

You know, my whole life I've avoided looking in the mirror below my neck. I've been pretty much a head only :tired . If I didn't look down, I didn't have to come face to face with my weight. I've always felt okay about myself until something would happen and I'd have to face my weight...

Another knee operation to remove meniscus that is so damaged my weight has smashed it to a flat piece of material that no longer functions...

No longer having room to grow at Lane Bryant (yep those 26/28's are getting a bit fitted)

Receiving a ring in a size 10 (and not being able to wear any of my older rings because they're a size 8)

Needing a size 11 shoe because my feet are expanding due to the weight

"Hello, stewardess, can you bring me a belt extender?"

"Mommy, I love you, you're so BOUNCY, like a TRAMPOLINE" (Okay, that last one is kind of cute, she IS 4 years old)....

Sorry I didn't mean to digress...I wonder if I will start to settle in with who I am when I begin looking at myself not just from the neck up?

I am terrified of my failing after having this surgery and having to spend the rest of my life ignoring the other 80% of my body.

[jojo41 0]

Don't worry Aimee you're not alone.

I've been a "head" for the last 7 years, I honestly don't know what my body looks like anymore!

[IsabelSofia 0]

I think a lot of my denial is in always having to put on my "fat-girl-game-face" everywhere I went. I had to pretend that I fit it and that the snickering I heard was not about me, when it obviously was! I had to act as if everything was normal and the bigger I get the harder it is to pretend so I usually just stay home. I too was someone who "saw" myself at the weight I was 7 years ago before my kids--oh yeah, big, but everything was in the right place. I have now gotten to the point where I just cannot tolerate it and I can see myself now and it has sent me spiralling into depression. There's a lot to this denial thing--it keeps some of us on the level that we can function from day to day without a mental breakdown. I have my consult on June 15 and I am not the least bit nervous. I can't wait to be banded. I hope no matter how much I lose that I will always keep my fat-girl heart when dealing with the world.

[bermy 0]

Youre gonna be just fine Warmmoring sun. And youre going to embark on a journey of a lifetime, better than any vacation...with every pound you loose you will feel beter and beter. You wont fail after surgery. I wondered about that too. I remember thinking "supose I'm one of those who dosent loose" but you will. Good luck to you !

[RavensRiches 0]

My story is that I was always a toned, fit person. I worked out and lifted weights as well as ran. I was in the military and met my husband in the military so we are/were pretty used to it. Then I got out, we moved (away from my social scene and all my friends), I became depressed and started drowning myself in alcohol and party drugs. I rapidly packed on the pounds and wallowed in self-pity. I then started working on my 'shit'----seeing a counselor---changing social groups to avoid the nightlife and all it's vices---doing some SERIOUS soul searching---and taking appropriate pharmaceuticals for my depression. My life changed. It got better. I got better. But, I was still overweight-----the fat resisted change. Over the next 8 years I became pregnant 6 times giving birth to 4 live (wonderful and beautiful, I must say) babies. Each pregnancy left me with at least an extra 10 -15 pounds. I didn't let the weight "get me down" so to say, because I knew it was for a good cause and my prizes were so rewarding. I respected and loved my body---still do----but knew my vehicle needed a good overhaul---a lift in front, a lift in back, and a new paint job. I have a totally different relationship with my body now than I did when I was younger and skinnier. I like myself better now than I did then. I like my life better now than I did then. I am so much healthier NOW than I was THEN.

All that said, I knew I wanted my outside to reflect how I now feel on the inside. I researched the lap-band (and the balloon, and other options) and decided that this one was for me. I was low on the BMI scale and was under the impression that no doctor here in the USA would work on me (I've since become educated by fellow lap-bander's here on this site that there are MD's stateside that work on lower BMI folks) so I went to Mexico. I don't regret my decision one bit! My weight loss has been painfully slow but it is coming off. My group of friends are so complimentary and supportive and I LOVE getting back into my favorite styles. My husband jokes and says that I am now a 'reformed' Rock Star! I adore leather pants, boots, tight tops----everything flashy and funky! The other night I went out to see one of my favorite local bands (talk about a diva rock star----Pinky and the Snakeshakers) and wore tight jeans, a bra cami, and one of my delicious Japanese kimonos---oh yeah, and lime green Fluevog sandals. I felt great! I like my outside reflecting whats on the inside. Granted, I'm not finished yet (don't know if I ever will be).

[michele6789 0]

I'm also waiting to be banded. I really can't believe that I have gotten this big. My weight gain, especially in the last 1 1/2, has been emotional eating at it's worst:cry . I have been fat most of my life but it has been the last five years or so that I've really been defeated by my weight. I too thought that I was one of the few that thought about not wanting to take pictures and be around people. I don't shop at peak hours because I don't want some kid to comment on my weight. I don't like to go out and participate in outdoor activities. That's why I'm so happy that I finally was ready to be banded. I want to take pictures with my family, I want to go swimming. As a matter of a fact next year I turn 40. I'm having family pictures taken with my daughters to Celebrate the success that I will

have achieved by next year. :clap2:

The level of hopelessness that I have felt because of the weight has been overwhelming but now I have hope. Now I know that I will succeed like so many of you. Thanks for the words of encouragement !!!

Michele/soon to be banded

[juliegeraci 7]

Its strange really. I feel fat only when I look in the mirror. I definitely have a strange way of trying to get around the issue. When I was thin all I did was bitch about how my thighs were big. Then years later I sit back and think about how lucky I was at that time. I am getting banded next Tuesday, June 6th. You are all an inspiration to me.

[Morsaille 4]

My mirror is a liar too! And the camera is a cruel nasty thing! Love you all for this thread, for your vulnerability, and for your striking similarities to my life.

The last time I lost 100 pounds I was ready for the change. I felt that I had trapped myself in a box, a dark, tight, fat-suit shaped box. As I lost weight my personality was able to slip out and reach out to those around me. I learned to like strangers and to not fear eye contact.

I regained all of it.

There is safety in persecution I suppose.

Being invisible was the unwritten contract I had with the world.

Just reminded of another thread where one of us was Mooed at. Read it? I think the reason why this kind of attention is so hurtful is because it is 'Breach of Contract'. I didn't sign up to be a clown... I am invisible, remember? The asexual person who ignores everyone else, please, just ignore me too.

I am so ready to get on with this. I am finally losing and can't wait until this time next year, or even next month. Next month, if I keep losing, I will be at, or below my pre-pregnancy weight! Woo Hoo!

[PhotoNut 7]

*sigh*

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night. You know, the mom that always told you how pretty you are but if you'd just lose 10 pounds... 20 pounds... wear some lipstick... dye your hair blonde... *rolls eyes*

Anyway, she's coming to see me in two weeks. She hasn't seen me in about 2 months. When I told her that I'm wearing a size 16 pants now, she was thrilled. Which was good. But then she got kind of quiet and said in a sad voice, "Aww.. what if I don't know my little girl?" Meaning what if I've changed so much, I'm not "me" anymore.

I think I see where I've gotten these fears. I'm afraid to be thin because.. what if that's STILL not good enough? What if I go through all of this and I'm STILL not... <insert your choice of options here>.

Then there's me. The last time I was 150 pounds I started getting far too much attention from men and I freaked out. As a child I suffered a lot of sexual abuse from various adult men that were either relatives or friends of the family. Now I feel like I have this neon sign on my forehead that lights up when I lose weight that somehow advertises the child that doesn't know how to defend herself against predators. My husband assures me that I now have a 6'4 angry looking Englishman at my side who will see to it that I'm never approached. But... the fear from many years ago still lingers.

Maybe I need therapy. Ya think? *chuckles*

[IsabelSofia 0]

There is safety in persecution I suppose.

Being invisible was the unwritten contract I had with the world.

Just reminded of another thread where one of us was Mooed at. Read it? I think the reason why this kind of attention is so hurtful is because it is 'Breach of Contract'. I didn't sign up to be a clown... I am invisible, remember? The asexual person who ignores everyone else, please, just ignore me too.

I have never been able to put this into words before--I feel this EVERYDAY! If I wasn't sitting at work right now I would be bawling my eyes out. You know, I really didn't think anyone else could understand how I felt so I never bothered putting it into words for anyone else. Thanks for putting those words out there--it really hit home for me!

[bermy 0]

Well therapy or no, I'm not carrying this weight another year. I would have never imagined that I would have done this well in a year. Hey guys , just one more year and Im there for sure. If after that I still need a shrink then hell I'll find one !

just cause Im sad for the old Bermy ( Ive known her so long, kept her secrets, and kept her company), dosent mean Im not happy to meet the new one . I want to go shopping with her and I even want to get over the excitment and become so accustomed to the slim one that I dont think about weight any more! Ahhhhh now thats a thought !

[truckinmama 0]

Wow. You are all so inspirational. I wish I could figure out just why I chose to be so fat. After all, it is a choice we make right? Even though we don't like to admit it. I feel like if I could figure out why I needed this wall around me, it would make to trip to thinsville so much easier.

[bermy 0]

Well some of it was physiological and some of the reasons were psychological.

I changed jobs 12 years ago and just stopped moving. I went from the computer to my easle, and from my easle to my bed. Even though I wasn't moving much at all I was still getting hungry and still eating what I loved at age 16, junk food. So I got fat, then fat became all I could remember being. I dont think its so deep or profound really. We all like the known and man dont we know fat !? So soon soon soon we shall know thin! Amen, let the church say Amen !