Unsupportive family members!!

[Dianechef 3]

I have about had it with my in-laws. I am so unsure of what to do with them right now. I am hoping someone here can help me put this all together & figure out where I should go from here.

Here's the short version of the story:

I had my surgery in Mexico. I chose to tell everyone about getting Lapband surgery upfront, but my husband & I decided not to tell everyone about Mexico until AFTER the surgery. We told everyone that we were traveling to San Diego for the surgery. (Which really is the truth, we just crossed the border!!) 6-weeks AFTER the surgery, we felt it was time to tell everyone about Mexico. (I just believe in being honest & didn't want any secrets!) My family & friends had no problems! My in-laws flipped out!! They told us they were coming over for a meeting & then for 2 hrs. went on & on about my deceitfulness & how my bad example was rubbing off on my kids. (Please note that at NO TIME have I ever in the past or present lied to my in-laws. This one incident is what the only basis of their judgment.)

I was very hurt by this & could not sleep that night. Since I couldn't sleep, I got up & wrote them a letter through e-mail & sent it. I simply shared my feelings. My in-laws did not speak to me for 6-months over this letter!!

Last week they called my husband & said they wanted to meet. So, we hooked up at a restaurant & were there for 3 hrs. while they finished off what they started 6 months ago. I thought they were wanting to meet to apologize to me. :straight I left feeling worse!!! They feel that I LIED to them & led them to believe something that wasn't the truth. They felt that I didn't trust them by telling them up front. They said they were very concerned for my safety & the safety of my children - that I was thoughtless & selfish to do something like this.

My husband really layed in on them that night!! He did most of the talking & I was proud of him. I've never seen him so rude to his parents before!!!!!! He's usually a kind-hearted easy going man. However, he regrets getting mad & now their relationship is worse.

I have lost 50 lbs. since they've seen me. My MIL kept staring at me when I got up to get a drink or go to the restroom. She was eyeing me in a weird way. It's almost as if she's jealous!! (She is VERY overweight herself!)

I have felt miserable for the past few days & don't know what to do. I am actually coming to the conclusion that perhaps I was wrong? (ME?! WRONG?!?!) UP to this point, I truly felt that what I did was okay. Is there some law that says I'm required to tell my in-laws that I am having surgery in Mexico? It's MY LIFE for goodness sake. I didn't tell them about Mexico upfront because I knew they would FREAK OUT!! They're just that way. It would have ruined our whole trip.

I would appreciate ALL OPINIONS!! If you really think that what I did was deceitful, please share your feelings. I am hoping to get some insight that maybe I just don't see. I just want this craziness to be over!! My kids miss seeing Grandma & Grandpa!!!!!!!

[maudeispam 2]

I think you did the right thing. Sounds to me that they are jealous that you took this big step and this is their way of dealing with it. Maybe ask them if they had the choice of surgery in the usa or the same thing in mexico for a lot less, what would they choose. Plus ask them if they would tell their family and friends of that choice. Then ask them if they have EVER was deceitful or deceptive to anyone. Then try to explain yourself, if that still doesn't work...cut your losses and move on. Or you could always go on Dr. Phil!

[PhotoNut 7]

Wow, Diane. *hugs*

You and your husband decided together to keep that part of your life private, and that was your RIGHT do to so. It's time to tell the in-laws to get over it and get on with life. You and your husband made the decisions based on what was best for you and your family. How rude and mean they are! I'm sure you explained your reasoning for deciding to tell them later, and I'm sure you've told them you're sorry that decision has upset them. Now what you need to tell them is that they are tearing the family apart with this attack on you and it's time they kept their opinions to themselves. And, tell them that if they can't manage to do that then they aren't welcome to be around you. Do not let this make you second guess yourself. You had no obligation to tell them anything at all. What you did was try to protect them and their reaction to that is 100% their problem, my friend.

I'm proud of your hubby for standing up for you. It is hard to have a riff in the family like this, but if you remain friendly and welcoming to them while making it clear that you won't be treated like this, then it remains to be their problem not yours. Do not blame yourself for their behavior. *hugs*

[Wheetsin 714]

I think they need to get over it already. It was what, 6 - 7 months ago? THey can really hold a grudge! It might be different if you'd lied about something directlyimpacting their lives, or your husband's... but that was your choice. It seems like they're greatly generalizing & exaggerating. I think your've done enough, even met at their beckoning call, and it's up to them to find what they need to move on. I don't know that the situation sounds like jealousy to me b/c why would your FIL be jealous... but I don't know.

If this happens again, and they throw out accusations, the best thing you can do is ask them to provide concrete examples, e.g. what specifically have your kids been doing that make them think you're "decitful nature" is rubbing off on them? If they can't give you those examples, shame on them. If they can, you will have an opportunity to explain what's happening.

Ok, that's nice me talking. Real me - you don't owe them an explanation. You can tell whomever as much or little as you choose, and should never have to justify that action. They know the truth now, and can accept it and get over their issues or can keep beating a dead horse. I mean - nothing, and then 6 months later bringing it all up again? Whatever!

[HeatherGurl 0]

I don't think you did anything wrong. Like I think I said in your old post... It is horrible for Grandparents to act that way. If they have a problem with you and hubby, fine, but leave the kids out of it.

I swear there was a Dr. Phil episode VERY similar to this!!!! Call Dr. Phil!!!!

[Archermom 0]

Diane,

don't you go and make your live miserable now. It is your live and absolutely your choise with what and where you do what to your body- your husband supports you that is all that matters.

In no way do you have to appologize to your in laws- they are extremely rude to think you have to ask their permission on how to run your live or make your choises about your health- who do they think they are? :angry

And as for your kids- they will miss their grandparents thats true- but they will not miss the way your IL are treating their mother.

Do not ever feel guilty for having made the choice on going to Mexico - you are doing great - be proud of yourself.

For in the future- handle things on a "Need to know" basis - and your IL do NOT NEED TO KNOW!

Just my 5 cents.

[goldbear 0]

Wow, what wise people giving advice! It does sound like Dr. Phil already. I agree wholeheartedly with all. You and your husband are as adult as your in-laws and have the same decision-making privileges as they do. After all, wasn't the reason you didn't tell them about going to Mexico in the first place to avoid exactly what happened when they did find out?

[PhotoNut 7]

Diane - call them up and ask them if they'd be willing to go see Dr Phil with you. Tell them you'll pay the way if they'll accept whatever advice he has to give. *chuckles*

Or, better yet, just ignore them and leave them with their own struggles while you and your hubby move forward and enjoy the upcoming summer with your kids. Just smile and tell the kids that gradma and grandpa are welcome to be with the family when they learn how to behave. *grins* Don't let them rob you of your joy!

[j.s. 0]

Diane,

Are they concerned for your saftey and the saftey of your children because you had the band, had the band in Mexico or had the band in mexico and DIDNT tell them? I don't think you did anything wrong. You were not being decietful, you definitely did not lie to them, you told them you were going to have surgery and you did GO have surgery. I know its hard with the in-laws sometimes and you just have to learn which fights are worth your energy and which are not. Some you will never win because they will not accept anything you have to offer. Hopefully the wind will just blow this over and they will see who is really hurting the most here. Don't feel bad for what you did. Its over and done with, they have to learn to let it go.

[sleepyjean 0]

Oh gosh, what a sucky situation. The truth is, you don't owe them anything. In fact, they owe you an apology. I think your husband should handle his parents from here on out and he seems to be doing an admirable job of it.

I'd just tell the parents that it is what it is. It's a decision the two of you made and though you understand their concern, the decision was ultimately yours to make. Now it's over and done and no amount of lecturing, yelling, and/or berating you will make any difference at all. It will not change whether or not you are banded and it will not change how you and your husband make decisions in the future, (except you will probably be LESS inclined to tell them anything about anything.)

I think your husband just has to get rational on them (which will infuriate them.) "Mom and Dad, I love you very much. And up until this enjoyed spending time with you and was glad that my kids had such great grandparents. If you want to turn this into a feud, I can't stop you. But I'm not going to allow you to treat me or my wife this way and I'm certainly not going to put my children in the center of this argument. If you are unwilling or unable to let go of your anger and respect that my wife and I make our own decisions, then I'm sorry, but we won't be seeing you as often as we have in the past. It would be really unfortunate and we'd miss you, but the decision is yours to make."

Then hang up the phone and let them chew on that for a while.

[the best me 6]

Not telling them you went to MX was not wrong. Sounds like it was actually smart. Sounds like what you did wrong was to confess to MX in the first place. Geez. Quit beating yourself up. Love them the way they can't love you...unconditionally. Works every time.

[Sunta 4]

I'm glad your husband let them have it. No offense, but they sound like rather disturbed people to me. It's a very over-the-top and bizarre reaction in my opinion. You had every right to keep your private life private and it's none of their business how you decided to do that. Do they have a history of mental problems or issues at all? They sound like toxic people. Even though they are your in-laws, that doesn't mean you have to put up with their behavior. If it were me, I would severely limit, or even totally stop, the time I spent with them. I don't tolerate that sort of abuse. Spending three hours yelling at you is absolutely abusive and you don't have to take it.

[Anwyn 0]

I'm guessing that they've always been extremely judgemental of you and your husband. You are an adult with the right to privacy. You had no obligation to tell them anything. Kudos to DH for standing by you through this. They were obviously just stirring up the pot again because they didn't get you crying and begging their forgiveness the first time around. Your kids will be fine without them in their lives. I would LOVE to see this on Dr. Phil though...

[lambchops 0]

I got this peice of advice from my mother once, and it is true. "Just because you are related does not mean you need to like the person". Perhaps they think they are being a good role model to their grandchildren by upseting you?? Pulllllllllllllllllezzzz. I am sorry you have to go through this

[mrycrltn 2]

What you did is your decision, not there's. I am glad your husband stuck up for you, that was very sweet. I hope everything get's better. Hang in there.

I think Oprah would be better. She is into all the diet stuff. This is right up her alley.