Met DH birth mom this week

shanna · April 2, 2006

DH was adopted at birth. His parents have been wonderful! His dad passed away 6 years ago but his mom is doing well. He has always been told he was adopted so it's always been part of his life but he's had no information about them or pictures or medical history. He has had the medical records that record her name and her father's name so he was able to track down her father (years ago but never did anything with it).

Well, a couple of weeks ago he finally got up the courage to call his birth mother (he's 36 years old). They spoke on the phone (she lives in Idaho)- it went well. He also was able to get the name of his birth father. He and Anne (birth mom) began sending emails with pictures and information.

DH was not ready yet to call his birth father - all of this seemed so surreal and he wasn't sure what to expect so he's put it off for later, but out of the blue last week got a call from Allen (birth father). They talked for 2 hours. He's really been holding a lot of guilt this whole time.

We went to dinner with Anne on Wednesday - then had a BBQ at her son's house yesterday with the whole family. She's got 2 other sons and they have 5 kids between them. It's really wierd. My son after we got back in the car said, "that was fun, it was kind of like a family reunion but with people you don't know". I guess it's a little confusing for all of us at this point.

Allen will be coming out in a couple weeks to see DH (he lives in Minnesota-we're in California).

Where do we go from here? I don't know - none of us do. We'll just have to see. But it has been a relief to let them know that they did the best for him - he had excellent parents and a wonderful life and as a mother myself it was important to me that they know that.

Sorry such a long post...

paula · April 2, 2006

Shanna,

I love stories like this one.

Its another chapter in your husbands life book. And I totally commend your husband for being SO open to all of this happening (seemingly at once). Im sure its just as exciting for you as well. Looking for certain features or resemblances of a blood relative is always interesting and often rewarding!

How's his adoptive mom dealing with all of this?

Here's a blessing of peacefulness during this new adventure for your entire family!

HarleyNana · April 2, 2006

Awww how special. What a wonderful story, my advice....take it a day at a time, don't become overwhelmed. I hope all is as expected.

Tricia K. · April 2, 2006

That's a great story. I'm so happy for you and your family. I bet it was great meeting all of those new people.

My DH is also adopted and has known about it from a very early age. At the moment, he doesn't have the desire to meet his birth mother or father but I hope that some day he will.

Best of luck to ALL of you!!

burnsun · April 3, 2006

I have three adopted children, one semi open, one closed and one completely open. We love and respect all of our children's birth families- I could not ever nor have I ever said a negative word to my children about them. They are part of our children.

I am so happy it went well for you and your husband. It is very difficult after such a long time to develop a relationship- but it is done all the time.

Someone I care deeply for placed a child almost 20 years ago this past month, and I know she would love to hear from her. To date this is still her only child, and I remeber the agonizing and pain this decision caused her, but she did it for her daughter. She sill wait till time and fate play out and maybe they will meet.

I hope you all find something you are looking for and wonderful new friendships

j.s. · April 3, 2006

What a wonderful story. I am so happy for him. I understand firsthand from the stepmom point of view. My husband is 17 yrs older than me. He had a child when he was 18. He went into the service and when he come home from boot camp his girlfriend told him she was getting married. He then shipped out to viet nam. Well here we are 35 yrs later and his son found him this last summer. I have always known about his son and wondered when this day would come. We have had a great time with him, his wife and family. It is different for sure because we are getting all feelings all straightened out. We both offer them friendship and if more develops that is just gravy to us. We have spent many weekends together and as a matter of fact they came with us on vacation in February for 4 days to just spend time with us. We had the very best Christmas this year that I have ever had. Now a little bit on me. Since my husband had a child who he did not know, he never wanted to have another child. So we dont have kids, although I have always wanted one (or 3). I have accepted this not without a million conversations and just as many tears in the end. I am so very happy to have a family that I can call my own, makes me well up just thinking about it. I am so grateful that they have accepted me into their lives and have allowed me to share all this with them. I always thought I would be alone and now I have a family. Words cannot express how that makes me feel inside. I wish you all the best and hope it turns out however your husband wants it to. You can never have enough people to love you. I am happy for you all, as this affects everybody.

shanna · April 5, 2006

Paula - DH looks so much like his birthmom and 1 of his 1/2 brothers. It was amazing to see them together. Also, my daughter looks so much like her new cousin who is only 5 months older than her. It was funny after our BBQ on Wednesday with the whole family my daughter said it was weird looking at Stephanie because she looked like her and my son said "wow, that was fun. It was kind of like a big family reunion; but with people you don't know"

As far as MIL - my husband has decided not to tell her (at least not yet) She's 74 years old and my husband thinks she would be crushed. She's always been VERY proud of the fact that she knows nothing about the birth parents and he is THEIR child. He doesn't think she would handle it well physically. Maybe later...I hope so.

HarleyNana - That's exactly what we're doing - 1 day at a time. It can be a bit overwhelming when you start to think, "Oh, what about birthdays? Christmas? etc." so we decided to not worry about any of that - we'll see how it goes.

Tricia - It was out of the blue that my husband called her. He had had the # for years and then all of a sudden one day at work he called me and said "Guess what I just did..." Your husband will be ready in his own time.

Burnsun - ya, it was a bit strange at first sitting with them, but conversation started and we're gonna take baby steps. I hope your friend's child contacts her someday. That's what we wanted for my husband's birth mother-to tell her that all was good and she made the best choice for him. Thanks!

J.S. What a great story. I'm so happy for your family and that you're having such a good time with them. Family is so important and it looks like you've got it made...

Thanks everyone! Have an awesome day!

shanna · April 5, 2006

Here is a picture of my DH (Ken) and his 2 1/2 brothers and birth mom. They look a lot a like. Especially Ken and Steve. Very weird!

mrycrltn · April 5, 2006

Great thread Shanna. I am happy for your husband, it is neat. I am also adopted. I have known my whole life. It really didn't make a difference till I got pregant with my first son. Then all these feeling just came rushing through my head like how can you just give away your baby. Well, I got curious and went searching. I found my birth mother first, which worked out great because she was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She did remember me, and told me the whole story. I was so excited to have met her. She died a few years after that meeting. Then I met my birth father and I didn't like him. Everything she said about him was so true. I am blessed to be adopted. I have a wonderful mother and father. And you just couldn't ask for a better set of parents. They have always been open with me and supportive of anything I wanted to do in looking for my birth parents. My older brother is adopted and never wants to search for his side of the family. Which is fine. He is happy also with his life. When I met my birth mother and her husband it was awesome to find out she had four more boys, and no girls. So she was excited about me. I met her whole family, and loved them. When she passed away, I kept in contact with her husband, but after last year with the hurricane in Louisanna, I have lost that contact. I guess they have moved on. But, to make a long story short, it has all been worth it. So good luck to the both of you. It will all be worth it to the both of you also. Let us know how it continues to work out.

shanna · April 5, 2006

Thanks, Mary. DH's contact with his birthfather has been a little weird. He likes to talk about himself a LOT. Maybe it's just nerves. He's coming to San Diego for a visit the week after Easter so we'll see. I'm definitely more nervous about meeting him. We'll see.

I'll let ya know how it goes,

paula · April 5, 2006

She's 74 years old and my husband thinks she would be crushed. She's always been VERY proud of the fact that she knows nothing about the birth parents and he is THEIR child. He doesn't think she would handle it well physically

Thats a wise decision. Makes me think of the ole saying, "What you dont know, doesnt hurt!"

AMAZING! Ken and Eric look so much alike. I bet your hubby has a sense of peace in knowing he has SEEN these relatives.

Great story!